Monday, February 18, 2008

the theory of "bone and disown"...the women's prespective

I will start with my experience and move on to my hypothesis of this phenomenon...
I am making a really long story short, I'm basically giving you an overview...I am also not addressing when women "bone and disown" because they do it too...this gentleman is the end result of your behavior and how it affects women and why they become angry and distrustful...

there was this dude in my neighborhood that always tried to holler at me...I really paid him no attention because he was a "playa"...years went by and I had a serious accident...I was feeling particularly ugly due to the cast from toe to upper thigh and the shaved section of my head that sported nine stitches...this person saw me in my weak state and pounced...made me feel beautiful..."don't worry about the cast and the scars, you're beautiful...lets fuck"...but when the casts came off the drama began...me having low self esteem, and being lonely, went along...also being so wrapped up in the psychological and physical healing of me and choclahontas that I didn't pay attention to the little/big glaring signs in the beginning that signified that all was NOT as it seemed...

for starters, I only went to his house a few invited times...I was told that I didn't need to call the house cause "you know, I'm never there..." so I beeped him when I wanted to talk, but didn't always get a response "oh, sorry babe, I didn't get the beep"...the weekends when all was quiet "I had to run errands for my mother"...when do I get to meet your mother? "well...excuse, excuse, excuse, blah blah blah"...

I found out a few months later he had a newborn daughter...I knew about the first daughter..."oh, babymama has no where to go so shes staying with me with the baby...but I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would see it another way and not believe we are not together...blah blah blah"...
so many nasty phone calls from babymama and a smashed windshield later I get "please don't leave...I love you, I created this monster and I have to put it too rest...just give me time and stay by my side"...so I did...and began to raise the two girls along with my choclahontas...
when babymama told me she was pregnant again, he swore it wasn't his, even when the baby was named for him. ("I don't want to look bad to my family...you understand right? look, I'm with you...I live with you")..after time I was raising all three...but I was never accepted by the family...never acknowledged as the "wife"...legal marriage was out of the question...
so time went on...we were a happy family...but once in a while, I would get the phone call "your fucking my man" or "I'm fucking your man"...I would address it in the beginning and always got "reassured"..."she just wants me" "folks are jealous because they want to be in your position" "your special to be living with me"...
so life went on...but he was never home on the weekends...we never went out...we never went to family functions together, his or mine...but I always had the kids, and having the kids I didn't have time to pay attention...it got to the point where I knew if he wasn't "home" by ten he wasn't coming...his family covered for him...my beeps went unanswered...

when I did see him I was angry...angry to be left in the house with the kids (I was pregnant with MMB by this point and cared for choclahontas, his three biological, the sibling of two bio's, a niece and a cousin) I was left to do laundry, cook, clean and everything else by myself...I was fat, didn't have time to do hair, eyebrows and wore sweats and tee-shirts...I was ugly...and he made me feel ugly...I never got a thank you, or even acknowledgment for being the caretaker of his children and taking care of the house...
so when he came home I was angry...nagging...whining...trying to get my non-verbal, non-confrontational self together to express all that had built up over the days/weeks/months...I knew I only had a few minutes to say the important stuff because after the shower he was out...I resented that he was out living a life...spending his money and mine on dates with women, expensive clothes and shoes..."you see, that's why I don't want to be around your ass"...once in a while we would go out, but I would be dumped off early, I rarely got a new outfit and when I did, when he "thought" of me it was jeans that didn't fit, twenty dollar converse and a boy tee-shirt..."I gotta meet my man John, Dick, Harry"..."just go out then" he would reply when I asked for a date...that sounds good boo, but who's gonna watch the kids? "choclahontas" uh, she's nine with ADHD...she can't focus on herself, much less younger kids and a newborn...

the phone calls continued...notes fell out of his pockets when I washed the five giant garbage bags of clothes with the kids and a newborn by myself...but I was crazy...didn't know what I was talking about...they just want me...

I figured that by being a virtuous women and loving unconditionally the relationship would grow...he would grow...if I gave him space to sow his wild oats he would come through the other side and see and appreciate what he had...
hindsight is twenty/twenty...you have to realize that due to his family/friends covering for him I found out a lot of stuff later...

the breaking point came when I found out he had a son exactly eleven months to the day younger than MMB...found out quite by accident when the baby was three months old...seems he had a family, lived there with keys and clothes...both women never knowing the difference...I packed his shit...dropped it on the curb in front of his sisters building and have been rebuilding my life ever since...the last thirteen years...
yes, we went back and forth, even getting back together once in while...but it never lasted more than a few months...I was reminded of why I left him in the first place...the calls taken in bathroom...the nights of not coming home "I stayed with my sister"...even if he was telling the truth he had no credibility...finding out he actually moved in with the third one...

As long as his "secret" has been out I've never known him to be in less than three relationships at one time...the women don't know the difference...they believe he is "busy" with basketball, his kids, teaching etc...even when he was with me, I found out later that he always had two or more "women"...each of us believing we are the only ones...he has six biological kids with five babymamas that we know of...

this life has proven hard for his other children, especially the girls...they were encouraged to lie, to their mother (with some of whom he was still fucking to keep in "pocket" to avoid having to pay child support), each other, the other women...his issue with me confronting/addressing/not letting go of his bullshit and demanding an apology has resulted in him not being there for my girls...he couldn't buy their silence...the girls are now in their teens and they are a wreak...they have issues with sex/boys/relationships, they are searching for love and have found themselves in exactly the same position as daddy's girlfriends...the boys are him reincarnated...one son was recently on house arrest for videotaping a girl giving him a blowjob on his cell phone and sharing the video with friends...he's fourteen...

I once asked him why does he have sex with so many women...his reply "I guess I just love women"...I said how is that possible when every women you've been with you have destroyed emotionally? and it's not like he didn't have good women...the lucky ones, and I count myself as one, went on to have productive lives..but I admit I have serious issues with men...I'm not jealous or possessive, but as in the incident with sexy, have major issues when I'm dismissed, not acknowledged and lied too...I have not spoken to "idiot" in over a year...we have gone as long as two years without saying a word to each other...

It is my hypothesis that men who "bone and disown" in fact don't love women...yes, they love their mamas, grandma, sisters and aunts...but they have a fundamental hatred for women...they lie to cover their own inadequacies...most men who "bone and disown" are in the end poor lovers...they never cultivate the relationship and give of themselves...they never learn their partners bodies...enjoying every inch...forepay? out of the question...they have to hold back...can't spend too much time on one because they're so many other fish in the ocean...fear that they might call out the wrong name in the heat of the moment...so they fuck each and every chick to prove to themselves that they are good lovers, or maybe that they are not gay...they pine for real love, but never put in what is required to earn real love...they leave in their wake a stream of women who look at them with hatred and distrust...but as one dude told me "you see, all you black women are the same...always putting a brother down" um, I wonder why...

I could go back to slavery, to the civil rights movement when black men were fighting for freedom and equality in the streets but couldn't be seen in their own home for fear that their presence would make their mama/wife/kids lose the much needed benefits...they were made to feel worthless in their own homes...we could talk about generations of men who are never taught to stand up and be a man, and care and love for the women around him...we could take about the "me" generation...instant self-satisfaction and gratification...the "plastic and untouchable" women...but why? I say that's taking the responsibility away from the individual...it can be used as an excuse, a crutch...

men, you say you want a relationship? you want love? that means saying "babe, where I am weak, you are strong, and where you fall, I will be there to pick you up and carry you on my shoulders...I love every inch, curve and fold of your body because I know that you love every inch, curve and fold of mine"...the test for me is I ask myself if I was in a terrible accident again and couldn't walk, would this brother remain by my side? because I know I would remain by his...
but I'm beginning to believe, as bearmaiden says, it all boils down to "the dick" and great sex...if this is true great sex only comes with knowing...knowing that you can give your heart and it won't get broken, knowing that when you argue, it will be resolved even if you agree to disagree, knowing that at the end of the day she will be there when you open the door...but when you "bone and disown" you will NEVER know...NEVER know true love...NEVER know or find your soul mate...cause when you get greedy you end up with NOTHING!!!!!

5 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL. I told you over the phone that this is one of those posts that folks will think about for a while, but may never comment on. Your situation was extreme... though while it was happening I saw part of it but I didn't realize it was that bad.

But the end is true... it all boils down to the dick and the ironic part is, that sex gets better with time and understanding... because the more we trust, the more we give. It's sad that a lot of men won't take the time to figure that out.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

Well great post, i have never had any complaints about the dick, maybe to much, or im not around when they wanted it. But when i was single, yep, 5,6,7 maybe 8 women at a time. But when I was with my woman or wife, never cheated or stepped out, I was tempted, but karma is foul

BONE AND DISOWN, WHERE U GET THAT LOL

professor said...

not saying it's you or all men, but this is the extreme end result when one gets too cocky (pun intended) and comfortable in their behavior...when one ultimately ends up in a relationship ones behavior can easily continue...I view it as an addiction...
when *you* were single, I'm sure many of your lady friends did not view the "relationship" as "casual"...did they feel they were the only one? why do you think your lady friend harbored feeling for so many years...
if given the choice, some women will make the choice to continue to hang out...but it has been my experience (not only personal) that we are NOT given the choice and are lied to so to remain "in pocket"...again, to cover inadequacies and fear of failure...
I am not by any stretch of the imagination an "angry black women"...I just love to point out the other side...don't take it as a personal attack...
"bone and disown" will be used for years to come...(pun intended)...

Blah Blah Blah said...

...I've never been in your situation...but damn if I don't hurt for the experience you went through...odd that.

I am glad that you have rebuilt your life to be what it needs to be for you to live day in and day out. I also hope that past experience doesn't cloud your vision when a good man steps to the plate...if he has not already.

Thanks for the post.

professor said...

haven't found the one yet, however God has blessed me with the ability to separate issues...I admit I am more vigilant than I was before but I take each person as they come...I know what I want and expect and when I smell the bullshit I step off before it escalates...