Friday, July 27, 2007

I love these things...

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISTP)

Your personality type is reserved, methodical, spirited, and intense.

Only about 6% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 8% of all men
You are Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

safe and sound...

Bigbear is safely at home!!!!!!! popabear was happy to see her, and tunner was really happy giving on of his cheshire cat smiles and saying "NANA".
here something else to my dream...the lady that died in my first dream had cancer (I think the same cancer) as wildfires son-in-laws mother...freaky right...


Bigbear comes home today!!!!! I will be getting her from the airport at about three...I have to say, it was fun hanging out with poppabear without bigbear. She has such a HUGE personality that he just fades to the back (which he really doesnt mind)...we were over there yesterday and he put us out! He loves his silence and solitude, and knows that once bigbear is back in the house thats over...

Monday, July 23, 2007

remember my dreams from last posts....

so here it co-worker,who's birthday is a few days before my supervisor, son-in-laws mother died on saturday or terminal cancer on saturday...I knew she was sick, but had not been following her decline. wildfires son-in-law is a tall husky light-skinned man who I suspect drank/drinks alot. The sisters in my dream could represent wildfire and her daughter who are very close and look like sisters. The women was cremeted the next day- hence no funeral...suddenly she was not there...
freaky right? the dreams never makes sense until after the fact.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

My dear Bearmaiden...this is for you

yesterday I discussed the situation with the sun as it pertains to the macrosystem...but now I want to talk to bearmaiden.
I've been thinking about it, she and I have to say that we are totally different in how we deal with, and process situations. I found myself being annoyed with her because she was "moping". You see, when I am presented with a situation I have two choices. I either fight to the bone or I accept the situation for what it is and move on. I will complain, but as I am complaining I am listening to myself, hearing different scenarios, and listening to see which one sounds better (thus fam, it seems that I zigzag, but I'm just looking at all angles).
So I talked with choclahontas, and questioned myself, asking what would I do if I were in the same situation (I check myself constantly because I worry that I don't have normal emotions). This can be good and bad. If I have a bad morning with the girls, or a really fucked up day at work, once I leave the environment its out of my mind until I am presented with the situation again. I hardly ever mull over a situation or replay it in my mind. I really don't dwell in what if's, just with what is.
When I'm at work, I can make a mental list of what needs to be done. When I'm home I can't remember the list, but as soon as I walk in the center it all comes flooding back.

So If I were in her shoes I know I would be upset. I would break fool in the courthouse, and later that day. But after a good nights sleep (and believe you me, I would go to sleep) I would move on until the day it was time for him to leave. I would deal with the emotion, then live life until he came back.
I am a strong believer in going with the flow, living the adventure, seeing what the outcome will really be. Maybe because I have dreams/thoughts that tell me an outcome, I never worry about, again, the whatifs.

Bearmaiden, you have not failed or lost. This is merely another chapter in the book of your life that will soon end. Keep reading but don't jump to conclusions. No one knows exactly what will happen in the end (not even me). Don't mull over the whatifs, take action when you can. Write an article for the New York Times, or just publish it on the web. See where you can make a difference.
Remember I once told you that if shit keeps happening you have to ask God to claify the message he is trying to send you. He is annoyed, He wants you to do or stop something and you are not hearing. Ask for a sign, and within twenty four hours you will have an answer, but be prepared, it may not be the answer you are looking for.

I had a dream last night about my supervisor. She had a sister and a brother. Her sister was brown like her and looked like her, and her brother was much lighter with straightish hair. Her brother appeared ok, but I soon realized that he was back on drugs (for some reason I knew he had a substance abuse problem although I didn't know him). I didn't know how to tell my supervisor that he had fallen off the wagon. He was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't catch it. He finally left the house and I knew he would be gone for a while. I woke up and knew this dream ment something, but I don't know to whom or what. And no bearmaiden, it was not about the sun not returning from CA...
I also dreamt the a few weeks ago that my co-worker died suddenly of a heart attack- we didn't see her dead or attend a funeral, she just wasn't there. We were upset, but got through the day until days end when our other co-worker left to go home...they are best friends and are always together...I woke up crying (could that be him leaving to CA?) I know these dreams are not about real death, but loss.

my dreams are always the interperative version of what I for example I dreamt that my father, poppa, had died of a busted blood vessel...I was distraught because it hurt so bad and was so sudden. A few days later, idiots nephew, who they called pop, was shot in the chest...he was about twenty years old...the funeral was hectic.

I refuse to be stressed, I have learned that it does all turn out OK, because we have Mr. O on our side. I continue to do the right thing because the second you don't you'll get caught by God. So do the right thing...Bearmaiden pick your head up and enjoy your summer with the sun...God closes a door but opens a window, so open the window wider, let the summer breeze in, look at the sun, the flowers and the birds, and them climb the fuck out the window and run through the field of flowers with your hair blowing.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I'm in the house all alone...

...and you would think I would go out, or clean (which I love to do, it relaxes me), but no...I am making a turkey burger and sitting my ass on the couch...
I have had a week...bearmaiden got the news that the sun has to go to californ-I-A. She views it as a loss, but in reality its a gain. There are a few things at play.

Eighteen years ago, when we were in court battling for my sweet choclahontas (that's a story I will tell, and bearmaiden will concur at a later time, but to make a really long story very short, Choclahontas was a gift from God, I say a corrected mistake, and not birthed from any of our wombs) she got two overnites with her biological family.
My sis and I cried, we cried when we got the decision, we cried when we dropped her off, we cried the whole night, and cried when we picked her up...but you know what? its eighteen years later and she has NEVER spent another night with them, and to this day she doesnt like or respect them...see, we allowed her to see them for who they are in their comfort zone...the same goes for moodmagicbarb, who has spent time with idiot, and was able to see him for who and what he the only reason why she doesnt have overnites is because 1. he would dump her with his current fling (and the main one cant stand MMB and lets her know it) and 2. his son is a pervert

Now back to the sun...the GAL seems to feel that bearmaiden is a hysterical vindictive black bitch...but I could look at her and tell she is bitter and has an unfulfilled life and NO sex (don't ask, I can just tell). it appears to me that she is attempting to correct some wrong in her life/career. Shes dangerous until her prejudices can be exposed.
The judge has to cover her ass...she is dealing with the type of person who could ruin her career. Sometimes at the TN we get parents that we really are very careful with. These parents could lodge a complaint or make an accusation that could be career ending. It tends to be the less educated and loud mouthed ones that we watch out for the most. So when dealing with FBB, they have to cross every T, and dot every I, because if they don't he can cry discrimination, favoritism (cause the judge is a spanish women) etc. and ruin and/or end somebodies career.

But I happen to know that we social workers and law folks, do set traps in which folks can fuck themselves. I have seen them set traps before, but out of sheer luck on his part, he has evaded them.
I don't know at this point if this is a trap, or who they are attempting to trap and flush out, or if they are doing whatever they can to make FBB satisfied and hopefully go away (what they don't know is that nothing satisfies him). Anyway, I do know that they wanted to push sis to see what she would do when faced with her greatest fear...losing a child to someone, and not necessarly to death, is every womans greatest fear, that's why all abusive men tell the woman that they will take the child away and mom will never see them, it always subdues the women initially until she calls his bluff or kicks his ass...
So anyway, they wanted to see what Bearmaiden would see when someone does not show emotion, especially anger, its a big red flag to professionals cause its fake, you're not being real to yourself or others. So will bearmaiden go off? will she withhold? will she become suicidal or homecidal? According to her account of what transpired, her reaction was right on target, that's why they scattered.

so here's the other side...will FBB crumble under the day to day of being with a child...there are accounts that he is somewhat delusional (not the same has having hallucinations), they want to give him enough time away from bearmaiden to show his true colors, and show what kind of a parent he really is...judge gave bearmaiden a compliment and remarked how well spoken and wonderful sun is, and what great behavior he had...that means that BM did this all on her own, and did a great job raising sun...They easily wrote in the hair decree, which they didn't have to do, judge could have said its not important...score two for BM.

Sometimes, and I'm not saying its right, we have to use the child as a pawn to, in bigbears words, "lance the boil". We attempt to not put the child in direct danger, but in enough of a stressful situation to turn the parents around. With mandated parents its called therapeutic leverage- one uses the persons fear (usually of having children removed or not returned) to manipulate them to do what you want them to do. So in this case they are using therapeutic leverage to "lance the boil" and get the case moving...cause in reality its stuck in dead center and FBB has no plans to move it forward.

So I say, trust in God, let sun be excited, be excited for him, find the humor, and document the injustice. Don't look at this as a loss...cause the outcome has already been written, and I know it will be ok, just like I knew we would ALWAYS have choclahontas...on that first night I knew she would be with us forever, bearmaiden said "don't say that, cause you don't know" and I said "yeah, I do know", and nineteen years later (almost to the day) she is still here, forever together...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

damn these things are true...who makes them up?

This happens to be my favorite color!!!!!

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

damn damn damn...they are soooo right...
Gemini - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

Your lively, outgoing attitude attracts people to you everywhere you go.
You can talk your way into - and out of - any situation you desire.
You're adaptable enough to flirt with anyone - and people tend to fight over you.

Your negative traits:

You get easily bored in relationships, and tend to jump from person to person.
You tend to be a bit of a player - and have a high tolerance for drama in relationships.
Not the most empathetic person, you tend to tell lovers to "get over" their problems.

Your ideal partner:

Is intelligent and quick witted enough to keep you interested.
Is a bit of a shape shifter, providing you with the variety you crave.
An open minded person, who's willing to have a non-traditional relationship.

Your dating style:

Exciting. If your date shows you a new experience (like Egyptian food or scuba diving), you're very happy.

Your seduction style:

Experimental: it's rare that you try the same thing twice.
Ultra kinky - you do stuff that's not even in books yet.
Hot and cold... sometimes you're just not into the whole sex thing.

Tips for the future:

Settle down a little. Sometimes good things come with time - so don't let people go so fast.
Acknowledge that you're a player and flirt. If your mate can't live with this, find someone who can.
Give your partner a little more attention. You don't have to be a social butterfly all the time.

Best color to attract mate: Sunny yellow

Best day for a date: Wednesday

0k...last but true...I had to put this
Your Five Factor Personality Profile


You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.


You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.


You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.


You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

bearmaiden has outdone me...

and not in a bad way...I start my day by checking her blog...she is such a good writer and has such stories to tell that sometimes I feel overshadowed by her (and I always have) I often don't write as much cause quite frankly my thoughts are not so insightful and eloquently put.
My life is grape juice to her wine (and sometimes my juice is sour or bitter)...I don't think that much cause for me once the issue has been presented and dealt with, its out my mind.
She remembers so much about Jamaica, and kept her diary obsessively...mine usually says "got up, got dressed, ate, went to bed"...but then I was only eight or nine...
The funny thing is I have never been in competition with my sister...what is hers is hers and I find another interest. I have always been free to be me, but if I see that she is shining, even if I had an interest, I would back off. I don't do that with my girls...I encourage them to share the same interest, but know that they will both do it differently. I don't want them to not pursue an interest just not to step on their sisters toes (which on my own is what I did- I always wanted to play piano, but didn't cause music was bearmaidens thing).
Having sisters is a funny thing...I see it with my girls and their sisters (from the idiotbabydaddy). They fight like cats but let someone mess with one, or say something dumb, or the sisters do something dumb, and all hell breaks loose.
Its nothing like having a sister...

Monday, July 16, 2007

this is true

Your Brain's Pattern

You're a simple thinker, and this is actually a very good thing.
You don't complicate matters when you don't have to.
You look for the simplest explanation or solution, and you go with that.
As a result, your mind is uncluttered and free of stress.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

I missed the call!!!!!

Bigbear called and my phone was upstairs...she left a message, didn't say anything about the luggage, but said NOT TO CALL was going to sleep. She sounded good...Lord, I beg you to give us alot more years with her cause we would fall to pieces if anything happened to her...
Now don't get me wrong...we love papabear just as much, but hes like the sound of the ocean when you're in the house...Bigbear is the wave that crashes against you while you're at the beach...
Papabear always laid out his turf...don't cross this line unless your invited. The line was a much physical as mental...I guess with him almost dying a few years ago we have gone through the emotions and are able to part with him although it would hurt just as much...Bigbear on the other hand has never been sick, never been to the hospital, never had any health scares...
I freely admit that we are *obsessed* (for lack of a better word) with our parents. They are everything to us...its hard for me to imagine life without then, I can't imagine why folks have kids and lose track of them, mentally and physically.
I know a few teenagers whose parents are worthless...they don't know what the kids are doing, nor do they care. Life is all about them recapuring their youth. I love my kids as much as my parents love me, and choclahontas loves tunner as much as I love her...and its ok...I weave life lessons with love, and so far its worked...bearmaiden and I, as weird and crazy as we are, turned out ok, so as my father would say "the method works".
well, we are off to the to go get bearmaiden and the sun, I sure she will post pictures later...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

its amazing

that if you take one kid out the equation you have so much more time and energy...however, I don't mind not having any time...its kind of boring with one...MMB brings so much to the table. Choclahontas and I love to walk, whereas moodmagicbarb HATES to walk and can fuck up a walk with her constant complaining and cries of "I'm hungry", choclahontas is missing MMB cause she has no one to be bitchy anyway, me and the hontas took a LOOOONNNNGGGGG walk, but it was too quiet...there was no one to say "just drop me home" or "noooo, I dont want to go to the supermarket too" and "I'm hungry"...hontas crashed into the woods showing the white under her tail when we got home "to much me and you time mommy"...whatever...

She and Pita have been fighting...she allowed him into the home while I was sleeping "he has no where else to go"...I told her I could give less than a fuck if he slept on a park bench, and if she kept the shit up she could sleep next to him (yeah, I do curse at/with my kids...really bad habit, but they know better than to curse back). This is making her a stronger person. For some reason she can't stand up to men (though she has gotten A LOT better) and allows herself to be on the other hand don't have the patience...

which leads me to this...there are a few phrases in life that set me off, one of which is "there you go with that" hear a man say that to me or another women is to me a sign of disrespect, belittling, and diminishing...often that phrase is ended with "shit", "fucken shit", "bullshit", "thinking you know it all", "thinking you have all the answers"...put your own words at the end...
So Darren told me he had a lady but wanted to take me out to eat at City Island, which I don't care, but when he brought it up today I told him "I will go out with you if it means that you don't have to lie or fabricate a story to your peeps" "what are you talking about?" he said, I shot him a look, he stepped back and said "there you go with that"...well, as my best friend Honey would say, my horns went up...he went on to say, as he steadily stepped back, that he wouldn't do that cause that would be wrong...whatever, the statement was said and my interest in him deflated in the moment it took for those words to leave his mouth.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

i did some research...

and found that some women have this condition (they dont know why) that causes you to have too much salt in your blood...something with too much estrogen...thats why around your period when your estrogen spikes, you bloat. So they recommend drinking Uva-Ursi tea (which helps you elimiate water), 250 milligrams of B6, and 500 milligrams of chewable calcium twice a day (in the morning at breakfast, and at dinner). I have been taking calcium and B6, and drinking yerba mate, but I will be getting the other tea...they also said DON'T take over the counter diaretics because they contain caffine...

I don't know how to link pages so I copied and pasted the important stuff:

-Some people's bodies seem to retain water for no apparent reason, according to Charles Tifft, M.D., associate professor of medicine at Boston University School of Medicine. The puffiness may come and go in cycles, he says, and may be related to hormone fluctuations. It can affect both men and women. In women it usually occurs in the week or so before menstruation. During this time, the surge in estrogen triggers the production of aldosterone (Aldosterone helps regulate levels of sodium and potassium in the body, which in turn helps control blood pressure, the distribution of fluids in the body, and the balance of electrolytes in the blood). This hormone makes the kidneys retain water, which tends to collect in the breasts and abdomen. Some women gain several pounds during this time. Other women simply experience a shift in the distribution in water with no weight gain. Slacks and blouses often fit more snugly, however.
-Skip the junk food. Too much sodium in your blood can waterlog the tissues, so reducing your salt intake makes sense, says Dr. Tifft. Besides avoiding obviously salty fries, pepperoni pizza and convenience foods, cut down on foods containing hidden salt. These include some salad dressings, cereals and canned soups. Become a label reader.

I hope this link tells you more about the aldosterone hormone:

...cant you tell I'm lonely? I've posted more today than in the last month...Im going to bed...

its like old times....

just me and choclahontas...roommates, buddies, my partner in crime...but my right arm is missing...the one who ALWAYS knows where i parked the car, and who tells me how many minutes before my meter runs out...the one who ALWAYS makes things right "don't worry mommy, I will NEVER act like that"...its ok barb, you WILL act like that, but its ok...I can rely on MMB to tell me when I'm wrong, and when I'm right...she has the memory of an elephant and remembers EVERYTHING...but last heard she really likes it so I can relax, I wont need to catch a flight to bring her home...I know she will really grow mentally and emotionally (and physically) over this trip, she will come back really ready for eight grade.

And the straw that stirs the drink...we've spoken twice...she landed safely, but last heard her luggage was missing...I pray that they find it soon, fifteen days without your shit sucks big time!!!

I did the gym, and now choclahontas and I are going to DEEP CLEAN the room, maybe we will even see the floor...tunner spilled juice today, went and got the mop and cleaned it up..."I guess he really is a clean freak" she said...uh yeah, thats why he WONT go in your room...

I went to the GYN...she is a really nice lady, I'm glad that I didnt have to change her when I switched insurance...she said my weight gain and loss (today I'm 185) is purely hormonal. She said that when I skip periods I'm not ovulating and I retain fluid..."12 pounds?"..."yes, even more, depending on how long you miss"...she also said that my high weight is not obesity (like the other doc said) but muscle gotta love her...
So I am to keep track, and let her know...if I continue to skip (blood test show I'm not in early menopause) then they will do a complete hormonal workup...finally an answer...but this means that when I do go into menopause I'm looking at a huge weight gain so I have to be super careful and probably should start looking at things that help me get rid of the water...I always said I had to be the lowest weight possible to go into menopause...

so we always know what time it is....



I'm all alone....

...everyone is gone...Moodmagicbarb has gone to Oregon for 11 days with her friend- shes sitting on the runway waiting for takeoff. She has spent the night out many times, but now she is across country...I cant run and get her in the middle of the night...I think the separation is harder on me than her, but I couldn't show her my feelings cause she WOULDN'T go, and she would miss out on a wonderful experience. So I hardened my heart, and shipped her out...

Bigbear is in china...she should be landing in about an hour...
I can't even go into that...15 days!!!! but the hardest is her being on the plane where I cant randomly call to tell her about a thought the minute it pops in my mind...bearmaiden is very close to bigbear, but I rode on her hip...I was attached...much the same way MMB is attached to me...bigbear is my partner, my friend, my partner in crime...we do almost everything together...she plays good cop and I play bad...
bearmaiden has my fathers Independence, and that need to be alone, but me and bigbear need the community of each other, alot of it, all the time.

so much has happened since I last posted, it will take me awhile to sort it all out...Pita and choclahontas had a horrible fight...he let himself get out of control (as teenage boys do) but I couldn't calm him so I called the cops and his aunt and mother...he was not arrested, but I suspended him from my house...he has to seek counseling for depression and anger issues before he can return...choclahontas, as I mentioned before, is a white tailed deer...issues sent her running, all we saw was the white under her tail as she crashed through the forest...she also will be going to couples therapy with pita...they want to work it out, but realize that they both need to grow up and deal with somedeepseated issues.

now to my health...I mentioned that I went to the doctor with concerns about my thyroid...well folks, I'm as healthy as an ox...
the results of my blood test are as follows:
blood sugar- 74
my thyroid- .803 (normal is between .47 to 5.5)
total cholesterol- 180 (normal is under 200)
LDL cholesterol- 107 (normal is under 130)
triglyceride- 67 (normal being under 200)
HDL cholesterol- 60 (normal is above 45)
at the visit I was 190, I lost three pound last week, and this week when I weighed I was 181...go figure...I have no idea why I gain and lose so rapidly. I go to the gyn today and we will see what my weight is...
but the point is I'm healthy...I'm 5'3 and built like a muscle as long as I'm healthy, I'm not going to worry about my weight...I will continue to eat well, exercise and just live life~~~~

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

did you hear about the new barbie line?

its the new DSM IV barbie line... here are a few of the new dolls:

Moodmagic Barbie- youre already familiar with her...her mood flips from happy to sad to angry at the bat of a barbie eye

ADHD Barbie- formally known as easily distracted, and flits from one thing to another, without ever finishing a thing

Flip and Switch Barbie- formally known as Dissociative Identity Barbie, she goes by many different names and wears many hats...the orginal name was not catchy in test trials

Scizo Barbie- its the voices bearmaiden, its the voices

Copy Me Barbie- copying can be good...

and not to be left out is the BabyDaddy line:

Doom and Gloom Bill- claims to self destructs at sixty-four...but is indestructable and has outlived all the other Ken dolls, also know as Cannabis Bill

Paraniod Antisocial Ken- likes to be by himself on the the only talking doll, mutters "hair", "mine" and "never" repeatdly.

Mental Ken- has to many issues to list, but has the best body of all the Ken dolls

Then there is the baby line:
Mountain Climber Ken- is the only wind up doll...wind him up and watch him climb walls, ladders, chairs, fish tanks, etc.

Action Ken- is really the only normal doll in the line, but does have a high-pitched cry when not given its way...engages in all activities...