parenting...

is one of the hardest jobs in the world...especially if you are doing it alone...with choclahontas is was easier in a strange way...being adopted I had a lot of support from my parents...I guess cause she was thrown at me...but the little one? no...she never spent the night out...she was stuck under my ass 24/7...i didn't treat the two differently...just treated them according to their personalities and capabilities...
I thought i was parenting ok...but according to moodmagicbarbie I'm unbearable, I'm intolerable, I'm the worst person on earth...now most children do spew these words of hate to their parents but when you are one parent who does everything in their freaking power to make a good life for you and your children I find that totally disrespectful...
I'm not asking this child to worship the ground i walk on but shit, show some respect...i never forced her to show respect, I modeled respect...i said please and thank you...compromised...thought of my children first...
but this child is angry because i didn't give her a white picket fence and siblings her age...i can't send her on 500 dollar shopping sprees cause she's tired of her wardrobe and decides to throw it all away...throw away things I busted my ass to buy...
she thinks life here is hard...word? after i give you everything i have plus...yeah i spoil my children, but life is so hard I want them to know what unconditional love is so they wont find it in the arms of an asshole...i guess i overcompensated cause their father is such an asshole...
but you think this is hard?
child dances in my room at 10 to announce she's going out...now ordinarily she wouldn't go but she has her friend...so if she doesn't go, that leaves this child going home alone, in the snow..."but she travels at 3 in the morning alone" says the lovely charming child i have....but not on my watch...so yes, she goes...she was rude, belligerent and indignant cause how dare I...whatever she feels...if she kills herself I'm gonna be the cause...word?
so you know what? you can go...bye...you think I'm such a horrible person? you think you have it hard here? go...be a street child...know what hard is...scrapple for money...sleep six to a bed...be homeless for a while...maybe then you will appreciate what you have...
i don't have time for the bullhsit...this kid makes a decision to not talk to me or anyone else...i've set her up for therapy to give her someone to talk to, she won't go...i can't make her...then you know what? go crazy on your own time...you claim your so unhappy...go find happiness...maybe you'll find it at your friends house...i'm done...kid or not...there is no way ima allow someone to consistently put me down and disrespect me especially when I provide every fucken thing you own...
so when she's ready to understand what she has, and appreciate what she has, and shows me some respect I'll listen, but until that point you're on your own kid...cause you think you'll have a better life...good luck with that...

life's ha

I proclaimed to the world that I was applying to a PhD program...I did this so I would be held accountable..,so I half assed worked on the necessary paperwork...the deadline loomed and I know I wouldn't be ready...but I was checking something on the website and guess what? the deadline was extended....hahaha to me....so I finished...and I will submit my paper work....getting in at this point is not important but that I took on a task and completed it...yay go me...
I like my friend...he's as strange as me but it's ok...
well more later...

dear diary...

why am I so overwhelming? my whole life I've felt like I'm either on an interview or I'm having to tone myself down...interesting...here's a secret...when I'm nervous I go one of two ways...I'm either really overwhelming or I walk away...
when I meet and care for someone, friend, lover, I absorb them...I want to care for them...it's like they didn't exist before I met them...well in my view they didn't...and when I go it like that space and time has ended...like a star that's blown up and burned out...
now I have no problems with folks not liking me...cause i'm a strange one I admit...and I don't open myself to folk at all cause I know I will scare them, and I also know that i will give 100% or more...too many times i've been burnt...but each person I meet and "fall in love" with I know that they don't carry the baggage of the last...so each person gets a fresh start...
but I do it time and time again...I take over and scare folks...sigh...I'm like a bull in a china shop...and dammit if someone pet me I wouldn't break the plates and I could be lead out...
so I'm wondering if in my lovely way I've driven off someone I actually do like...in my brutally honest and overwhelming way...
if you just say through the exterior I'm a good person inside...
but I run into these issues...even at work...maybe I'm too particular...at work...I know I'm not the smartest, but i find that I put myself in situations where folks try to disregard my knowledge...that's why I went to college in the first place...they discount my ideas, but I notice that they will use it as their own at a later time...
so on one hand I'm overwhelming and on the other I don't fight...interesting...
well...writing this blog is therapeutic cause since I write it raw I can go back and reread many times what my thoughts were and try to figure out a solution...
but back to my friend...he's a sweetheart...I hope in no way I've insulted him or scared him with my man arms and overwhelming personality...cause that is not my intention at all...
but I'm so "out of practice" with men and relationships I just tend to be me...should I learn to play the "game"?...ugh...this is why I don't ever let myself get past the "flirting" stage...I just don't know what to do...I know how to be a wife...to cook, share, cooperate, delegate, care for you...I would do well in an arranged marriage...I wouldn't have to go through the other stuff...sigh...
oh well...
as for work, I've talked enough about it to see where I falter...so tomorrow I'm going in with a new attitude...I know it will work cause it's coming from me...

here I go again...

...I'm very blunt and out there...I feel there is nothing to lose by being honest and truthful...
we went to a club and celebrated bearmaiden and cuddlyteddybears birthday with the HS peeps...it was wonderful!!!!!! I danced with shortywop all night...I really like him...he has grown on me...he had a sexy new haircut and you all know how I feel bout my sexy haircuts...he seems to be into me but I don't know...I never second guess what someone is feeling or thinking...
so I told him at the end of the night that i was really really into him...he gave me a look but didn't go anywhere...we drove uptown cause bigman and bearmaiden have had my car all week...
he went home...I guess I could've pushed the issue and had him come upstairs but he nor I did and I'm glad for that...I find him a true gentleman...
but I had to reach out to him today and let him know that in fact I do like him and it wasn't the tequila talking...I got poked but no verbal response...I don't feel bad that he hasn't said anything yet...cause his immediate reply could be "uh, I'm really not feeling you" as have been some responses in the past...
but I feel good...and I like that I didn't jump into something...and I like that I actually was NOT thinking of him in anyway but my sisters friend and in about a year he's grown on me...
so slow and steady wins the race...I'm happy for that...I get the feeling that all's well that end's well...

vitural life...

...can be good and bad...yesterday I saw that a YOUNG child, whom i raised in the early formative years, said something very disrespectful about me on a post...i ignored the first comment, but the second and third comment were just too much for me to leave alone...
so I commented...then he commented...then his sister commented...and commented to all of them...then apparently they called my child with the bullshit...
but here's my dilemma...this is a situation where the idiot has raised his children to disrespect me...should I stand by and let this shit continue? if you read the thread his comments were extremely disrespectful where at one point he refers to me as "this nigga"...
i'm sorry...bullies get their strength from your silence...nasty comments were being made in the dark, in private, when i said something I looked "stupid"...but in black and white things are different...
so they pressured my child...she asked me not to respond cause it makes me look "stupid"...i will not respond for her sake, but is she serious? i used to be like that...not responding...just going along with the flow to not make a scene...but in my later years I realized it was bullshit...bullies get their strength from your silence and as long as you play the game they have you in their grips...
not me...i don't need them...i did not turn my child against them...their own actions did...so bottom line fuck them...
but I will NOT be disrespected by a bunch of teenagers and sit around and do or say nothing cause in my view then I look "stupid"...

2018

a special place
66 steps to the top
so many people
so many ghosts
so many memories

we were family
hot summer nights
tar beach parties
doors always open
flowing between houses

we were one
struggling together
huddling under blankets
pipes frozen
no water

lock on the door
borrowing lights
from the hall
borrowing sugar
salt
bread

you have
we have
come eat baby

bike shop
fights
making love
in every nook and cranny

babies born
Bo shot on the roof
Ms. Francis
Mr. O'Dell
Mr. Roberts

running fast
holding your nose
to get past
Ms. Calhoun's house
chitterlings and cat shit

Hardest Hard
the fire
newbies

how many stairs to the top?
you do this everyday?

we were proud
the Bikeshop boys
Beautika

Will
Curly
Red who murdered his wife
Judge D

never will it be
the same
again
2018

heaven and hell
66 steps to the top
gone forever
but never forgotten

Ms. Francis

a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she used to wear a wig
i told her once
she was too pretty
will mess up
her indian hair

from that day on
she wore a bang
and ponytail
black and silky

but she remained
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

never saw family
she came and went
first walking proudly
then with a cane
then stooped
like the weight
of the world
was on her shoulders

but she remained
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she always asked
after the family
the children
remarked how much
they grew

laughing behind
a delicate hand
a lady like giggle

always remaining
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she died alone
with no one to care
but she will always remain
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

my mouth

sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble...or should I say me personally...I can be so overwhelming...I can't help it...it's something I'm working on...I know I'm like a mushroom cloud that envelopes all...sigh...I scare myself...
I think i get it from bigbear...we just get so excited we just talk...but i'm not a gossip and i never talk about anything that isn't public knowledge...ever...i'm a strong believer in confidentiality even tho my life is an open book...
so it's not anything I might say in particular, but that i will talk someone to death...i have so much to say, and I love to hear folks stories...i love to get them talking...

i feel better about having reflected, processed and internalized my prejudices...i feel it has made me a better person...i truly hope no one was offended cause that is never my intention...

but can i tell you i like my friend? no matter what happens i feel so good at having put my stuff to the side and taken the time to dig deep...i just hope i didn't scare him...sigh...i just get so excited when i talk to folks as smart as me...i just wanna live in their pocket...lol...

anywho, i'm taking it one day, one minute at a time...i'm NOT gonna be my usual overwhelming self and just live...but i do look forward to spending more time with him...and that's something cause he actually got past the first line of defense on his own merits and not cause he fit my man mold or talked a mean but bullshit filled game...

so the job is ok...i had a bitchfit but it did make a difference...sometimes you do have to throw a bitchfit to get results...but believe me it was planned and executed to the minute...i should win an academy award...BUT it was from the heart and i ment every emotion and word i said...but i just never "lost" control...

so for today life is good...

reflections

poppy losing his leg got me to thinking...it got me to look at my own prejudices...i took informal polls...i thought....and i thought some more...

as i look back on my, thank God, short list of horrible men, i realized that i often overlooked important things, like intelligence, for a perfect physical specimen...right height...in proportion...no outstanding physical flaws...eyes symmetrical...hair line in the right place...although the last charmer had a "five head"...

so when poppy lost his leg i began to marvel at the power of love...although bigbear and i cracked some pretty cruel jokes about the situation, she never once even thought about leaving him because he lost his leg...he was no longer physically a perfect specimen...I think of a friend who met, married, bought a half million dollar house with, but who says her husband is ugly, not her type, and never will be her type...the love they display tells me that they will be together for a LONG time dispite the physical, and if they even broke up it that wouldn't be the cause...

but could I, would I, walk into a relationship with the physical flaws on prominent display...could I, would I, enter a relationship with someone who had one leg, who was in a wheel chair, who was shorter than me...someone who society deemed as "ugh"...

i really had to, and continue to, examine my prejudices...it is easy for me to tell my sister to love what God gave her and to not look at the package...she found everything she's looking for in a man that is a good fifty pounds overweight...I look at bigbear, who fiercely loves a man with many many missing body parts...could I, can I, open myself to someone who appears to have, at first glance, the qualities i'm looking for in a partner...the ONLY person my charming child has given a stamp of approval for...but who is shorter than me...

being five feet three, if someone is shorter than me, they are short...no way to cut it...

my view of men, my perfect man, is that he is to be taller than me...tall enough to wrap me in his arms and protect me, shade me from the sun...heavy enough so when I roll over I don't snap his bones, or crush him in his sleep, or send him flying into the wall when I give him a friendly but good shove...I can hear my friend say "I have a good umbrella to shade you, and it's okay if you smother me...I LIKE IT"...

so the prejudices are all mine...a friend said in so many words "I can't deal with a man who is boobie height"...well maybe some share my not so nice view...but it doesn't make it nice...and how does that person feel? the one who is ostracized by society? I often look at severely disabled adults and wonder will they ever have sex? have children? will anyone, besides their parents or sibling, see the beauty inside and love them for who they are? and here I am contributing to the madness...putting down people the very people i advocate for, telling people to look beyond the physical...being a hypocrite...

is it that i'm covering my own flaws? that if i'm with a shorter man, someone bordering midget status, that my lazy eye will stand out like a neon sign? will society see us as the short and the blind? will the jokes be cutting and cruel?

but in fact, i am the cruelest of them all...we all see odd couples...they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and issues...and when we see them how often is it that we are the only ones looking? that society is so engrossed with themselves that they don't notice...so why would I be so special to be pointed out...to be ridiculed...
am i so shallow that i will pass up what could be the man of my dreams because of my prejudices?