...I'm sad because I thought I was a better mother...I thought I instilled love, caring, sharing and the beauty of hard work in my children...
but at some point I failed...both are self-centered...one is so miserable you'd think I exposed her to horrible things in her life, kept her in constant danger, deprived her of any form of happiness and love...the other is so self-absorbed that she does not see that her actions, and choice of folk she chooses to surround herself with, are getting her into serious trouble...her choices will get her killed, in jail, or have her child taken from her...
I gave up everything for my children...I didn't date, I didn't want to have men parade in and out of their lives...the three mistakes I've made (of which were not boyfriends) one child will never let me forget...she yells it in my face whenever she gets angry or doesn't get her way...she will scream how I exposed her to "crazies and rapists" which is so far from the truth...every job I took I calculated how much time I would be able to spend with my children, even if the job had lower wages...they always had before me...clothes, food, shoes etc...I went to school so I could give them better lives...get them out the projects...but for one that is not enough...
the other child runs...tells me "that's why I don't talk to you" when I'm trying to fix the mess she put herself in...serious life altering types of messes...
I try...I'm far from perfect...I get pissed after repeating myself...I yell...I curse...but I get so angry when I telling them the shortcut...the easy way to settle their situations with minimal damage to themselves or the family...
so one is happy to see me leave, the other locks herself in the room and is pissed that I exist...the mere sound of my voice, my breathing sets her off in a tirade where she will pull out everything in an attempt to break me, have me quiver and cower...it's like she lives to break me down...and God forbid I say something...so I yell and curse cause Lord knows if I were another kind of mother that would be an abused child...
but I love my children...but I feel like I'm always on the defense...like I have to walk on egg shells...I just can't be me...everything I say is corrected or I'm accused of being condescending...or my words are taking out of context, twisted to satisfy the self made prophecy of hatred and non-caring on my part...
sometimes I just don't want the fight...I'm tired...tired from working two jobs...tired of constantly "modeling" my behavior so my children will grow up proper...tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...
one had a vacation...I spent good money for her to sit in a hotel...I guess she had a good time, but since she's been back it's been hell...no smile, no joy, no talking...just insults after insults...she's already predicted that our new years eve is going to be miserable and trust me she is doing everything in her power to make that come true...
the other...well, what can I say...I just can't believe that she chooses to live the life she does...
I just hope and pray that life does not treat them bad and kick them in the ass too much...I'm not going to give up on my kids, I will always be there for them and do what I can for them...but shit, I would love that they acknowledge and respect me...birthdays, mothers day will go by and if I don't ask them for something neither will think to give or do anything for me...and even then, one of them has the attitude like "I don't do for people, so don't bother do for me"...oh, but let a birthday go by without gifts...shit, even when I get gifts it's never enough...but I will always do for my kids...even if it means giving up my last...
so today I'm sad...I've been sad for a long time...I hope that nothing bad happens to me or that I'm taken off this earth for my children to appreciate what they have...I'm not perfect but I try really hard to be the best I can be...that should count for something...
so I'm going to make the best of the rest of my vacation...even if folk are unhappy cause I realize that nothing I do will make them happy or make a difference so I'm just gonna do for me...
In One Week...
8 years ago
1 comment:
The fault I see, if anything... is you take your children way too personally and that's why they manipulate you. They hurt you because you let them. You'd make a good Jewish mother.
One thing I'm good at, for whatever reason, is not taking my kid's tirades to heart. I could... I'm human and I have flashes of being hurt or wanting to say something mean in retaliation. Granted he's young and his tirades are amateurish still.
But after having several conversations with your children, I realized that much of what they do is for shock value. And they know they can hurt you... it's the only power they have over you because you are one powerful, loud chick.
Stop taking it so personally. State your case. Stick to your guns. You don't need to yell, you don't need to curse and you damn sure don't need to second-guess yourself. You also need to stop giving choices, and maybe if anything you can not be quite so free with your gifts to them. Particularly the gift of freedom... especially to that little one.
As for the older one. I think her issues stem more from being adopted cross-culturally than anything else. Her issues with you remind me of several people I've met who adopted children from other countries. These kids in particular were slightly older and spoke a different language and so the adjustment to their new family, while seemingly easy at first, made for very difficult teenage years. And you're the only mother she's ever known... so it's only natural for her to take her pain and her rage out on you.
Stop making yourself a target. It doesn't mean you walk away from, or stop helping, or telling them what to do. But they can only hurt you if you let them, so stop letting them.
They are people... and like I say... you can't control what people do or say, you can only control your reaction to them...
And both of them, for the most part, are highly-functioning, extremely beautiful, intelligent and self-possessed young women... if only to the outside world. And YOU did that... So you're not a bad mother. Just a Jewish one ;).
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