Monday, March 30, 2009

66 steps...

I'm starting to climb
the stairs to heaven
to the top of the world
to the center of the universe

each step gives me a memory
how each of us
at some time
or another
has fallen down these stairs
stumbled up these stairs
some of us hurt
some of us laughing
till tears streamed down
our faces

each step brings me memories
tears of sadness
at the loss
of good friends
of how these steps
have changed
how old and dingy they now look
but comfortable
cradling your foot

33 marks the number of years
we've spent climbing
these 66 stairs
stairs to heaven
stairs to the top of the world
stairs to the center of the universe
half way there
it's been hard
but we have so much farther
to go
to reach the heavens
the top of the world
the center of the universe
it started with four
now we're numberless

as the halfway point is passed
memories of births
new friends that have climbed these stairs
for the first time
"how do you do it?"
not expecting to reach heaven
the top of the world
the center of the universe
toddlers learning to walk
up and down
smiling faces
peering through the railings
"hi nana, poppy, mommy"

animals making a break for it
running to freedom
down those 66 steps
to be stopped by the front door
just short of freedom

up and down these stairs
life has flowed
memories have been built
up with crutches
down by medics
carried in snuggles
carrying shopping carts
on shoulders
with food

almost there
sun shining
through the window
the call of home
is strong
warm arms
are ready to embrace you
good conversation
good food
good smells

I made it
to heaven
to the top of the world
the center of the universe
healing my wounds
exploding with good news
I can shout it out
at the top of the world
the center of the universe

Monday, March 2, 2009

today is a better day...

...poppy surprised himself and is feeling much better...maybe God heard my prayer and is going to make it better...I'm so hoping it's not my poppywoppy's time...I don't think it is, but I just don't want him to suffer...but if he keeps going this way he will live to 91...all he has to do is believe...

I had a beautiful snow day today...everyone handled their business and was effective...I had a full day (sans dealing with hyperactivesunshine) of peace and relaxation...I was able to crawl back in bed at noon and take a nap...oooo, that felt good...I took a relaxing bath and even though hyperactivesunshine is driving MMB crazy it's ok...kinda...he did a complete handstand and back flip on the rug...I said "hey, don't do that again", he said "ok, but that was cool huh?" he's trying to do cartwheels...I need a cheap gym...QUICKLY...
now he's feeling on MMB's butt...oh he tugs on his peepee...ALL BOY...I am so NOT a boy mommy...

I'm ready to face the world...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

allll riiiiite....

the love isn't over yet...I am woman to admit I threw a bitch fit cause we didn't go to the restaurant I envisioned, nor did the night turn out the way I wanted...I have to admit it did feel good...but I sometimes get wrapped up in the forward momentum of my anger attack and can't stop...
the sight of him standing by the door looking deflated and confused as I ranted and raved will stay with me for a while...although I got a sick sense of power I knew it was wrong and it was wrong to do this to a dude who isn't deserving...
so I apologized...he hasn't come over but we talked a lot, and cleared the air...he tells me I'm still Queen *professor*..."just accept me baby, cause I accept you for everything you're my queen..."...I'm not going to push fate...I'm not going to push and push to find his breaking point...I'm going to accept what God has given me and just flow like water...

please say a prayer for my poppy...he's not doing well and we don't know why...he told me last week he's really tired of himself...but when I pressed he said he wants to live to see ninety one...but he's not doing what he needs to do to make it...I know he's depressed...clinically depressed...but you can't treat your all I can do is love him...but he's so far into himself at this point I don't know if he notices...
as much as I love my poppywoppy, I don't know if it's fair to encourage him to stay with us if he is so unhappy and in pain...this is a man that was tall and strong and herded see him curled on the bed in pain is very hard...and hardest for bigbear who has to live with this twenty-four-seven...
I don't know folk...I just don't know...
I pray that he can be pain free...but Lord (and family please don't jump down my throat) if this is it, please take him out of his misery...poppy does not deserve to spend his last days on earth in pain...