Tuesday, June 10, 2008

bitch mode day 3

maybe it's the heat...maybe I'm just tired of folk...think there is a reason why I don't have friends/boyfriend...I just don't like folk and I have very short patience for folk and their bullshit...
hypervigilantbarb got on my last fucken nerve...I'm with you until you lie to me...especially when I'm not asking for an explanations and you contact me out of the blue to tell me a lie...
to make a long stupid story short, MMB has a best friend from kindergarten that hooked up with HVB's son...that's fine, but MMB like me hates a liar...so when the two started lying, MMB's feelings got hurt...I mentioned it to HVB only because we generally talk about everything...now I'm not going into a play by play cause that's not important, however HVB jumped funny...partly cause in a round about way I let her know I caught her in a lie...I guess her conscious was fuckin with her...whatever...she said I was being childish...funny but I don't feel anyway about it...told her I was talking to her like a sister, but I see I gotta watch my mouth...

so in my book another one bites the dust...and personally I could really care less...I have to watch myself because I always seem to get into relationships that are not reciprocal...I end up giving so much and getting back nothing...I have to introspect to see what need I'm trying to fulfill in myself...

I ask myself as it concerns being in a relationship with a dude..."if I were to become incapacitated or a quadriplegic would he stick around? would the love be that deep? and if he were to become incapacitated or a quadriplegic, would I stick around?" so far the answer has been no on all accounts (expect for the idiot...I would have wiped his ass and chin, but we see that the feeling was not reciprocated)...

when it comes to friendships the question I ask myself is "is this friend gonna be a person I call when I'm in trouble? will this person be there for me in the way I will be there for them?" for the most part yeah...but when you start lying I start examining our relationship, and past incidences...I have given more than I've received?

Every friend fills a certain need...it's rare that you find a friend that fulfills everything...I have girls I call when I want to hang out, I have friends who I chill with and drink wine, I have friends who I go to the pow wows with, I have friends that I don't see, but who I communicate with via email or text...HVB is the latter...but my friends can mingle, and I do like to put them together once in a while...but I think I put more stock in my friendship with HVB than whats there...as I review I realize that though we talk, I don't "mix" with her other friends or even her family...she will have functions and for no apparent reason not invite me or mine..

I am a very self contained person, as is bearmaiden...I don't need a gaggle of friends or even a boyfriend to feel complete or happy...you must understand I was not socialized "normally"...it was me, bearmaiden and the parents on a beach in the backwoods of Jamaica (read all about in in bearmaidens blog)...bearmaiden had some school experience, but I never had that...I only had contact with my family...I did not go to school until I was 11 (when we returned to the US), and then I was skipped a grade...so imagine, I was smaller, younger, and had a "funny" accent...no one was banging down doors to be my friend...so I over compensated...I gave...I gave my possessions, my body, my thoughts to be liked...
I once had a friend say "you fear what you don't understand" and that totally applies to me...folks didn't understand me and they fear me...fear translates into hostility...so folk are often mean to me...when I was younger they tormented me...

I'm very friendly, I will talk to everyone, and do let folk in, but once you fuck up (and I give lots of chances for folk to redeem themselves) I'm out...I just don't have time for the drama and bullshit...

so I won't contact her, and if she does not contact me it's her loss...I always make the first step, always "make nice"...but not this time I know my worth and if folks wanna throw that away over bullshit, then fuck them...

cause at the end of the day only I make my happiness...only I make my world go round...and I'm quite content thank you very much...

3 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

I think it's the heat cuz I think you're more annoyed about this than you would be normally. Cuz it's not like you really go out of your way to include HVB on ordinary family stuff, either... and it's not like she's your ride or die.

People come and go... even girlfreinds. I kind think it of it like planets... we're all in the same solar system and sometimes we spin and orbit about the same time... sometimes for great lengths of time. And sometimes our paths don't cross for centuries. And sometimes when we do cross it fucks up everybody's atmosphere and the tides go crazy and moods swing, and sometimes it brings out the best in everyone.

I'm quite sure you'll come into orbit with her sometime soon... cuz you all have always been like that.

Also, sometimes when people rub you wrong the way it has nothing to do with you, or fear or hostility it at all. It could simply be that they are walking with their own shit at the moment, and just not handling things well.

People have rubbed me the wrong way at times and then I find out they have cancer or just broke up with a loved one or something... so when something comes out of left field like that it's best to just let it ride...

Sometimes it's you... sometimes it's not you at all.

sista gp said...

Hope day 4 goes much better for you.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

im your friend, i mean a brother does count as a friend dont we