Sunday, December 27, 2009

my email to the boss...

a few things...well, a lot of things...

first I must clear the air...I was a little peeved the other day with our professional conversation...I had to mull it over for a few days to determine exactly what annoyed me before I spoke on it...because I generally like you and the job I'm going to voice my grievances so they wont fester and become something bigger...I'm airing this so we can process, discuss, and grow from this and move on...

I am a very conscientious person...I believe in hard work and show dedication to what ever task I'm doing...if I'm given clear expectations or tasks I complete them in a timely fashion to the best of my ability...I'm not the type to cut corners, lounge around or try to get over...everything I do/say has a purpose...as a social worker, and a school social worker, I know the general job and take it seriously...I don't need a job description...job descriptions just give me the specifics to a particular environment/job (never mind the fact that I never got one in the beginning so I feel I did pretty well in the last two months)...
my first job will always be to serve the emotional and social development of children...I am totally child centered and will always put the needs of the child before any team, staff member, meeting or even myself...

also during this conversation you mentioned something along the lines of "when you walk in the room the conversation or interaction should change"...I wasn't quite sure if you were talking about the teachers or students...but honestly I don't operate like that...I never want to walk into anything/anywhere and have folks change just because I'm there, because when I leave all goes back to normal...meaning no learning/processing has occurred...I always want to see the true person...I will work with someone so they can internalize, process and make their own the changes that need to occur...

however, what I find on this job are many unclear expectations, such as finding out "major things" as I go along (which may or may not be in the job description), and being given expectations after the fact...I may not have a set schedule, or a schedule on paper, but my time is planned...I was a bit taken aback during our discussion when you handed me the job description as if I was not doing my job, or didn't know what my job entailed...I am doing my job, plus...
I will make a clear schedule when we get back, but unfortunately I have to wait and meet with others...

which leads me to another point...there are entirely too many unproductive meetings with too many "teams"...I'm finding that often one team has no idea what the other team is doing...as social worker I should be aware of it all but can't, it just takes up too much time...we need to determine what is important and condense the teams- in my view the teams should be student support, teacher training, linking school and home...have one team centering on each topic...each of the three teams will meet independently as often as needed, but the three main teams must meet once a month minimum...

out of respect for you and the office, I have not openly discussed my observations on the shortcomings of the office or school with you or anyone else...I try to go about it in a demonstrative way- I model what I want to see happen...my "free time" is spent talking with ..., ...or ..., finding out what they need, what they like/don't like about the job, mulling over what part I can play to make the job/office more efficient and effective...however I find that people need clear directives, set schedules (whether it be daily, weekly) that don't change on a whim...one person needs to be in charge of the SFS members...I've observed that sometimes our staff get directives from other offices/people...that leads to frustration...
the school and staff uncertainty is being acted out by the children, thus a contribution to the behavior issue...children are emotional mirrors...

there are many things that are working...mentoring for one...the involvement and well-meaning of the staff toward the children...the positive relationships between staff and children...the understanding that each child is different, thus needing different things to succeed...and the learning, despite test scores (which I don't even know what they are) I see learning in the classrooms...the positive interactions between staff and parents...

as for solutions, my first thought is that SST and our office need to work closer together...we need to closely support one another...it's a good way to justify our office...merging the BIP's is a very good idea, but both teams need to follow through...we need to determine who has family contact (I feel it should be us), who has teacher contact (SST) and who merges the two (you and I)...

the phone log must be set up, for our office as well as for SST...we all need to be on the same page always when it comes to parent contact...folks need to respect and follow the phone log...

SFS must work closer with the classrooms...we should have set schedules when we are in the classroom...one person a day (on a set rotating basis) can be an emergency person who can be pulled from the classroom to address crisis situations with children, as one person should be on call to address parent/staff issues...yes, I have first grade but if I'm with a kid and ...is acting up there is nothing I can do at the moment and Ms. ...now feels unsupported...I'm putting classroom observations in my schedule- one class per day (or hopefully one grade per day)...

we need, with clear expectations and schedules, to utilize the staff......and ...have expressed (through general conversation) how much they enjoy being in the classroom...the schedule can be set up so every one gets to visit a grade a day...during our class visit time, we can model effective classroom management so hopefully the teachers will send less children to our office...I have printouts on what to look for when doing a classroom observation and I/we along with the teacher training team, can develop clear classroom management techniques we can model during our visit...

which leads me to SEALS...I don't understand it in the context of school wide use (well I do, but see it's difficulties and limitations), and those I've talked to are extremely confused...it is a good curriculum, but from feedback there was not enough preparation for implementation...for us it's easy as pie, but it's such an outside concept that folks are having great difficulty in processing the information, making it their own and using it in the classroom...I found it difficult to find one thing to use without feeling like I was missing the point because I didn't include A, B, or C, which then exceeds what I'm trying to accomplish or time limitations...folks like clear expectations and to tell them to take something and make it their own is a hard concept for some to grasp without continued support...maybe one PD a month can be dedicated to the SEALS curriculum, starting with a general overview and purpose...

and lastly, extended day must correspond with the day program, it has to in order to benefit the children...I've observed the switch in children at the dismissal transition...at three fifteen when the new staff person enters the expectations immediately change...this is a extremely difficult transition for some children...I don't expect ED to be the same as the school day, based on the young relatively inexperienced staff...but being young and inexperienced they will be easier to train so we mustn't use that as an excuse...
ED makes for a very long day for our children...they are in school from 7:15 to 5:15...10 hours for a child in one environment is a very long time...most of us don't have work hours (on paper) that are that long...children who are tired display the same symptoms as those who have ADHD...they still need structure, not to be told they are "bad", and gentle but firm approach...
I talked with Ms. ...very briefly on how we can merge and better ED...one of the ideas was a nap or quiet time after snack ...I've observed that the time between 3:15 and 4, when they go to specials, the children are jumping off the walls, half the class is in the hallway or in our office, and the teachers are on the radios trying to find their charges...they do not have the same support as the school day...I try to visit the classes on weds, but the teachers do not like that at all as I feel they don't understand the purpose...I feel we also need to sit in and model effective classroom management, especially during the crucial time between 3:15 and 4...

another idea is to have all available staff in the hallways and stairs at transition time...this can be implemented until children get used to transitioning in a more effective and safe way...Vygotski stated that children learn socially before individually...we need to set clear social expectations before we can expect them to own the expectation individually...this idea also can be translated into the classroom management piece...

this is a lot for a sunday morning, but in the quiet I've been thinking about the job since we got off (I told you my mind runs 24/7)...I want to see the school succeed, but more importantly I want this to be a memorable safe experience for the children...I want it to be a place they want to come back too, sharing grades and life stories...there is work to be done, but with clear expectations, trimming the extras, and hard work we can turn it around...

I can put this information in a more formal format if needed with clearer problems/solutions...


looking forward to hearing your thoughts/feedback...you may share my email/thoughts with anyone...enjoy the rest of your vacation...

Friday, December 25, 2009

merry christmas...

I don't keep christmas...I don't knock anyone who does...but I don't see the point in running around to find gifts for folks just cause we're supposed too...I much prefer birthdays...that's your special day...a day you don't have to share...

but looking back over this year, whew, it was crazy...the year started off with poppy being sick...very sick...to him losing his leg...wow...took me some time to process that one...got choclahontas out the of the apartment...away from the hood and the possibility of her losing her freedom/life...kicked her ass out...made her move in with a guy she basically just met...not something I'm proud of and don't even advocate but I'm thankful it's worked out...

started the year with a boyfriend, but that was dead by may...but the most amazing thing to me is the fact that I walked off my job and into another...wow...I NEVER thought I would ever have the balls to do something like that...I'm not selfish at all and that was a pure selfish move and I DID IT...
I tracked down this job...got this job after being interviewed by seven people and beat out about five other candidates...wow...I really feel good...
I'm taking this moment to reflect... ...wow...

so this year...what will it bring...I'm applying for the PhD program at city university...don't know if I'll get in, but I've realized i'm smart...dont know it all, but am pretty damn smart...so TO NOT TRY IS A FAILURE...

back to the year that's ending...poppy once again has pulled through...once again is slowly muddling through life...

but wait...this is the end of a decade...bigger wow...I've accomplished so much this year...I graduated college in 2001 and grad school in 2004...I've owned two new cars, raised my children, moved two times, had two short term boyfriends (no longer than four months- I've got to change that, or change the folks I'm dealing with)...became a college professor and a licensed social worker...have five years experience under my belt...became a grandmother...and I'm still 29!!!!!!

on this christmas, I'm so thankful to have lived another year, another ten years...no gift could ever make me feel as good as I feel right now...
merry christmas to me...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

confessions...

for years I have not been true to me...I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, say what I thought folks wanted me to say, acted, dressed, and just did whatever I felt others wanted...
well at 41 I've decided to just be me...I know why I do what I do and I'm ok with it...so here goes...

I love being single...yes sometimes I'm lonely, but usually it's not for sex but for someone to ride with when no one wants to go with me...like to Florida or somewhere really wild on the spur of the moment...I'm down for taking off on friday and driving till I'm tired, getting a room and roaming the area the rest of the weekend...or someone to have a drink with...but usually I'm quite content to be by myself with me and my candles...I've yet to meet a person that is as eclectic as me and who can roll with my many sides...and I don't like folks enough to just have certain people filling certain needs...

I really love my young boys...25 is my age of choice...that's when they're still fun, full of live with minimal baggage...but I had an insight yesterday...the love of my life was killed when he was in his late twenties and I guess I've been searching for him...but I find the older guys are jaded...stuck in their ways...got babymama/ex-wife drama...ugh...I'm willing to be with a guy and let him go have babies somewhere...I'll help raise them but will have the luxury of sending them HOME...I just don't have the patience for small kids...not on an everyday basis...but shit guys can go with girls 25 years younger than them why can't I?...ok, I've given up on the thugs, they're really a waste of time but what if I find a young fine one who's SMART, has a life and shit going for him...am I supposed to turn him away cause I was 16 when he was born? lol...I crack myself up....but finding a "man" is not the number one priority in my life...

I like people, but really feel like their stupid...now I'm NOT the smartest person in the world but I know what I know...I wish I had the time to learn more but that will come...I hate having to repeat myself...I'm proud to be drama free...

I really hate my ex...he's such an ass...I only tried to make it work cause I knew that was the only way he would deal with the kids...but that didn't work and it only made me look and feel stupid...but as a person I really can't stand him...never did...even when I first met him I didn't like him but I got used to him...and once I learned his shit I figured that I already knew it and didn't want to break in another idiot...but man I can't stand him...

I love my parents to distraction...in fact they distract me from making other friends...cause my mama will ALWAYS come first...and my poppy...enough said...

I do take my sister and kids for granted...I don't tell them I love them as much as I should...well I tell my kids but not my sis...whew they all annoy the holy shit out of me but I don't know what I'd do if they weren't in my life...

I like quiet when I come home...I need some time to do me with no talking...I talk all day and although I love you I don't want to talk to you...but I do cause I know it's important...

I don't care if I have a mouse in my house cause my house is clean and eventually then will go away on their own but I HATE when they're stuck to the trap...super double UGH...I will find a random person outside to come remove that shit...now roaches...if you see one they're a thousand inside your walls...I go berserk when I see one...

I'm the perfect woman...not perfect for every man but I'm a bad bitch...I'm so over my weight (although for health and energy reasons I want to lose) it's just too tiring to keep up with it...when it gets warmer I'll walk to and from work...MMB will have to take the train...

so that's all I can think of right now...

so now I'm going to bed so I can go see my young fine ass one in the morning...I would never mess with him cause I don't shit where I eat or screw where I work but damn a girl can dream...

snow

the white softness
mutes the sounds
of the city
filling the trees
covering the ground

soft as cotton
fluffy
like a cloud
falling to earth
you can sink
into it's softness

like a security blanket
the soft surrounds you
covering the ugly
making everything look
like wonderland

the white softness
a gift from God
muting
covering
surrounding
making the world
for a moment
the most beautiful
place on earth

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

just a quickie

i talked to an old friend last night...a former boyfried of bearmaiden but one of my boys...when I was younger I only hung out with the boys...i have found girls to be so petty and phoney...
we talked about old times...the old building...the trouble we got into...the folks that past...it made me sad...i had a very strange but wonderful childhood...sometimes i feel so alone but after talking with oldfriend i realized that i do have a crew...old friends...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

a response to bearmaiden's post...

a few things...first-thanks sis for the compliments...I still sometimes doubt my writing/abilities/thoughts...but hopefully that will change as I plan to dedicated my summer to writing...to really explore and tighten up my theories...

funny thing is, as jaded as I've become, I STILL see the good in people...I refuse to give in to the theories (especially with kids) that people are fundamentally bad until they are taught to be good...
within the categories each person is still an individual, and I try to find the good in all...my child sometimes does not see it...she will ask why am I wasting my time with a certain person...but I see things-good and bad...I remain focused on the good...I will believe in the good until proven otherwise...sometimes folks become so jaded that the good is securely protected behind a wall...sometimes folks feel like they're already bad (or did a bad deed) so what's the point...they use it as an out...an excuse to continue to do wrong...and some folk feel that it will all work out in the after life...

however I say, and stand by, the fact that 95% of a developing child's issue is their parent...children are 1/3rd the mother, 1/3rd the father and 1/3 the individuality of the child...but that 1/3rd that is solely the child is a blank slate...every word, every action is a mark on that slate...those marks can be erased or written over, but the marks never fully go away...but sometimes the stamp of one parent is strong...it overshadows everything else...for good or bad, but often for bad...I can usually tell how a person is by asking about their interaction with their parents...

the big divide is the issue of black/white/gray...we live in gray...the system (any system) is in black and white...some folks are born and raised in black/white...they understand the system, but often fail at the gray...some folks are gray...born and raised...educated in the gray...live and die in the gray...I am red...I refuse to adapt to the black/white/gray...I complement the non colors with my vibrant red...always the stand out...I used to attempt to hide behind the black but I've given that up...I have realized that there are so many shades of gray I will never master the perfect color...so I just stand out...red...bright...

we must always keep in mind that bullshit is a defense mechanism...the folk who are slinging bullshit are hiding something...unhappiness, fear, loneliness, anger, resentment...I have found that folks who sling shit your way in particular are trying to throw you off so you won't notice that they are trying to be you...good/bad/indifferent...to the bullshit slinger, you have something they don't, something they want...freedom? happiness?

but there is no space in the gray to analyze...that would take them into the black and white...it would mean understanding the system (any system)...but as most are living in the gray that means stretching the limitations of the gray, breaking through the walls into the world of black/white/color...most don't want to, or can't...the gray is comforting...like a warm snugly blanket...think about it, if they thought in black and white...analyzed the situation, considered the ramifications, do you think they would have done the action? I think not...the rules are in black and white...there are rules in the gray, but they are hazy...floating in the mist...always a little out of reach...it's easy to be self-serving in the gray...nobody notices...you don't stand out like the red...

being red my rules glare...I have to be careful to not have too many...the red is bright against the black/white/gray...folks don't understand the red...aren't used to it...wonder what it is, where did it come from, where will it go...never mind I have the same rules as those posted in black/white/gray...they're just red...
people don't push the red button, fuck with the red person, follow the red rules...again even though they are the same...they stand out...different...
to be ethical is to claim a color...any color...I'm red...you're blue...we stand "alone" in our colors against the gray...it's much easier to fade into gray...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

is this the answer?

last year my doc told me I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) but chose to treat them menopause it created...that didn't work...after gaining a substantial amount of weight my appointment with the endocrinologist finally came up...he went along with the diagnosis and now I'm on metformin, a drug for diabetes that they use to treat this...
I'm not one for medication...at all...however I've been on it for five days...I no longer wake up feeling like I worked out in the gym for 24 hours straight...the soreness in the morning was horrible...for the last two mornings I was able to bound out of bed, I'm almost ready to do some sit ups in the morning...even my knee is feeling better...
getting old is crazy..it's like an old car...every couple of miles something breaks or needs to be tuned up...it's all about finding the balance and I hope for once I found it...
life overall is going really well...I have a good balance...choclahontas has settled into work and taking baby to school...moodmagicbarbie almost needs her named changed...she's stable...the parents are settling into the new home, the new life...poppy is a little bummed that he's never going to get better but I try to remind him regularly that he could not be here at all...and he's made HUGE progress with all that afflict him...

on another note, sometimes me and MMB talk about relationships...she feels that at times i'm lonely...it's funny but I'm not...most times I don't even miss sex...the bullshit that goes along with relationships I just don't have the patience for...wondering if MMB, in particular, is going to give them the special attitude or loving look...I love that my room is pink and lavender...I love the accomplishment of putting something up or together...
sometimes when she's out or busy (which is rarely) I wish I had someone to watch t.v with but then I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 they won't want to watch what I'm watching anyway...or someone to go out with, but then again I haven't found someone who willingly will go to a social or a school show...SO, I'm quite happy with me and my life...
maybe when MMB is away at college I'll explore...however I find it so funny that I can play match maker with the world but have the worst taste with my own choices...I love my young boys...shit, men do it all the time...why do I have to be stuck with the old ones with drama and baggage...I'm in my prime and I want someone who's in their prime as well...
I'm 25 at heart...I'm not trying to recapture my youth cause it sucked, I love the knowledge I've acquired through the years...I love knowing and learning...but dammit I'm not ready to put on the reading glasses and orthopedic shoes and talk over coffee...no...I'm all for hiking, gym, wild nights of sex (skip that part MMB)...what do they say? I'm old enough to know better but young enough to enjoy...

I got this attitude from my mommy...at 68 she's finally ready to stop shopping in the juniors dept but I know that won't last long cause she's not ready to "age" either...
I tell poppy this all the time...it doesn't matter what the body is doing it's how the mind is feeling...

well I'm off to talk to my young flow...yummy...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

thanks...

in the new job I'm finding myself...I'm in charge of the mentoring program...the home visit program...developing and organizing groups...seeing my kids...I love being busy and productive...
time is valuable but it's ok when you see the fruit of your labor...I never look for thank you's but when they come it's sweet...but my thanks today was seeing a boy that I work with bound into my office...he spoke briefly to his father that he hasn't seen or talked to in months last night...he wanted to know if he could call from my phone...of course...
the conversation was about 10 minutes...in the confines of my room with no worries about hurting anyones feelings he could talk freely to his dad...the sun beamed from his smile...he was walking on a cloud...that was my thanks for the day...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

greatful

to be greatful
we take for granted
to be greatful
is hard to do

but God gives us
so much
to be greatful for

when times get rough
we forget
to be greatful
when people act up
we forget
to be greatful

but it's never
as bad
as to forget
to be greatful
for what we have

Thursday, November 19, 2009

school days

twirling
swirling
smiling
fighting
screaming
jumping
bumping
crying


tears
smears
whines
lines
moving like ants
tearing of pants

hugging
slugging
pushing
smushing

childhood
school
real real
cool

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

something I can do...

I can't access facebook at work but I can access the blog...yipee...so look to hear from me almost daily cause here I can find that quiet moment...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

hello world...

for the moment I'm back...life has settled...since I really wrote last poppy lost his leg, the parents have moved closer to me and I got a new job...a lot since last February...
there is so much to sort out, so much I need to put to rest, but right now I have to deal with the cramp in my freaking calf...oooooouch....

oh but WHY is it that the guy that I can have long INTELLECTUAL conversations with and who is FINE AS HELL is 24 and my co-worker...WHHHHHYYYYYYYY...God is such a joker...sigh...oh well...I really really need to learn how to turn back the hands of time...I really DONT look or feel 41, almost 42, and this is really posing an issue for me...I need to write it on my arm like a cheat sheet...YOU ARE OLD DAMMIT leave the young ones ALONE...

new beginnings

rebirth
starting the clock
at the midway mark
every day
a new beginning
every second
rebirth
tick tick tick

babies born
elders pass
young adults
move on
new beginnings
rebirth
tick tick tick

time changes
but stands still
always the same
never the same
starting over
rebirth
tick tick tick

new jobs
new homes
new people
relationships
fresh as a baby
born
rebirth
tick tick tick

new beginnings
rebirth
tick tick tick

Sunday, October 4, 2009

fall

colors
rich reds, oranges
leaves crunching

cool mornings
jackets, sweaters
apples munching

sunday dinners
hot chocolate
marshmallows melting

thanksgiving
friends and family
food digesting

fall
colors
friends
jackets
coming together

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

tomorrow

is the first day of the rest of my life? I truly hope so...I going in for a second interview at a school...I want the job for the chance at growth, a change...I need the job for the extra money I will make...
well we'll see...tell you tomorrow...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

time

where did the time go?
yesterday the kids
were small
the parents young
I was starting on my journey
of life

where does the time go?
now I have Greys
the kids have kids
the parents
have grands
and great-grands

where did the time go?
the seasons keep changing
like clockwork
the trees are still
in the place i saw them last
not seeming to age

where does the time go?
with a blink of an eye
and a nod of the head
it's all different

I'm called Ms.
by folks
in my minds eye
I'm the same age as
children were born
when I was twenty
and now
they're twenty

where it it go?
it seems like yesterday
I ran in the park
with no aches or pains
no cares no worries

but time keeps ticking
the world keeps turning

where did the time go?
it slipped away
never to come back

but I have memories
stories
smells
an everlasting present
of time

Sunday, August 23, 2009

my vacation weekend with poppy

is extremely interesting...for one our hosts are very talky...can't really enjoy the quiet or the sound of the river...I keep getting on FB hoping they will get the hint and go away, but no...they just keep on talking...

I've gone many many places with bigbear but I've never gone away with poppy and have never gone away with poppy alone...last night we talked into the night, just he and I...I realized I am a lot like him...we just kind of plod and watch...we laughed about bigbear and choclahontas being who they are...social butterflies...and the fact that we can hid behind them in social situations...
oh but I couldn't sleep...poppy moved around and thrashed...I realized he has sleep apnea,and a pretty bad case...we will address that when we get back...I think once he gets a really good night sleep he'll feel much better...

now we are staying in a log cabin that was built over 100 years ago...from what I'm hearing poppys friends are the third owner...we are in the woods...the country...but its a neighborhood, the house are fairly close together...
but last night as poppy thrashed tossed and turned I couldn't sleep...at one point he was saying the bed was too narrow...I pushed the beds together took my blanket and went to go into the living room...I opened my door to a strange scene...I saw flickering lights and the shape of someone standing in front of the couch...at first I thought it was the host or hostess and contributed the flickering lights to perhaps them lighting the fireplace...I didn't have on my glasses but it was a man short in stature, shorter than the host...
thinking I interrupted something I closed the door, giving them a moment to regroup as I got the feeling that they were startled but when I opened the door again the figure was still there, and the lights were flickering a reddish orangish glow...I sad fuck this poppy we got to share, and laid my ass on the far side of the bed...

this morning my house guest said nothing (and if it was them they would have fussed over me) and the fireplace had not been lit...now remember we are deep in the Berkshire mountains so it's pitch dark outside and not too many cars pass by...and not at three in the morning...

Friday, August 21, 2009

sigh...

I often feel like I'm not heard, don't have anyone to share things with without being cut short, given what seems like opinionated ultimatums...I love suggestions, but if your not walking in my shoes you shouldn't give advise then shut off cause I'm not doing either or...

I'm having a really hard time with choclahontas...yes, she's almost 23 but folks she doesn't act like it...I don't care what she does in her personal life but how it affects the kid, and her lack of emotional attachment to the kid is what bothers me the most...

I'm not here to complain, and I'm not even here to ask for advise cause I do get advise but since folk don't walk in my shoes I sometimes get advice that I've tried or can't use for the particular situation and I can't take the conversations that follow...and I'm not here to justify my decision...

I've decided to turn my dining room into a bedroom for the kid...I'm tired of him climbing over things, wearing dirty clothes when I pick him up, having dirty feet from being in the house and just generally living in unsafe conditions for a three year old...

the bad thing about working with children is you see when children are distressed...I'm no great parent, I'm short on patience, will curse out the older kids and like things a certain way but when I see mine distressed I have to take action...

this kid did not ask to be born...in fact I begged and pleaded that he not be born because I knew the mindset of the parents...they were young, naive, and full of "I know already"...granted most teenagers are this way, but some step up to the plate, but when you have two people with special needs this is never good...

so my poor grandkid...she only takes him for a night maybe every two weeks or so...she ships him to me or the other grandmother..."why take him? just say no...it's her job"...yeah this is true but the difference between his emotional state when he's here and when he's there is markedly different...he came last night, upset that his dirty feet were in his shoes...upset that he had not had a bath since I dropped him off, upset that his environment was not neat, upset that he had on dirty clothes...he cried, screamed, tantrumed until well into the night...only settling down when I laid with him and he could but his head on my leg...he talked all night and ground his teeth- signs of distress...after a night or two he settles down, going to sleep on his own, not needing to sleep on top of me all night...

I told her she's acting like her mother...I needed to tell her the truth...she said I'm a bitch and that's why she doesn't tell me anything...I'm not too upset about this, most teenagers/young adults at some point either say or think this...but she doesn't seem to understand how she is impacting her kid...maybe she does...maybe her demons are shouting to loud for her to hear...I keep telling her to talk to someone...she promises to go see a therapist...but I can't lead her by the hand anymore, I can only do for the baby...I'm afraid the illness that took her mother is beginning to grow inside of her...she joked about having another baby, I told her hell no you don't take care of the one you have, I know you love him but you're not giving him what he needs...I was called a bitch and she stormed out the door...she never disrespects me otherwise and she is appreciative of what she has but she never takes it a step further...she never shows the initiative to better herself...when I talk to to her she generally stands, lets me talks until I say something she does not want to hear then she blows up and storms out leaving the kid upset, confused and angry...

I feel she needs to know the truth...I can't sugar coat it...but being the only one who has these conversation with her I'm a bitch, I don't encourage her, dont see the good...I do talk about the good...the fact that she did go to school for a semester...but how much can I say when she barely attended, didn't take any finals and failed all her classes...she screams she made an effort and I'm tearing her down because I never see the good...

I feel bad...I pushed her off on a poor unsuspecting young man...I can't carry the dead weight anymore...I will care for the baby...give him a home, stability, and consistent emotional support...I love my kid and I will never turn my back on her...but dealing with her I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a drug addict without the drugs...

believe me when I say I don't want to raise another...I looked forward for many years when I could come and go on my own time...get up early, run to the gym, read, write and just be...I hate having to not do things cause of the kid...but I guess this is my thing in life...I have to practice what I preach...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I haven't been here since june 22nd...a lot has happened...so much so that over the next few days/weeks (depending on how often I write) you'll get the whole story...
Poppy lost his leg...he has a new one...choclahontas is moving in with a boyfriend...I actually like him...he totally "gets" her...they are friends first which is majorly important...
and me...I'm still healthy as a horse...still overweight...but going to the gym and working out like a man...so I guess it's muscle so I'm not complaining...
I cut my hair...took all the perm out...and am now sporting a curly afro...and hey, I really like it...
my chocolate sunshine is going to the "big school" in september...my MMB is going to 10th grade...
I'm happy for the most part, but I'm sad...I want to live in a house...one with a porch and yard...I want to plant flowers and tomatoes and cucumbers...I want to sit on my porch with a cup of lemonade with my shoes off, enjoying a summer evening...I don't have to own the house- though most folk say thats the thing to do- I will happily rent and let someone else have the headache...I do keep my surrounding immaculate whether I own it or not...
I don't understand why more than 50% of my income goes to rent...I either need a better job or a cheaper apt and right now neither is happening...
some wish for a man, a relationship...I wish for a house with a yard...

well that's it for now...till later...but I promise it wont be two months...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Hello world...

so much has happened since I last posted...I have a new computer so I promise to write my thoughts much more often...
I've broken up with the wiseman...seems he wasn't so wise after all...poppy lost his leg and has gotten a new one...
I'm tired now but I promise to write tomorrow...

Monday, March 30, 2009

66 steps...

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
I'm starting to climb
the stairs to heaven
to the top of the world
to the center of the universe

11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20
each step gives me a memory
how each of us
at some time
or another
has fallen down these stairs
stumbled up these stairs
some of us hurt
some of us laughing
till tears streamed down
our faces

21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30
each step brings me memories
tears of sadness
at the loss
of good friends
of how these steps
have changed
how old and dingy they now look
worn
but comfortable
cradling your foot


31,32,
33 marks the number of years
we've spent climbing
these 66 stairs
stairs to heaven
stairs to the top of the world
stairs to the center of the universe
half way there
it's been hard
but we have so much farther
to go
to reach the heavens
the top of the world
the center of the universe
family
it started with four
now we're numberless
powerful
together

34,35,36,37,38,39,40
as the halfway point is passed
memories of births
new friends that have climbed these stairs
for the first time
breathless
"how do you do it?"
not expecting to reach heaven
the top of the world
the center of the universe
toddlers learning to walk
up and down
laughter
greetings
smiling faces
peering through the railings
"hi nana, poppy, mommy"

41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50
animals making a break for it
running
running to freedom
down those 66 steps
to be stopped by the front door
just short of freedom

51,52,53,54,55,56,57,58,59,60
up and down these stairs
life has flowed
memories have been built
up with crutches
down by medics
carried in snuggles
carrying shopping carts
on shoulders
with food
laundry
tumbling
running
laughing
crying
stumbling

61,62,63,64,65
almost there
sun shining
through the window
the call of home
is strong
warm arms
are ready to embrace you
good conversation
good food
good smells
love
laughter

66
I made it
to heaven
to the top of the world
the center of the universe
healing my wounds
exploding with good news
I can shout it out
at the top of the world
the center of the universe

Monday, March 2, 2009

today is a better day...

...poppy surprised himself and is feeling much better...maybe God heard my prayer and is going to make it better...I'm so hoping it's not my poppywoppy's time...I don't think it is, but I just don't want him to suffer...but if he keeps going this way he will live to 91...all he has to do is believe...

I had a beautiful snow day today...everyone handled their business and was effective...I had a full day (sans dealing with hyperactivesunshine) of peace and relaxation...I was able to crawl back in bed at noon and take a nap...oooo, that felt good...I took a relaxing bath and exfoliated...so even though hyperactivesunshine is driving MMB crazy it's ok...kinda...he did a complete handstand and back flip on the rug...I said "hey, don't do that again", he said "ok, but that was cool huh?"...now he's trying to do cartwheels...I need a cheap gym...QUICKLY...
now he's feeling on MMB's butt...oh God...radio hyperactivesunshine...as he tugs on his peepee...ALL BOY...I am so NOT a boy mommy...

I'm ready to face the world...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

allll riiiiite....

the love isn't over yet...I am woman to admit I threw a bitch fit cause we didn't go to the restaurant I envisioned, nor did the night turn out the way I wanted...I have to admit it did feel good...but I sometimes get wrapped up in the forward momentum of my anger attack and can't stop...
the sight of him standing by the door looking deflated and confused as I ranted and raved will stay with me for a while...although I got a sick sense of power I knew it was wrong and it was wrong to do this to a dude who isn't deserving...
so I apologized...he hasn't come over but we talked a lot, and cleared the air...he tells me I'm still Queen *professor*..."just accept me baby, cause I accept you for everything you are...you're my queen..."...I'm not going to push fate...I'm not going to push and push to find his breaking point...I'm going to accept what God has given me and just flow like water...

please say a prayer for my poppy...he's not doing well and we don't know why...he told me last week he's really tired of himself...but when I pressed he said he wants to live to see ninety one...but he's not doing what he needs to do to make it...I know he's depressed...clinically depressed...but you can't treat your family...so all I can do is love him...but he's so far into himself at this point I don't know if he notices...
as much as I love my poppywoppy, I don't know if it's fair to encourage him to stay with us if he is so unhappy and in pain...this is a man that was tall and strong and herded sheep...to see him curled on the bed in pain is very hard...and hardest for bigbear who has to live with this twenty-four-seven...
I don't know folk...I just don't know...
I pray that he can be pain free...but Lord (and family please don't jump down my throat) if this is it, please take him out of his misery...poppy does not deserve to spend his last days on earth in pain...

Friday, February 27, 2009

the love is over...

...I will say it's me this time...I totally admit that I look down on common folk...I worked really hard to get where I am...I'm working really hard to get to the next level...my goals this year are to pass the LCSW and start my PhD...
I can't be around folk who are satisfied with being where they are...
tonite, in a RARE occurrence, MMB spent the night out...all I wanted to do was go to a nice restaurant, have a drink and relax...I was looking forward to it all day...but NO...this idiot takes me to a ghetto fab chinese/spanish diner...where I was offered a fucking NUTCRACKER...I realized that it's never a good idea to date folk who are below you...it just is not going to work...
yes, I should have be appreciative...it's probably all he can afford...but SHIT...are you fucking serious? yes, I should accept folk for who and what they are...but I always say you can be where I am if you work the way I did...I'm not better, but I bust my ass...
anywho...I've decided that I NEED to be by myself...by the time I get thru the drama of MMB accepting folk, and dealing with that person and all they bring, I just don't have the energy for anything else...
so FUCK IT...I'm going to happily spend the rest of my life by myself...go where I want to, buy what I want to...not have to hear anybody complain or not accept, make comments or anything...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

a quick note

before I start working...

first off Kudo's to all who take nyc public mass transit...I did it all week...lugging my sunshine...I remember doing it with my kids when I was younger and had a little more energy...I can't do it...I'm counting down the hours till I get my car back...I must say I like the exercise and maybe next year when sunshine goes to another school I might take mass transit but for now...HELL NO...
I've pretty much always had a car...I hate parking, but I like going to places on my own time and most importantly I LOVE not having to deal with folks and their issues first thing in the morning...

The honeymoon phase is in it's middle stages...I'm struggling with the lab puppy...it's not that he's doing anything in particular, he's just breathing my air...literally...he's in love, I'm not...at least not as much as he is...I wonder if I'm relationship material...it's been so long...

anyway...of to work I go...talk later...I promise...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hello world..

or just blogworld anyway...
life is going so fast that I can't keep my promise to write everyday...so now I'm working on once a week...or once a month...
is the newness wearing off? is it that one's just writing thoughts/fears/anger/happiness to the world and don't know who's there reading it? are we narcissistic and only write for the comments?

anywho...life has been crazy...this time last week I was getting ready to take poppy to the hospital...he had a raging infection that ALL his doctors overlooked...we knew he had an infection, but I'll be damned if the doctors don't know more than us...so he went in, stayed for two days, got the antibiotics he needed and now he's on the road to recovery...doctors should listen to their patients and their families...I don't have a medical degree and don't pretend to know it all but I KNOW my father...so if I'm telling you he has an infection, take a blood test...

Moodmagicbarbie, who really isn't having too many magic moods anymore, is doing really well...she's grabbed a hold of herself in school and has accepted herself for the quirky rock and roll loving person she is...this makes life a lot easier...
choclahontas has started college...she also is grabbing a hold of herself and life...she has finally surrounded herself with a good and positive circle of friends and family...

and my Labrador puppy...he is a true sweetheart...he stands back and lets me be me...he puts me under no pressure and admires that I'm the backbone of this family (bearmaiden is the brain, bigbear is the skin, sunshine is the heart, the sun is the ego, choclahotas is the id, MMB is the superego, and poppy is the appendages)...he has his moments, as do we all, but I see that he strives to be a better person...there are times when I see him not being in touch with his feelings, but when I call it to his attention we talk about it...
he is a little intimidated that I make WAY more than he does, but I've told him how he can make more money...COLLEGE...he is amiable and is looking into school for september...he wants us to get married and move down south...I told him in order for that to happen he has to have a degree...incentive...
but he's cool...I can still tolerate him...tried to dump him last week but it wasn't happening...

so that's life in a nutshell...I really can't complain that much...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Hey world...

I'm not keeping my promise about writing every day...I sit and look at this blank square and then say "naw, not tonite"...
a lot has been going on...my beautiful choclahontas enrolled in college and started her first class today...this is huge...she has a full course load...I know she will do well and I know she will finish...I just wish she had some kind of financial independence...I don't know what's going to happen on march 1st when the rent is due cause no one has it...

It's almost time to search for a new name for moodmagicbarbie...she is not as moody as she used to be...this is a good thing...she is really growing up and maturing...she still berates me when we talk, and she still does not accept me for who I am, but that will change in time...I'm a little worried that at 14 she's not social...she'd much prefer to sit in her room with the door tightly shut and locked then go out with friends...but then again, I'm sure when she hits 18, 19, 20, she will be a party whore...or maybe not...I just don't want her to look back on this time and regret not having fun...also being locked in the room with your own thoughts you can develop a distorted sense of self...

I'm worried about Poppy...he is in chronic pain, he's not eating and all he wants to do is sleep...bigbear takes all the brunt cause poppy won't hear of us doing anything...I sat with him one day...asked him repeatedly if he needed juice or food...he said no...the MOMENT bigbear walked in he started telling her he was hungry and wanted juice...

I'm changing wiseman's name to Labrador...I swear he is like a freakin lab puppy that bowls you over with affection the moment you walk in the door...I do like him, he has no ulterior motive, there are no "BUTS" with him...he is proving to be who he says he is, and what he says he is...but LORD...be careful what you ask for cause you might just get it...the affection is OVERWHELMING...I have to tell him "slow down speedy Gonzalez, let me breath"...he's not Russian hands and roaming fingers or anything like that, and I do like the affection but DAMN, I'm not used to this...I can see myself with him for a while and he does make me happy but I'm still at the stage that if he were to bounce, or I saw a side I did not like or tolerate I wouldn't miss him if he left...

so that's my life in a nutshell...

Saturday, January 31, 2009

a new day...

...today is a new day...a new year...a new time...
what does it all mean...IDK...

I like the wiseman...he's cool, quiet, not at all like his street persona...but hey, who cares...MMB is still annoyed but the venom is receding..much like the quiet before the tsunami...but hopefully it wont be too bad...maybe she will see that I'm really happy...

he ended up staying over...chocolate was wheezing and I needed to put him to sleep...he was on one side and the wiseman was on the other...such love...my little one said "muma, can I lay boobiepillow?"...anywho, I passed out...MMB had a bad dream and came into my room to see the wiseman...she was angry and rightfully so, but he was on top of the covers fully dressed...I asked him why didn't he wake me so I could lock the door...he said that with the baby wheezing and his mama being known for not answering her phone he was worried that if I had to take the baby to the hospital he wanted to be there to help me...

so last night he stayed over...MMB had a 'tude but it was short lived...I do care what she thinks and feels but on the other hand this is not sexychocolate, idiot or anyone else I've messed with...I can't explain it but to say I feel this one is a keeper...he never has luck with relationships past six months, and for me it's about three...so in august when we've passed all the barriers we will think about marriage...he brought it up...he does not know bout my money, my pay, or anything that would make me say "yeah, it's for the money, or what I have"...but he tells me "where have you been all my life" and tells me I'm his "darling darling baby" (he sings that song to me)...it sounds cliche, but his mannerisms, body language and the look in his eyes are hard to fake...they appear very sincere...and you KNOW I'm looking...HARD...

I feel safe with him with MMB, partly because he's know choclahontas and has never made a move, partly cause he has seven sisters of which he is VERY close to the three from his mother and father, and partly cause all his girlfriends have been older than him...yes, he gave me the history...

so that's all I'm going to say for now...I'm just living one day, one moment at a time...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

HOMERUN...

I haven't written in a while...for anyone who might just happen to follow my boring mundane life I am sorry...
I've been on facebook, which is like mind candy...I can go on, trade barbs with folk and just not think...with the blog you must think...
I am cautiously in love...and I mean cautiously...idiot ruined love and relationships for me, but I promised that I wouldn't let him win...I was not going to become what he said I was and what I would become...
but the wiseman happened...let me tell you, he's far from perfect and I have no preconceived notions about him or his abilities, but he's like no other guy I've ever dated...
and even though MMB has pulled out her really special nastiness from the archives, and is going to test him till the day we split, she likes him...
I'm just taking it one day at a time, on moment at a time...I'm building no structures or foreseeing the future, I'm just going to enjoy the time I spend with him...

I slid on black ice last week and rearended a postal truck...the truck was fine, my car needed 2000 worth of work...the autobody was so happy to see a car they fixed it in one day...the only issue is that I wasn't prepared to have money until tuesday..

but riding the train is draining...so I'm going to sign off for now and go to bed...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Ball two...

so poppy finally had his surgery today...he hemmed and hawed and bullshitted but we were finally able to put his intestines back where they belong...he's home smoking a spliff and I'm sure eating some of bigbears good ass chicken soup...she loves her man and will take care of him to his last day...complaining, but she will do it...sometimes me and sis are like "ma, he will be fine" but that's her man and she LOVES him...

MMB found her father and got to spend time...I'm not sure if it was to spend time, watch the cute boys run up and down the basketball court or get money...or all three...anywho, my choca came over with the energizer bunny...she was in contact with little man, who likes me, but since I showed him my particularly nice side, was really attempting to not overstep his bounds...

so I cooked chicken fingers and potato salad..he called so I told him he could come over..."only because" I said "choca is here...cause I don't let folk in my house, but on the strength of her word you can come in"..."but act up and you wont leave with everything attached"...

first and foremost, brother is FINE...chocolate brown...slim but filled in...relatively well spoken...and get this...
I prepared dinner, laid out the table and we sat to eat...MMB came home, wasn't hungry but sat at the table...what a time we had...we talked, laughed, energizer bunny cracked jokes...he sat and absorb it all...not in a creepy way, but just enjoyed it...kinda like poppy...
after dinner I started clearing dishes as I like to wash right away...he got up, scraped plates and just kinda moved me out the way...he told choca that she was going to dry after he washed...now I love my child, but she is not exactly Martha Stewart and will only wash dishes cause she has too...if it's not her house she's not gonna touch a dish...
folk, he washed dishes stacked them the way I do and WIPED THE COUNTER AND AROUND THE SINK...2 points...
he rode with me to get poppy and bigbear...very easy to get along with...the best of froggy, my first love...

it's not love folk, but I'm impressed...I'm real, he seems to be real and he comes highly recommended...so we will see...oh, and he graduated high school...another point...lol...and lives on his own and never went to jail...boy, I'm on a roll here...and he asked me on a real date...I stalled him...make him wait...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

IDK....

...I was going to tell the story of how I felt my clinical director undermined me and let me down on a supervisory level but I'm not gonna do it...it's not worth it cause nothing I do or say is going to change her or her narcissistic ways...plus I got much of my bad feeling out in supervision today...
but I will say that I've come to the solution that it's time for me to move on...I think ahead so I'm planning to make a move in september...the only way I can think of staying is if wildfire goes...she's a good friend (kinda) but a horrible co-worker...she does nothing really and then she decides to do her job, but not having done her job she tends to either A. do what I don't need her to do or B. redo everything I've done already...the other issue with her is I have to backtrack and check everything she does...I don't ever want to have an issue so I will just move on...

I don't know what my next move will be...I do like to teach, but a lot of schools want a PhD, which I don't have...I really know the committee of special education stuff but to work there you have to have a masters in administration and I have a clinical masters...I'm good with people, though I really need a break from seeing the littlies...it's been five years...
I need to publish, but outside of writing my blog I really don't have time to sit and write and definitely no time for research...

on another note, I've been drinking a half glass of red wine every night for about the last week or so with my dinner...my other co-worker is first generation from Italy...she tells me that as a child she was not allowed to drink soda, but instead they would have diluted wine...growing up, she said, none of her friends grew to be alcoholics and most are in pretty good health...she herself at 46 looks damn good...I'm following her diet...
I have heard that red wine is good for your heart, and let me tell you its good for digestion...just let me say I hear stomach noises (not gas) that I haven't heard in years...since I don't like red wine and too much gives me a nasty headache, I don't ever have to worry about increasing my half cup to a bottle or two a night...

score two points for little man...he's the one that choclahontas is encouraging me to get to know...he works...held his job for the last seven years...that, for a black man, is impressive...also he has offered to take me out...yes folk, a date...a real date...he has also offered to cook me dinner (too intimate right now)...I declined the dinner but will go on the date...hey you never know, plus you have to kiss a few frogs to get to the prince...upon neighborhood check, he's never been in drama and is not known to sell drugs...now or in the past...ok, I'm still being mean but we'll see...I'm defiantly going to dinner...and no, MMB will not have the pleasure of scaring him away before I thoroughly research him...

I found free exercise classes in my neighborhood...tuesday (which I can only go to during semester break) and thursday (shit, which I can only go to until the new semester starts) and saturday morning...well at lest I can squeeze in a little exercise...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

quickly...

I'm not going to take the professor job...the salary is the same as my current job...I'd still have to hold two jobs...I want one job with the salary of the two jobs combined...

dude 1 that I spoke about is a wash out...nice, sweet, but a waste...don't have time...there is a mentality of laziness that I can't accept...you don't have to have the body of a God, but shit, take care of yourself...take pride in your health...

choclahontas is attempting to hook me up with someone...I love her but I really don't trust her taste in men...lets not tell her, and she doesn't read my blog...but I appreciate the effort...she wants her mama to be happy...
he's totally into me...has a job, don't know bout prison but I'm sure he served a bid as many black men in my neighborhood have...but I was thinking to myself...yeah I know I'm a catch and those who know me do want to be with me, but what can he bring to my table besides sex, which men seem to feel all women want and are satisfied with, and no one is getting till I have a ring on my finger and a confirmed negative AIDS test...

my charming moodmagicbarb, when I casually mentioned this to her, went into a tirade- does he have a job? did he go to college? is he a corner boy?...I laughed my ass off inside...cause when I do it to her she's gonna flip and scream and get all belligerent..."well, you better never bring him around me"...don't worry boo, I can't and wouldn't cause even if he was a college grad and had a really good job etc you'd send him crying into the night...poor me...I'll never have a man...sigh...

but things are looking up...for the first time since the summer, idiot got the child support right...

so good night...tomorrow I have to tell you about the idiot I call my clinical director...

Sunday, January 4, 2009

back to the grind...

tomorrow is back to work, back to school...
I actually accomplished a lot this vacation...I helped choclahontas clean her house and helped her work through issues...she way more relaxed and focused...
my moodmagicbarbie went to Miami and seemed to have a wonderful time...she is more relaxed also...she is ready for the second half of her freshman year in high school...
I got to relax...there were a few days were I just stayed in bed...did absolutely nothing...
I have my interview with the college tomorrow at lunchtime...I'm excited...I really hope the salary is worth it cause that's what it boils down too...money...I plan to work the two jobs for this semester, then I'm going to leave the daycare...I really feel that I've come to the end of it...it will be five years in june...it was a wonderful learning experience, but I can't grow anymore...
a new year, a new mindset...I'm ready...BRING IT ON...

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A new day, a new year...

I have to give the blog as much time as I give facebook...that's one of my promises for the new year...

everyone has gone and returned safely from their vacation trips...fuzzy came home safely from Cali tonight...

I had my sunshine for two days...MMB asked me if he is like his mother and my response was "that's why you're eight years apart"...he is perpetual motion...he never stops talking or moving...even in his sleep he twitches and moves...those synapses in his brain connecting and fine tuning themselves (that's why babies twitch more than adults...its the brain testing the circuitry)...
His mama is doing well, I'm really proud of her...with ADHD you have to tell/show them every time like it is the first time...even if it is the one hundredth time...they don't understand your anger and frustration at having to repeat yourself...but that one hundred and first time it clicks...and the lesson is there for life...and they master it...
my MMB is settling into high school and into the beautiful child that she has developed into...her mood swings have even gotten better...now we only have to deal with PMS...that's still very rough, but we're working on it...

and for me...I realized that I'm not really happy at my job...when I'm no longer happy that vacation is over I know there is an issue...I love to work...but the spark is gone...I don't want to go to work on Monday...I really don't...thank goodness we have another vaca in February and a few days off in Jan...

but I'm hanging with the night crawlers, and not being a night crawler myself I'm going to pour myself into bed...I just wanted to give equal time here...
talk tomorrow at a decent hour...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

today is a new day...

the beginning of a new year...I feel good...
I settled my difference with my girls, if not for just a moment...
there is peace in our house, in our lives...
and yes, I am a Jewish mother...lol...