Sunday, January 27, 2008

reflections part deux

so continuing with my last post I realized as I read and reread my post that I am totally socially awkward...I had a beautiful date with Moodmagicbarbie yesterday...we had planned to go downtown then choclahontas called with drama...whirlwind was blowing up a hurricane and she was overwhelmed...the old me would have dropped everything and run up to save her, and I admit I almost did, but at the last moment I looked at MMB, and how accepting she was of the situation and said "fuck it, lets go" (yes, I do curse...horrible habit)...I spent 70 dollars on underwear and 30 dollars on hair stuff for her...

the night before we looked at a video of MMB's first birthday...we laughed at how serious and into her own world she was...she only spoke once, while she was laying between my legs on the floor, saying "mama" and only smiled once when bearmaiden swung her up and down...her father, who was in the back room, did not make an appearance once during the whole party...(MMB came home and give choclahontas her prized jordan sneakers he brought her for school)...

as we rode the train, we reflected on us, me and how we are the same/different...I admitted to MMB that I horrible in social situations whereas she is one of the "popular" kids (though she will deny it)...I only had contact with bigbear, poppabear, and bearmaiden growing up...I never had friends, playdates, or was put in any type of social situations...it was me, the dirt, bugs and my imagination...so when we came to America (see bearmaidens blog for the complete story)and I started school at eleven, I had no idea how to interact...so I gave...myself, my stuff, but never my thoughts...I just didn't/don't think like anyone else...not even my family most times...and felt I couldn't/wouldn't be accepted on only those merits...

now, don't get it confused...that's not why I am so bighearted and kind, I'm not out to buy love, friends, etc...I've learned the difference...but I find when I'm in social situations I sometimes feel like I have nothing to offer...so I will either stay quiet, or buy somebody something...another characteristic of mine from back in the day- money really means nothing to me...once my bills are paid and I have food, I could care less...

MMB said she felt the same way, but I pointed out to her that she learned to navigate in elementary school...she learned to get along with different types of folks whereas I never had that...bearmaiden had it...she hung out with the grown ups and did a short stint in elementary school...but she could always adapt, and she protected me which was good and bad because I never learned to adapt or socialize for myself...

sexy came over yesterday to pick up an important photo album I forgot to pack...it was weird seeing him because I genuinely miss him and sometimes regret packing his stuff and putting him out (that will be another complicated post)...he's cute and fun to be with...but the most important thing is he gets me...despite all his bullshit and lack of everything, he gets me...as I stood and struggled to get the words out (I wanted us to part on the best of terms, I hate parting with misunderstandings)...he kept saying "just spit it out"...the other thing that perplexes me is that I can't use sex with him...with idiot, I could always get my way, or change the mood, or make up with sex...sexy is so not like that...I can't fall back on using that...
sex and money is like cursing...it's the easy way out of a situation...you don't have to reach for the word, or the action...

I really realized that I can assist others in being productive and getting their lives on track, but I really need to work on my social skills...I see and understand my issues and know how to fix them I just need practice...so we parted and I gave him 20.00...I don't know why... he didn't ask for it, and tried to give it back when I made a comment... I muttered to him no, it's for going to school (something poppabear would do/say)...I guess maybe in place of the words I couldn't get out...we parted in met supermarket and he gave me a big hug...whatever...I really feel he will be back- I feel him...loser or not, I like him...

which leads me to another reflection...I see folks from the inside...its weird...it doesn't matter what you look like or what you don't do or do...I see the inner light...you could be a bum on the street and the light will flash and I can almost tell you their story...I've tested myself and have been accurate more times than not...I can't call it up, it just comes to me...the words just start pouring from my lips and I don't know where the ideas come from...maybe that's why I'm a decent social worker...its harder with the kids because sometimes with them there is nothing there- its not that they don't have a light, its just empty...they are more of a challenge to me than working with grown folk...sometimes I meet grown folk who have nothing there, but that's rare...I can usually start seeing the light when they are around eight...the light goes from white to black with varying shades of blue, and once in a while I will see a brilliant yellow...so someone who is empty/sad/disturbed will have a black light (its hard to explain, but yes the light is black)...I will see only darkness...its like that with certain areas too, it doesn't matter how bright the sun is shining...its like that with the castle hill area...it doesn't matter how brightly the sun is shining its always night/dark to me in my thoughts...

so I will continue to grow socially...I will not attempt to be charming and engaging because I will not be fake and phony, but I will start to open myself more and express myself more when in social situations...I will put myself in more social situations...ugh...this will be a real challenge, but I will at least try...

3 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

Well, shit, it's about time you extend yourself a little.

LOL.

And you think more like us than you like to admit. It's a family trait. It's a sucky, lonely, trait, that independent/see through people thing, but it's there. I think we get it from Grandpa. It's why Grandma always hated his friends. But I digress.

funny you see light... I don't see a colored light, but I get those flashes too, and can see inside a person. Can't control it, either, and it doesn't happen with everyone. I do see darkness, though. And I get prickles on the back of my neck if there's a lot of darkness.

BTW, I only protected you cuz I knew how hard it was for me. Grown-ups are easier to figure out which is why I was comfortable... but kids my age? Whole other ballgame. I put up a good front, but being around people was always like wearing clothes for me... just something I put on. Not something I felt. Not till very recently.

We're more alike than you think...

professor said...

ok but remember I didn't wear clothes until I was five lol...I always felt...but never learned to camouflage...I just went into it head first...works sometimes, sometimes not...

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