Saturday, June 5, 2010

I deleted bear but he was not having it...at all...refriended me within hours...and was pissed...shit...me and my rash moments...i hope i didn't ruin anything...
i do things sometimes...i have a legitimate rationale but it hurts folks...i hate to hurt folks...even an ant...i hate to cause pain...even at my own expense...yeah, i know i need to stop that...it's a hard habit to break...

anyway...i have an interview on monday...really like what's posted but may have an issue with losing the school calendar and the six weeks of vacation...damn...

but no investigation no right to speak...im going in with a clean mind...no preconceived notions...

bear...omg...i LIKE him...i really have never liked a person so much...i can make myself like someone...that's why i can dump them with no afterthought cause i didn't like them to begin with...but i LIKE him...and from this last thing and the things he told me i cautiously will say he likes me too...he is everything (so far) i wanted idiot to be...i NEVER had someone who liked the woods like me...who was ok watching bunnies and deer in the meadow...

I pray this works out...yes, im admitting it...no one is to mention this in real life...please...i'm in emotional turmoil as it is...

well i'll let you know how it goes...

3 comments:

Fatlady said...

You and i are much alike. We know that already, but it's true. I don't think I'm quite as kind as you are, but I'm older and have had different experiences - maybe that's what makes me a little harder.

One thing I've learned, and I said this to you before, is that men sometimes need to see what life might be like without you to realize how much they want/need you around. I think this is especially true of men who've been through some shit, who have learned to protect themselves by telling themselves they don't care.

All that to say, try not to worry about hurting Bear by deleting him. It might just have been what you both needed at the moment. You needed to know that you could take control of your feelings and your life and walk away if need be and he needed to get a glimpse of what you've brought into his life and how much he likes it by seeing how he felt with you gone - even briefly.

I won't mention it to you in person, but know if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

The Bear Maiden said...

I keep telling you to have faith in yourself, in your talent. I'm not sure where you got beaten down or teased but I can assure you it wasn't from family. It was probably from the idiot who TOLD you it was the family, cuz that's how idiots like that work. They seek until they find insecurities and then they beat them into you... if not physically than mentally. You were NEVER teased or told to suck it up when you cried. Poppy's motto was "Keep the baby happy and we're all happy". And that's what we did. Sometimes it didn't seem that way because circumstances were beyond anyone's control, but I can assure you that it was never intentional. By any of us.

And from your last post to this, I hope you see that what's going on in your job has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone saving their own ass and seeing you as a threat; that the Bear cared enough about you regardless of what he SAID to insist on continuing your friendship.

You have a masters, a car, a nice apartment, two jobs. Yes you struggle but hon, everyone is these days and at least you're still having these things to complain about.

What you're lacking is faith in God, in yourself, in love. You say you have faith in God but I think your faith is rattled. You grew up on blind faith in God; you survived a building falling on you, you walked when they said you never would, you have no limp when they said you would, you got first a degree when the idiot treated like you were dumb and now you're more educated and stable than he is.

God always provides. He got you out of the last job, and already you have prospects--PROSPECTS--for a new one. I know we're all entitled to a good wallow once in a while, and a good cry gets the bad juices released. So it's good you had your moment... but already things are looking up. I hope you hold on to that...

professor said...

i'm just seeing this now and i thank you both....