Friday, January 25, 2008

a moment of reflection

I answered an ad on craigslist, something I don't do...but this guy seemed pretty genuine...we exchanged emails and photos and I gave him my number as he wanted to set up a starbucks date...I missed the call and didn't really like the message he left...something to the effect that he wanted to hear my voice and even though I said I might be busy he seemed annoyed that I didn't answer at 9:06...I told him to call around 9ish...That to me is a major turn-off...so I think his clock will tick out...

but that, and a women I heard on the radio the other morning, got me thinking...this woman wrote a book on relationships, in particular her failed relationship and her reflections on what went wrong and how she learned and grew from it (I can't remember her name- I'm horrible at remembering things sometimes)...but she said something that hit home...she said that women chose men who are unavailable and try to make them available...wow...
that made me think back on all my relationships...I have never been "wifey", a very important title in the hood...wifey is the one, who no matter what, the guy will always respect, fight for, and come back to...wifey does not always have to be babymama...even when I was with idiot, I was not wifey...I keep putting myself in position where I end up being the chick on the side- even if I live with them...that is why this time I made such a big stink with sexychocolate...I expedited the situation because I'll be damned if six months goes by and the shit blowa up in my face and in the end I nothing more than his slide...I respected it when he gave babymama the title of wifey, and no matter what he said I was going to stick by that until proven otherwise...

so the question becomes why has that type of relationship eluded me...I'm a good person, I respect folk, I do everything in my power for those I love to make and keep them happy, I have my own life and money, and am very independent...is it the guys I chose? do I give too much too soon? I don't know...
but I will say this...I am true to who I am...I will always try to better myself and learn from my past mistakes but I will always be who I am...and because of this, even though I have a long list of failed relationships I know that the guys respect me because I've never lied or changed, and I know that they took away with them something that they did not have before which is strength and the experience of pure love...maybe its not what they want because society tells them that its not the man thing to do/be...who knows...

today I got word that sexy is enrolled in my college, taking a workshop to help him pass the placement test (which he failed my one point on the math, and a few points on the writing) so he can begin college in sept...that made my heart sing...I may never speak to him again, but I sent an email telling him how proud I am of him...because that's who I am...MMB said to me "you set yourself up to be walked on", that might be true, but listen we have one life, and even if I hate your guts I will tell you how proud I am of you and encourage you when you do something good or progress in your life...

so I've decided that I am just going to live life and not worry about being someones wifey...I will continue to be who I am...I'm going to love freely and hard, I'm going to celebrate everyone's milestones with them, and I will remain faithful to me, and if I find someone who appreciates that, then whatever, and if I don't, then whatever...because at the end of the day I really love who I am, and who I've become and although some folks have taken to bashing me I realize that, as a good friend once told me, you fear what you don't understand...and because they don't understand me, they fear me, and fear translates into hostility...

as I reflect I'm satisfied with the image I see...and all is well with my world...

2 comments:

Fat Lady said...

First, I just have to say, that I admire the hell out of your ability to look at a situation, determine that it's not what you want or need, and to change it - right then and there, no hesitations.

I wish I could be like that.

Next, your compassion and kindness are something else. And you should value these things about yourself, and if others don't understand it - or fear it - or can't handle it - well that's their loss - and it's a big one. 'Cause big-hearted people are few and far between.

Lastly, I don't know if it's that women look for unavailable men and try to make them available. I mean - yeah, that is true - for men and women I think. The difference I think is that women will focus in on that man and not bother with any others, while men will gladly dog out some other woman while pining away for the one they can't get.

But, I have this theory - that a lot of people, male and female, tend to be attracted to the exact opposite of what they need. I came up with this theory while talking to Bear Maiden. I said to her that she tends to be attracted to men who challenge her when what she really needs is a man who will accept that she's the boss.

I, on the other hand, tend to be attracted to men who need to be taken care of, when what I need is a man who is strong enough to take care of me. I think if I ever find myself back out there looking again - I will force myself to run from any man who needs to be taken care of.

So what is it that you're attracted to that's the opposite of what you need?

professor said...

you hit the nail on the head...I am like you, I'm attracted to men that need to be taken care of but really need a man who can pick up the slack once in a while...that's what I loved in sexy, he was able to allow me to be boss, but when he saw I was having a hard time would step in...and yeah, once I determine something is not working why drag out the enviable? I will revisit and always leave a door open, but why beat a dead horse...