Saturday, January 5, 2008

Im telling this story only once...

and I don't want to talk about it in real life...

There are questions concerning sexychocolate and whether or he lives in my house...for right now yes he does...I am almost forty years old and Gpddamn it I can do whatever I feel is best for me and my family...yes MMB has concerns/issues about it, but at the end of the day its between me and her and then between us and him...NO, I did not push choclahontas out to be with sexy, those are two totally different issues...and NO I'm not supporting him financially...

I have been single for twelve years, and in that time I only had two relationships- one for three months and the other for five...I wouldn't even really call them relationships...one was really there to babysit cause poppabear was dying and I was more than halfway through a night semester...and the other was a mutual agreement to make our ex's angry (his ex and my ex were brother and sister)...so both of those "relationships" failed...and both were over six years ago...since that time I have grown and matured...

Lets start at the beginning...sexy and I have been seeing each other for the last four months, maybe more...we have always had an attraction but I have been successful in thwarting anything in developing...when I first met sexy about seven years ago he was choclahontas "big brother" in the streets...when she was thirteen/fourteen and running the streets being "hood" he always brought her back to me, he would tell me when she cut school, and when she changed her clothes and was dressed inappropriately...he stepped in when something bad happened to her and stopped her from hustling on the block...

he always told choclahontas "your mamas sexy" and would try to take me out...at that time I knew he was young but didn't know how young (he was nineteen at the time)...I would tell him that I would never mess with him cause I don't do young boys and he would lie and tell me he was 26 (I think I was about thirty-one/two at the time)...bigbear and I always joked about locking him in the basement and making him our sexslave...when we would see him we would josh each other about how he "escaped"...but I was serious...I always told the girls that he was going to be their daddy and if I ever had another child, he was going to be my babydaddy...

fast forward...yes, hes been to jail, and yes he is not educated but everyone uses someone to fulfill a need and we fill each others need...Im not making excuses or glorifying anything but he is starting school in a few weeks and actively searching for a job...

I don't have any fantasies or delusions about him or the situation, but I do know that of all the men I've dealt with- including the idiot when I loved him- I've never had what I have now, and never felt this way about anyone...
this dude and I have a serious connection...if either of us are feeling prickly-we know...we don't even have to be together...if I'm having a day, he will call out the blue and say "ma, you ok?" when I'm stressed or having anxieties he will say "ma, what can I do to help you"...sometimes he won't ask, he will just very quietly start helping me...we argue, but always make up- even if we agree to disagree...I know that no matter what he will always come back, and if he's wrong he will apologize...he's prompt, is considerate, and we can finish each others thoughts...that's what strengthened the attraction...we think alike...

you must understand we did not want or plan for this and we have gone to great lengths to keep it "light"...we agreed to hold off on intimacies because it would really complicate the situation more...in fact we have separated for as long as two weeks with absolutely no contact...but one day I looked up and he was in my office saying "I can't do this"...we tell each other daily this is all wrong...he's concerned that he as nothing to give me...I'm concerned that I'm thirteen years older than him...and we are both concerned how the girls feel (sorry fam, I really don't care what you think)...

Do we love each other? we try not to think about it, but we can't be physically apart for too long, and its reciprocal...we can find each other without using a cell phone, and I always know when he's about to call/show up...

yes, he has a babymama, who I have talked to, and she does not want him...she admitted to me he was a pawn in a game...his heart was broken, but as long as he can see his son he's happy...

so folks, that's it in a nut shell...I don't know where it will go or how it will end...but I do know that I enjoy having someone there...someone who gives me what I need, not material possessions, but companionship...

I will always insure that MMB is not be aversely affected and I will NEVER chose a dude over my kids, but I'm happy, and actually so is she- in her doomy, gloomy sort of thirteen year old way...please trust that after almost forty years I know what I'm doing...

3 comments:

Fat Lady said...

Life is too short and it goes by too quick and there's too much bullshit to be dealt with. So I think if you find something or someone that makes you feel good and you can connect to and enjoy - then you go with it and stay with it for as long as it's good and try not to worry about the rest.

And anyone who has a problem with it probably needs to spend more time finding their own joy than worrying about where you're getting yours.

The Bear Maiden said...

Yeah, and I don't care what you do, despite what you think. But when I call for you, I want to talk to you, not him, which I told you in person. I still think, love nothwithstanding that there are boundaries to be had in life. I still think that when there are children involved no matter who you love, until the kids are OK then those boundaries need to be respected--by both people in the relationship. And even if the children are grown. When the kids are OK, then I'm OK. And the only other thing I will say is... there may be love, but keep your eyes open. And listen to your kids. Age isn't the issue... neither is life experience or education because life experiences happen regardless of what you do, and education is something that is always attainable. It's never too late to learn something new.

Other than that... go for it. Which is what I told you to begin with.

Anonymous said...

two years later I'm so upset at how blind you were. I wasn't happy. I was purely miserable.