Sunday, August 23, 2009

my vacation weekend with poppy

is extremely interesting...for one our hosts are very talky...can't really enjoy the quiet or the sound of the river...I keep getting on FB hoping they will get the hint and go away, but no...they just keep on talking...

I've gone many many places with bigbear but I've never gone away with poppy and have never gone away with poppy alone...last night we talked into the night, just he and I...I realized I am a lot like him...we just kind of plod and watch...we laughed about bigbear and choclahontas being who they are...social butterflies...and the fact that we can hid behind them in social situations...
oh but I couldn't sleep...poppy moved around and thrashed...I realized he has sleep apnea,and a pretty bad case...we will address that when we get back...I think once he gets a really good night sleep he'll feel much better...

now we are staying in a log cabin that was built over 100 years ago...from what I'm hearing poppys friends are the third owner...we are in the woods...the country...but its a neighborhood, the house are fairly close together...
but last night as poppy thrashed tossed and turned I couldn't sleep...at one point he was saying the bed was too narrow...I pushed the beds together took my blanket and went to go into the living room...I opened my door to a strange scene...I saw flickering lights and the shape of someone standing in front of the couch...at first I thought it was the host or hostess and contributed the flickering lights to perhaps them lighting the fireplace...I didn't have on my glasses but it was a man short in stature, shorter than the host...
thinking I interrupted something I closed the door, giving them a moment to regroup as I got the feeling that they were startled but when I opened the door again the figure was still there, and the lights were flickering a reddish orangish glow...I sad fuck this poppy we got to share, and laid my ass on the far side of the bed...

this morning my house guest said nothing (and if it was them they would have fussed over me) and the fireplace had not been lit...now remember we are deep in the Berkshire mountains so it's pitch dark outside and not too many cars pass by...and not at three in the morning...

Friday, August 21, 2009

sigh...

I often feel like I'm not heard, don't have anyone to share things with without being cut short, given what seems like opinionated ultimatums...I love suggestions, but if your not walking in my shoes you shouldn't give advise then shut off cause I'm not doing either or...

I'm having a really hard time with choclahontas...yes, she's almost 23 but folks she doesn't act like it...I don't care what she does in her personal life but how it affects the kid, and her lack of emotional attachment to the kid is what bothers me the most...

I'm not here to complain, and I'm not even here to ask for advise cause I do get advise but since folk don't walk in my shoes I sometimes get advice that I've tried or can't use for the particular situation and I can't take the conversations that follow...and I'm not here to justify my decision...

I've decided to turn my dining room into a bedroom for the kid...I'm tired of him climbing over things, wearing dirty clothes when I pick him up, having dirty feet from being in the house and just generally living in unsafe conditions for a three year old...

the bad thing about working with children is you see when children are distressed...I'm no great parent, I'm short on patience, will curse out the older kids and like things a certain way but when I see mine distressed I have to take action...

this kid did not ask to be born...in fact I begged and pleaded that he not be born because I knew the mindset of the parents...they were young, naive, and full of "I know already"...granted most teenagers are this way, but some step up to the plate, but when you have two people with special needs this is never good...

so my poor grandkid...she only takes him for a night maybe every two weeks or so...she ships him to me or the other grandmother..."why take him? just say no...it's her job"...yeah this is true but the difference between his emotional state when he's here and when he's there is markedly different...he came last night, upset that his dirty feet were in his shoes...upset that he had not had a bath since I dropped him off, upset that his environment was not neat, upset that he had on dirty clothes...he cried, screamed, tantrumed until well into the night...only settling down when I laid with him and he could but his head on my leg...he talked all night and ground his teeth- signs of distress...after a night or two he settles down, going to sleep on his own, not needing to sleep on top of me all night...

I told her she's acting like her mother...I needed to tell her the truth...she said I'm a bitch and that's why she doesn't tell me anything...I'm not too upset about this, most teenagers/young adults at some point either say or think this...but she doesn't seem to understand how she is impacting her kid...maybe she does...maybe her demons are shouting to loud for her to hear...I keep telling her to talk to someone...she promises to go see a therapist...but I can't lead her by the hand anymore, I can only do for the baby...I'm afraid the illness that took her mother is beginning to grow inside of her...she joked about having another baby, I told her hell no you don't take care of the one you have, I know you love him but you're not giving him what he needs...I was called a bitch and she stormed out the door...she never disrespects me otherwise and she is appreciative of what she has but she never takes it a step further...she never shows the initiative to better herself...when I talk to to her she generally stands, lets me talks until I say something she does not want to hear then she blows up and storms out leaving the kid upset, confused and angry...

I feel she needs to know the truth...I can't sugar coat it...but being the only one who has these conversation with her I'm a bitch, I don't encourage her, dont see the good...I do talk about the good...the fact that she did go to school for a semester...but how much can I say when she barely attended, didn't take any finals and failed all her classes...she screams she made an effort and I'm tearing her down because I never see the good...

I feel bad...I pushed her off on a poor unsuspecting young man...I can't carry the dead weight anymore...I will care for the baby...give him a home, stability, and consistent emotional support...I love my kid and I will never turn my back on her...but dealing with her I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a drug addict without the drugs...

believe me when I say I don't want to raise another...I looked forward for many years when I could come and go on my own time...get up early, run to the gym, read, write and just be...I hate having to not do things cause of the kid...but I guess this is my thing in life...I have to practice what I preach...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I haven't been here since june 22nd...a lot has happened...so much so that over the next few days/weeks (depending on how often I write) you'll get the whole story...
Poppy lost his leg...he has a new one...choclahontas is moving in with a boyfriend...I actually like him...he totally "gets" her...they are friends first which is majorly important...
and me...I'm still healthy as a horse...still overweight...but going to the gym and working out like a man...so I guess it's muscle so I'm not complaining...
I cut my hair...took all the perm out...and am now sporting a curly afro...and hey, I really like it...
my chocolate sunshine is going to the "big school" in september...my MMB is going to 10th grade...
I'm happy for the most part, but I'm sad...I want to live in a house...one with a porch and yard...I want to plant flowers and tomatoes and cucumbers...I want to sit on my porch with a cup of lemonade with my shoes off, enjoying a summer evening...I don't have to own the house- though most folk say thats the thing to do- I will happily rent and let someone else have the headache...I do keep my surrounding immaculate whether I own it or not...
I don't understand why more than 50% of my income goes to rent...I either need a better job or a cheaper apt and right now neither is happening...
some wish for a man, a relationship...I wish for a house with a yard...

well that's it for now...till later...but I promise it wont be two months...