Sunday, December 27, 2009

my email to the boss...

a few things...well, a lot of things...

first I must clear the air...I was a little peeved the other day with our professional conversation...I had to mull it over for a few days to determine exactly what annoyed me before I spoke on it...because I generally like you and the job I'm going to voice my grievances so they wont fester and become something bigger...I'm airing this so we can process, discuss, and grow from this and move on...

I am a very conscientious person...I believe in hard work and show dedication to what ever task I'm doing...if I'm given clear expectations or tasks I complete them in a timely fashion to the best of my ability...I'm not the type to cut corners, lounge around or try to get over...everything I do/say has a purpose...as a social worker, and a school social worker, I know the general job and take it seriously...I don't need a job description...job descriptions just give me the specifics to a particular environment/job (never mind the fact that I never got one in the beginning so I feel I did pretty well in the last two months)...
my first job will always be to serve the emotional and social development of children...I am totally child centered and will always put the needs of the child before any team, staff member, meeting or even myself...

also during this conversation you mentioned something along the lines of "when you walk in the room the conversation or interaction should change"...I wasn't quite sure if you were talking about the teachers or students...but honestly I don't operate like that...I never want to walk into anything/anywhere and have folks change just because I'm there, because when I leave all goes back to normal...meaning no learning/processing has occurred...I always want to see the true person...I will work with someone so they can internalize, process and make their own the changes that need to occur...

however, what I find on this job are many unclear expectations, such as finding out "major things" as I go along (which may or may not be in the job description), and being given expectations after the fact...I may not have a set schedule, or a schedule on paper, but my time is planned...I was a bit taken aback during our discussion when you handed me the job description as if I was not doing my job, or didn't know what my job entailed...I am doing my job, plus...
I will make a clear schedule when we get back, but unfortunately I have to wait and meet with others...

which leads me to another point...there are entirely too many unproductive meetings with too many "teams"...I'm finding that often one team has no idea what the other team is doing...as social worker I should be aware of it all but can't, it just takes up too much time...we need to determine what is important and condense the teams- in my view the teams should be student support, teacher training, linking school and home...have one team centering on each topic...each of the three teams will meet independently as often as needed, but the three main teams must meet once a month minimum...

out of respect for you and the office, I have not openly discussed my observations on the shortcomings of the office or school with you or anyone else...I try to go about it in a demonstrative way- I model what I want to see happen...my "free time" is spent talking with ..., ...or ..., finding out what they need, what they like/don't like about the job, mulling over what part I can play to make the job/office more efficient and effective...however I find that people need clear directives, set schedules (whether it be daily, weekly) that don't change on a whim...one person needs to be in charge of the SFS members...I've observed that sometimes our staff get directives from other offices/people...that leads to frustration...
the school and staff uncertainty is being acted out by the children, thus a contribution to the behavior issue...children are emotional mirrors...

there are many things that are working...mentoring for one...the involvement and well-meaning of the staff toward the children...the positive relationships between staff and children...the understanding that each child is different, thus needing different things to succeed...and the learning, despite test scores (which I don't even know what they are) I see learning in the classrooms...the positive interactions between staff and parents...

as for solutions, my first thought is that SST and our office need to work closer together...we need to closely support one another...it's a good way to justify our office...merging the BIP's is a very good idea, but both teams need to follow through...we need to determine who has family contact (I feel it should be us), who has teacher contact (SST) and who merges the two (you and I)...

the phone log must be set up, for our office as well as for SST...we all need to be on the same page always when it comes to parent contact...folks need to respect and follow the phone log...

SFS must work closer with the classrooms...we should have set schedules when we are in the classroom...one person a day (on a set rotating basis) can be an emergency person who can be pulled from the classroom to address crisis situations with children, as one person should be on call to address parent/staff issues...yes, I have first grade but if I'm with a kid and ...is acting up there is nothing I can do at the moment and Ms. ...now feels unsupported...I'm putting classroom observations in my schedule- one class per day (or hopefully one grade per day)...

we need, with clear expectations and schedules, to utilize the staff......and ...have expressed (through general conversation) how much they enjoy being in the classroom...the schedule can be set up so every one gets to visit a grade a day...during our class visit time, we can model effective classroom management so hopefully the teachers will send less children to our office...I have printouts on what to look for when doing a classroom observation and I/we along with the teacher training team, can develop clear classroom management techniques we can model during our visit...

which leads me to SEALS...I don't understand it in the context of school wide use (well I do, but see it's difficulties and limitations), and those I've talked to are extremely confused...it is a good curriculum, but from feedback there was not enough preparation for implementation...for us it's easy as pie, but it's such an outside concept that folks are having great difficulty in processing the information, making it their own and using it in the classroom...I found it difficult to find one thing to use without feeling like I was missing the point because I didn't include A, B, or C, which then exceeds what I'm trying to accomplish or time limitations...folks like clear expectations and to tell them to take something and make it their own is a hard concept for some to grasp without continued support...maybe one PD a month can be dedicated to the SEALS curriculum, starting with a general overview and purpose...

and lastly, extended day must correspond with the day program, it has to in order to benefit the children...I've observed the switch in children at the dismissal transition...at three fifteen when the new staff person enters the expectations immediately change...this is a extremely difficult transition for some children...I don't expect ED to be the same as the school day, based on the young relatively inexperienced staff...but being young and inexperienced they will be easier to train so we mustn't use that as an excuse...
ED makes for a very long day for our children...they are in school from 7:15 to 5:15...10 hours for a child in one environment is a very long time...most of us don't have work hours (on paper) that are that long...children who are tired display the same symptoms as those who have ADHD...they still need structure, not to be told they are "bad", and gentle but firm approach...
I talked with Ms. ...very briefly on how we can merge and better ED...one of the ideas was a nap or quiet time after snack ...I've observed that the time between 3:15 and 4, when they go to specials, the children are jumping off the walls, half the class is in the hallway or in our office, and the teachers are on the radios trying to find their charges...they do not have the same support as the school day...I try to visit the classes on weds, but the teachers do not like that at all as I feel they don't understand the purpose...I feel we also need to sit in and model effective classroom management, especially during the crucial time between 3:15 and 4...

another idea is to have all available staff in the hallways and stairs at transition time...this can be implemented until children get used to transitioning in a more effective and safe way...Vygotski stated that children learn socially before individually...we need to set clear social expectations before we can expect them to own the expectation individually...this idea also can be translated into the classroom management piece...

this is a lot for a sunday morning, but in the quiet I've been thinking about the job since we got off (I told you my mind runs 24/7)...I want to see the school succeed, but more importantly I want this to be a memorable safe experience for the children...I want it to be a place they want to come back too, sharing grades and life stories...there is work to be done, but with clear expectations, trimming the extras, and hard work we can turn it around...

I can put this information in a more formal format if needed with clearer problems/solutions...


looking forward to hearing your thoughts/feedback...you may share my email/thoughts with anyone...enjoy the rest of your vacation...

Friday, December 25, 2009

merry christmas...

I don't keep christmas...I don't knock anyone who does...but I don't see the point in running around to find gifts for folks just cause we're supposed too...I much prefer birthdays...that's your special day...a day you don't have to share...

but looking back over this year, whew, it was crazy...the year started off with poppy being sick...very sick...to him losing his leg...wow...took me some time to process that one...got choclahontas out the of the apartment...away from the hood and the possibility of her losing her freedom/life...kicked her ass out...made her move in with a guy she basically just met...not something I'm proud of and don't even advocate but I'm thankful it's worked out...

started the year with a boyfriend, but that was dead by may...but the most amazing thing to me is the fact that I walked off my job and into another...wow...I NEVER thought I would ever have the balls to do something like that...I'm not selfish at all and that was a pure selfish move and I DID IT...
I tracked down this job...got this job after being interviewed by seven people and beat out about five other candidates...wow...I really feel good...
I'm taking this moment to reflect... ...wow...

so this year...what will it bring...I'm applying for the PhD program at city university...don't know if I'll get in, but I've realized i'm smart...dont know it all, but am pretty damn smart...so TO NOT TRY IS A FAILURE...

back to the year that's ending...poppy once again has pulled through...once again is slowly muddling through life...

but wait...this is the end of a decade...bigger wow...I've accomplished so much this year...I graduated college in 2001 and grad school in 2004...I've owned two new cars, raised my children, moved two times, had two short term boyfriends (no longer than four months- I've got to change that, or change the folks I'm dealing with)...became a college professor and a licensed social worker...have five years experience under my belt...became a grandmother...and I'm still 29!!!!!!

on this christmas, I'm so thankful to have lived another year, another ten years...no gift could ever make me feel as good as I feel right now...
merry christmas to me...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

confessions...

for years I have not been true to me...I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, say what I thought folks wanted me to say, acted, dressed, and just did whatever I felt others wanted...
well at 41 I've decided to just be me...I know why I do what I do and I'm ok with it...so here goes...

I love being single...yes sometimes I'm lonely, but usually it's not for sex but for someone to ride with when no one wants to go with me...like to Florida or somewhere really wild on the spur of the moment...I'm down for taking off on friday and driving till I'm tired, getting a room and roaming the area the rest of the weekend...or someone to have a drink with...but usually I'm quite content to be by myself with me and my candles...I've yet to meet a person that is as eclectic as me and who can roll with my many sides...and I don't like folks enough to just have certain people filling certain needs...

I really love my young boys...25 is my age of choice...that's when they're still fun, full of live with minimal baggage...but I had an insight yesterday...the love of my life was killed when he was in his late twenties and I guess I've been searching for him...but I find the older guys are jaded...stuck in their ways...got babymama/ex-wife drama...ugh...I'm willing to be with a guy and let him go have babies somewhere...I'll help raise them but will have the luxury of sending them HOME...I just don't have the patience for small kids...not on an everyday basis...but shit guys can go with girls 25 years younger than them why can't I?...ok, I've given up on the thugs, they're really a waste of time but what if I find a young fine one who's SMART, has a life and shit going for him...am I supposed to turn him away cause I was 16 when he was born? lol...I crack myself up....but finding a "man" is not the number one priority in my life...

I like people, but really feel like their stupid...now I'm NOT the smartest person in the world but I know what I know...I wish I had the time to learn more but that will come...I hate having to repeat myself...I'm proud to be drama free...

I really hate my ex...he's such an ass...I only tried to make it work cause I knew that was the only way he would deal with the kids...but that didn't work and it only made me look and feel stupid...but as a person I really can't stand him...never did...even when I first met him I didn't like him but I got used to him...and once I learned his shit I figured that I already knew it and didn't want to break in another idiot...but man I can't stand him...

I love my parents to distraction...in fact they distract me from making other friends...cause my mama will ALWAYS come first...and my poppy...enough said...

I do take my sister and kids for granted...I don't tell them I love them as much as I should...well I tell my kids but not my sis...whew they all annoy the holy shit out of me but I don't know what I'd do if they weren't in my life...

I like quiet when I come home...I need some time to do me with no talking...I talk all day and although I love you I don't want to talk to you...but I do cause I know it's important...

I don't care if I have a mouse in my house cause my house is clean and eventually then will go away on their own but I HATE when they're stuck to the trap...super double UGH...I will find a random person outside to come remove that shit...now roaches...if you see one they're a thousand inside your walls...I go berserk when I see one...

I'm the perfect woman...not perfect for every man but I'm a bad bitch...I'm so over my weight (although for health and energy reasons I want to lose) it's just too tiring to keep up with it...when it gets warmer I'll walk to and from work...MMB will have to take the train...

so that's all I can think of right now...

so now I'm going to bed so I can go see my young fine ass one in the morning...I would never mess with him cause I don't shit where I eat or screw where I work but damn a girl can dream...

snow

the white softness
mutes the sounds
of the city
filling the trees
covering the ground

soft as cotton
fluffy
like a cloud
falling to earth
you can sink
into it's softness

like a security blanket
the soft surrounds you
covering the ugly
making everything look
like wonderland

the white softness
a gift from God
muting
covering
surrounding
making the world
for a moment
the most beautiful
place on earth

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

just a quickie

i talked to an old friend last night...a former boyfried of bearmaiden but one of my boys...when I was younger I only hung out with the boys...i have found girls to be so petty and phoney...
we talked about old times...the old building...the trouble we got into...the folks that past...it made me sad...i had a very strange but wonderful childhood...sometimes i feel so alone but after talking with oldfriend i realized that i do have a crew...old friends...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

a response to bearmaiden's post...

a few things...first-thanks sis for the compliments...I still sometimes doubt my writing/abilities/thoughts...but hopefully that will change as I plan to dedicated my summer to writing...to really explore and tighten up my theories...

funny thing is, as jaded as I've become, I STILL see the good in people...I refuse to give in to the theories (especially with kids) that people are fundamentally bad until they are taught to be good...
within the categories each person is still an individual, and I try to find the good in all...my child sometimes does not see it...she will ask why am I wasting my time with a certain person...but I see things-good and bad...I remain focused on the good...I will believe in the good until proven otherwise...sometimes folks become so jaded that the good is securely protected behind a wall...sometimes folks feel like they're already bad (or did a bad deed) so what's the point...they use it as an out...an excuse to continue to do wrong...and some folk feel that it will all work out in the after life...

however I say, and stand by, the fact that 95% of a developing child's issue is their parent...children are 1/3rd the mother, 1/3rd the father and 1/3 the individuality of the child...but that 1/3rd that is solely the child is a blank slate...every word, every action is a mark on that slate...those marks can be erased or written over, but the marks never fully go away...but sometimes the stamp of one parent is strong...it overshadows everything else...for good or bad, but often for bad...I can usually tell how a person is by asking about their interaction with their parents...

the big divide is the issue of black/white/gray...we live in gray...the system (any system) is in black and white...some folks are born and raised in black/white...they understand the system, but often fail at the gray...some folks are gray...born and raised...educated in the gray...live and die in the gray...I am red...I refuse to adapt to the black/white/gray...I complement the non colors with my vibrant red...always the stand out...I used to attempt to hide behind the black but I've given that up...I have realized that there are so many shades of gray I will never master the perfect color...so I just stand out...red...bright...

we must always keep in mind that bullshit is a defense mechanism...the folk who are slinging bullshit are hiding something...unhappiness, fear, loneliness, anger, resentment...I have found that folks who sling shit your way in particular are trying to throw you off so you won't notice that they are trying to be you...good/bad/indifferent...to the bullshit slinger, you have something they don't, something they want...freedom? happiness?

but there is no space in the gray to analyze...that would take them into the black and white...it would mean understanding the system (any system)...but as most are living in the gray that means stretching the limitations of the gray, breaking through the walls into the world of black/white/color...most don't want to, or can't...the gray is comforting...like a warm snugly blanket...think about it, if they thought in black and white...analyzed the situation, considered the ramifications, do you think they would have done the action? I think not...the rules are in black and white...there are rules in the gray, but they are hazy...floating in the mist...always a little out of reach...it's easy to be self-serving in the gray...nobody notices...you don't stand out like the red...

being red my rules glare...I have to be careful to not have too many...the red is bright against the black/white/gray...folks don't understand the red...aren't used to it...wonder what it is, where did it come from, where will it go...never mind I have the same rules as those posted in black/white/gray...they're just red...
people don't push the red button, fuck with the red person, follow the red rules...again even though they are the same...they stand out...different...
to be ethical is to claim a color...any color...I'm red...you're blue...we stand "alone" in our colors against the gray...it's much easier to fade into gray...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

is this the answer?

last year my doc told me I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) but chose to treat them menopause it created...that didn't work...after gaining a substantial amount of weight my appointment with the endocrinologist finally came up...he went along with the diagnosis and now I'm on metformin, a drug for diabetes that they use to treat this...
I'm not one for medication...at all...however I've been on it for five days...I no longer wake up feeling like I worked out in the gym for 24 hours straight...the soreness in the morning was horrible...for the last two mornings I was able to bound out of bed, I'm almost ready to do some sit ups in the morning...even my knee is feeling better...
getting old is crazy..it's like an old car...every couple of miles something breaks or needs to be tuned up...it's all about finding the balance and I hope for once I found it...
life overall is going really well...I have a good balance...choclahontas has settled into work and taking baby to school...moodmagicbarbie almost needs her named changed...she's stable...the parents are settling into the new home, the new life...poppy is a little bummed that he's never going to get better but I try to remind him regularly that he could not be here at all...and he's made HUGE progress with all that afflict him...

on another note, sometimes me and MMB talk about relationships...she feels that at times i'm lonely...it's funny but I'm not...most times I don't even miss sex...the bullshit that goes along with relationships I just don't have the patience for...wondering if MMB, in particular, is going to give them the special attitude or loving look...I love that my room is pink and lavender...I love the accomplishment of putting something up or together...
sometimes when she's out or busy (which is rarely) I wish I had someone to watch t.v with but then I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 they won't want to watch what I'm watching anyway...or someone to go out with, but then again I haven't found someone who willingly will go to a social or a school show...SO, I'm quite happy with me and my life...
maybe when MMB is away at college I'll explore...however I find it so funny that I can play match maker with the world but have the worst taste with my own choices...I love my young boys...shit, men do it all the time...why do I have to be stuck with the old ones with drama and baggage...I'm in my prime and I want someone who's in their prime as well...
I'm 25 at heart...I'm not trying to recapture my youth cause it sucked, I love the knowledge I've acquired through the years...I love knowing and learning...but dammit I'm not ready to put on the reading glasses and orthopedic shoes and talk over coffee...no...I'm all for hiking, gym, wild nights of sex (skip that part MMB)...what do they say? I'm old enough to know better but young enough to enjoy...

I got this attitude from my mommy...at 68 she's finally ready to stop shopping in the juniors dept but I know that won't last long cause she's not ready to "age" either...
I tell poppy this all the time...it doesn't matter what the body is doing it's how the mind is feeling...

well I'm off to talk to my young flow...yummy...