...although I almost had a panic attack on the train yesterday...blew me away...havent had a panic attack since MMB was about six or seven...have no idea what brought it on...maybe cause folk around me are stressing and I picked up their vibe...hyperVbarb is slowly coming back from suddenly losing her father...
it's interesting...me and MMB were talking about death...when I was younger I was terrified of dying...not death itself, but what happens after...do you feel yourself floating, it it like sleeping...when I had my accident I guess I came pretty close to death (or when I almost drowned when I was a child...in the ocean people, in Jamaica...remember?) but it was weird...it was just nothingness...something like having major surgery...when I had my operation on my leg, which was six hours, I was awake, then I was walking up (with tubes down my throat...whew, that was NOT cute)...but we were talking about losing the parents...it's so hard to say how you will react...I've had my close peoples pass, but I know it's nothing like having your folk go...but we have such healthy and happy relationships with one another, I think we will celebrate their life...they will be missed, but I think they will always remain alive...
so my last post, coupled with weird dreams, and folks around me dropping like flies, I was pretty happy to have thwarted the panic attack...I remember when MMB was a newborn, I was going somewhere on the train and I felt it overtake me...I told the person sitting next to me that I was having a panic attack and if anything please hold the baby...they looked at me like I was crazy and changed seats as soon as they were able...now what if I was really crazy...whatever...God was on my side and I made it to my mothers house in one piece...
but I have no reason to be stressed...life is going really well...but I have this nagging feeling that something big is going to happen...I keep getting visions of tornadoes and planes falling from the air...I do know it won't affect me or mine and I do know that no one I know will die...I haven't watched the news since the Pope left, so I don't know what's been going on...I keep saying that I've been falling asleep on the news so maybe I am internalizing it...but one of the times I had this I had the accident and the other was 9/11...so needless to say I'm a bit concerned...
but moving on...thanks to my folk who made me feel a little better about myself...I am really hard on myself sometime...I do wish my butt was bigger, my eye straighter, my arms smaller...maybe I'm feeling down cause I'm hitting forty...but I always said my life was going to begin at forty...I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to enjoy life...hopefully in this decade I will marry (having never married) or at least find my soulmate...
but I do have a good life so I really can't complain...this summer I will be able to pay off some major bills, so I will be financially stable, choclahontas is settling into her grown up life and my MMB is doing WONDERFULLY...she made the honor roll for the third time in a row and got into her first pick high school...she is settling down so much I might have to change her name...I'm really proud of the teenager she has become...she is responsible, works hard in school (um, I'm lying...she does nothing...can you imagine her grades if she really put in an effort), and is working on tuning down the attitude...
so all in all I'm good...my hair curled just right today, I looked cute and got to walk...choclahontas tried to play me, but I got something for her...I took the baby so she could do laundry...I told her I was not keeping him for the night...so when I bring him back at 8:30, she's just putting clothes in the washer...with the BLOB...ugh...I told her that's fine I will take him cause he was off the hook, but she has to come get him when she's done...she curled her lip, but oh well...I spent time with him and will have him from here on out cause he's starting school at my job on monday...so I will get my tunnertime...
so that's my rant for tonite...I do feel better...hope it wasn't too twisted for you the reader (if I actually have readers-which I don't care one way or another)...
In One Week...
9 years ago
1 comment:
Are you really turning 40 this year? Shit, I'm old. My baby sister, the cute little one in the orange gingham bassinett with the yellow rickrack that I helped put together. "BrotherSisterCoolie's coming, mama!" I would say. I remember the big belly... the sudden pang of jealousy I felt one day when I hauled off and kicked her dead in the stomach. Ma freaked... I think it was the first time I ever saw her really mad at me. Wow. That was 40 years ago. Dang I'm old. See how I make it about me? LOL. Family trait....
If it's any consolation, bodyimageissues notwithstanding, you damn sure don't look your age. And you did great by your girls... and with far less understanding from me than you gave to me when it was my turn.
I do hope though, that your dreams are just you internalizing stuff, and not any thing else. But I'll be careful and listen to weather reports :).
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