dear diary...

why am I so overwhelming? my whole life I've felt like I'm either on an interview or I'm having to tone myself down...interesting...here's a secret...when I'm nervous I go one of two ways...I'm either really overwhelming or I walk away...
when I meet and care for someone, friend, lover, I absorb them...I want to care for them...it's like they didn't exist before I met them...well in my view they didn't...and when I go it like that space and time has ended...like a star that's blown up and burned out...
now I have no problems with folks not liking me...cause i'm a strange one I admit...and I don't open myself to folk at all cause I know I will scare them, and I also know that i will give 100% or more...too many times i've been burnt...but each person I meet and "fall in love" with I know that they don't carry the baggage of the last...so each person gets a fresh start...
but I do it time and time again...I take over and scare folks...sigh...I'm like a bull in a china shop...and dammit if someone pet me I wouldn't break the plates and I could be lead out...
so I'm wondering if in my lovely way I've driven off someone I actually do like...in my brutally honest and overwhelming way...
if you just say through the exterior I'm a good person inside...
but I run into these issues...even at work...maybe I'm too particular...at work...I know I'm not the smartest, but i find that I put myself in situations where folks try to disregard my knowledge...that's why I went to college in the first place...they discount my ideas, but I notice that they will use it as their own at a later time...
so on one hand I'm overwhelming and on the other I don't fight...interesting...
well...writing this blog is therapeutic cause since I write it raw I can go back and reread many times what my thoughts were and try to figure out a solution...
but back to my friend...he's a sweetheart...I hope in no way I've insulted him or scared him with my man arms and overwhelming personality...cause that is not my intention at all...
but I'm so "out of practice" with men and relationships I just tend to be me...should I learn to play the "game"?...ugh...this is why I don't ever let myself get past the "flirting" stage...I just don't know what to do...I know how to be a wife...to cook, share, cooperate, delegate, care for you...I would do well in an arranged marriage...I wouldn't have to go through the other stuff...sigh...
oh well...
as for work, I've talked enough about it to see where I falter...so tomorrow I'm going in with a new attitude...I know it will work cause it's coming from me...