today I'm sad...

...I'm sad because I thought I was a better mother...I thought I instilled love, caring, sharing and the beauty of hard work in my children...

but at some point I failed...both are self-centered...one is so miserable you'd think I exposed her to horrible things in her life, kept her in constant danger, deprived her of any form of happiness and love...the other is so self-absorbed that she does not see that her actions, and choice of folk she chooses to surround herself with, are getting her into serious trouble...her choices will get her killed, in jail, or have her child taken from her...

I gave up everything for my children...I didn't date, I didn't want to have men parade in and out of their lives...the three mistakes I've made (of which were not boyfriends) one child will never let me forget...she yells it in my face whenever she gets angry or doesn't get her way...she will scream how I exposed her to "crazies and rapists" which is so far from the truth...every job I took I calculated how much time I would be able to spend with my children, even if the job had lower wages...they always had before me...clothes, food, shoes etc...I went to school so I could give them better lives...get them out the projects...but for one that is not enough...

the other child runs...tells me "that's why I don't talk to you" when I'm trying to fix the mess she put herself in...serious life altering types of messes...

I try...I'm far from perfect...I get pissed after repeating myself...I yell...I curse...but I get so angry when I telling them the shortcut...the easy way to settle their situations with minimal damage to themselves or the family...

so one is happy to see me leave, the other locks herself in the room and is pissed that I exist...the mere sound of my voice, my breathing sets her off in a tirade where she will pull out everything in an attempt to break me, have me quiver and cower...it's like she lives to break me down...and God forbid I say something...so I yell and curse cause Lord knows if I were another kind of mother that would be an abused child...

but I love my children...but I feel like I'm always on the defense...like I have to walk on egg shells...I just can't be me...everything I say is corrected or I'm accused of being condescending...or my words are taking out of context, twisted to satisfy the self made prophecy of hatred and non-caring on my part...

sometimes I just don't want the fight...I'm tired...tired from working two jobs...tired of constantly "modeling" my behavior so my children will grow up proper...tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...

one had a vacation...I spent good money for her to sit in a hotel...I guess she had a good time, but since she's been back it's been hell...no smile, no joy, no talking...just insults after insults...she's already predicted that our new years eve is going to be miserable and trust me she is doing everything in her power to make that come true...

the other...well, what can I say...I just can't believe that she chooses to live the life she does...

I just hope and pray that life does not treat them bad and kick them in the ass too much...I'm not going to give up on my kids, I will always be there for them and do what I can for them...but shit, I would love that they acknowledge and respect me...birthdays, mothers day will go by and if I don't ask them for something neither will think to give or do anything for me...and even then, one of them has the attitude like "I don't do for people, so don't bother do for me"...oh, but let a birthday go by without gifts...shit, even when I get gifts it's never enough...but I will always do for my kids...even if it means giving up my last...

so today I'm sad...I've been sad for a long time...I hope that nothing bad happens to me or that I'm taken off this earth for my children to appreciate what they have...I'm not perfect but I try really hard to be the best I can be...that should count for something...

so I'm going to make the best of the rest of my vacation...even if folk are unhappy cause I realize that nothing I do will make them happy or make a difference so I'm just gonna do for me...

fat

my fat
is my buffer to the world
insulation
from peoples
thoughts
issues
fears

my fat
protects me
from sensations
vibrations

everything is muted
when it goes through
the fat

my fat
locks everything in
my thoughts
feelings
sensations
sadness
anger

why do I need my fat?
the protection
insulation
security

I'm afraid
to let it go
what will happen
if I don't have
the warm blanket
of my fat

thick, yellow
chicken fat
coating
laying
under my skin
winding around
my entrails

if I confront
my fat
I confront
me
and its not
always pretty
scary in fact

I cant let
my security blanket go
fat
my fat

the year is almost over...

this was a strange year...a year of growth and change...I'm glad this year has ended and I'm truly looking forward to the new year, the new beginning...I thank God that we have so many opportunities to start over...

In this upcoming year I foresee changes...I also promise to write almost everyday...not just to share the mundane minutes of my life, but to create a journal...so this time next year I will have a record of what happened in my year...the good, bad and boring...

I will write later about how things have been going...I've spent a lot of time of facebook...it's a faster pace, and also you don't have to dig in depth...about you, your issues, your joys, your triumphs, or your failures...

MMB went to Miami with her sidepony and is due back tonight...choclahontas, with the help of bigbear has faced her mess and started to clean it up...we all realize that she really has a disorder...so do we say "that's how she is" and let her slide? or do we not use it as an excuse...I don't know...

I met a guy...not MY type of guy at all...but seems very sweet, secure in who he is, and unapologetic about what and who he is...kinda like me...his birthday is two days before mine so we have an understanding...but I like him...I wish I could change some stuff, but who am I to talk...but we will see...I'm not building any structures...I'ma flow like water and see where the current takes me...

In this upcoming year, I want to make some job changes...the college offered me a full time position teaching...I'm taking the job on top of my job, but I think I'm going to let the therapeutic nursery go in september...I've been there five years this june..I will never be promoted, I only got a raise because I got a new license, and I think that job is going to be a dead end...I like the kids, but my personal growth will be stunted in the end...

so later for now...

for those who read me...

sorry I've been away so long...my internet was acting up...so I find if I sit right under my dining room window I can mooch somebodies internet...hey, I'm saving 50 dollars a month...
some stuff has been going on...the most annoying is that moodmagicbarbie is fourteen and is really trying out her new attitude...for the most part I don't mind, but once in a while I got to show her whose boss...and no, MMB you're not gonna make me cry, so please stop trying...but I will shut your ass down and make your life miserable...so now that that's out the way I can proceed...

I'm counting down the days till winter break...it's eleven working days...I did all I have to do...I bought and built MMB two dressers...I changed the dining room light (the old one was putting on a fireworks show every time I flipped the switch...not good)...I've cleaned, rearranged, and organized...I hope that on this vacation I can have fun, go out a few times and basically veg...I will take my sunshine to a few museums when I feel like it...cause you know he never wants to leave once he's here...

but basically I'm in a good space...I have my eye on someone I hope I can pursue...I have one chance next week...if it works, good...if it doesn't, well it wasn't for me...

poppy is having surgery on the 23rd...minor, but still...please put him in your thoughts and prayers...

so that's it for today...off to bed I go...

toodles...

on this thanksgiving

when you don't have much it seems thats when you're most thankful....
I'm so thankful that I have a home, good friends, a wonderfully annoying family (except for bigbear, my ride and die who NEVER annoys me)...
I'm thankful that poppys healthy this year...that choclahontas got into college...that MMB could be worse during this adolescent phase...she could be doing drugs, having sex, and doing a whole host of other dumb shit...
I'm thankful that I have my chocolate sunshine in my life...he is my pride and joy...
I'm thankful that I have a job that JUST allows me to cover my bills...
I'm thankful that I've made relative peace with idiot...I feel totally free to move on...
I thank God for my health, and my personal wealth...

this day is not about the food, but about being with those you love, and appreciating what you have, and thanking God for it...

wake up
its a new day
a day we all
prayed for

but how new is this day
when the routine is the same
the pain is the same
the players are the same

but I'm happy
to have been able
to wake up
on this new day

update...

the parents furniture got delivered on Sat at 5pm...she stayed the weekend at the childrens fathers house where she preceded to get into a physical altercation...I'm going with her on friday to help her put the house in order and build beds...anyone I know is welcome to help me...

MMB is being difficult and defiant for absolutely no fucken reason...she really likes to say things that she knows will hurt my feelings...she really feels that she can live in this world without me at age 14...go right ahead hon...and see how much you like it...oh, I guess I shouldn't say that cause once you dare her, forget it, shes not going to give in...even if it kills her...Ima play her game...no cooking (my food was nasty tonight...she was trying to be nice about it by throwing it away), no waking her up in the morning...no waiting for her when she's dawdling...I'll take her friends...I'm not going to make them suffer for her stupidity (I'm not calling you stupid...just your actions when you're acting up)...
her father was the same way...that's why he's lost so much, and why he can't learn...well all I can say is that life will kick your ass so I don't have to do it...

choclahontas in on the right path...she still needs a job...I told her since it does not look like she's gonna get a job anytime soon with a high school diploma I guess she better make a job...

I made me a small peach cobbler...I guess I should save it for thanksgiving...but I don't know...it smells damn good...and thursdays a few days off...

so that's all folk...

wake up...

yesterday after school I took a parent to brooklyn so she could let movers into her new apartment...we went, her and her three children...now the children are in a therapeutic for a reason, but thats another story...this parent was in a shelter...she signed her lease for her one bedroom apartment last wednesday...yes, one bedroom for her and her three children...a TINY one bedroom I might add...
so we get to brooklyn...the super asked her "who are you?" she explained that she signed the lease and needed to get the keys to let the movers in...the super stated that he didn't know anything about that and the apartment was not ready for move-in, and never mind the fact that the door did not have a lock...
so stressed, this parent called the landlord...now being a friday afternoon at 3, the landlord was gone for the weekend...
she called the movers...
the movers were supposed to move her between 8 and 12...they showed up at 1:30...she has to pick up her kids at 2:15 (this is why I took her to brooklyn)...the movers assured her that they would wait in front of the house till we got there...
after much back and forth, the movers admitted that they were eating lunch in manhattan and would get there in an hour or so...not acceptable as I had to get back to the city and pick up sunshine...
the parent called the shelter...they told her they were done with her...
she called the landlord...he was still gone...
she called the movers and they told her they would get there...
I was stressing as it was 3:30...
she told the movers that since they were still by the shelter to take her belongings (18 bags) back to the shelter...
she called the shelter...
they told her that they were done with her and if the movers bought her belongs back they would be left on the curb...they also explained that they only pay the movers once so if the movers had to redeliver she was responsible for the cost...
the movers called back and said it was 3:30 and they were off duty...
I was stressed, she was beyond stressed, and the kids were clearly mirroring her feelings...they screamed...all three...at the top of their high pieced voices all the way to manhattan...

I stopped by a picked up idiot as he works a few blocks from the parents new apartment...
I generally let him talk shit, and address it later when he really gets on my nerves but he started in on my driving...the music was on, the kids were screaming and the parent was on the phone...I pulled his coat till we were face to face and I told him calmly but firmly "this is not a friend...this is a client...and don't you DARE talk to me crazy or belittle me in front of my client"...he was shocked...he was quiet as a mouse all the way home...even as I swerved in and out of traffic at a high rate of speed...he just clung quietly to the arm rest and attempted small talk...till he just gave up and fell asleep...

I asked the parent what was she going to do...she said she didn't know...she couldn't go back to the shelter...the apt, by train was over an hour away, and anyway the door had no lock and she had no key...the super didn't believe her story and plus she had nothing to sleep on...I ran inside to get sunshine and when I got back I saw her down the block...with her three kids...
I cried all night...there was nothing I could do at the moment...nobody to call...

I went to choclahontas's house today to give her a microwave and dishes me and bigbear bought her at an apartment sale...she says that everytime I go to her house I start shit...I wanted to help her put the microwave in a place cause I knew that where I left it was where it was gonna stay...I cleaned off the top of the fridge to place it there but it was too high...
choclahontas told me she saw a mouse...I moved some bags on the side of the fridge and there was a lot of mouse feces...I moved the fridge and it looked like a tribe of mice used the bathroom...I started looking around...uncovered old exposed food...dirty dishes...crackers...broken glass...and a lot of mouse feces...so I started to clean...I started to build the microwave cart so she would have more space to put stuff...her room mate came home and decided he was going to bed...he threw everything off the couch on the floor...messing up what I was doing...it got "too much" for my dear child and she took off "to buy food"...

man, this hurts my heart...here this parent is god knows where with her three children and choclahontas has the world given to her...an apartment...rent paid for...and she can't respect it...not even for her kid...the dust, garbage, mouse feces is enough that if I were a visiting social worker I would call ACS...she was upset that she was "cooped up all day" and "why did you come here to start shit"...

I took sunshine home...where he will live with me until she cleans that house from top to bottom...I told her how dare she disrespect what she has when this parent is struggling to give her children a warm place to sleep this weekend, with no belonging because everything was on the truck...
I can't in good conscious let sunshine live like that...because he was exposed to the mouse feces that I moved he is now wheezing...
but to choclahontas I'm just being "extra" and "starting shit"...

choclahontas came to my house bout a half hour later...she explained to me what was going on...said that when the room mate cleans he never moves things...admitted that she has no cleaning skills but she was working really hard to develop them...she said she was thinking bout the parent...said that she really didn't want to disrespect her house and she really thanks God for what she has...we had a wonderful talk over tea...

it's true what they say bout the development of the pre frontal cortex...

I'm fucken Pissed...

after spending 165 on a multi-use charger the lap top is not working...it won't boot up...SHIT SHIT SHIT...
I swear...I'm bout the throw the thing in the garbage...

I'm pissed
that the world
does not go according
to my plan

I'm pissed
that for every step
I take
I always seem
to stumble and drop
my bundle of progress

I'm pissed
that money
is always an issue
an open sore
a festering wound

I'm pissed
that my children
are giving me grays
silver is spouting faster
than the spring weeds

boy oh boy
am I pissed
that I'm not
slim
trim
rich
and married

but I'm not pissed
because
I'm blessed

blessed that I can take that step
blessed that I can pick up my bundle
blessed that time heals all wounds
blessed that gray hair signifies
knowledge, wisdom
blessed that my children
are with me
to annoy me
blessed that I can
carry a heavy load
cause I'm strong
happy
loved

rants for today...

I hate self centered vindictive folk...
I told you before, the director of my site (who is not my boss) gets clothing donations from a clothes bank...brand new designer stuff...a couple of days ago she got nine big bags of clothes...nice shit too...now director always goes through the bags first...then she calls all her people (all the head teachers are folk from her country) and they get to chose...wildfire, who sits in the office, often gets to look thru...sometimes I get to look...but not this time...for some reason director was mad at me...whatever...so after all these folk paw through the stuff that's free and for the parents, she puts out the ugly, non name brand size 20 shit...
now when I look thru the bags, I always grab something for my teachers, kids in my room who might need, the girls, then myself...I even pull out things wildfire might have missed for her...
I'm used to directors bullshit, but wildfire got on my nerves...i noticed she never looks out for me...she got a ton of shit and never even offered me a shirt (though I noticed she had multiples of the same NICE shirt)...wildfire is a packrat...and half the stuff she takes sits in my closet at work...for months...what an ass...I stopped looking out for her a while ago when I first peeped her card...don't profess to be my friend then act shady...now to be fair she buys me my roll and tea almost every morning, but shit I'm the only one who goes to the store, so it evens out...

speaking of...I tired of this freakin weight...I wish I lived on a farm where I was forced to do manual labor...I eat well and I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing...since I have chocolate in the afternoon I can't get to the gym...by the time I get him home it's four-thirty and I snagged the last parking spot on the block...to move my car means I will be looking for parking for at least an hour...shit...

so what's a fat girl to do...dress well, do the hair and live life...I'm not ugly so that helps...

so those are my rants for the day...not bad considering it could be much worse...

helloooooo

I'm back...broke down and got an universal adapter from bestbuy..it was expensive BUT it comes with a car adapter so when we take the long car trips the back can plug in and leave me the fuck alone...and also when you have a best buy card they only charge you about 10.00 a month...win win...

but I'm once again able to blog from my dining room table, or my bed, or where ever I chose...

a lot has been going on in my life and I'm not quite sure how much I will/can share...folk get testy sometimes when they feel I'm blowing them up in cyberville...its not my intention, I just am speaking what I feel...so for the sake of peace I might just talk generally, not say anything at all (which is my norm), start a blog that no one I know will be invited to (so I can really vent), or just say fuck it and say what I gotta say and folks got to deal with it...

it's been so long that I don't know where to start, but it will come out in bits and pieces...

I will start by saying that the blob showed his ass...it's not that I know it all- as MMB would say- it's just that I get feelings about folk or situations that generally come to pass...he's crazy, his mama's crazy and his aunts crazy...my dear daughter has dodged a serious bullet...and so far has walked out with her life...

MMB is 14...the bottom of the barrel...if I can make it through 14 I will survive...it's all uphill from here...if you have girls you will understand what I'm talking about...but the silver white hairs are popping out at an alarming rate...I'm allergic to hair color, so I have to decide, white hair or allergy bumps...

the idiot and I have made peace...its the sex that fucks us up...ugh, I don't even want to have sex with him, but I can tolerate him otherwise...I told him "no sex unless we marry, no marriage unless you disclose your complete credit and financial status, and since you will do neither NO SEX"...but we've had the best two weeks or so of 25 years...he paid for my sunshines birthday party...he was PRESENT for his party...he gave MMB money for her birthday...he was PRESENT for her birthday...I've seen him more than I saw him when we were "dating"...he was there for the blob drama, and even STEPPED to the blob...the idiot is all mouth and little action...WOW...I can't ask for more...he and choclahontas are on the road to recovery...um, MMB is not so forgiving, but that's on them, he has a lot to prove to her...
maybe he can move in and pay half the rent...JUST JOKING MMB AND BEARMAIDEN...please don't get your panties in a bunch...I can see and hear the comments now...

I was asked to teach full time at the college...I think I can swing it where I can hold two full time jobs...it will be rough over the winter, but I need something to keep me busy...I HATE winter and need motivation to move around...but the good thing is that I get summers of from both jobs (well, the school I work the first six weeks)...shit, with two paychecks and no work...pow wow trail here I come!!!!!!
it's still in negotiation, so we will see...

anywho, I'm tired...since the blob is out my darlings life, she is in mine...and man does she make me tired...when her and chocolate are together it's like a whirlwind...like youre in the middle of a hurricane...

good night...sweet dreams...don't let the bed bugs bite...(when I was little I thought bed bugs were cute little things that tickle you...um, one of my kids in school had bed bugs...those little bastard are vicious!!!!)

All I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

we can go to college
we can make a difference
our voices can be heard
all I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

we worked for four hundred years
and now a descendant of those who built the white house
can now live in the white house
a descendant of those who built Washington
can now claim Washington
and all I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

our voice is finally heard
above the roar
calm cool collected
ever mindful that all are watching
but we are strong
finally united as one
and all I can say is WOW...
with tears streaming down my face
all I can say is WOW...
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN
YES WE CAN

before I start working...

...still don't have a laptop...thanks all for the adapter information...I just can't, at this time, afford one...

I want to throw a few things out there...

1. in response to Bearmaiden...my kids are driving me crazy...you are so right when you say my kids don't fear me...and they really do think I'm all talk...but I have found that with girls you got to sneak attack...let them think they got the upper hand, than BAM, you take that shit away...
living with a high needs child is extremely draining...trying to keep the balance between a child who demands the attention, and one who is passive aggressive is REALLY draining...that on top of trying to feed your family and not max out your credit card cause you might have to pay rent on that bitch is EXTREMELY draining...
I really choose my battles...I just physically don't have the energy to fight everything...but like I tell the girls, life is gonna kick your ass if I don't, so I'm not stressing it...I'm trying to make your life easier, I tell them, but I have a life that doesn't have to involve you...
but I'm tired...however I'm like the turtle, slow and steady wins the race...

2. It was horrible about the murder of Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother...I'm not professing to be psychic and I'm probably wrong, but I have a few nagging feelings that I can't shake so I'm putting it out there...
I believe the sister is strongly involved...I also see her son in a small tight dark place...like under the house, in a bin, freezer, car trunk or something of that nature, I also see a lot of grass and shrubbery around him and I feel he's really close to home...almost under their noses...I believed he ran in fear and felt he was alive, but last night I got the distinct feeling he's dead...I do have a scenario of how this could have happened but I'm not putting that out there...I saw it play out in my mind...now folk, remember, I only know what you know and I'm sure I'm 100% off track, but I told you I would be honest and tell you when something came to me...

3. why the fuck am I broke...I'm going over my budget again and again, and I can't figure out where my moneys going...well I can...I used to be able to feed me and MMB on 65 a week...I realized, as I charged groceries, that I'm spending 100 a week on the same shit...also gas is killing me...but this morning gas was 3.05 a gallon...that should help...

so folk, I'm going to work...going to work with my littlies and their issues that don't pale in comparison to mine...

this was a comment I left on another blog...I'm feeling so down I'm going to repost it...

I make 41,000 a year at two jobs…I have a masters and work full time…I'm a single mom with one child in my home and the other living down the street with my grandson…my rent is 50% of my income…my student loans have morphed from 37,000 in 2004 to 63,000 to date…they want me to pay 300 a month…I cant so I have to apply for an economic deferment which will make my loan amount grow...
it takes 90 a week to fill up my car…but I make too much for any kind of help…they are what you’d call middle class…but in reality I’m poor…I’m fighting to not live on my credit card…I have no food…don’t buy clothes and can’t get my hair and nails done…
with 150,000 I could pay off all my bills…make a dent in my student loans…put some money aside for a few months emergency rent…get some much needed clothes and put some savings away...

folk just don't care...I guess cause I'm "that one" I'm lazy, shiftless and if I worked harder I could have what they have...but what can I do? if I pack up and move elsewhere will it really be better? will my living be better?

MMB took my bank card and took my last 10.00...and is denying it even when the evidence is stacked against her...choclahontas is hanging on to folk that are not benefiting her...pita (chocolates father) is attempting to dictate to me what I'm supposed to do with his kid...I told him I only follow the court order...
I have no money which means 1.)I have to pay my car insurance, food and house supplies on my credit card and 2.)I have no money...period...

so folk, will moving be better? I have known to be "impetuous" and "impulsive" and do shit...I'm ready to pack up...not pay a months rent and get the fuck out of dodge...but again, will it really be better?
will MMB stop trying to act like I'm the worst mother in the world who denies her needs and "put her on the back burner"? will choclahontas stop acting like the folk I took her from as a baby? will chocolate have a better life? will I ultimately have a better life?

quickly...

...I never said I was going to marry idiot...Im the type, and have learned it's ok, to revisit a situation until I have completed that stage...although it's nice that idiot and I can sit in peace does not mean that I would ever go back to him...while sitting in peace with all the anger gone, I realized I really don't like him...
then some new shit came to light...sexoffenderken, his son, is disgusting...and idiot is disgusting because he basically co-signs his son's behavior...it's one thing to be gay, it's another to be a pedophile...so now that man and his son could get shot down in the street and I would step over the body...maybe I might even go through their pockets and take their money as they lay dying...I'm a cold bitch...I give MANY chances cause when your cut off it's for life...

I gave choclahontas an ultimatum...clear your house of the leeches by November 1st or you lose your apartment...I will change the locks and that bitch will be on the street...told it to the blob...told him if you care so much bout her you will step off cause if you don't she will be homeless in the street with you...told him he can tell it too her like it's his idea, but I'm not playing...dude tried to play me...thought cause I'm educated I was street dumb...had to lay it on him raw...told him if I could shoot him and get away with it I would...that's how deep the hate is...but told him I wouldnt waste my life, ruin my career and family for trash like him...
later she said in conversation "the blob said he's going to go home so I can get myself together...he doesn't want to see me lose everything"...said it like he didn't tell her of the conversation...

folk, every so often you got to clean house...clear out the parasites...start over...

MMB decided to cut school...I'm going to leave that alone for a little while...but I will tell you this...I didn't rant, rave or establish some punishment that I can't follow thru on...but I'm a Jewish mother...the guilt I will lay on you is more than enough...and at strange times I will revisit what you did..."oh, you can't do that...remember? you cut school last month"...or "you can't stay home today...you already took your day off...what your sick and can't breath? oh well, die in school...they will call the ambulance"...

so folk, life is a book...this chapter is labeled 'cleaning house'...I can't wait to see what the next chapter is about...

my love

I have a headache...
the girls are being, well, girls...but my sunshine is being my sunshine...

I love that kid...he is funny as hell...he spends Wednesday nights when choclahontas goes to her class...so we sleep together...he kicks, moves, shreds tissue...but before he goes to sleep we talk..."muma, what's your mommys name?" "huh" "whats your mommys name"...I tell him, he repeats and starts to giggle..."I know your name Muma"..."what is it" I ask...he tells me...I've started telling him my phone number...I told him "don't kick me and don't pee in my bed"..."you take me home?" "yup"..."ok muma" "I love you baby, good night, here let me get you noshey" "oh thank you muma, thank you" "muma, I do peepee...ok? you no take me home" "ok baby...thanks, muma doesn't wanna sleep in a wet bed" "no, muma, that nashty"...
the other night he spent the night...I wanted him to watch real t.v. and not just his shows, so we watched a show on training dogs..."I like the dogs muma"...so he dozed, sucked his thumb and shredded tissue...the next morning I wanted to put on his shoes...he was running around...very firmly I said "come here...come...come here sunshine"...he stopped, looked at me and said "I no dog muma"...I fell out..."I sounded like the dog trainer?" "yeah muma, I no dog"...
so last night he was so careful not to kick me in the back...about four he said "muma, I got to pee"...he did his business and said "it's your turn muma...do peepee toilet, ok muma? wipe now"...
you got to love him...

ahhh life...

...where do I start?

still don't have an adapter for the laptop...it's 134.00...I just can't afford it...I'm desperately trying not to use my credit card...I paid off the balance in July, and I already owe about 4,500...not cool...my credit limits 6000...got to save space for a real emergency (like a mnths rent)...If I don't use the card and pay 165 a month I can pay it off in 36 months...so no extra shit...and NO MARSHALS...damn...
if anyone has an extra adapter for an Dell Inspiron 710 laying around can I buy it? hopefully not for 134.00...

student loans...that's another issue...when I graduated grad school in 2004 I owed 37000...I know owe 64000...when will this shit end...oh, and by the way I only make 40,000 a year...shit, I should have kept doing hair and not gone to school...I could milked the system and have a better life...a parent in my school gets 430 in foodstamps...ok, she only gets 75.00 every two weeks, but shit, at least she's eating well...I'm down to just condiments in the fridge...think Ima hit up a food pantry or two...

my kids...love to hate them...moodmagicbarbie (mmb) AKA rebelliousbelligerentbarbie (rbb)is entering the darkest pit of adolescence...14 is the depth of hell for a parent of a girl...it's uphill from here, I keep telling myself...OMG...I'm just not going to argue...if you talk over me you will miss important information and you will miss out...I have learned that you will not win...just like you will NEVER win an argument with a two year old...NEVER...I will put my foot down when I have too, otherwise I will let the sleeping beast lay...
choclahontas...she's a piece of work...remember Spike Lee? WAKE UP...she's going to be 22 soon...she needs to shit or get off the pot cause I don't take care of grown folk who don't take care of themselves...don't care if you are my kid...

bearmaiden said "I love my mommy"...I do too...she's my sanity, my reality check, my ride or die, my buddy...I don't need a ride or die, I got one...Lord, when God calls her to the big pow wow we are ALL going to need HEAVY medication...for a LONG TIME...

idiot...I've known him since I was 16, I'm 40...24 years...we've been fucking on and off for 19 years...I know him and he knows me...inside out...I hate him and he hates me "I never hated you...believe me" he said the other day...we have decided that we are family...even if we never get back together...we are forever linked...we screamed it out the other day...instead of him getting belligerent (like his kid)and leaving, he stayed...he listened, I listened...he talked and I talked...I, from the bottom of my heart, am encouraging him to make it work with his girlfriend...but she doesn't get him...and being family, no matter how I feel about him, only I can fuck with him and tear him down...nobody else has that right...cause at the end of the day I'm going to build him back up...
sex is always an issue...he's fat bald, with missing teeth and fucked up feet, but for some reason we can't keep off each other...maybe it's familiarity, or comfort...I dont know...but I told him "you want me, I get a big fat ring with a license attached"...it's been too long folks...I can't do it again...the back and forth...AND I'M STICKING BY THAT...
at least I can make his cheap ass pay half the rent and a bill...and I know he won't molest my girls...and his kids are grown and on their own so I don't have to worry bout me having to raise his kids...(even though I raised them)...and I can't get his SS and retirement...lol...

lets be real folk...marriage is never about love, but business...I think that's where folk get fucked up...the "love" thing...if you love someone you enough you enter a legal business deal with them...you can love someone and never marry, but then you can't hold them to shit...

so at the end of the day, I felt peace settle on us...we sat next to each other playing solitaire intermittently on our phones while he watched t.v and I read...after peace settled we stayed that way for about an hour...not talking...till we said simultaneously "I'm hungry"...made food...sat at the table, ate together, then the moment passed...it was time for him to go...I was ready and so was he...

see folk, that's the other thing...even if you marry, dude better have another home...I really don't want to look at you 24/7...poppy always had an "office" he went too "to write"...yeah right, but ok...he escaped and gave bigbear a break...good man...

so are we "working it out"? hell no...do I want to marry him? hell no...am I comfortable with him? yes, I am...do I want to do whats in the best interest of my family? yes I do...MY FAMILY...my kids and his kids and my grandson and soon to be granddaughter...have I grown? yes...has he grown? surprising yes...
so one day at a time...one step at a time...if it's written than so it shall be...

so that's life in a nutshell...I miss yoga...haven't been in two weeks...but I'm walking...I said I'm going to walk four miles at least twice a week...more if I can...I seem to have lost six pounds already...I do feel better and my hair has stopped falling out...

so life goes on...forward ever, backwards never...living life forever a lady...

still here...

my laptop is still not working, and I have to chill a while on my credit card so I haven't bought a new plug/adapter yet...

...the world is going to hell in a hand basket...I have no money (I know, who does) but I'm not stressed...we've been poor before, so it does not scare me...

MMB is almost fourteen, and with that age comes rebellion, story-telling, cutting class...it's hard to talk to her cause she is so belligerent...she interrupts and talks simultaneously...drives me crazy...I chose not to speak to her cause if I do I'ma beat her ass...but I got thru choclahontas and I will get thru her...

there is so much other stuff swirling I can't/don't have the time to sort it out to write...

so later for now...

Play action fake - Columns

very interesting take...hopefully it wont come to pass

Play action fake - Columns

health update...

well folk, I'm healthy as a horse!!!!! no polycystic ovarian syndrome, no diabetes (yea), nothing except i'm in menopause...early, but past peri...so I got birth control pills to regulate and stop the progression at the moment...
I'm happy cause I'm not planning to pop out any more babies!!! and I'm happy cause it's nothing serious...

again quickly....

...my laptop is still out...work is crazy...didn't get to see any kids today with back to back phone calls...which isn't good cause my pay is generated by me seeing kids...what the hell, I'm trying to fill the classroom so they can get over it...

I had a wonderful day yesterday...baby got out the hospital...they were literally holding him hostage...he wasn't wheezing so I don't know what the issue was...well I do know...medicade pays the bill so they were squeezing all they could out of the budget...everyone's feeling the crunch...this hospital just lost a lot of money with the 911 fund being shelved...

but after we picked up chocolate we hooked up with idiot...we did not ride to MD cause I didn't call him the day before (duh, why didn't he call me? but whatever) he overnited whatever money he had to pay...so we hooked up with him, me MMB, choclahontas and their sister disneybarb (whose 17 and pregnant...but she's my babygirl so I'm going to support her decision)...idiot was with the other brother (disneybarbs full brother), I forgot the name I gave him...I think it was sexoffenderken (SOK)...but he's grown and actually calmed down...

so after sexoffenderken finished his physical, nobody wanted to part...I observed the hesitation on all parts so I quickly said "I'm going home to cook"...everyone jumped on it and money was put together and we split into two cars...SOK, idiot, MMB and chocolate going home and me, choclahontas and disneybarb heading to the supermarket...

together we cooked dinner...idiot and I made lamb ribs (only the second time in 24 years that we've cooked together), disneybarb and I made spaghetti, with me teaching her how to make fresh pasta sauce, choclahontas made a cake with a raspberry topping...we all gathered in the kitchen, laughing, joking...MMB's best friend was there as was divacuntbitchken...

we ate, washed dishes...chocolate calling idiot "grandpops" after ignoring idiots repeated attempts to make friends..."hey baby" grandpops said...chocolate has a way of ignoring you..."hi uncle 'sexoffenderken'"...everytime idiot talked to him, chocolate would look at him and then address his uncle...boy kids can make their point...idiot said "so do you think he's mad cause I'm not around?"...uh, yeah...

MMB was happy (locked in her room with calmingponybarbie (you know how they have the pony to calm the racehorses? thats the effect MMB's best friend has on her), choclahontas was cuddled with her daddy, and the siblings were not fighting...

so even if it was just a moment in time, it was beautiful and I will cherish it...disneybarb said later as she was leaving "what a wonderful bonding time we had...thank you and I love you"...that makes it all worthwhile...

so now I'm off to the doctor to get test results...

HELLO...

I have to blog at bearmaiden's house cause I lent my laptop to choclahontas, she tripped over the cord and broke it...so I can't charge my computer...my lifeline...work has been to busy to blog...so briefly here is where my mind is...

I'm not really into politics, but for the first time I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, watching CNN as much as my father and grandfather...watching debates...
Palin is a joke, but just cause the nation refuses to accept the knowledge of a black man we are really facing four years of an idiot and his beauty queen sidekick...she really makes us women look bad...

the caseload at my therapeutic nursery is crazy...no, not the kids- the parents...when I have more time I will explain case by case (with name and identifying details changed of course)...

chocolate is in the hospital cause some smart person gave him cheesecake...choclahontas ate a crabcake that the hospital served baby and now she's in emergency...

so I'm going to eat Chinese...when I get a chance I will blog in more detail...

btw...had a talk with idiot...he wanted to have a nice conversation at his request...he really tried...asked me to go with him to maryland for the day...shityeah I'm going...takes me out of NYC for a day on his dime...he must be up to something...I promise to tell when I find out...I've known this man for 25 years and I know him WELL...probably better than he knows himself...

a little fun...

most is true except I'm not envious...

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. Your Fixation: Envy Your Primary Fear: To have no identity Your Primary Desire: To find yourself Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

health update

I've not given up...every time I go to the dr, no matter if its the primary dr or my GYN I tell them I have an issue, I gain weight for no reason even though I eat well, I exercise if all I do is walk, usually they tell me just eat well, walk more, it's nothing wrong...the attitude has been you're just obese, get over it...

trust your body...if you feel something is off don't take the dr's word when they say it's in your head...

so finally I got paid attention...I started having irregular periods...the answer was either I was in premenopause (I'm not), its your thyroid (it's not) or it's ok, it happens, it will even out...

well after having only two periods this year my GYN paid attention...I emailed a lot her documenting my issues...
I'm getting a blood test in the morning to confirm a diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome...look it up, but long story short I have cysts in my ovaries that stop ovulation which somehow ends up producing too much insulin in my body...I'm also being tested for diabetes...
it's a vicious cycle, I gain weight which exacerbates the condition which causes me to gain more weight...so I'm up to 196...but the GYN said that in addition to taking estrogen I will be on diabetes medication which will help me lose weight...I'm assuming that once I get to a healthy weight I can discontinue the medication...
I'm continuing with yoga, which I love and I'm joining weight watchers tomorrow...I went to a meeting last week and I liked it...

I'm really happy...everyone has something, but it's good to know what that something is...my greatest fear is cancer so anything else I can easily deal with (I could deal with cancer if I was faced with it...poppy survived so I know I would)...if this diagnosis is correct then I can do what I need to do to stay healthy...

PCOS and even type 2 diabetes are controllable with diet, weight and exercise...I'm already on the right track so I'm not worried about that...

but I can't express how I feel...I feel like a two ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders...I can't wait to feel "normal" again...to not get on the scale and see I've gained ten pounds in two weeks that I can't attribute to eating a whole cake or a pint of ice cream (I don't eat either items)...

so pray for me...pray that this is the issue so I can start the process of healing...

I am angry and resentful

at the moment cause I'm tired of struggling...it's not like I don't bust my ass...I currently have two jobs, one part time (I'm teaching only one class this semester) and my day job that is falling apart...

I drive down the FDR every morning...I see fab and expensive cars...young folk driving Mercedes and BMW's, Volvo's, Bentley's even...and I ask "where the fuck are they getting the money?"

I have a masters, I have years of experience, I BUST MY ASS...why do I have two jobs and looking for a third to SURVIVE...I don't understand it...

I don't take days off, I rarely slack on the job...I got a "late start" in my career but I more than made up for it putting in sweat and labor...so what the fuck is the issue...

I don't sleep all day, I don't make excuses as to why I can't take a job, and every job I do I make it my business to learn it and excel at it...
so why are some folk so successful and I'm not? is it because I'm a woman? is it because my skin is brown? is it because I don't wear matching tank tops and cardigans with gap pants?

At this stage in life I can not take the risk to open my own business...I don't have the start up money, nor can I take the time needed to build revenue...I have to pay my rent which is going up 96.50 in two months...

so what gives? do I pack up and move out of state? is it really better? do I sell my soul to the devil? do I sell drugs?

so I sit and work, annoyed that folk are not doing what they need to survive, but focusing on me cause I need to survive and wondering if this election is really going to make a difference...

fuck Bush....

...we had our talk...cause of the economy, in order for me to have and retain health benefits I have to work 35 hours a week...when I was hired I only worked 28 and had benefits...my job is driven by my clinical hours, as it stands today, is only 6 hours per week...I love my director cause she tries everything in her power to make things work...but reality is now I have to document my day, wildfire has to do her job (which takes hours away from me)and hope and pray bosslady finds a way...
the education department does not take into consideration all I do, and they say I can achieve all I do in three days...
you know I will do my best...no talking, blogging, playing on facebook (which I do minimally anyway, except talk)...

Thanks Bush...I hope we don't have much of the same for the next four years...here I am with two jobs, searching for a third, and I still can't make ends meet...it's almost better if I let them cut me to three days, or work fee for service and get medicade and foodstamps...I bet Bush and his kids/relatives or oldmanMcCain and his friends and relations don't have these issues or worries...let alone Palin who used tax payer dollars to take her daughter to NY and lives lovely on taxpayer money...btw, has anyone heard if she has a masters? I read that she went to six undergrads in six years, changing her major along the way...

my life is on the upswing....

...sometimes it's not worth complaining because things just work themselves out...
MMB came to her senses...actually she was very apprehensive about starting high school and she has major issues with anticipation...so now that we are in the second week of school she has settled into her groove...she survived freshman friday, partly because she does not look like a freshman...

choclahontas did the right thing, stepped up to the plate and got rid of all the leeches in her life...now all she needs is a job...

and idiot...I'm not impressed by him, nor am I afraid of him...I tell him the truth...most times he does not want to hear it and becomes belligerent...but like I told him, at the end of the day I'm all you have...I'm the only one who will keep it real with you, and knowing your for 25 years, I know you inside and out so cut the shit...you better step up to the plate and fix yourself...man up to your fuck ups cause Lord knows I man up every time I screw up...

this morning we had a really nice talk about disneybarbie being pregnant...she's 17...I was the first to know but he's never acknowledge the pregnancy to me...so this morning he did...and even admitted that he really doesnt know how to handle it...as far as his relationship with MMB at this point, I realized he's scared of her...he does not know how to approach her...not making an excuse for him cause being daddy he needs to figure that shit out...and quickly...cause MMB is unforgiving...but under that she as soft as vanilla ice cream...she's like me, a porcupine...we poke folk to protect our underbelly...
I always say there's hope for him...like bearmaiden with thecat, I've seen the other side...I've rubbed the soft underbelly...it's ok to be a girlyman...but I'm not settling for less, especially when it comes to my kids...

so the job is ok...the "talk" was not what I thought...they want me, they need me...I was cut a day, but the other director hired me as a consultant for 2 1/2 a week which will roughly give me my missing wages...I'm looking for a paying gig (part time), but in the mean time I'm going to volunteer...I've applied to CASA(court appointed special advocates), which is a volunteer court appointed guardian ad litem, working as an advocate for foster children to help them obscure safe permanent housing...gotta do something, if I stayed home, my house would be a different color every week...

so back to work...actually I have nothing to do today but I will pretend...

so I'm not happy....

but just because I'm not happy does not mean that life needs to end...
I truly believe that our lives are prewritten, and that at every step we have many choices...but once we make our choice that path is written until we take another step...
so right now I'm standing still...things are hovering, but nothing has landed...so at the moment I have few choices...
there are things out of my control that I just am not going to deal with...I have just enough energy to live my life and keep MMB on the straight and narrow, and everything else can fall by the wayside...

I am riding Idiots ass cause he needs to be a father...he failed MMB in her childhood and he better be here now...he's not gonna stay away then come smiling back when the waters grow calm...I hold him accountable to everything...good and bad...cause when he does good I let him know...like taming a wild dog...

so later for now...I'm awaiting the "talk" with bosslady and clinical director sometime this week...have no idea what it could be about, but I have a few ideas...none of which will benefit me...

hey blogfolk...

...I've been gone for a while, and for the moment I'm back...
I am struggling with stuff...choclahontas, MMB, my job and my newly found out lack of funds...the job cut me a day...

so I'm not happy, but since I have not figured out a path or plan it doesnt make sense to complain but just live each day as it comes...
I also don't feel well...I've only had my period twice this year...I'm tired as hell, bloated and my weight is a few pounds shy of 200...despite going to yoga and trying to walk as much as possible, and being super conscious of my food intake...I have two doctors appts coming up so hopefully they can figure something out...

so I'm not happy...but I know one day I will be looking back on this time...

its been a while I know....

...just haven't been in the mood to write...
my first week of vacation wasn't much...still got up with the alarm to take chocolate to school...I don't think it's fair to him to be at home doing nothing...plus, he'd end up with me anyway...
I did get rid of the birds...can't say I miss them...and really don't miss them today cause today would be the day I would have to clean the cage...yea to me...
I totally overspent...well, I spent my "free" money...but I still have enough to go to schmitzen (I think I spelled it right)...

the Aquarius folk are working my nerves...one is mourning a loss (which really isn't a loss cause the fat lady (not you fatlady...lol) didn't sing yet)...which is ok, but you need to let go, get over it and live...the rule to mourning- you mourn as many days/months/years you put in but in percents...now if you were with folk 20 years, you actively mourn 20% of the time shared...so one month...you give it 1% then move ON...well, actually a quarter of a percent...I think...not good in math...lol
the other Aquarius folk is living in lala land and not seeing the reality of their situation...all I can say is GET A JOB BITCH...well that could apply to both actually...SMOOCHES...love ya both...

my MMB is getting ready for high school...I got her all she needs- so I can stay out the stores in the next weeks when folk go crazy...she is prepared...mentally as well as physically...she will have a good year...she's smart (scary smart), beautiful and talented...she's still going to pursue her acting and as a matter of fact fatlady we need to meet up so she can work on her resume...she want's to send it out...

anyway...hope next week is more relaxing than this week...

btw...on the job front...I had a meeting with the teachers to "clear the air"...find out that "clinical director" has been stirring the pot and really doing some ghetto "he said, she said"...well it's more "professor said"...
I don't stutter...if I say something behind someone's back, I either said it to the person already, or I'm gonna tell you soon after I "talked" about you...
she's a bitch...sounds like I intimidate her...I'm praying for another job as I sent out 42 resumes, applied to about eight jobs online and about to send out bout 20 more resumes...I don't play...if all else fails I'm going to become an iron worker...I will lose pay for the year of apprenticeship, but will make up for it later...

insights...

1. I cursed choclahontas out the other day...laid shit on the table...told her i loved her but she had done nothing all summer...she expressed she needs psychiatric help, that she has anger issues and depression...told her the root cause of anger is frustration and depression is anger turned inward...what are you angry at...she stormed I cried...
but today was a beautiful day...she did laundry...cleaned her house and we hung out like in the old days...

2. I am so excited that my babygirl MMB is entering high school...as she nursed and we gazed in each others eyes, I wondered what she would grow up to be...how her voice would sound...who she would favor...
my girl is smart, beautiful, full of confidence and common sense...I know she will do well as she has done well up to this point...she sometimes gets on my nerves, but I know it's the age and will pass...I try not to diminish her issues, but for my sanity I whisper as she rages "this too will pass and one day she will turn 18 and become human"...

3. I had to go to the main office today cause the organization is stupid and lost my insurance paper work...although I still have insurance...whatever...the HR person made a point to take me around to introduce me to everybody...big boss on down...now never mind I already knew folks...I had the realization that "clinical director" has some say but not a whole freakin lot cause she was not put on an administrative track and bottom line is a consultant...so until bosslady tells me it's time to go, I'm not going to stress it...I will this year put more into my kids and work on not being distracted during session...I also was told of an afterschool job working with adolescents...which is cool cause MMB will be involved at that site...so with teaching and this, plus my job, I will be making a nice chunk of change...so I will have three jobs...go me...I love to work...

4. next tuesday starts my three week vacation...Im going to take chocolate to school when we are not doing anything which will give us all a break cause that boy is hectic...he NEEDS school...Ms June and Ms. Melba...they keep his ass in check...Ms. June has a distinguished voice that the kids listen too (the "bad cop") and ms. Melba is the sweetest...she's about their size so they all cuddle with her...she sings them songs (the "good cop")...now if he can use the toilet..."no muma, my peepee's broken...I can't do it"...

5. I really LOVE yoga...and I'm almost able to do "plank position" and "downward facing dog"...damnit that shit is HARD...and they say "downward facing dog" is a relaxing rest position...I freakin think NOT...but my instructor told me I did really good and I'm a natural...

6. I totally overspent my money...but I got nice stuff for me and MMB to start the winter and I feel good...I also am one with me, my body shape and my size and bought bras that fit...I have fatlady to thank...I didn't go where she went but I got some beautiful bras that FIT...I'm really happy with myself and my porno boobs...listen folks pay good money to have boobs my size...and I'm the same size as fatlady...love those boobs girl...
I still want plastic surgery for my arms and a tummy tuck, but that will just add the icing to the cake...
*just for clarification...I need my arms done cause when I was younger I bench pressed with the boys, thus the name "manarms"...however, as all body builders know, once you don't keep it up that shit melts and looks HORRIBLE...now I've been assured I'm the only one who thinks my arms look horrible, but I'm the only one who counts*

so I sit her BY MYSELF listening to the sounds of the street...I love Harlem...it's noise, smell...the crackheads to the Africans...the kids to the elders...

for some
its sex, drugs, and rock and roll

for us
its sex, food, and fighting

to them
drugs make the sex good

for us
fighting makes the sex good

for some
rock and roll is a way of life

for us
food is a way of life

for them
the three are combined
sometime

for us
the three are combined
always

can you imagine
if we all lived as one?
sex, more sex, drugs, food, fighting
and rock and roll

wait...that sounds like America now...
is it no wonder
we never progress?

choices...

I can chose to stay on the job...nobody in reality is firing me...or I can search for a new job...which is what I'm doing anyway...
I have to be honest and say I kind of painted myself in a corner...I opened my mouth so now folk watch what they say around me and don't "trust" me...but I do a really good job...
also the other thing is we still don't have a head teacher and only four kids are returning...I did hear murmurings of the site being closed, but again folks are giving me the gossip...oh well...
I like working for the schools cause I really like having the school holidays...but MMB is going into high school and will be a part of a lot of after school activities and will be working (she said as soon as she turns 14 in Nov.) so it's not such a big deal as it was when the girls were younger...
I really feel like "clinical director" is pushing me out...she probably has someone in mind...as they tend to hire family and friends...and boss lady becomes very passive to her at strange times...
or I could just stay, move on, and work everyone's nerves...I do have a sweet gig that I'm not really looking to disrupt...I just want more organization and some freaking supervision...who asks for supervision...but I like bouncing new ideas, and as a social worker, being able to have some of my good ideas substantiated and implemented...I don't know it all, but I know what I know...and having my bad ideas shot down with an explanation...I need an explanation...I just can't take folks word for it...
I could also teach full time, but I don't think that would pay the bills...I rather like the part time money with no real commitment to the institution...
so Ima study like a bandit and hopefully pass the LCSW on the first try and maybe I can go into private practice...
or I could become a home daycare provider and provide a small group of children the best preschool development and nurturing that money can buy...or become a private educational/social emotional development nanny...I just don't do housework or wash clothes...

chocolate is in the hospital again...just asthma from drinking milk...the doctors looked at me and said "really? you're sure it's milk?"...they used to do that when choclahontas had asthma brought on by food...they refuse to believe that asthma is directly related to emotions and food...especially food...if chocolate is around animals, he wheezes..."I wheezing...I need face medicine"...he's really in tune and will tell you when an attack is coming on...but anyway...choclahontas couldn't eat almonds- a sure hospital visit...tomatoes, peanuts, and she can die if she eats any form of shellfish...restaurants are tricky cause if they cook the food in the same oil, pot, or use the same serving spoon that's a three day stay at mount Sinai hospital...

MMB is getting over a stomach bug/food poisoning...her stomach can't handle Mama's fried chicken...the nasty chicken joint on the corner...

so I'm enjoying the stormy weather...going to work on typing poppy's latest novel...

the "talk"

so my "clinical director" and I finally had the "talk"...she decided to come down...very long boring story short, they suggested to me it's time to leave cause 1. I breached some kind of code when I told the kitchen that the teachers weren't putting food in front of a kid 2. I told "clinical director" that teachers took food home 3. "its good to change social workers every four to five years...it keeps things fresh"...never mind the fact that everyones been there for minimum thirteen years...4. I'm not utilizing my talents...apparently they don't feel I'm an effective clinician...

I can only surmise that 1. they don't want to pay me...if I pass the LCSW test you better believe I will be asking for a raise 2. I'm a threat cause I "talk to much" and "don't keep secrets" 3. I don't play the game and don't follow the "chain of command"...I would follow the chain of command if folks actually came to the site...and why should I go through two folk if I can go directly to the boss...it's senseless to me...

so I'm actively seeking new employment...I will not be where I'm not wanted or where my talents aren't being "utilized"...

the teacher, who got to "speak" to me attempted to "blow me up"..."I could say things that I'm sure you don't want folk to know" she whined...I stopped her and said "the joke is I tell...folks know what I do...good and bad"..."I doubt it...I've heard things you've said about folks" she sniveled..."ask *headsupervisorsocialworker*...I don't whisper...and you better believe what I say in confidence I can to the persons face"...
I have been playing a few against the middle...I'm tired of folks not doing their job and me having to pick up the pieces...I told the group that there is a difference between liking a person socially and as a co-worker...I really like wildfire as a friend, but not as a co-worker...she does no work...
"clinical director" suggested that if daycare offered me a job I should take it...and maybe I will...cause I will raise in the ranks faster over there then in the therapeutic...it's a shame, cause I have a lot to offer the nursery...but "clinical director" will never let me raise or grow as long as she and bosslady have shit locked down...
more later...I have a housefull...ugh...and a migrane...

life...

...will kick your ass...Inappropriatebarbie took chocolate to school this morning cause I left her ass...got him there at 11...folks already knew the story so they didn't say anything...she was dressed for work and went to stores filling out applications and leaving her resume...I guess she sees that 1. folks aren't playing and 2. she's gonna fuck up and lose all she has and 3. she's a lucky chick cause she has a lot and didn't have to bust her ass for it...
she tried to run a guilt trip tonight, but I held my ground...even when she said she's gonna find someone (at nine at night) to braid chocolates hair...whatever...I didn't even think twice...
bearmaiden, what you said is true, but IAB thinks that the world is her playground and we are all put here to serve her...she really can't understand why she has to do certain things and has expressed many times that as soon as she's working she's hiring a housekeeper...already divacuntbitchken is the nanny...really...

in the midst of it, MMB has gone to her friends house...but I don't think she was around for the drama part so she's there for pleasure and not cause she can't cope with being pushed to the side while her sister runs amok...which makes me very happy...I can't believe she's entering high school...my little non-talking, strange child who squatted on the couch in her strawberry bathing suit and the red rain boots...she was the little mermaid! see she was an actress even then...
MMB is difficult as hell...she drives me CRAZY! but she is very independent and I don't have to think for her...actually she's the opposite of IAB...I have to check her cause she's a sneaky bitch...she has passwords on everything...her phone, her computer...shit she'd lock her door if I let her...well she locks it from the inside (to which I threaten to take the door off the hinges...and have done it and will do it again) but I'm talking about putting a lock with a key...like the front door type of lock...but I've managed to stay one step ahead of her and know most of what's going on...to be fair, she does tell me most things, and since I've already figured/found out I know she's telling the truth...MMB is also paranoid as hell and when/if something serious happens I will know...

so I'm in peace right now...baby's safe, IAB is angry but safe (and at home), and MMB is safe at her friends...I'm eating "glapes"..."more glapes muma, pleash", bout to go to my barbie room and hit the hay...

since no one cares

or wants to hear it I will post it to space...
I am convinced inappropiatebarbie is retarded...I love my kid but she just doesn't get it and won't ever get it...
she couldn't bring chocolate to school cause he has no clean clothes...I personally bought him 200 dollars worth of summer clothes (on sale I might add-so he had at least 10 outfits with about 5 pairs of shoes)...she washed a few things out by hand and took them to pitas house to dry...seems all his clothes, dirty or clean, are at pitas house...I told her she needs to go there (she has a key) and spend the day washing his clothes (they don't pay electricity, so she does this for free)...her reply was that she won't spend the day doing that "dumb shit"...
chocolate does not really need school, but needs the consistency...her emotional turmoil is taking a toll on him...when I called today he answered the phone and said "mommy's crying"...he worries about her, but I see him with a detached attachment...he's acting out in school...he takes off running cause it's one of the only ways he gets her attention when they are in the street and she's engrossed in conversation with the corner boys...he knows that he wont get his needs met immediately so he finds other means, i.e. getting his own shit out the fridge or attempting to leave the house and go to the store when he wants juice..."I be right back"...
she said "I don't know why all this shit is happening to me" uh, I know..."I don't want shit you have to say...mind the work business...you don't know half of what's going on"...fine...I'm not saying shit...
all I care about is chocolate and his emotional/social development...but I don't like taking him cause it gives her free reign to run the streets...and she does...all night...with the scruffiest folk you ever did see...all men...no girls...so I worry about her safety, and what will happen to chocolate if she gets caught in the wrong place at the wrong time...jail or death...cause I would beat blood out of pita if he took him away from me...

life...

...will kick your ass...Inappropriatebarbie took chocolate to school this morning cause I left her ass...got him there at 11...folks already knew the story so they didn't say anything...she was dressed for work and went to stores filling out applications and leaving her resume...I guess she sees that 1. folks aren't playing and 2. she's gonna fuck up and lose all she has and 3. she's a lucky chick cause she has a lot and didn't have to bust her ass for it...
she tried to run a guilt trip tonight, but I held my ground...even when she said she's gonna find someone (at nine at night) to braid chocolates hair...whatever...I didn't even think twice...
bearmaiden, what you said is true, but IAB thinks that the world is her playground and we are all put here to serve her...she really can't understand why she has to do certain things and has expressed many times that as soon as she's working she's hiring a housekeeper...already divacuntbitchken is the nanny...really...

in the midst of it, MMB has gone to her friends house...but I don't think she was around for the drama part so she's there for pleasure and not cause she can't cope with being pushed to the side while her sister runs amok...which makes me very happy...I can't believe she's entering high school...my little non-talking, strange child who squatted on the couch in her strawberry bathing suit and the red rain boots...she was the little mermaid! see she was an actress even then...
MMB is difficult as hell...she drives me CRAZY! but she is very independent and I don't have to think for her...actually she's the opposite of IAB...I have to check her cause she's a sneaky bitch...she has passwords on everything...her phone, her computer...shit she'd lock her door if I let her...well she locks it from the inside (to which I threaten to take the door off the hinges...and have done it and will do it again) but I'm talking about putting a lock with a key...like the front door type of lock...but I've managed to stay one step ahead of her and know most of what's going on...to be fair, she does tell me most things, and since I've already figured/found out I know she's telling the truth...MMB is also paranoid as hell and when/if something serious happens I will know...

so I'm in peace right now...baby's safe, IAB is angry but safe (and at home), and MMB is safe at her friends...I'm eating "glapes"..."more glapes muma, pleash", bout to go to my barbie room and hit the hay...

sorry for the delay...

...if you read me at all...
I haven't written cause I really don't like to complain...and if I'm complaining it's because internally I'm brainstorming..I like to hear different opinions, but I know what I've tried and what worked or didn't...

work is really getting to me...maybe I just need my vacation that is coming two weeks from today...I really like my job overall but it's four years and I'm getting restless...as long as "clinical director" is around I will never be allowed to progress...case in point...I give staff development once a month for the daycare where our classroom is housed...speech has been giving in-service to the teachers, which is fine, but why the fuck did she do an in-service on child growth and development and play development...last time I checked she is the speech pathologist...and why the fuck did "clinical director" ok this...but when I asked her months ago could I do this training she said something to the effect of "no, you're a 'young' social worker and teaching college is just reciting the book...I have 25 years of experience"...
so "clinical director" wants to "make my life easier" by having me write a job description for wildfire...if you are the supervisor write your own fucken job description for wildfire...you should know what wildfire needs to do...but telling her what she needs to do is not the issue...its getting her to do it...
SUPERVISION AND ENFORCEMENT FOLKS...
I need supervision...sometimes I need that person to look over my shoulder and tell me what I'm doing right or wrong...to make sure I've not lost a kid somewhere in the mound of paper work (well, in actuality it's only in the spring that I'm swamped)...

MMB is getting on my nerves...it's just that she's 13...when she's 16 it will be better...but least shes on the upswing...she wants to be a star and I support her 100% but she does not want to hear what I have to say...about ANYTHING...she got stubborn and know-it-allness from both sides of the family...fatlady you can represent her/train her/be her agent...THANKS...I will take on one or both of yours...plus, when your kids see you spend more time with other kids they tend to straighten up and act right...

choclahontas has a new name thanks to bearmaiden, who laughed on sat as we approached her in preparation to get in the car and go to the pow wow...last time we went to a pow wow she had on booty shorts and purple stiletto heels...this time she had on many colors and white knee socks *sigh* at lest she had on sneakers...but she looked cute...anyway, bearmaiden said "her name should be inappropriatebarbie"...and so it is...
she's getting a huge wake up call...something to do with letting folks fool with her bank account which they overdrew and bounced checks, froze what little assets she has...owing me three months of the cell phone bill...owing storage...messing with so many boys/men on 8th ave folks are talking..."I'm not fucking anybody" she says...yeah but folks don't know that...baby needs his mama and she's not paying him attention...her needing a job ASAP or she's gonna be homeless (and she's NOT coming here)...her being mad at me cause I wont let chocolate spend the night (which breaks my heart cause he really wants to) cause I know she's not doing laundry (which hasn't been washed since she moved in back in March...actually she moved with dirty clothes and has bags of dirty clothes in the storage locker), looking for a job, or doing anything productive but running around with her "friends"...so she's been yanking and slamming my car door...told her if she breaks it I'ma break her...

poppy's students (I think four or five) gave him really harsh reviews...at his college the kids write the reviews out...he's taking it personally and has entered a "tunnel" which sets big bear on edge...she over compensates, he gets edgy, they bicker...I'm basically staying out the way...I told him not to worry...apparently this class was given to him (usually he gets to pick his students) and one or most of this bunch are leaving for some reason or another...but his moods directly affect his health...

I'm really happy for bearmaiden and tomcat...I knew from the first she told me that this is long-term...can't explain it...I get a comfortable feeling...a feeling of familiarity...

speaking of feelings...I had a dream a few weeks back that someone was in my house...it was at night...I hid behind the wall and surprised them in my kitchen (which overlooks the fire escape)...it was young dudes...they went back out when they realized that I was standing there, but as I was looking out the window one of them knelt down on one knee and pointed a gun at me...
like an idiot I kept that window open (though I booby-trapped it so I would know if someone entered)...every time I came home I checked the window from the outside as well as the inside...I knew that I really needed to close that window but it was too damn hot...
last weekend I was in and out the house doing laundry...I had the window open but the screen down...I went to the sink and realized that my screen was up...instead of tempting fate I locked my window and put a note on a neon green postcard that reads "if you're close enough to read this I'm close enough to shoot you"...the feeling of finding someone in my house is gone...but the kitchen is hot as hell...
I've learned not to ignore my intuition...I don't second guess it anymore...there have been times when I know I should/shouldn't do something and I'm being lazy and ignore and what I felt was gonna happen, happens...like my car mirror being hit, turning back and having the building fall on me and choclahontas...

so I have a moment of peace...baby is with his mama (much to her dismay), MMB is at her friends for the rest of the week...and I am going to my lavender and pink barbie room and lighting my candles...I'm still going to yoga and LOVE it...

last but not least...
does anyone want my finches? I have four...a mommy, daddy and two kids (a boy and a girl)...they are about four years old but in good health...they have a new large cage and they are happy...I just don't have the time to clean the cage (it has to be cleaned weekly)...ok, I'm tired of cleaning the fucken cage!!!! they are low maintenance and very hardy...they mate for life so I can't think of separating them...
PLEASE TAKE THEM...i will bring them to you...i will even buy them food...once...

snow falling
gently
as it touches
my hand
it tickles
cold
wet
cold
white fluffy
snow
swirling
whirling
cold
wet
cold
snow
then I wake up

machines whirring
dryers turning
the heat is above
105
ladies draped down
long sleeves
head covered
skirts to the floor
oblivious to the heat
talking on the phone
in a sing song voice
as we American ladies
all but naked
melt
sweat
curse
while we fold our clothes

dude...get off the corner...

I live a stones throw away from the soon to be demolished Yankee stadium and the newly constructed UGLY Yankee stadium (actually the both look just the same-just across the street from one another-go figure)...
anywho, last night was the all star game, played at the soon to be demolished stadium...I took a long walk with my sunshine and as I crossed one bridge I could hear the national anthem playing...I ended up on the corner to wait for choclahontas to collect her child as I'm assuming they were finishing up the opening ceremonies...now being a news whore I knew at some point there was going to be a flyover of sorts...just wasn't sure which planes were playing...I love planes and cars, so I try to see...
I was standing on the corner when I heard a noise...looked up and in all its glory was the stealth bomber...this is my second experience seeing the stealth bomber...it is truly a work of design genius (although it had/has many issues in the field)...you don't hear it until it's right over your head (hence the name people) and when it's about a block away you don't hear it anymore...
my lovely folk also heard the noise and said "oh shit...what the fuck is that?...yo, it's a UFO"...folk, I tell you no lie...at the same time I was telling sunshine "look, pa, the stealth bomber"...dudes standing next to me said "you sure? that shit looks like a UFO..." "why that shit was moving so slow?" asked another fellow "yo, that shit's supposed to move fast...what the fuck, they watching us? they gonna bomb Harlem?"...no, I said, they were doing a fly over..."word, I wouldn't known that shit if you didn't tell me...that shit still look like a UFO"...dudes who where on the other side of the street flirting with the girls and drinking soda missed it all...
still reeling from the ignorance of it all I handed over tunner to his mom and walked up the block...
there is a group of folk that take over the sidewalk in the evenings...they set up the card table...break out the henny and dutch, line the kids up in the strollers- keeping them quiet and contained with ices and chips- set up the radio to play the latest songs on the ipod and lounge...as I walked past this charming group I overheard one say to another "that shit did look like a UFO..." a taller older gentleman of the street explained about the bombers, but went on to add "you know they gonna bomb Harlem to get rid of the black folk, so the white folk can move on in"...Um, like setting off a roach bomb perhaps? I wanted to ask...if they bomb Harlem, there won't be any buildings for white folks to move into...
ah, and we wonder why we're so fucked up...read a paper, watch the news, GET THE FUCK OFF THE CORNER...like bigbear said "earth to wheezy"...

only in NY

I would assume...
I had a totally multicultural weekend...it started yesterday when MMB wanted her hair blown out...now in NY the place to get the hair did is by the Dominicans...my sisters know how to straighten them curls and make it last for weeks! well, with my curly frizzy hair blowing it out is kinda of dumb cause it will generally last about two days tops so I decided to get it braided...so I dropped MMB off with my Dominican sisters with their music flowing and the fast talking and I head down the block to the land of Africa...
I've only gotten my hair braided twice (this being the second time) cause I can't stand the fake hair, so I waited until I could just get my hair braided...
WELL...this was an experience...
my lady was fresh from Canada...she has only been in NY for 2 weeks...she came from Senegal about 9 years ago...she was draped down and sweet...she said she spoke her native language and french and wanted to speak english as well as she knew french...but man could she braid...small and tight...this will last in my hair for the rest of the summer...
we watched African movies (in english) and watched a video of someones wedding party...the culture is not kind to our sisters...
then today we went to our first pow wow of the season...I needed to hear those drums...you can listen to native music, but it's so not the same...to hear/feel/smell the drums can be replicated...to eat the food...to visit with friends you haven't seen since last year...
MMB is getting into the jewelery and she and I pick up a few things...nothing spoke to choclahontas this trip, but she is fighting with herself...
wow...what a day, what a weekend...I'm sure bearmaiden will post pictures at some point...

I'm @ work

doing no work...well, I'm pretending...
I'm annoyed with the job and the teachers aren't speaking to me...here's a copy of the email I sent to boss lady...this will tell you why they aren't speaking to me...

I had an incident with (teacher) this morning.
I walked into the room and observed that (teacher)did not put a bowl of oatmeal in front of (kid). I asked (teacher)if she was going to give him food and she said he doesn't eat. I told her that she has to put food in front of him anyway, whether he eats or not. She put raisins in front of him and he ate a few, a played with the rest. I again asked if she would give him oatmeal and she replied that since he does not eat she wanted to save the food for the next child who wants.
This is not the first incident. I observed on another occasion that they did not give (kid)pancakes, and when I inquired they gave him pancakes and he ate the whole serving.
I went back into the room and told (teacher)that I don't want a problem but it doesn't matter if a child eats or not food has to be put in front of them at every meal.

so the "clinical director", who never comes down here, was pissed cause I put "our business" out there to the site director and her administration (cause I told the kitchen and the director that they need to walk into the room and observe the feeding habits...this has been going on for a while...the teachers skimp on giving the kids food so they can take home the leftovers and feed their families...that's fine, but the food is for the kids...feed them first, then take home whatever)...last time I checked site director is the one who provides the food (we are housed in another site separate from bosslady and "clinical director")...these folks need to understand that tho I'm only the "clinical therapist", I alone, am overseeing the day to day function of this site...I told "clinical director" that from here on out I'm only doing my job...we have three children returning, and six are needed to open the classroom and full capacity is twelve...we have no headteacher, no occupational therapist, the physical therapy notes have not been filed since December and not all the medicals are up to date...I'm not busting my ass to fill this classroom, they even asked me to help find a teacher...I'm not doing that either...fuck 'em...

so I'm looking for another job...if this job cleans up it's act I will stay...in two more days my bill will be paid...

wildfire started filing notes, but her grandson came so she went out leaving the unfiled notes exposed (they are legal documents and should be locked up or at least put away at all times)...I'm not doing that shit either...

so I'm packaging one of the last three evals I'm doing...I'm not doing anymore...the ed eval was done by bosslady in may and I just picked up the report this morning...way out of the 20 day compliance...as my name is signed to the overall package, I look like the fool...

I wish I know at 40 at 20...

...cause at 40 I'd be a bad bitch...well, a badder bitch cause I'm a bad bitch already...
I found YOGA...who knew...I wish I knew about yoga at 20...OMG, my first class ever and I am hooked!!!!! and if anyone ever told you yoga was easy is lying through their teeth...
to feel the stretch, the burn...OMG I LOVED IT...I sweated without having to jump around and hurt my joints...
so I'm a yoga junkie...the class is convenient and in my path of walking and at a good hour...
it's quiet, I can get inside of myself and best of all NO KIDS OR MEN...YES...

so the hood is thumping to the beat of a mexican van (no disrespect intended...that's what they are called) that is filled to the gills with high power speakers and chrome rims...sounds like I'm having a party in my house...

healthy living

I sent out this email and decided to cut and paste and share with you in blogworld...

hey guys...I started this group on MSN...I'm hoping to build a community to share and gain a better understanding about health and nutrition for our indegenous women. We are not shaped like our other sisters and I'm finding we need/cant tolerate certain foods and vitamins.

I'm hoping to understand why I'm so freakin heavy even though I eat pretty well and exercise (sometimes) lol...I feel this is an issue we all face and fight with...I feel if we pool all our knowledge we can live healthier lives...I left it open so everyone can moderate, add and delete information...

I started with my visual food diary. I take a picture of everything that goes into my mouth...I've been doing this for three days (I posted the first two days)...due to space I will delete these two days in a day or two and try to post everynite what I ate that day...I really would like you to do the same...it will help us compare...to find what works and what doesn't...I find that I'm thinking twice about what I'm eating cause, wow, that doesn't look good in a picture (i.e eating the icing crumbs off the bottom of the cake plate)...
This is not about being a size two, but being healthy at any size...we are beautiful and we need to feel/be the best we can...

I'm not really computer savvy, so if anyone wants to take this further, or add more stuff, please feel free...also please invite anyone you wish (the invite thingie wasn't working)...

here is the link:
http://groups.msn.com/healthylivingforbetterliving

the day after

oh say can you see
by the dawns early light
the left over residue
from last nights fight
on the ramparts I watched
the poor trees screaming
again I ask
was I only dreaming?
the cops never came
the streets torn down
the cars, buildings
does this happen downtown?
my house smells of smoke
but the curtains were saved
another year we're safe
from the neighborhoods craze
oh say that the star spangled
banner does wave
o'er the land of the free
and the block of the brave

gansta banner

oh say can you see
the ghetto firework show
by the window I watch
already in the know
twilights last gleaming
the rockets red glare
I stand and I shiver
while bombs burst in the air
giving proof through the night
that the stupid are there
oh say where the cops at
when we need them the most
as I fear that my curtains
will go up in smoke
oh say that the star spangled
banner does wave
o'er the land of the free
and the block of the brave

exhale

once again I'm healthy has a horse...thank God...and once again I have to come to terms with the fact I'm a big bruising bitch...Ima lay off the soy, potatoes, corn and meat...stick to a rigorous but fun diet and live...I got my period (I know TMI) so the weight should come rolling off...the good thing is that I shouldn't have my period all summer...I'm not gonna complain cause I can live with that...

MMB is going to start a summer program that features dance, theater and swimming...thank you divacuntbitchken...he's teaching in this program and secured a spot...

hypervigilantbarb reached out to me...so we are emailing again...bitch realized I'ma trueblue friend...

choclahontas cleaned out her apt...she put stuff in my car to go to storage and is going to the laundry tonite...divacuntbitchken told me the house is spotless...yes...bearmaiden had faith in her...I was just gonna kick her ass and take her kid...seems her and pita are working together...maybe she realized it really doesnt get much better than that...

so all is well with the world...I get to pay off my bills in full in 8 days...

random shit

1. racism is alive and well in NYC...wildfire went to her grandson's christening...her son is half PR and half polish...the babymama is first generation Italian...baby looks white...wildfire is PR, but brown...baby is in the walker and she was sitting with him...white lady walks up and says "you're the babysitter? I'm taking the baby"...wildfire composes herself, calls her son and asks "who the fuck is that? I'm not going to make a scene but you better correct that"...son brings lady over and introduces them by name...wildfire says "I'm the babys grandmother and I'M taking the baby"...now I think the true story ended a little different...I don't call wildfire wildfire for nothing...but anywho
2. I went to the Dr. for my yearly check up (mandated by my job), but went to a new Dr. cause the last one tried to pull a fast one on me...tried to bill me a year later for a Dr. they said was in network, but wasn't...when Dr.lady comes in she says "what brings you here today" I say "I just switched from another Dr. and I need this medical filled out" she says "what are you? a home attendant?" now not knocking home attendants cause they work hard, but they babysit old folk and wipe their ass for minimum wage, and most are immigrants and only a high school diploma or GED is required for the job..."no" I say in my most proper and lovely tone "I'm a clinical therapist"...she fumble and futtered through the rest of the visit...
3. I had to put my foot down and send choclahontas home to the squirrel invasion in her home cause I've had chocolate for the last three weeks and she's done nothing- or shall I say, not followed thru- with what she needs to do to get the squirrels from partying on her bed...I told her to put the air conditioner I bought for chocolate in the fire escape window (which is in her room) till the super removes the childbars in the other room, close her windows, change her sheets and put HER CHILD to bed...I felt bad, but everytime she asks me to take chocolate it's because "I'm going to the laundry" or "I gotta clean my house" for which she's done neither...I love chocolate with all my heart, but if I wanted a kid I would have, or could have, one...
4. someone in my life has found a man...and I'm soo happy for them...I hung out with them the other day...they really seem to have the connection and I really see a future...not saying it wont have ups and downs, but I get that comfortable feeling...
5. Dr.lady, after insulting me by making an ASSumption, feels that my issues is my thyroid...I gained 21 pounds in about three months...after I lost about 30...I'm gaining too quickly...even if I ate pizza and cake everyday I shouldn't have gained that much weight...especially since I walk and eat well...get the test results (which I'm sure are normal) tomorrow...but I read that soy is a hypothyroidism's worst enemy and I've been drinking soy milk and eating soy ice cream...
6. MMB is doing really well...she has decided that she wants to act...she also has been practicing her guitar as she is waiting for her lessons to start...I totally support her, but I do tell her the reality cause I don't want them to crush my babygirl cause we all know showbiz is brutal...she needs to be prepared...
7. my bill are gonna get paid in full july 10th...I can't freakin wait...

life is well today...

30 dollars later the only issue with the car is there is a light on the back door that was not being turned off...the actual light goes on and off so I couldn't tell when it was on...
I asked the mexican mechanic his opinion on keeping the car...he said he has a 2002 sedona and loves it...he said it's a good car...that's what my research showed when I bought the car...
so I'm keeping my car...when I get it painted I want pink flames on the side and a pink lotus flower on the hood...my mexican brothers will hook it up...

I'm on my way to watch fireworks with bearmaiden...I wasn't invited, but who cares...all involved will get over it...

thanks fatlady and bearmaiden, you both helped tremendously...yeah, I do have to reevaluate...bearmaiden, you DONT mind riding the train...I'm not too worried bout choclahontas...so my only concern is the parents and tinyone, and for now MMB...
the issues with kias is that they don't have a five-ten year mark history...I got the second or third generation (I think second)...however I have found that buying parts for the car is REALLY difficult and hard to find...I do have a hole in my oil tank which my mechanic sealed cause we couldn't find the cover...
so the more I write, the more I feel I should dump it while I can...the car averaged 1,080.00 a year, which is about 90 a month to own...I've gotten my money's worth on this vehicle...
so I'm going to the greek electric guy to see what's going on and from there I will better decide what to do...
but a smaller car sounds great...lower fuel costs and I can actually find better parking...
I still want feedback folks...

now since all involved are so smart why do I get my period every two to three months? I had a blood test last year and my hormone and thyroid levels are normal...but according to bigbears scale I've gained about 14 pounds in the two months I haven't had a period...the Dr's seem to think all is well...