fear translates into hostility...

is what bigbear always says...and she has a point...while cyberstalking my landlady I found she has not paid the water bill...today the light company sent a notice saying that the light bill has not been paid...I feel bad...it still doesn't give her the right to be nasty and sneaky and its really not for her to tell me her situation, but since I live in the house we are all in this together...
I realized that she is afraid that I will leave...and if in fact she is having financial difficulties I'm sure she's panicking about giving me the 2800 dollar security deposit back...
as God would have it, my washing machine is leaking water from underneath...its not the hosing, but probably just that the thing is 12 years old...the dryer works, but the timer died a long time ago...so I will let both go...which helps with her water bill and my light bill, so its a win win...I don't want to buy another washer/dryer cause I don't want a new bill...so Laundromat here we come...

sexychocolate is being sexychocolate...his BM is giving him a fit...the clock ticked out and I'm over that crush...yes, I flip in a day...dread talked to me and expressed wanting to take me to dinner...so maybe this weekend or next...

bigbear is disgusted by all men...she was just bashing them all...oh well...

I'm back if only for a moment

life sucks...landlady is being an ass...I cyberstalked her and found out some interesting shit...
she told me to clear the terrace of my "stuff" which includes my rock garden and my chairs, so she can redo the terrace...I really don't see anything wrong out there, and she said something about a leak, which I've never heard of or seen...and we've had some downpours...but it seems that she can only legally raise the rent if there is structural improvements made to the property...so the hotwater heater didn't qualify, nor will refinancing the house...so the bitch has to invent an issue to raise the rent...and all because her tax abatement ended july 1st...this bitch thinks I'm dumb...but I'm going to have the last laugh...

I told her I am no longer going to clean the halls and outside, I'm not doing the garbage (even though it KILLS me not too, cause I can't stand to live in filth) and I want to know ASAP what percentage she's raising the rent...I didn't tell her but if I'm not satisfied I'm out...I dont have a lease...I will restore the apartment to its orginal condition/color and call it a day...what she isn't taking into account is that I pay her morgage...dumb bitch...

choclahontas is getting on my nerves...she's overwhelmed, cold, tired, everything not to clean her room...that poor child lives in my room cause he can't stand to be in a nasty environment...he's his grandmothers child..."put her out" screams bearmaiden...but its really not that easy...first there are NO apartments...she never had a real job, has little to no credit, and not enough money to pay the rent/security..."its not your problem" screams bearmaiden...uh, yeah it is...the shelter system WONT take her because she has a place to live...she does not have a steady boyfriend who she can move in with (and would we really want that?)...she cant get on welfare or get section 8...

Im feeling very stuck...like I'm always sitting around waiting for folks...choclahontas fucked up her time so I couldn't go to the gym because I had to relieve bigbear who had bigboy (tunner)...bigboy wont go to bed/sleep in her room, so I have to wait for him to go to sleep before I can enter my room and get ready for bed...I'm waiting for the idiot landlady to decide what she's going to do...I have to determine if I'm moving if I have to drag choclahontas along...UGH...

So sexychocolate, who is thirteen years my junior, is sniffing around again...we have flirted before but now he has a babymama (who hasn't given birth yet) who he is trying to develop a relationship with, they met a year ago now, and after four months she was pregnant...he has been a big brother figure to choclahontas, and she was upset when I told her thats gonna be her daddy, moodmagicbarb doesn't mind...whatever...so I guess I should just screw the hell out of him just because...that's what condoms are for...maybe I will feel better if I get my groove back...

so that's it...

random thoughts...

having my laptop up and running in my room is very interesting because I can roll out of bed and post when I feel it...before, I would think of something to write, but would dread going down stairs.

choclahontas and I had a brief, but good, conversation...I helped her, and she allowed me, to navigate pita this afternoon...we then talked about her moving out...she said she's wanted to be on her own for a while, but thought she was letting me down, I let her know that I didn't feel she was ready before, and I definitely did NOT want her to be on her own with crazy-ass pita...I told her I saw things that she didn't and she admitted that she saw them too...
you see bearmaiden, I don't have to give ultimatums to get my way...the bitch is going...I'm playing...but we agreed its time...

the male cousin footballplayerken is over...MMB loves him, hes taken the place of her corrupted brothers (sexoffenderken and yodaken) he's fourteen and is my best friends hypervigilantbarbie's son...

so choclahontas put tunner to sleep in her own bed, and has gone out with divacuntbitchken/barbie for a little while...

I'm still thinking about my curriculum, and should have stuff together by the end of the week

professorhat: the semester ended in the beginning of June...a few folks (about three) did not hand in final papers so their grade reflected that...do you know that two actually have approached me to hand in this paper and do you know I have to accept it? one never sent in the paper, and the other just emailed it to me, and acted like it was due yesterday and asked me to please hurry up and change her grade before the deadline...WHA?
see that's a crock, and that's why folks don't get ahead...they don't have to work hard because everything is handed to them on a platter...if it were up to me, if that paper isn't handed in by the end of the week, that's it...especially when they had at least four weeks to write it...

a last thought...I noticed that a blog that I read often has a paypal thingie where folks can make donations...are you serious?...and I wonder how much money this person really makes for writing a blog...now I admit, its a funny well written blog, and they have a LOT of comments, but does this warrant a donation? so if I set up a paypal account will I get donations too? cause Lord knows I really need the cash...that hundred I had left over has shrunk to about forty and I don't have my savings any more, that was spent at the pow wow...

hey...I need your help, and no, its not about donations for the security deposit

So I have been tapped to conduct the monthly parenting class, being the social worker and all...It's fun and I really don't mind...
I will do one session a month, and I have 12 months...If anyone out there cares and reads my blog, send me suggestions on what you would like to have covered in a parenting group at your child's daycare. I have my ideas (as I developed and conducted a parenting group before) but I want to see where folks mindsets are these days...

God save me...I want choclahontas OUT!!! this stupid landlord is making no moves to call me back and give me the address to the apartment we are supposed to view tomorrow...but I have to be honest, I did not give her the deadline (I know, I know, bearmaiden, don't tell me the nasty comment in person or on line) and I would miss my chocolate sunshine SOOOOOOOOO much- even though his shredded "nose" (tissue) is all over the house and in my bed, and up his nose...

All hail the queen...moodmagicbarbie has a boyfriend!!!!!! and it's really a boy...the rainbow belt went into the garbage and that phase is OVER...on to the next...black nail polish, smoking weed (just kidding, she's WAY to paranoid)...
Hey, she returned my vibrator...LOL...she told me that its not "proper" and I was "sick"...who the fuck told her to go through my drawers in the first place... it was a gage gift from choclahontas but to spite MMB I told her I'm going to use it... I know, I know...the visuals...ugh...

So I'm really relaxed, happy and stress free...the job is going well and I'm happy to be back at work... the kids are manageable...I could pay all my bills and still had a hundred dollars left over till the next payday which means we can eat...and I start teaching next week, which I really love...

back to work...and other thoughts

good new, better news and bad news...
bad news...I may not get the retro check I was counting on...I hope so, I ran up almost nine hundred dollars on my interest-free credit card in anticipation of that money...
good news...I can still work five days, the site manager got approved for a social worker for seven hours a week and she named me...yea
better news...I got a raise and thought it was my state raise, but it wasn't, it was a agency raise, so I still get a state raise (and hopefully that g*ddamn retro check)...

too much information (TMI)...I started taking Metamucil on a regular basis...after the initial bloat the shit started flowing...its weird to shit everyday and not strain...will it result in weight loss? I wonder, but don't care...

moodmagicbarb was angry that I shared her text...I wasn't poking fun, but she is so cute...never mind she reads my blog and I can't read hers...can't find it either, the bitch...
She had a wonderful first day of school...I think this will be a better year...

Tunner is back in my bed, but she's at the laundry washing some clothes, sheets and her nasty comforter...she is truly a night owl...
She has agreed to view an apartment in the boogiedown on Friday...it was recommended to us by a friend and is supposed to be eight hundred to eight fifty a month in a private house...we will be taking a collection for the security deposit in order to save my sanity...thanks...

pita pulled rank and would not turn tunner over last night, making choclahontas wait till this morning at seven...I love my kid, but right is right and wrong is wrong...she's not really talking about it, but hearing both stories, and knowing my child, it seems she took all day to pick him up, and pita got vindictive...
whatever...

its not my child and I only intervene when tunner is stressed or someone has the potential to get hurt...

so I'm off to bed...I love going to work...the vacation was beginning to wear on my nerves...

vacations over...

back to work and school...Moodmagicbarbie and I are actually happy...choclahontas is not as she is just faced with being alone...
MMB gets very anxious and needs to accomplish her personal list in the order she has determined. On the top of the list was getting her nails done.
While I was witnessing the Sun get his orange belt (for which I'm very proud) I got a seris of text:
*OMG...kan u plz hurry up nd pik me up bcuz nobody wants 2 go anywhere!!!!*
I replied that I was in Yonkers and couldn't get to her...and we could get the nails done tomorrow if it gets to late
*NO WE R NOT 2MORROW!!!!!!!!!IS THE LAST DAY b4 school I need to exfoliate nd u need 2 do mii hair...I NEED this done 2day*

Exfoliate? what the hell...

So her and her friends walked over the bridge (without choclahontas) and got the nails did...

she texted me later and asked if her and the girls could go to the movies...I said I really don't have the money...
the response:
*its okay ma no pressure...I'm in a gud space rite now, I can't wait to go home nd exfoliate myself, clean mi room, nd then 2morrow u can do my hair*

you gotta love her...

choclahontas is being twenty...baby is spending the night with pita and she has gone clubbing...yes, on Sunday- but I guess tomorrows a holiday...

I got a lead on a one bedroom for 800...she wants to see it...but she told MMB that I'm putting her out because MMB complain about how choclahontas talks to me...whatever...

I really love these girls...they are funny...but I wonder how to have a relationship with choclahontas once she moves out...you see I don't visit folks often, and I don't ever want her to feel that I have totally abandoned her when I don't come to her house often...they sure don't write the book on these stages in life...you find tons of literature on the early years, but once they hit eight it all but dries up...you find a few things on preteens, then the literature dries up completely ...

I have to be honest, I really don't want her to move out and wish she could be more organized...we could go so much further if we do it together, but I know she can't grow while living in my house...
Maybe MMB and I will move to a smaller apartment for less rent...

to continue...

I told her today "though I love you madly, you have to make a choice, if your ADHD is as bad as you say, then you have to get medication to help you focus and learn strategies to survive...if that's not the case, then you ARE being lazy and taking advantage in which case you have to move out"...she is ready to go, but scared, as was I when I was faced with raising her...
You are all right, but I had to get to this point...I believe in cooperation. I feel folks can go much further if they work together...but she is lazy, and now has taken to the club scene...its ok when tunners with pita, but not okay when he's here...
she traipsed out of here looking like a straight hooker...riding the train by herself...I got her to at least put on sneakers to travel...
I really don't expect her to be me, or NOT to have any fun, or not to go out, but she has to balance it with being there for the baby...
I am a nurturer and know that she will not be responsible as long as she is with me...but like you outgrow your friend or man, we've outgrown each other..she needs to know that if she doesn't wash the tub, it wont get clean, or if she doesn't wash the dishes, they wont clean themselves...
So I will start looking on craigslist, she pays me 850 now, so I know she can afford that...I will have to put the apartment in my name cause she does not have credit or a job...

on another note, this dude I've been speaking to from craigslist is very interesting...he claims he is a pilot for a private company...He was able to back it up...I wonder how much of what he says is true...I will fill you in later cause now I'm tired...