wow I haven't written in a year....so so much has happened....where do I begin....first what I thought would never ever happen has happened...I got back with my babydaddy....moodmagicbarbie graduated high school and is in college....choclahontas is choclahontas and my chocolate sunshine lives with me....my parents are good as is my sister.... I know work with the department of education and am a special education high school teacher...I am back in school for a second masters.... so much has changed i will have to fill in details later...but im going to make an attempt to write every day-even if its one sentence...cause like my poppy says "at the end of the year you have 365 pages and that's a book" till tomorrow....

good bye 2010

my last post of the year...
what a year, what a decade...i graduated college and grad school...poppy got sick...almost died twice and lost his leg...but he's here...my grandson was born...my mom is still my ride or die...i've moved three times...choclahontas has moved out and is living her own life and has survived her early twenties by the grace of god...MMB has grown and is now a wonderful and smart 16 year old...love has escaped me but i'm completely over the idiot...however i did find happiness, if even for a moment and i will cherish that till the day i die...i've remained healthy and have lost weight...my sister has had some major ups and downs but remains on her feet...
i look forward to the new year and the new decade...i wonder what the creator is going to send my way...
have a happy new year for those out there...i hope the year brings all joy and happiness, wealth and health, peace and compassion...
till next year...

yeah so I'm walking away...i can't and won't change folks minds...i know why he does what he does...and yes the physical connection is an issue, more for him than me...but it's all good...he is a step closer to the complete package...but honestly i promise im not doing this shit again...i just can't...and won't...
i knew it was done when i insulted him...it gets to a point where you want to lash out...i don't like that point...cause then i want to explain and apologize...then i dig a deeper hole and start acting out of character...i become whiney and naggy and that's not me...idiot got me to that point...i hated it but i so wanted to explain myself but he didn't care...i find that folks then hold on to that and miss the bigger picture...
so i walk...i loved hard, enjoyed myself, will love my memories, but it's put in a box and up on a shelf...next...

i can't deal with my sisters situation...i just can't...but im there for her so i have to buck up and face it...cause that's what sisters do...sigh...

but overall my life is good and im happy...i will always look on the bright side...i will not let the negative suck me under....there is so much negative in the world i will not contribute to the madness...

it snowed...it was absolutely beautiful...the world was white and silent...makes me long for the country...i really want to see vermont in the winter...i know it's harsh but i want to experience it...

so that's it for the day...i have no great thoughts or reflections...im just living and am glad i woke up this morning...

omg omg...

...life is so full of ups and downs, ins and outs..,
i had two really good conversations with the bear...i love him...and im gonna love him...even if we don't ever have a relationship...he gave me great things...he made me see things about myself...and the time we spent was something ive always wanted and totally enjoyed...i will cherish our time together with no sad, bitter, or angry feelings...it wasn't lust, but true love...i'm so blessed to have had this at least once in my life...
i can't and won't speak for him but i believe that despite what he says there is a twinkle in his heart as well...i just hope fear doesn't hold him back...cause i know i can, and will, give him the pure joy he gives me...but if it's not to be then it's ok...cause the memory will live with me forever...and i'm ok with that...
it's funny, i'm not sad...really...my heart is full of joy and happiness...regardless of what happens...except for the first day i really haven't cried...i just celebrate the time we shared...the pure beauty of it...

love is a funny thing...it can be something that passes in a flash...it can be long lasting...but i feel love is based on trust and friendship...being there...sharing commonalities...the first person you call when____________...you fill in the blank...it's not about sex, or lust, that comes later...but feeling true comfort and peace when you are in the presence of that person...sometimes you feel is for your best friend or your partner...but it's for us to open our heart...once love is established, the passion will follow...

my sister is having one of the worst times in life she's ever had...i feel for her but there is absolutely nothing i can do to help make her situation better...but i know in my heart the creator will come through in the 24th hour...he didn't bring us this far to have us fail or fall...

my life is bipolar

one day im happy, next day im sad...the common thread however is anger...
im very amenable and generally go with the flow but i realize i hate when folks make a decision for me without consulting me and impose that decision...
bear is not the end all and be all...he has a lot of issues...issues that i questioned i could live with...but we both wanted the same things, liked the same things, and seemed to have a genuine connection...but he made a decision that he didn't have a spark...so what about me...guess that didn't fit into the equation...
i don't like being rejected, mostly because even when i have to reject someone i never do it to hurt their feelings, or put them down, or make then question themselves...

but it's funny what folks say they want, and what they actually want...i really hate when folks contradict themselves...but im not one to skew things to make me look good or like the victim, even on a blog that no one reads...
bear said he wanted love, companionship, a strong smart woman...he did tell me early on that he didn't feel "that way" about me...but as time went on that seemed to change...then he told me sorry I don't feel "that way" and never will...but what pisses me off was prior to that he was telling me otherwise...verbally and by his actions...
he told me to open...be me...he would be there...well that shit was a lie...thank god we didn't consummate the relationship cause i think i would totally go off on him...
but i hate liars...and once i see you are lying i really have short patience for you...but most of all i hate to be rejected, especially when i was being the best me possible while retaining me...i didn't become what he wanted, or what i thought he wanted...i stayed me...
but that's my issue not with bear, but with myself and the creator...

im mostly mad at the creator for having love and companionship pass me by...im in my forties and i don't think i will find love...true love...by this point folks have kids, baggage, issues...they have learned and perfected game playing, lying and manipulation to get what they want...i will have no parts of it...
but all i wanted in life was what my parents had...48 years of someone you could be your true self with...someone who would stand in your corner no matter how bad you acted...someone who you trust with your life...cause i know i would give that person that plus more...
but the creator had other plans...he made sure my kids grew up without a father...that i struggled alone financially and emotionally...that i faced each day or problem alone...fending for myself...

i don't think i deserve this shit...im a good person...no matter what i give my best to each person i meet and deal with...i believe when no one else does...i try my hardest to be the best person possible for me and my girls...but apparently that didn't win any points with the creator...
cause here i am...dumped...again...not good enough...

so life moves on...i will dwell, aspire, and continue to be the best me possible...i will continue to grow and achieve but i will tell you this...i was happy being by myself...i can't take the stress of the emotional roller coaster of relationships...so i happily will sit on the rock and sun myself by myself...this way i don't have to deal with this bullshit...

is happy...

im glad i decided to fight for love...sometimes i pretend to like folk, or love folk but what i felt this last time was nothing i ever felt before...it was confusing, strange, comforting, peaceful...
i decided that i was going to love...regardless...im not saying it's all peaches and cream but our last few times together makes me happy that i fought for love...but this fight is not about win or lose, but about acknowledging a feeling that is undeniable...
i'm not foretelling the future, im just going to live one day at a time...and hopefully i will look up and ten years would have past...
but today i love the belly laughs, the songs, the movies, the peace when we are together, the stories, the knowledge, the flow of energy, the knowing what the other is feeling...im not going to worry about tomorrow...

arrrgh....

i wish folks were like me...when im mad i yell curse...i get it all out so folks can respond...we can figure it out together...but when it's over, it's over...im done...i hate having the same argument over and over again...if we keep talking bout the same shit that means 1. we're not right for each 2.the communication is really not good 3.it's time to move on...
im too old to be trying to change folks mind to see my point...even if i am right...smh...

so im moving on...i like bear but i think he's right...there is no spark...i like him for what i like him for but i need touch and cuddles...shit i've been with guys who are into me and i can tell the difference...it sucks that he didn't give it a chance but hey, the creator sent him into my life i trust that the creator will send in someone just as special if not waaaaay better...the bear was a dress rehearsal for better things to come...

but as he did nothing terrible...well, he showed his natural ass as did i, but in the grand scheme of things it was very mild...i will remain his friend...we all need good friends in this cold ass world...

so that ends that chapter...

next...

a few months ago i turned down a job due to the poor pay...they called me this week to offer me a higher position paying waaaay more money...i actually like the organization but couldn't stomach the pay...so im actually hoping this works out...and im still considering getting a second masters in special education...i know so much about special needs children...

as far as my love life...i have one boyfriend a year...ugh...it takes me months to recover and realize that all men arn't asshole...sigh...but they are...sigh again...anywho...glad that's out of the way...next time i think ima stick to my first mindset which is NO MEN...NO RELATIONSHIPS...i'm really happy when im by myself...no drama, no emotions, no bullshit...

ahhhhhhh...back to peace and doing me...

hey blog

life is moving...i'm so confused by the bear, his actions, my feelings that i'm just going to let it flow...it will either empty into a pond where it will be stagnant or into the ocean, full of life, adventure, ups and downs...

sometimes i feel things...things that i know are not me...i act out these feelings wondering why in the hell im doing this...but it's not me...i become a vehicle for others...allowing them to express/act in ways that they are afraid to, unable to, or just not conscious of...

this is why i make a hella therapist

but in my personal life its hard...this is a gift from the creator...not something i chose, or like or most times want to deal with...

with the idiot i KNEW it wasn't me...but he would tell me "that's you with that shit", "you're being dramatic" or "you are imaging things"...but i was right...down to the minute...so now im hyper vigilant...the struggle then becomes am i feeling this because im digging? thinking too hard? or is this really it...

like my sister said, i see the red elephant and i can't understand why no one else see's it...smh...but being a therapist i know i can't make anyone see it...they have to see and acknowledge it on their own...

so if im so great why is my life not the best ever you might ask...the answer is because i need that person who sees my red elephant...i see him but don't always acknowledge...that folks is the dialectic of life...we need others...we can't do this alone...no matter how much we think we can...

bear saw my red elephant...i really appreciate the things he showed me...talked about...make me look at myself and my interactions...how my need and want to care hampered the people i was trying to care for...

so it's ok if we don't work...trust he was not perfect...however i cherish the lessons and time...i just find it odd that i won't let go without a fight...usually i just walk away...turn off the faucet and keep it moving...but for some reason i feel like this is something i don't wanna let go of...
its not cause im getting older, or im lonely, or i feel this is my last gas...cause none of these things are true...i can't explain it...its a driving force...is it him? me? idk...

but i'm not destroyed...i just shake my head that folks don't see what they have...now im FAR from perfect but i know im a good person and i know that he gives me what i want and i can give him what he says he wants...by me just being me...unless he really wants something else...i consciously live my life that way...like the white witch in Alice in Wonderland...i strongly believe that what you put out comes back on you double...

sis says im working too hard...that is should be easy...it's not hard...but sometimes folks just need to trust that folks will not turn their back...especially if it's something that's happened to them all their life...
should people like that never get love? cause is takes a little effort? i don't think so...i believe everyone deserves love and happiness...it doesn't cost a thing...

so these are my thoughts for the day...

I have decided....

...that i really like NOT dating...folks these days are so full of game and bullshit...they say they're not, but lord in the sky they are...game...
i've never been a game player and will never play THE game or a game...take me as i am or leave me the hell alone...
i really don't wanna make this post or my blog a grip vehicle but sheesh folks annoy me...
and the joke is i always figure it out...i know the game and intention behind the game and the action...smh...
so for those who think you got over...you didn't...the last laugh is on you cause i know the dirt behind the dirt...the real reason...the things you're hiding and gappling with...

sadness....

i'm not even sure I want to bear my soul on this blog...I live life outloud but i have a funny way of not revealing what I really feel inside...

things came to a crashing end with me and the bear...i'm so so sad...but being ever hopeful i pray that it can be resolved and we can get back together...
he says there is no spark...he tried to give it time, but the spark never happened and never will...however he loves spending time with me, i'm a beautiful person, etc etc...

im confused...

im refraining from analyzing the problem and taking him and his words at face value, although i strongly believe otherwwise...

there are private things i wont disclose here but i will say that he thought i was angry at him and believed i was going to dump him...so he dumped me before i could break up with him...i understand...cause i do the same thing...

after texts back and forth...more from me than from him...i was able to see him to face to face...i didn't want to cause all my feelings came tumbling out...we sat in the car and i talked and cried for an hour in front of his job...something i told him i didn't want to do but he insisted...he listened and the few times he talked his voice was husky (I refused to look at him)...I told him that he was something special and even if we never talked or saw each other again i was totally grateful for the time we spent together and would have love in my heart always...he wanted to hear this...i truly did not want to share...I told him i wanted our last night to be as beautiful as our first...I did not want to end a beautiful friendship with yelling, anger and bad feeling...I wanted to sit by the water but it was sunset and we would not have made the park before it closed...i suggested we go to eat and he chose the place we had our first meal...after dinner he told me that we would go out the following week...I'm am trying so hard to not text him and so far I'm successful...i only texted him once...and stalked his fb page onetwothree times...lol...

so i'm taking it day by day...life does move on and if it's not ment to be i will be ok...cause i know the creator closes a door but opens a window...i also believe that our life path is pre-written but we always have a choice of path to take at every turn...I'm confident that it will work out...so i know that if i lose a bear I will gain what and who i need...but i like the bear...

but on another note, I've determined that the internet and facebook in particular is a very dangerous thing...bear and i had our misunderstanding but it was between us...but with facebook the situation got blown out of proportion...he made comments, i made comments, he deleted me and my family, i deleted all his pictures and he deleted mine...but the issue with fb is that is real easy to act in the heat of the moment, to write how you feel in 160 characters from the safety of your bed, office, phone, computer...once you post or delete it's done...and everyone knows it...i check his page, im sure he doesn't check mine, but i wont ever friend him...i think its the best if we do have a relationship in the future...

i don't know what to do...

...i'm two paychecks away from disaster...i have a car note, car insurance, high rent, a loan at the credit union that need immediate attention...unemployment wont cover it...i have a job but they are dragging their feet giving me cases...
so i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to make money...i've worked for myself before and i'm not scared...i owned a beauty salon and i did family day care...i actually like doing family daycare and being a social worker i have an advantage...BUT, and there is almost always a but, my apt won't qualify...it's too small and i live on the second floor of a walk-up...
so i could not pay rent and move to an acceptable apt...hustle for the few months it will take to get my business online...
with my experience with children, especially delayed children I can really give the kids something...and parents will pay...
i don't want to rely on other people...i hate it...
so that's my thought for the day...

time...

i look up and it's been weeks since i last posted...time sure does fly...
i love my bear...he told me to not say those words cause it puts him under pressure to say it and he's not ready...i told him i don't care if he feels it or not but i love him as a friend and companion...we've been friends, talking on a daily basis and hanging out, for about four months...according to him we've been "talking" "dating" "seeing each other" for a month...but i knew he was my soul mate on our bearhunts in nature...he took me to the most beautiful spots...
i'm good for making folk my soulmate or "falling in love" cause i wanted too...i know i did this...but with him it just happened...out the freaking blue...trust me i was not thinking about this dude...not at all...i met him about two to three years ago at bigbears show- he sang- and i didn't give him a second look...don't even think i talked to him...
this guy is kind, caring, considerate...yes he's a slight pain in the ass and but in a good way and totally not perfect...but his qualities totally outweigh anything that is not "perfect"...
but most of all my kids approve...mmb especially...and she' a tough audience...lol...

so that's where my life stands...look like i'm getting this job that pays ahellamore than the charter school and i think i will like it better...there are a few things i need to master but overall im comfortable...

so all in all i have no complaints...thank you Lord...

water

as water is ever changing
so is my life

water ebbs and flows
so do my feelings

water envelopes
surrounds you
with soft
but strong
current

that's how
i will be
for you
surrounding you with love
holding you close
with strong arms

water can be destructive
but without it
we will die

water can be tamed
but at the same time
leak out at will
doing what it wants

same as love
touch
feeling
ebbing
flowing

water is a necessity
just like love

water is beautiful
as you are

change

is scary as hell...and when it comes at you all at once it's just down right terrifying...and it's coming at me at once...
bear is helping me with change...he lets me know that I deserve a life, to be happy...yes sister tells me that as does bigbear, but they're supposed to say that...they are family (even tho my fam does not hold their tongue)
bigbear is handling poppy and his stuff...chocolahontas is so far away i can't bail run to her rescue and bail her out...MMB is happy as shit that i'm not interfering with her life as much...
so where does that leave me? i feel like i don't have a purpose in life...my family does not need me...bear won't let me do for him or his daughter...i feel so useless and unloved...cause if i'm not providing why would folks wanna be around me?
but i do have a lot to offer the world i know...and maybe now is the time where i can put a hundred percent into my work, my teaching...loving the people around me...
my family accepts me cause they have too, but what's strange but wonderful is bear accepts me to...oh yes, i do annoy him, don't get it twisted, but we talk about it...he is so wise beyond his years...
so on this extremely hot day i ponder the changes in my life...for the first time ever in my life i am going away for the weekend, leaving behind my family...i will celebrate my day of fasting away from my family...
for the first time in life i have someone who, in the four months I've been dealing with them, has not changed, has stayed true to their word...
for the first time in life i am free to be me...craziness and all...me...
change is powerful, good, scary...i'm having to make new relationships and changes...to let go, to relinquish power, authority...to let others change and grow...
but surprisingly i am not too scared of change with bear by my side...in his straightforward way he puts it bluntly on the table...much in the way i do with others...i often can't argue with him cause he's right...
so slowly i am accepting the changes in my life...allowing someone else to be in charge...trusting that all will make good decisions and i won't have to pick up the pieces...
change is good...healthy...and i'm slowly embracing it...

it's been a month

and so much has happened...chocolahontas had to run for her life with the clothes on her back...but bad things happen for good reasons...she's in a shelter in a secure undisclosed location (i don't even know where she is) and she's good...learning things that she had a hard time grasping...spending lots and lots of quality time with her son...for the first time ever...
MMB is growing into a wonderful young lady...she's kind of in the rebellious stage but in comparison to most i can't complain...
the job ended...ugh...i won't even go into that...i'm on a mini paid vacation but hopefully my new job will start in the next week or two...
my bear...he's growing to like me as much as i like him...and i like him lots...he's the first that ive really gotten to know before i "claimed" him...i'm not pretending to like him and i don't have to make him into what i want him to be...he is...yes he has his issues, as do i, and can sometimes be annoying with the little things...but it's nothing that i would want to leave him for...i can see myself with him for a very long time...

I deleted bear but he was not having it...at all...refriended me within hours...and was pissed...shit...me and my rash moments...i hope i didn't ruin anything...
i do things sometimes...i have a legitimate rationale but it hurts folks...i hate to hurt folks...even an ant...i hate to cause pain...even at my own expense...yeah, i know i need to stop that...it's a hard habit to break...

anyway...i have an interview on monday...really like what's posted but may have an issue with losing the school calendar and the six weeks of vacation...damn...

but no investigation no right to speak...im going in with a clean mind...no preconceived notions...

bear...omg...i LIKE him...i really have never liked a person so much...i can make myself like someone...that's why i can dump them with no afterthought cause i didn't like them to begin with...but i LIKE him...and from this last thing and the things he told me i cautiously will say he likes me too...he is everything (so far) i wanted idiot to be...i NEVER had someone who liked the woods like me...who was ok watching bunnies and deer in the meadow...

I pray this works out...yes, im admitting it...no one is to mention this in real life...please...i'm in emotional turmoil as it is...

well i'll let you know how it goes...

i like writing on my blog...it's ok that i have no followers and probably no one reads it...but i can write and reread...it's my therapy...
usually when i don't write is when things are rocky...i keep my thoughts in my head...but when i die no one will be able to open my head and get my thoughts out so i'm trying to put things on paper...

i guess this comes from when i was a little girl...i love my fam but i remember being teased for crying or being upset...in a fun not mean way, but i didn't like it none the less...or having it thrown in my face later...if i had a moment, let it lay...i know what i did and i don't need to be reminded...
so anywho, when im feeling the most shitty i tend to disappear...right in your face...

i know that other people have it worse, but this is my reality...what i live with...fuck other people cause my reality sucks...i don't wanna hear well it's bad and then hear their story...i wanna vent, be upset, and maybe get some empathy...just for a moment...but that never happens so i do it for myself...
but sitting in bed, in the quiet, i hopefully can put down what i'm thinking...without having to explain myself, wondering and worrying that i'm hurting feelings...

so today i feel like a total failure...today...tomorrow i might feel differently...but tonite as i sit in my bed i feel this way...for a moment i don't wanna look on the bright side...cause that bitch looks mighty cloudy...my job sucks ass and is ending in three weeks...i will get paid for an additional two paychecks then im in deep shit...i have a credit union loan that pulls 250 a month...i have a car loan that's 350 a month, which i'm beginning to see i can't afford the car..but who's gonna buy it?...plus rent that's 1258...i don't want a hand out or even someone to bail me out or as i joke a husband just to pay half the rent...i just want a fucking job that pays enough to cover my bills...one job...i'm so tired of working three and four jobs to make ends meet...i went to school...i have a masters...a license...two licenses for crying out loud and that shit seems like it means nothing...

so bossbitch hired a young white social worker...now i'm not prejudiced at all...matter of fact i actually hate everyone equally...lol...but i take folks as they come...but this "afrocentric" black chick threw me under the bus for a young white chick...damn...what does that mean? i feel like my work, what i stand for, what i put out for our kids to succeed means nothing...to the school, to the world...
i'm sad i can't give these kids what i know they need...im the only one who feels like they need this...
so i'm out in the cold...having to prove my track record...but at 42 i don't have a track record...not on paper anyway...go ask the corner boys...the ghetto girls...can i parade them in the interview? would anyone take their word? of course not...so i feel like shit...like my work means nothing...i'd love to write, to consult, but i need to pay that loan, the car note, the rent...the stress of being homeless or almost homeless is completely overwhelming...i can't be in that position with that over my head...

bear...i really really like him...he's not my type, has health issues, has issues...but i like him...he's educated, interesting, and most of all shares my passion for nature...BUT...he's jaded, wounded, careful...and he expressed to me in the beginning he "doesn't see me that way"...but then he conceded that he feels the same way i do...huh?...i'm confused...but i do have a habit of putting more into a situation, reading things that are not there...looking at intent and not reality...so i deleted him...from facebook, from my phone, from my life...i can't...i'm very sad...but i can't...im not jaded and take everyone as they present themselves to me...but i lived through idiots "just let things flow" "just leave it be" while he was fucking everyone and bought a house with the third...no thanks...
but i'm glad i totally embraced the moment...let him and the world know how i feel...screamed it to the world through song and admiration...i wouldn't change that and will do it again...it's how i felt in the moment and i'm proud to have shared that...

so that leads me to me...am i that undesirable? am i really ugly and no one wants to tell me? i lost 29 pounds for me, with more to go...but damn...i get my shout outs in the street, but i guess since i'm not 20, tall, light skin with a big butt and long hair it's over for me...sigh...i resigned to not having a life partner...it's actually ok...i don't have to worry about whether my soft squishy body is unattractive, or if he's wandering, or lying, or anything else men do...i will have a life...go places...do things...but walking in the woods is not quite as fun when you're alone...besides my roll dog no one is interested in what i'm interested in...but one day she's not gonna be here...and i feel like i'll be all alone...my kids don't seem to give a fuck...i don't understand how i raised such self centered kids...i'm so not like that...

so my gripe fest is almost over...i actually don't feel better but i know a good night sleep changes everything...

maybe i need to increase my metformin...i cut the dose in half cause my body was telling me that it was too much after my weight loss...

well thanks for listening cyberworld...maybe tomorrow i'll feel better...i promise to tell you...

how cool is this

I haven't posted cause I'm just not on the computer but I got this awesome phone that let's me post....I just need to get used to the keyboard...its a new experience...
Well guys the bear is an awesome person...he's not my type at all and has health issues but he is what I've always looked for...it doesn't matter if we never hook up cause I know what I'm looking for is out there...
We hike, take walks watch the animals...I feel so safe and at peace when I'm next to him...
He sings native tribal songs to me and shares so much...
So no matter what happens in the future I'm going to enjoy what this moment is offering me right now...

Im a bundle of confusion...don't know if I'm coming or going...men are weird, jobs have nothing to do with work and everything to do with games...I have money going faster than I can keep track...sigh...i'm not happy...
I like tiny, I do, but his words "I don't see you like that, I tried but I just don't" reverberate in my head...even tho we have had some beautiful days, I can't let that go...in the past I've overlooked those words and went with the action and got burnt...i realize that most men will take what ever is thrown their way regardless if they really want it or not...all this to say i'm backing the fuck up...believing his initial words...we can go camping, trailwalking when ever but i'm not putting anything else into it...one day i'll find the perfect man who has the qualities of tiny but who will see me and like me...i'm not here to convince anyone to like me...did that with idiot and ten years later i still got screwed...broke and screwed...no thank you...
the job...sigh...i need a new one ASAP...by july the latest...no vacation for me...i wonder why i gotta work so fucken hard all the time...i did all the right things and still i struggle...
so now i'm officially depressed and headed to work...

life moves so fast that I don't have the time to sit and think, never mind write...I can't update you on everything, but just to say the job isn't working out...I'm not being invited back for the next school year...listen, i don't know it all, but I know what I know and I know my kids...inner city, ghetto, minority...what ever you wanna call them...i know them...i approached from a clinical angle they wanted a social worker...oh well, fuck 'em...sorry the kids will lose...

Tiny...wow...he has clear boundaries and limitations that i respect but am finding it harder and harder to keep...can I say soul mate? physic connection? for real? wow...i just wanna ride in his pocket...curl up on the soft soft of his belly...but i know that sometimes your soul mate is not the one you end up with...sigh...can i tell you that he CAME OUT THE BLUE...holy shit...wasn't thinking bout him AT ALL...not even a little bit...didn't even know he noticed me except for the occasional bearstare i would get...

so, i'm at a cross roads...birthday's coming up, new job, new life, new friends, probably a new house soon cause the rents gonna go up and i won't be able to afford it...but i'm not worried or scared...especially with a bear behind me, watching...
life is good...