Thursday, August 30, 2007

the love is over

choclahontas is really being difficult...Bearmaiden says to put her out...yeah that would be great, but she has no job, no money and no where to go...and since (she reminds me often)she pays the rent here and on time, she really doesn't have to go anywhere or listen to what I have to say...

She is not dealing with tunner at all...she let pita take him everyday from 9 or 11 to 4...he gets him two overnights a week...I'm not opposed to pita taking the baby, but when tunner comes home, she is either not around or she will come home, give him a bath and then leave the house before hes asleep "I'm out"..."where are you going?" "out" "no, get back here and put your child to sleep"...that, most nights, disintegrates into him screaming hysterically and her getting agitated and saying "you want powpow? stop it" as she has the tv the morning she wont get up till around 10 till tunner is walking in circles saying "cmine, woofa, cmine mama woofa"...or he will just go downstairs and try to go in the fridge...

I generally go to sleep before anyone, so tunner is put in my, he wont sleep in her room, he wakes up and gets in my bed.
So tonight, she actually picked him up from his father, and came home...I thought she gave him a bath, so when she wanted to walk her friend to the train, I said sure...tunner and I read, then he pulled on his pamper and said "doodoo, peepee"...I touched his pamper and realized that he hadn't been changed in hours...I put him in the tub and fell asleep putting him to sleep...choclahontas came in but I didn't know it...

She cleaned her room by stuffing things in her closet...her clothes haven't been washed in going on two to three months, and she hasn't emptied her bag from the pow wow...

she told me she's going out...I told her no, she couldn't go out because she came in at five this morning...she told me I'm annoying her, and nagging her and since she pays rent I can't tell her what to do...I said yeah well you're a mother and I'm not watching your kid, I'm putting him in your bed...she said she doesn't care...I told her she has been avoiding tunner, and not spending quality time with him...her response was that is her problem and I need to leave her the fuck alone...I told her not to go out, but she slammed out the house anyway...I'm sure she wont be back until five or six in the morning, where she will sleep through tunners breakfast, and then get up to ship him to his father.

yes, putting her out would be great, but I would have to find an apartment and pay for it...she didn't register for school, she's not looking for a job, and when she does want a job, she tries to apply for something she is so not qualified for.
She does NOTHING...I can't even get her to clean up tunners highchair when he finishs eating, or throwing out his shitty diapers...she has TWO cellphones, but basically has run out of money cause she spent it on pita...

I told her today, if her ADHD is that bad she has three choices...
1.get medication 2.develop aids to help her get through the day or 3. get the fuck out, to which she replied "I don't have to, I pay rent".

Moodmagicbarb is her infinite wisdom asked me "well, since you let choclahontas talk to you crazy and she doesn't do anything around the house, why should I be respectful and do things?" I told her well, she's 20, and what she is doing is not right, and please don't act like her it really stressed me far so good...

So bearmaiden, if your advice is putting her out, shes coming to live with you...but I'm sure you will have to come and pack her shit, and I'm sure you will be stuck with the baby regularly...I'm sure you can do a better job of handling her than me because I'm done...


The Bear Maiden said...

Coupla things:
1.) just because she pays rent doesn't give her the right to do nothing. You pay rent, too... when your landlady pisses you off, you still have to do what she wants don't you? Or get the fuck out. AND still pay her rent. THat's why it's called RENT and not OWNERSHIP.

2.) If you put her out, she's NOT coming to live with me unless she abides by my rules... even if she DOES pay half my rent cuz it's still my house and I'm not going for it. Which is why, in a million years, she would never live with me and was awful hesitant when I suggested coming to Florida with me. Cuz I made it clear her ass would be in school being productive and Tunner would be in daycare. "Daycare!" she shrieked. "I don't want him in daycare". "Well, the deal is, you go to school, and I work, so that means he'll be in daycare". Which is why her ass showed no real interest in moving to Florida with me.

3.) If you want her out bad enough... you're extremely resourceful, have EXCELLENT credit and a car you paid for in full. You manage your money better than ANYBODY I know, including my accountant/payroll-vp friend who has a DEGREE in accounting. I make more than you with higher bills and less walking around cash on my person than you do, on any given day. So if you wanted her out, I trust you'd be able to pay the rent without her.

4.) Her not spending time with her child is her problem. She's right. Him spending more time with his father is her problem... not yours, as much as you love Tunner. He's not your baby and you don't want anymore. She's not in school, she hasn't registered and she won't until life kicks her in the teeth.

Put her out. Give her a deadline, hustle yourself like you know you can, and stick to it. She's a smart, resourceful young woman, and ultimate a great mother. Just lazy, scared, overwhelmed and taking advantage. But we all hit that stage... and we all grow up somehow. And generally, our kids grow up fine. And if they don't, therapy is a wonderful thing (which is why people like you will always have jobs.)

Put her out.

She'll be mad at you and won't speak to you for a few years... will probably barely speak to me or Bigbear and you'll be worried sick about Tunner but they will all survive.

It's time for her to go.

Cuz if you don't, you'll be dealing with Far Worse with MMB, 'cuz THAT one is the scary one.

Love you!

The Bear Maiden said...

And PS cuz you asked and I'm thinking about it... why would *I* have to come pack her shit? Wouldn't that be enabling, helping? Isn't the point that it's high time she handle her own shit? Nobody packed my shit when I had to get away from Crazy Husband. Nobody had ANY sympathy helping me get out of my own shit. You say you're tired of thinking FOR her. So stop. The fact that she has no job or money is her problem... NOT YOURS. You have freinds all through HS and up into adulthood who lived a hardknock life. They all made it. So will she. Release control and let her live her own life, make her own disasters... and recover from them. Because she will. You taught her how, so have some faith in that. But only YOU have the power to stop the madness. And if you don't, it will continue.

Power and Control. You taught me that.

Fat Lady said...

Whether you put her out or not, I think you have to stop doing for her. And that means not doing for Tunner, too. I know that would kill me, so I don't know how I can suggest if for you - but there it is. As long as she can count on you to make sure things are taken care of, including her child, she's going to keep on counting on you and doing just what she pleases.

Now, I don't know if there's any validity in this, but I have to share with you that with both of my kids I went through a kind of depression that was WAY post-partum. I was fine at 3 months and 6 months after the baby was born, but a year to 18 months down the line is when things seem to fall apart for me. And it LAAASSSSSTTTTTSSS. I mean it goes on for a year or more.

There is this sense of being trapped, closed in, I get all claustrophobic and I want to run away. And just taking care of basic household shit becomes impossible for me. I keep on keeping on because I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. If I fall apart and go running off to party or just get away, no one is going to do my work, get my paycheck, pay the bills, take care of my kids. If I don't keep a roof over their heads and take care of them, no one else will.

But if I was 20 years old and living with someone I knew would take care of it all - hell yeah, I'd run!! At least for a few hours at night.

The fact that, that little man is happier sleeping in your bed, is so well cared for by you is allowing her to give into the impulses and maybe even depression that is turning her around right now. If she knew that he had no one BUT her, she'd pull herself together. She's smart and creative and vibrant and caring and she LOVES that baby boy - but she doesn't have any real sense of responsibility towards him because she knows he's fine without her. She needs to see how much he needs her - and maybe she can only see that if she's out there making her own way for him and her.

I hate to say put her out, but she's got to make a change and if she won't do it on her own, I think you have to put her in a position where she doesn't have a choice. For her sake, and for her son's.