good bye 2010

my last post of the year...
what a year, what a decade...i graduated college and grad school...poppy got sick...almost died twice and lost his leg...but he's here...my grandson was born...my mom is still my ride or die...i've moved three times...choclahontas has moved out and is living her own life and has survived her early twenties by the grace of god...MMB has grown and is now a wonderful and smart 16 year old...love has escaped me but i'm completely over the idiot...however i did find happiness, if even for a moment and i will cherish that till the day i die...i've remained healthy and have lost weight...my sister has had some major ups and downs but remains on her feet...
i look forward to the new year and the new decade...i wonder what the creator is going to send my way...
have a happy new year for those out there...i hope the year brings all joy and happiness, wealth and health, peace and compassion...
till next year...

yeah so I'm walking away...i can't and won't change folks minds...i know why he does what he does...and yes the physical connection is an issue, more for him than me...but it's all good...he is a step closer to the complete package...but honestly i promise im not doing this shit again...i just can't...and won't...
i knew it was done when i insulted him...it gets to a point where you want to lash out...i don't like that point...cause then i want to explain and apologize...then i dig a deeper hole and start acting out of character...i become whiney and naggy and that's not me...idiot got me to that point...i hated it but i so wanted to explain myself but he didn't care...i find that folks then hold on to that and miss the bigger picture...
so i walk...i loved hard, enjoyed myself, will love my memories, but it's put in a box and up on a shelf...next...

i can't deal with my sisters situation...i just can't...but im there for her so i have to buck up and face it...cause that's what sisters do...sigh...

but overall my life is good and im happy...i will always look on the bright side...i will not let the negative suck me under....there is so much negative in the world i will not contribute to the madness...

it snowed...it was absolutely beautiful...the world was white and silent...makes me long for the country...i really want to see vermont in the winter...i know it's harsh but i want to experience it...

so that's it for the day...i have no great thoughts or reflections...im just living and am glad i woke up this morning...

omg omg...

...life is so full of ups and downs, ins and outs..,
i had two really good conversations with the bear...i love him...and im gonna love him...even if we don't ever have a relationship...he gave me great things...he made me see things about myself...and the time we spent was something ive always wanted and totally enjoyed...i will cherish our time together with no sad, bitter, or angry feelings...it wasn't lust, but true love...i'm so blessed to have had this at least once in my life...
i can't and won't speak for him but i believe that despite what he says there is a twinkle in his heart as well...i just hope fear doesn't hold him back...cause i know i can, and will, give him the pure joy he gives me...but if it's not to be then it's ok...cause the memory will live with me forever...and i'm ok with that...
it's funny, i'm not sad...really...my heart is full of joy and happiness...regardless of what happens...except for the first day i really haven't cried...i just celebrate the time we shared...the pure beauty of it...

love is a funny thing...it can be something that passes in a flash...it can be long lasting...but i feel love is based on trust and friendship...being there...sharing commonalities...the first person you call when____________...you fill in the blank...it's not about sex, or lust, that comes later...but feeling true comfort and peace when you are in the presence of that person...sometimes you feel is for your best friend or your partner...but it's for us to open our heart...once love is established, the passion will follow...

my sister is having one of the worst times in life she's ever had...i feel for her but there is absolutely nothing i can do to help make her situation better...but i know in my heart the creator will come through in the 24th hour...he didn't bring us this far to have us fail or fall...

my life is bipolar

one day im happy, next day im sad...the common thread however is anger...
im very amenable and generally go with the flow but i realize i hate when folks make a decision for me without consulting me and impose that decision...
bear is not the end all and be all...he has a lot of issues...issues that i questioned i could live with...but we both wanted the same things, liked the same things, and seemed to have a genuine connection...but he made a decision that he didn't have a spark...so what about me...guess that didn't fit into the equation...
i don't like being rejected, mostly because even when i have to reject someone i never do it to hurt their feelings, or put them down, or make then question themselves...

but it's funny what folks say they want, and what they actually want...i really hate when folks contradict themselves...but im not one to skew things to make me look good or like the victim, even on a blog that no one reads...
bear said he wanted love, companionship, a strong smart woman...he did tell me early on that he didn't feel "that way" about me...but as time went on that seemed to change...then he told me sorry I don't feel "that way" and never will...but what pisses me off was prior to that he was telling me otherwise...verbally and by his actions...
he told me to open...be me...he would be there...well that shit was a lie...thank god we didn't consummate the relationship cause i think i would totally go off on him...
but i hate liars...and once i see you are lying i really have short patience for you...but most of all i hate to be rejected, especially when i was being the best me possible while retaining me...i didn't become what he wanted, or what i thought he wanted...i stayed me...
but that's my issue not with bear, but with myself and the creator...

im mostly mad at the creator for having love and companionship pass me by...im in my forties and i don't think i will find love...true love...by this point folks have kids, baggage, issues...they have learned and perfected game playing, lying and manipulation to get what they want...i will have no parts of it...
but all i wanted in life was what my parents had...48 years of someone you could be your true self with...someone who would stand in your corner no matter how bad you acted...someone who you trust with your life...cause i know i would give that person that plus more...
but the creator had other plans...he made sure my kids grew up without a father...that i struggled alone financially and emotionally...that i faced each day or problem alone...fending for myself...

i don't think i deserve this shit...im a good person...no matter what i give my best to each person i meet and deal with...i believe when no one else does...i try my hardest to be the best person possible for me and my girls...but apparently that didn't win any points with the creator...
cause here i am...dumped...again...not good enough...

so life moves on...i will dwell, aspire, and continue to be the best me possible...i will continue to grow and achieve but i will tell you this...i was happy being by myself...i can't take the stress of the emotional roller coaster of relationships...so i happily will sit on the rock and sun myself by myself...this way i don't have to deal with this bullshit...

is happy...

im glad i decided to fight for love...sometimes i pretend to like folk, or love folk but what i felt this last time was nothing i ever felt before...it was confusing, strange, comforting, peaceful...
i decided that i was going to love...regardless...im not saying it's all peaches and cream but our last few times together makes me happy that i fought for love...but this fight is not about win or lose, but about acknowledging a feeling that is undeniable...
i'm not foretelling the future, im just going to live one day at a time...and hopefully i will look up and ten years would have past...
but today i love the belly laughs, the songs, the movies, the peace when we are together, the stories, the knowledge, the flow of energy, the knowing what the other is feeling...im not going to worry about tomorrow...

arrrgh....

i wish folks were like me...when im mad i yell curse...i get it all out so folks can respond...we can figure it out together...but when it's over, it's over...im done...i hate having the same argument over and over again...if we keep talking bout the same shit that means 1. we're not right for each 2.the communication is really not good 3.it's time to move on...
im too old to be trying to change folks mind to see my point...even if i am right...smh...

so im moving on...i like bear but i think he's right...there is no spark...i like him for what i like him for but i need touch and cuddles...shit i've been with guys who are into me and i can tell the difference...it sucks that he didn't give it a chance but hey, the creator sent him into my life i trust that the creator will send in someone just as special if not waaaaay better...the bear was a dress rehearsal for better things to come...

but as he did nothing terrible...well, he showed his natural ass as did i, but in the grand scheme of things it was very mild...i will remain his friend...we all need good friends in this cold ass world...

so that ends that chapter...

next...

a few months ago i turned down a job due to the poor pay...they called me this week to offer me a higher position paying waaaay more money...i actually like the organization but couldn't stomach the pay...so im actually hoping this works out...and im still considering getting a second masters in special education...i know so much about special needs children...

as far as my love life...i have one boyfriend a year...ugh...it takes me months to recover and realize that all men arn't asshole...sigh...but they are...sigh again...anywho...glad that's out of the way...next time i think ima stick to my first mindset which is NO MEN...NO RELATIONSHIPS...i'm really happy when im by myself...no drama, no emotions, no bullshit...

ahhhhhhh...back to peace and doing me...

hey blog

life is moving...i'm so confused by the bear, his actions, my feelings that i'm just going to let it flow...it will either empty into a pond where it will be stagnant or into the ocean, full of life, adventure, ups and downs...

sometimes i feel things...things that i know are not me...i act out these feelings wondering why in the hell im doing this...but it's not me...i become a vehicle for others...allowing them to express/act in ways that they are afraid to, unable to, or just not conscious of...

this is why i make a hella therapist

but in my personal life its hard...this is a gift from the creator...not something i chose, or like or most times want to deal with...

with the idiot i KNEW it wasn't me...but he would tell me "that's you with that shit", "you're being dramatic" or "you are imaging things"...but i was right...down to the minute...so now im hyper vigilant...the struggle then becomes am i feeling this because im digging? thinking too hard? or is this really it...

like my sister said, i see the red elephant and i can't understand why no one else see's it...smh...but being a therapist i know i can't make anyone see it...they have to see and acknowledge it on their own...

so if im so great why is my life not the best ever you might ask...the answer is because i need that person who sees my red elephant...i see him but don't always acknowledge...that folks is the dialectic of life...we need others...we can't do this alone...no matter how much we think we can...

bear saw my red elephant...i really appreciate the things he showed me...talked about...make me look at myself and my interactions...how my need and want to care hampered the people i was trying to care for...

so it's ok if we don't work...trust he was not perfect...however i cherish the lessons and time...i just find it odd that i won't let go without a fight...usually i just walk away...turn off the faucet and keep it moving...but for some reason i feel like this is something i don't wanna let go of...
its not cause im getting older, or im lonely, or i feel this is my last gas...cause none of these things are true...i can't explain it...its a driving force...is it him? me? idk...

but i'm not destroyed...i just shake my head that folks don't see what they have...now im FAR from perfect but i know im a good person and i know that he gives me what i want and i can give him what he says he wants...by me just being me...unless he really wants something else...i consciously live my life that way...like the white witch in Alice in Wonderland...i strongly believe that what you put out comes back on you double...

sis says im working too hard...that is should be easy...it's not hard...but sometimes folks just need to trust that folks will not turn their back...especially if it's something that's happened to them all their life...
should people like that never get love? cause is takes a little effort? i don't think so...i believe everyone deserves love and happiness...it doesn't cost a thing...

so these are my thoughts for the day...

I have decided....

...that i really like NOT dating...folks these days are so full of game and bullshit...they say they're not, but lord in the sky they are...game...
i've never been a game player and will never play THE game or a game...take me as i am or leave me the hell alone...
i really don't wanna make this post or my blog a grip vehicle but sheesh folks annoy me...
and the joke is i always figure it out...i know the game and intention behind the game and the action...smh...
so for those who think you got over...you didn't...the last laugh is on you cause i know the dirt behind the dirt...the real reason...the things you're hiding and gappling with...

sadness....

i'm not even sure I want to bear my soul on this blog...I live life outloud but i have a funny way of not revealing what I really feel inside...

things came to a crashing end with me and the bear...i'm so so sad...but being ever hopeful i pray that it can be resolved and we can get back together...
he says there is no spark...he tried to give it time, but the spark never happened and never will...however he loves spending time with me, i'm a beautiful person, etc etc...

im confused...

im refraining from analyzing the problem and taking him and his words at face value, although i strongly believe otherwwise...

there are private things i wont disclose here but i will say that he thought i was angry at him and believed i was going to dump him...so he dumped me before i could break up with him...i understand...cause i do the same thing...

after texts back and forth...more from me than from him...i was able to see him to face to face...i didn't want to cause all my feelings came tumbling out...we sat in the car and i talked and cried for an hour in front of his job...something i told him i didn't want to do but he insisted...he listened and the few times he talked his voice was husky (I refused to look at him)...I told him that he was something special and even if we never talked or saw each other again i was totally grateful for the time we spent together and would have love in my heart always...he wanted to hear this...i truly did not want to share...I told him i wanted our last night to be as beautiful as our first...I did not want to end a beautiful friendship with yelling, anger and bad feeling...I wanted to sit by the water but it was sunset and we would not have made the park before it closed...i suggested we go to eat and he chose the place we had our first meal...after dinner he told me that we would go out the following week...I'm am trying so hard to not text him and so far I'm successful...i only texted him once...and stalked his fb page onetwothree times...lol...

so i'm taking it day by day...life does move on and if it's not ment to be i will be ok...cause i know the creator closes a door but opens a window...i also believe that our life path is pre-written but we always have a choice of path to take at every turn...I'm confident that it will work out...so i know that if i lose a bear I will gain what and who i need...but i like the bear...

but on another note, I've determined that the internet and facebook in particular is a very dangerous thing...bear and i had our misunderstanding but it was between us...but with facebook the situation got blown out of proportion...he made comments, i made comments, he deleted me and my family, i deleted all his pictures and he deleted mine...but the issue with fb is that is real easy to act in the heat of the moment, to write how you feel in 160 characters from the safety of your bed, office, phone, computer...once you post or delete it's done...and everyone knows it...i check his page, im sure he doesn't check mine, but i wont ever friend him...i think its the best if we do have a relationship in the future...

i don't know what to do...

...i'm two paychecks away from disaster...i have a car note, car insurance, high rent, a loan at the credit union that need immediate attention...unemployment wont cover it...i have a job but they are dragging their feet giving me cases...
so i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to make money...i've worked for myself before and i'm not scared...i owned a beauty salon and i did family day care...i actually like doing family daycare and being a social worker i have an advantage...BUT, and there is almost always a but, my apt won't qualify...it's too small and i live on the second floor of a walk-up...
so i could not pay rent and move to an acceptable apt...hustle for the few months it will take to get my business online...
with my experience with children, especially delayed children I can really give the kids something...and parents will pay...
i don't want to rely on other people...i hate it...
so that's my thought for the day...

time...

i look up and it's been weeks since i last posted...time sure does fly...
i love my bear...he told me to not say those words cause it puts him under pressure to say it and he's not ready...i told him i don't care if he feels it or not but i love him as a friend and companion...we've been friends, talking on a daily basis and hanging out, for about four months...according to him we've been "talking" "dating" "seeing each other" for a month...but i knew he was my soul mate on our bearhunts in nature...he took me to the most beautiful spots...
i'm good for making folk my soulmate or "falling in love" cause i wanted too...i know i did this...but with him it just happened...out the freaking blue...trust me i was not thinking about this dude...not at all...i met him about two to three years ago at bigbears show- he sang- and i didn't give him a second look...don't even think i talked to him...
this guy is kind, caring, considerate...yes he's a slight pain in the ass and but in a good way and totally not perfect...but his qualities totally outweigh anything that is not "perfect"...
but most of all my kids approve...mmb especially...and she' a tough audience...lol...

so that's where my life stands...look like i'm getting this job that pays ahellamore than the charter school and i think i will like it better...there are a few things i need to master but overall im comfortable...

so all in all i have no complaints...thank you Lord...

water

as water is ever changing
so is my life

water ebbs and flows
so do my feelings

water envelopes
surrounds you
with soft
but strong
current

that's how
i will be
for you
surrounding you with love
holding you close
with strong arms

water can be destructive
but without it
we will die

water can be tamed
but at the same time
leak out at will
doing what it wants

same as love
touch
feeling
ebbing
flowing

water is a necessity
just like love

water is beautiful
as you are

change

is scary as hell...and when it comes at you all at once it's just down right terrifying...and it's coming at me at once...
bear is helping me with change...he lets me know that I deserve a life, to be happy...yes sister tells me that as does bigbear, but they're supposed to say that...they are family (even tho my fam does not hold their tongue)
bigbear is handling poppy and his stuff...chocolahontas is so far away i can't bail run to her rescue and bail her out...MMB is happy as shit that i'm not interfering with her life as much...
so where does that leave me? i feel like i don't have a purpose in life...my family does not need me...bear won't let me do for him or his daughter...i feel so useless and unloved...cause if i'm not providing why would folks wanna be around me?
but i do have a lot to offer the world i know...and maybe now is the time where i can put a hundred percent into my work, my teaching...loving the people around me...
my family accepts me cause they have too, but what's strange but wonderful is bear accepts me to...oh yes, i do annoy him, don't get it twisted, but we talk about it...he is so wise beyond his years...
so on this extremely hot day i ponder the changes in my life...for the first time ever in my life i am going away for the weekend, leaving behind my family...i will celebrate my day of fasting away from my family...
for the first time in life i have someone who, in the four months I've been dealing with them, has not changed, has stayed true to their word...
for the first time in life i am free to be me...craziness and all...me...
change is powerful, good, scary...i'm having to make new relationships and changes...to let go, to relinquish power, authority...to let others change and grow...
but surprisingly i am not too scared of change with bear by my side...in his straightforward way he puts it bluntly on the table...much in the way i do with others...i often can't argue with him cause he's right...
so slowly i am accepting the changes in my life...allowing someone else to be in charge...trusting that all will make good decisions and i won't have to pick up the pieces...
change is good...healthy...and i'm slowly embracing it...

it's been a month

and so much has happened...chocolahontas had to run for her life with the clothes on her back...but bad things happen for good reasons...she's in a shelter in a secure undisclosed location (i don't even know where she is) and she's good...learning things that she had a hard time grasping...spending lots and lots of quality time with her son...for the first time ever...
MMB is growing into a wonderful young lady...she's kind of in the rebellious stage but in comparison to most i can't complain...
the job ended...ugh...i won't even go into that...i'm on a mini paid vacation but hopefully my new job will start in the next week or two...
my bear...he's growing to like me as much as i like him...and i like him lots...he's the first that ive really gotten to know before i "claimed" him...i'm not pretending to like him and i don't have to make him into what i want him to be...he is...yes he has his issues, as do i, and can sometimes be annoying with the little things...but it's nothing that i would want to leave him for...i can see myself with him for a very long time...

I deleted bear but he was not having it...at all...refriended me within hours...and was pissed...shit...me and my rash moments...i hope i didn't ruin anything...
i do things sometimes...i have a legitimate rationale but it hurts folks...i hate to hurt folks...even an ant...i hate to cause pain...even at my own expense...yeah, i know i need to stop that...it's a hard habit to break...

anyway...i have an interview on monday...really like what's posted but may have an issue with losing the school calendar and the six weeks of vacation...damn...

but no investigation no right to speak...im going in with a clean mind...no preconceived notions...

bear...omg...i LIKE him...i really have never liked a person so much...i can make myself like someone...that's why i can dump them with no afterthought cause i didn't like them to begin with...but i LIKE him...and from this last thing and the things he told me i cautiously will say he likes me too...he is everything (so far) i wanted idiot to be...i NEVER had someone who liked the woods like me...who was ok watching bunnies and deer in the meadow...

I pray this works out...yes, im admitting it...no one is to mention this in real life...please...i'm in emotional turmoil as it is...

well i'll let you know how it goes...

i like writing on my blog...it's ok that i have no followers and probably no one reads it...but i can write and reread...it's my therapy...
usually when i don't write is when things are rocky...i keep my thoughts in my head...but when i die no one will be able to open my head and get my thoughts out so i'm trying to put things on paper...

i guess this comes from when i was a little girl...i love my fam but i remember being teased for crying or being upset...in a fun not mean way, but i didn't like it none the less...or having it thrown in my face later...if i had a moment, let it lay...i know what i did and i don't need to be reminded...
so anywho, when im feeling the most shitty i tend to disappear...right in your face...

i know that other people have it worse, but this is my reality...what i live with...fuck other people cause my reality sucks...i don't wanna hear well it's bad and then hear their story...i wanna vent, be upset, and maybe get some empathy...just for a moment...but that never happens so i do it for myself...
but sitting in bed, in the quiet, i hopefully can put down what i'm thinking...without having to explain myself, wondering and worrying that i'm hurting feelings...

so today i feel like a total failure...today...tomorrow i might feel differently...but tonite as i sit in my bed i feel this way...for a moment i don't wanna look on the bright side...cause that bitch looks mighty cloudy...my job sucks ass and is ending in three weeks...i will get paid for an additional two paychecks then im in deep shit...i have a credit union loan that pulls 250 a month...i have a car loan that's 350 a month, which i'm beginning to see i can't afford the car..but who's gonna buy it?...plus rent that's 1258...i don't want a hand out or even someone to bail me out or as i joke a husband just to pay half the rent...i just want a fucking job that pays enough to cover my bills...one job...i'm so tired of working three and four jobs to make ends meet...i went to school...i have a masters...a license...two licenses for crying out loud and that shit seems like it means nothing...

so bossbitch hired a young white social worker...now i'm not prejudiced at all...matter of fact i actually hate everyone equally...lol...but i take folks as they come...but this "afrocentric" black chick threw me under the bus for a young white chick...damn...what does that mean? i feel like my work, what i stand for, what i put out for our kids to succeed means nothing...to the school, to the world...
i'm sad i can't give these kids what i know they need...im the only one who feels like they need this...
so i'm out in the cold...having to prove my track record...but at 42 i don't have a track record...not on paper anyway...go ask the corner boys...the ghetto girls...can i parade them in the interview? would anyone take their word? of course not...so i feel like shit...like my work means nothing...i'd love to write, to consult, but i need to pay that loan, the car note, the rent...the stress of being homeless or almost homeless is completely overwhelming...i can't be in that position with that over my head...

bear...i really really like him...he's not my type, has health issues, has issues...but i like him...he's educated, interesting, and most of all shares my passion for nature...BUT...he's jaded, wounded, careful...and he expressed to me in the beginning he "doesn't see me that way"...but then he conceded that he feels the same way i do...huh?...i'm confused...but i do have a habit of putting more into a situation, reading things that are not there...looking at intent and not reality...so i deleted him...from facebook, from my phone, from my life...i can't...i'm very sad...but i can't...im not jaded and take everyone as they present themselves to me...but i lived through idiots "just let things flow" "just leave it be" while he was fucking everyone and bought a house with the third...no thanks...
but i'm glad i totally embraced the moment...let him and the world know how i feel...screamed it to the world through song and admiration...i wouldn't change that and will do it again...it's how i felt in the moment and i'm proud to have shared that...

so that leads me to me...am i that undesirable? am i really ugly and no one wants to tell me? i lost 29 pounds for me, with more to go...but damn...i get my shout outs in the street, but i guess since i'm not 20, tall, light skin with a big butt and long hair it's over for me...sigh...i resigned to not having a life partner...it's actually ok...i don't have to worry about whether my soft squishy body is unattractive, or if he's wandering, or lying, or anything else men do...i will have a life...go places...do things...but walking in the woods is not quite as fun when you're alone...besides my roll dog no one is interested in what i'm interested in...but one day she's not gonna be here...and i feel like i'll be all alone...my kids don't seem to give a fuck...i don't understand how i raised such self centered kids...i'm so not like that...

so my gripe fest is almost over...i actually don't feel better but i know a good night sleep changes everything...

maybe i need to increase my metformin...i cut the dose in half cause my body was telling me that it was too much after my weight loss...

well thanks for listening cyberworld...maybe tomorrow i'll feel better...i promise to tell you...

how cool is this

I haven't posted cause I'm just not on the computer but I got this awesome phone that let's me post....I just need to get used to the keyboard...its a new experience...
Well guys the bear is an awesome person...he's not my type at all and has health issues but he is what I've always looked for...it doesn't matter if we never hook up cause I know what I'm looking for is out there...
We hike, take walks watch the animals...I feel so safe and at peace when I'm next to him...
He sings native tribal songs to me and shares so much...
So no matter what happens in the future I'm going to enjoy what this moment is offering me right now...

Im a bundle of confusion...don't know if I'm coming or going...men are weird, jobs have nothing to do with work and everything to do with games...I have money going faster than I can keep track...sigh...i'm not happy...
I like tiny, I do, but his words "I don't see you like that, I tried but I just don't" reverberate in my head...even tho we have had some beautiful days, I can't let that go...in the past I've overlooked those words and went with the action and got burnt...i realize that most men will take what ever is thrown their way regardless if they really want it or not...all this to say i'm backing the fuck up...believing his initial words...we can go camping, trailwalking when ever but i'm not putting anything else into it...one day i'll find the perfect man who has the qualities of tiny but who will see me and like me...i'm not here to convince anyone to like me...did that with idiot and ten years later i still got screwed...broke and screwed...no thank you...
the job...sigh...i need a new one ASAP...by july the latest...no vacation for me...i wonder why i gotta work so fucken hard all the time...i did all the right things and still i struggle...
so now i'm officially depressed and headed to work...

life moves so fast that I don't have the time to sit and think, never mind write...I can't update you on everything, but just to say the job isn't working out...I'm not being invited back for the next school year...listen, i don't know it all, but I know what I know and I know my kids...inner city, ghetto, minority...what ever you wanna call them...i know them...i approached from a clinical angle they wanted a social worker...oh well, fuck 'em...sorry the kids will lose...

Tiny...wow...he has clear boundaries and limitations that i respect but am finding it harder and harder to keep...can I say soul mate? physic connection? for real? wow...i just wanna ride in his pocket...curl up on the soft soft of his belly...but i know that sometimes your soul mate is not the one you end up with...sigh...can i tell you that he CAME OUT THE BLUE...holy shit...wasn't thinking bout him AT ALL...not even a little bit...didn't even know he noticed me except for the occasional bearstare i would get...

so, i'm at a cross roads...birthday's coming up, new job, new life, new friends, probably a new house soon cause the rents gonna go up and i won't be able to afford it...but i'm not worried or scared...especially with a bear behind me, watching...
life is good...

interesting how life turns...so before i was wondering about shortywop and i guess trying to make it work, then out of the dust comes Tiny...now he is extremely far from tiny but it's our "joke"...native, crazy, and did I say crazy? it's interesting cause 1. i'm not thinking bout relationships 2. damn sure not thinking bout him and 3. he popped out of the blue...
now i'm not putting anything on it at all but others noticed today when I walked up how he beamed like the light was turned on...i've NEVER had anyone mark me...kinda like sis who had bigman mark her...now they are the teletubbies...lmao...
but it started with him checking on me cause i was sick...never had that...he inboxed me his number...never had that...he invited me and the clan to his rehearsal...NEVER HAD THAT...and then told me I'm going to the auto show...it was kinda "are we going tuesday or wednesday" type thing...
MMB likes him...told me with no prompting...even with our six year difference...usually i'm told to stay in my age range and stop looking at the young boys...lol...but he is so wise beyond his years it's scary...
so, we will see what happens...oh did i mention we're psychic? twice one thought and the other texted...and i called him his college name...it just came to me...after a week or two of talking...scary...
so...when it's written its right...don't know if this is written but i'm definitely on new ground...

the start of spring...almost

down eight ave
up seventh...
cars thumping
bikes roaring

groups of
girls
guys
men
woman
intertwining
walking circles
preparing for
springs mating dance

down eight ave
up seventh
babies dressed to the nines
thousand dollar strollers
Gucci, Louie, uggs

weaves flowing
lines right
glitter bling
ready for spring

down eight ave
up seventh
baby mama drama
"I'ma kick yo ass bitch"

5 0
slow go
mascato flowing
blunts glowing
skunk, haze
puts you in a daze

down eight ave
up seventh
profiling
styling

"who's dat"
nails done
engines hum
looking right
knots tight

down eight ave
up seventh
people streaming
getting ready
for summers heat
folks meet
greet

beefs forgotten
young bloods
fightin
flirtin
talking trash

down eighth ave
up seventh
the start of spring
ice receded
grass growing
blowing

getting ready
for summer strolls
down eight ave
up seventh...

i'm annoyed...

...somehow I feel like a game is being played...and i always get sucked into it...i hate games...conscious or unconscious...I do care deeply about people and when i feel i feel completely in the moment...but lord knows i can turn it off like a faucet...but i don't have time...at all...
so when ever i sense a game, i break out...i have too much other stuff to do and think about...
maybe that's why i'm single and have no issue with it...i don't have the tolerance...i see my friends and the bs they go through and i'm like really? i don't think so...
i love my garden over my bed, and my life, and even now my job...
taking this training in DV reminds me of the bullshit...i know every person can fall prey to the DV and i'll never say i won't or havent but man...i try real hard to stay on top of stupid people...
the minute i feel like you're pulling some power and control shit i'm out...
so my spidey senses are telling me there's bullshit...so i'm turning it off like a faucet and moving on...
however, i always give a chance...cause it could just be me...but i'm in no way making the first move...been there, done that and it didn't turn out nicely...
that's my rant for the day...
laaaaata

rambles...

hey I'm doing good with the writing thing...funny, I never wonder who reads it...don't care if no one reads it...I go back and reread what I write...it's refreshing to just write my thoughts freely without worrying bout watching what i say...not that I say anything hurtful...

I'm so happy to see my sis happy...she deserves it...i told her love would find her unexpectedly, and it did...bigman came out the blue...literally...but he's grown on her, and on us...shit, i even trust him with my car...my car is my man, my life, my love...

right now I'm the only woman in my fam without someone...even MMB seems to have a suitor...but I don't feel anyway bout that...i give all my love to the kids i work with...they need it more than anyone I could be with...

I don't have any regrets bout my life...I've made mistakes sure, and I've dealt with some folks that I even ask myself why...but overall I've progressed in my life...even in my zigzag way...i'm proud that I feel intelligent enough to apply to a PhD program...and I've said before I don't even care if I get in or not, but that I can apply...that I qualify...

I wonder where life will lead me next...I have dreams and wants...but i've learned that life and God gives you what you need...when you need it...

on another note I've decided to change names...moodmagicbarbie is starting to need a new name and shortywop is kinda disrespectful so i have to change that name too...and how funny is that, I care about showing respect even if they don't read this...sooooooo...ummmm, let me think...I don't know...MMB is still who she is, but I'll think of another name for my friend....ooooooo, I got it...gooddad, cause he's an excellent dad...

well that's done...I feel better...

I'm scared of relationships...i don't know what to do in them...i don't know how to date, i know how to be a wife, a companion, but not how to date...damn...i tried to practice but lost patience...i give way too much of myself too early, but then i decide i don't like someone and disappear...or then i like them and they don't like me so i disappear...damn...this man/relationship shit sucks...

so what do you do? I've never been one for games...even when I was in my prime...you either take me as I am or not...I mostly get the not...either the girls act like beybey's kids or the guy shows their ass and gotta go...but like sis says, and the movie "he's not that into you", if he likes you he'll knock down doors...I don't think I ever give anyone that chance...I guess that's where my insecurity comes in...I guess i wanna prove to them who I am and what I stand for before they go for the arm candy...ummmm....good insight professor...

OMG, this is too stressful...I like hiding in school...lol...

anywho...I hope things work out...or not...

well I've rambled enough for the night...
later...

sooooooo....

....life is moving forward...I paid an exurbanite amount of money to apply to the PhD program so it's real and I can't back out now...I am now officially a PhD applicant...

bigbear had a birthday...although she's a year older her mind, spirit, body and soul are still 29...lol...she's the bestest in the world...not to depress the moment or anything but when time and nature takes its course I will probably lose it...I'm so glad that's not gonna happen anytime soon...I love my mommy...

so my shortywop had a loss last week...I'm completely enjoying my virtual relationship with him in my mind...we do talk almost everyday, or we did cause I initiated it, but I'm backing off...if he likes me he will reach out...i really am working on not being so overwhelming...but i honestly just dont understand how, me being such a fabulous and wonderful person, WHY folks don't just aren't dropping at my feet...maybe I'm "lonely and miserable" like the idiot says...lol...or "nobody in their right mind would ever want to be with you" like my child tells me...I guess the consensus is that I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life...

ah, but I'm not lonely...my life is so full...and if I get into the program I won't have time for anyone...but once in a while a moment will happen that I wish I could have shared with someone...like today...a beautiful song was on, the sun was streaming through the window just so...i wish i could have had a dance at that moment...but I danced with myself...reflected on the beauty of the moment and moved on...I'm not hard to please...

but shortywop...think I might have an idea what makes him tick...he's an extremely loving and emotional person...but he's been hurt and has lost so I get the feeling he is really wary of giving himself again...it seems he wants love, to be married again...but the question becomes how jaded is he? can he really move on from the bullshit of the past to accept me or anyone else? cause I'm not even sure I the one for him...

but that makes me reflect on the emotional turmoil i went through with idiot...and it's super hard if they're kids involved...i was willing to settle for him because of the kids...but that didn't work...then i was out for revenge...that didn't work...then i was out for me...that didn't work either...i was never out for a father figure cause i'm the best mom and dad out there...then i was out for arm candy...that really didn't work...dumber than me, younger than me...not, not, not working...so now I'm back to just living...flowing like water...
wonder where he is on the journey...cause it is a journey...but i like him and am there for him as a friend cause he's really having a hard emotional time and i never leave someone when they're down...

soooooo, that's what I'm thinking in a nutshell...
lata

parenting...

is one of the hardest jobs in the world...especially if you are doing it alone...with choclahontas is was easier in a strange way...being adopted I had a lot of support from my parents...I guess cause she was thrown at me...but the little one? no...she never spent the night out...she was stuck under my ass 24/7...i didn't treat the two differently...just treated them according to their personalities and capabilities...
I thought i was parenting ok...but according to moodmagicbarbie I'm unbearable, I'm intolerable, I'm the worst person on earth...now most children do spew these words of hate to their parents but when you are one parent who does everything in their freaking power to make a good life for you and your children I find that totally disrespectful...
I'm not asking this child to worship the ground i walk on but shit, show some respect...i never forced her to show respect, I modeled respect...i said please and thank you...compromised...thought of my children first...
but this child is angry because i didn't give her a white picket fence and siblings her age...i can't send her on 500 dollar shopping sprees cause she's tired of her wardrobe and decides to throw it all away...throw away things I busted my ass to buy...
she thinks life here is hard...word? after i give you everything i have plus...yeah i spoil my children, but life is so hard I want them to know what unconditional love is so they wont find it in the arms of an asshole...i guess i overcompensated cause their father is such an asshole...
but you think this is hard?
child dances in my room at 10 to announce she's going out...now ordinarily she wouldn't go but she has her friend...so if she doesn't go, that leaves this child going home alone, in the snow..."but she travels at 3 in the morning alone" says the lovely charming child i have....but not on my watch...so yes, she goes...she was rude, belligerent and indignant cause how dare I...whatever she feels...if she kills herself I'm gonna be the cause...word?
so you know what? you can go...bye...you think I'm such a horrible person? you think you have it hard here? go...be a street child...know what hard is...scrapple for money...sleep six to a bed...be homeless for a while...maybe then you will appreciate what you have...
i don't have time for the bullhsit...this kid makes a decision to not talk to me or anyone else...i've set her up for therapy to give her someone to talk to, she won't go...i can't make her...then you know what? go crazy on your own time...you claim your so unhappy...go find happiness...maybe you'll find it at your friends house...i'm done...kid or not...there is no way ima allow someone to consistently put me down and disrespect me especially when I provide every fucken thing you own...
so when she's ready to understand what she has, and appreciate what she has, and shows me some respect I'll listen, but until that point you're on your own kid...cause you think you'll have a better life...good luck with that...

life's ha

I proclaimed to the world that I was applying to a PhD program...I did this so I would be held accountable..,so I half assed worked on the necessary paperwork...the deadline loomed and I know I wouldn't be ready...but I was checking something on the website and guess what? the deadline was extended....hahaha to me....so I finished...and I will submit my paper work....getting in at this point is not important but that I took on a task and completed it...yay go me...
I like my friend...he's as strange as me but it's ok...
well more later...

dear diary...

why am I so overwhelming? my whole life I've felt like I'm either on an interview or I'm having to tone myself down...interesting...here's a secret...when I'm nervous I go one of two ways...I'm either really overwhelming or I walk away...
when I meet and care for someone, friend, lover, I absorb them...I want to care for them...it's like they didn't exist before I met them...well in my view they didn't...and when I go it like that space and time has ended...like a star that's blown up and burned out...
now I have no problems with folks not liking me...cause i'm a strange one I admit...and I don't open myself to folk at all cause I know I will scare them, and I also know that i will give 100% or more...too many times i've been burnt...but each person I meet and "fall in love" with I know that they don't carry the baggage of the last...so each person gets a fresh start...
but I do it time and time again...I take over and scare folks...sigh...I'm like a bull in a china shop...and dammit if someone pet me I wouldn't break the plates and I could be lead out...
so I'm wondering if in my lovely way I've driven off someone I actually do like...in my brutally honest and overwhelming way...
if you just say through the exterior I'm a good person inside...
but I run into these issues...even at work...maybe I'm too particular...at work...I know I'm not the smartest, but i find that I put myself in situations where folks try to disregard my knowledge...that's why I went to college in the first place...they discount my ideas, but I notice that they will use it as their own at a later time...
so on one hand I'm overwhelming and on the other I don't fight...interesting...
well...writing this blog is therapeutic cause since I write it raw I can go back and reread many times what my thoughts were and try to figure out a solution...
but back to my friend...he's a sweetheart...I hope in no way I've insulted him or scared him with my man arms and overwhelming personality...cause that is not my intention at all...
but I'm so "out of practice" with men and relationships I just tend to be me...should I learn to play the "game"?...ugh...this is why I don't ever let myself get past the "flirting" stage...I just don't know what to do...I know how to be a wife...to cook, share, cooperate, delegate, care for you...I would do well in an arranged marriage...I wouldn't have to go through the other stuff...sigh...
oh well...
as for work, I've talked enough about it to see where I falter...so tomorrow I'm going in with a new attitude...I know it will work cause it's coming from me...

here I go again...

...I'm very blunt and out there...I feel there is nothing to lose by being honest and truthful...
we went to a club and celebrated bearmaiden and cuddlyteddybears birthday with the HS peeps...it was wonderful!!!!!! I danced with shortywop all night...I really like him...he has grown on me...he had a sexy new haircut and you all know how I feel bout my sexy haircuts...he seems to be into me but I don't know...I never second guess what someone is feeling or thinking...
so I told him at the end of the night that i was really really into him...he gave me a look but didn't go anywhere...we drove uptown cause bigman and bearmaiden have had my car all week...
he went home...I guess I could've pushed the issue and had him come upstairs but he nor I did and I'm glad for that...I find him a true gentleman...
but I had to reach out to him today and let him know that in fact I do like him and it wasn't the tequila talking...I got poked but no verbal response...I don't feel bad that he hasn't said anything yet...cause his immediate reply could be "uh, I'm really not feeling you" as have been some responses in the past...
but I feel good...and I like that I didn't jump into something...and I like that I actually was NOT thinking of him in anyway but my sisters friend and in about a year he's grown on me...
so slow and steady wins the race...I'm happy for that...I get the feeling that all's well that end's well...

vitural life...

...can be good and bad...yesterday I saw that a YOUNG child, whom i raised in the early formative years, said something very disrespectful about me on a post...i ignored the first comment, but the second and third comment were just too much for me to leave alone...
so I commented...then he commented...then his sister commented...and commented to all of them...then apparently they called my child with the bullshit...
but here's my dilemma...this is a situation where the idiot has raised his children to disrespect me...should I stand by and let this shit continue? if you read the thread his comments were extremely disrespectful where at one point he refers to me as "this nigga"...
i'm sorry...bullies get their strength from your silence...nasty comments were being made in the dark, in private, when i said something I looked "stupid"...but in black and white things are different...
so they pressured my child...she asked me not to respond cause it makes me look "stupid"...i will not respond for her sake, but is she serious? i used to be like that...not responding...just going along with the flow to not make a scene...but in my later years I realized it was bullshit...bullies get their strength from your silence and as long as you play the game they have you in their grips...
not me...i don't need them...i did not turn my child against them...their own actions did...so bottom line fuck them...
but I will NOT be disrespected by a bunch of teenagers and sit around and do or say nothing cause in my view then I look "stupid"...

2018

a special place
66 steps to the top
so many people
so many ghosts
so many memories

we were family
hot summer nights
tar beach parties
doors always open
flowing between houses

we were one
struggling together
huddling under blankets
pipes frozen
no water

lock on the door
borrowing lights
from the hall
borrowing sugar
salt
bread

you have
we have
come eat baby

bike shop
fights
making love
in every nook and cranny

babies born
Bo shot on the roof
Ms. Francis
Mr. O'Dell
Mr. Roberts

running fast
holding your nose
to get past
Ms. Calhoun's house
chitterlings and cat shit

Hardest Hard
the fire
newbies

how many stairs to the top?
you do this everyday?

we were proud
the Bikeshop boys
Beautika

Will
Curly
Red who murdered his wife
Judge D

never will it be
the same
again
2018

heaven and hell
66 steps to the top
gone forever
but never forgotten

Ms. Francis

a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she used to wear a wig
i told her once
she was too pretty
will mess up
her indian hair

from that day on
she wore a bang
and ponytail
black and silky

but she remained
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

never saw family
she came and went
first walking proudly
then with a cane
then stooped
like the weight
of the world
was on her shoulders

but she remained
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she always asked
after the family
the children
remarked how much
they grew

laughing behind
a delicate hand
a lady like giggle

always remaining
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

she died alone
with no one to care
but she will always remain
a classy woman
an old fashioned lady
sensible shoes
trench coat

my mouth

sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble...or should I say me personally...I can be so overwhelming...I can't help it...it's something I'm working on...I know I'm like a mushroom cloud that envelopes all...sigh...I scare myself...
I think i get it from bigbear...we just get so excited we just talk...but i'm not a gossip and i never talk about anything that isn't public knowledge...ever...i'm a strong believer in confidentiality even tho my life is an open book...
so it's not anything I might say in particular, but that i will talk someone to death...i have so much to say, and I love to hear folks stories...i love to get them talking...

i feel better about having reflected, processed and internalized my prejudices...i feel it has made me a better person...i truly hope no one was offended cause that is never my intention...

but can i tell you i like my friend? no matter what happens i feel so good at having put my stuff to the side and taken the time to dig deep...i just hope i didn't scare him...sigh...i just get so excited when i talk to folks as smart as me...i just wanna live in their pocket...lol...

anywho, i'm taking it one day, one minute at a time...i'm NOT gonna be my usual overwhelming self and just live...but i do look forward to spending more time with him...and that's something cause he actually got past the first line of defense on his own merits and not cause he fit my man mold or talked a mean but bullshit filled game...

so the job is ok...i had a bitchfit but it did make a difference...sometimes you do have to throw a bitchfit to get results...but believe me it was planned and executed to the minute...i should win an academy award...BUT it was from the heart and i ment every emotion and word i said...but i just never "lost" control...

so for today life is good...

reflections

poppy losing his leg got me to thinking...it got me to look at my own prejudices...i took informal polls...i thought....and i thought some more...

as i look back on my, thank God, short list of horrible men, i realized that i often overlooked important things, like intelligence, for a perfect physical specimen...right height...in proportion...no outstanding physical flaws...eyes symmetrical...hair line in the right place...although the last charmer had a "five head"...

so when poppy lost his leg i began to marvel at the power of love...although bigbear and i cracked some pretty cruel jokes about the situation, she never once even thought about leaving him because he lost his leg...he was no longer physically a perfect specimen...I think of a friend who met, married, bought a half million dollar house with, but who says her husband is ugly, not her type, and never will be her type...the love they display tells me that they will be together for a LONG time dispite the physical, and if they even broke up it that wouldn't be the cause...

but could I, would I, walk into a relationship with the physical flaws on prominent display...could I, would I, enter a relationship with someone who had one leg, who was in a wheel chair, who was shorter than me...someone who society deemed as "ugh"...

i really had to, and continue to, examine my prejudices...it is easy for me to tell my sister to love what God gave her and to not look at the package...she found everything she's looking for in a man that is a good fifty pounds overweight...I look at bigbear, who fiercely loves a man with many many missing body parts...could I, can I, open myself to someone who appears to have, at first glance, the qualities i'm looking for in a partner...the ONLY person my charming child has given a stamp of approval for...but who is shorter than me...

being five feet three, if someone is shorter than me, they are short...no way to cut it...

my view of men, my perfect man, is that he is to be taller than me...tall enough to wrap me in his arms and protect me, shade me from the sun...heavy enough so when I roll over I don't snap his bones, or crush him in his sleep, or send him flying into the wall when I give him a friendly but good shove...I can hear my friend say "I have a good umbrella to shade you, and it's okay if you smother me...I LIKE IT"...

so the prejudices are all mine...a friend said in so many words "I can't deal with a man who is boobie height"...well maybe some share my not so nice view...but it doesn't make it nice...and how does that person feel? the one who is ostracized by society? I often look at severely disabled adults and wonder will they ever have sex? have children? will anyone, besides their parents or sibling, see the beauty inside and love them for who they are? and here I am contributing to the madness...putting down people the very people i advocate for, telling people to look beyond the physical...being a hypocrite...

is it that i'm covering my own flaws? that if i'm with a shorter man, someone bordering midget status, that my lazy eye will stand out like a neon sign? will society see us as the short and the blind? will the jokes be cutting and cruel?

but in fact, i am the cruelest of them all...we all see odd couples...they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and issues...and when we see them how often is it that we are the only ones looking? that society is so engrossed with themselves that they don't notice...so why would I be so special to be pointed out...to be ridiculed...
am i so shallow that i will pass up what could be the man of my dreams because of my prejudices?

moving on...

I know that there is no perfect life and no perfect job but damn...can a sister be somewhere where she's appreciated? I realized what pisses me off about boss lady...she finishes my sentences with the wrong words/ideas...ALWAYS...
so i've decided to basically ignore her...do my job which is deal with the kids...and just do what she asks (if it makes sense)...she's so on a power trip i realize that until she's moved UP and away from me there is nothing i can say to make her see her ways...
so I'm moving on...

so Ive been talking to a guy, as friends, for a minute...he's a sweetheart...but he's shorter than me...and i'm tiny...so he's bordering on midget status...it's weird to me...i don't know if i can get over it...he's a true sweetheart...but idk...he and his son are coming over on friday to hang out so I'll see...but i told my sis and i must stick to my words "God sends you what you need, but not necessarily in the package you want"...so I promise to keep an open mind...
moving on...

i made a stand yesterday...i did not attend my stepdaughters daughters birthday party...i always feel uncomfortable and phony...they act phony...always talking about me behind my back but wanna give the big hello's then ignore me the rest of the function...i don't have to be a part of their lives and i don't wanna...not if i cant get the respect i deserve...but choclahontas went at the end...said they asked for me...whatever...mmb didn't go either...they don't go anything for her, but that's her issue and stance...i never stop her from being with the family...in fact i encourage it but she makes the choice not too...
so moving on...

today i feel good...money as always is an issue but i'm ok...and i have no complaints...im going to try to work on my analytical paper for the admission process and keep it moving...

I am extremely unhappy...

...this job is a hit or miss...I feel like the children...everyone is so stuck on "LEADERSHIP" that everything else falls to the wayside...
I ask for clarification on what I'm supposed or not supposed to do...the answer is always "check your job description"...ok BUT...and they NEVER answer my questions...and they tell me to talk to them in person and STOP sending emails...BUT...they are ALWAYS busy, never have time, look at their watches when we DO talk...
I feel like I have to dumb down cause it's the bosses show...I'm just there so they wont get cited...they say parent contact is a part of the job BUT when I say i want to talk to a parent I can't cause it's bosslady's job and I'm over stepping my boundaries...
they asked me to develop strategies for a child with ADHD and ODD...I did, but in writing it up I realized that it was deeper than just giving suggestions...so because I couldn't get a meeting with anyone I send this email:


Hello All,
I need assistance…coming from a clinical background I’m a bit confused with my role in certain areas…
For example:
I’ve been asked to develop social/emotional classroom strategies to assist Ms. teacher and point-people that work with child. Other teachers have approached me as well asking for specific strategies for specific children in specific situations…
There is no quick one page fix of strategies that I can hand out in a moments notice…I think of each child’s individual need/situation and environmental factors that contribute to the disruption when developing strategies…
In order for strategies to be successful there needs to be an explanation/conversation of said strategies and implementation…there needs to be an ongoing conversation on how the strategy is working and what needs to be tweaked…for those (like Ms. point person), there needs to be conversations based on the foundations of how/why/when strategies need to be implemented in order to achieve long term success…
When I approached Ms. teacher today with a quick overview and very basic interventions she expressed that she would rather receive the information in a few session course with other point people…she expressed she would like information on child development/OCD/ADHD/hard to reach children, how to understand the issues the child presents with, gain strategies and ways of implementation…
My confusion is this: in developing social/emotional (clinical) classroom strategies, who would have these conversation/sessions/follow up with the teachers? As these are not necessarily education interventions who (if anyone) do I need to pass this information by first? What happens in the cases where a BIP may not be needed …would I work closely with Dr. psychologist in these instances?
I’m totally comfortable managing this but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries/limitations…
Thanks for your assistance and feedback…


RESPONSE:
_____ – thank you for this. As I say to everyone – it is absolutely essential that you are specific in your comments. Which teachers, which students etc.
All of the things that you cite have been asked of you are actually things that are being planned for or have already been provided as support. teacher will ask again, even if she has been told the answer by someone else. There are whole wish lists of PD and discussions that everyone would like to have…..but we can only do so much at a time.
My advice - please refer to your job description – if it’s not part of your remit, then direct the teachers to ______, ______or myself.
____– I’m also aware of the ongoing email dialogue. It would be far more helpful to sit down and talk in these situations.
Make a time if you want to do so.
big boss

MY REPLY:
As your schedules are much tighter than mine I can meet at anyone' convenience...I can meet one on one or with all of you...


so my question is this...what they are implementing doesn't work...apparently cause the kid is still breaking down everyday...i can't have a meeting with anyone(teachers etc) without bigboss/boss/gettingreadytobebigboss's permission...but then they say that it's already been done...so if that's the case WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE? i don't understand...
I'm a professional...a clinician...i'm not a teacher/educator (except on the college level- does that count for anything?)
as social worker shouldn't I know what goes on with the kids? like today...an ACS worker came to the school...they tell me to talk to the worker-but I know nothing about the family because I'm not invited to any meetings or have the opportunity to talk to the family...
and what should I do when a teacher asks me a question...say I don't know when I do? refer them to the others? then doesn't that make me look stupid and not able to do my job?
and what if, because I haven't "done my job", I'm not invited back next year...then I'm stuck with no job, no money and owing the state 1500 for my taxes, plus car note and sky high rent and insurance...then what?...and will I paid for the summer? all this because it's bossladies show and I'm just a flunky...
this shit is so stressful...I care about the children...I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB...I love to research, talk to the kids, families and really make a difference...
but on this job I'm seeing that this is not possible...I tell you it's better than the last job and I don't regret changing jobs but at this rate I'm ready to not give this job a chance...
so hopefully I will have a meeting and it will be productive...hopefully...right now i'm not feeling that confident...

update...

since I wrote that email things has gone pretty good...we've had our ups and downs but i contribute to the "getting to know you" phase...
overall I really can't complain...life, the job, the parents, the kids are all ok for this moment in time...I even started getting child support again...
for the first time i really feel i've cleared all the fungus out of my life...i tell folks exactly what i think...i don't even explain why...if I can't deal with you then out with the bath water you go...
i told idiot his VERY LARGE family wasn't shit cause in the fifteen years my kid as been on this earth his family has NEVER done anything for her...no birthday/christmas (which I don't even keep)/summers/weekends/check in phone calls...NOTHING...he immediatly stated "don't you have something to do with that?"

now I'm not one to shy away from my fuckups...i'm harder on myself than anyone could ever be on me...everything I do is for a reason, granted the reason may not be clear to anyone but me, or even make sense in hindsight, but believe you there is a reason...
now the situation he's referring to was dumb on my part...me, along with another person were trying to make a point..."stick it to them"...the other person, of course, turned coat when the shit hit the fan and didn't stand united in our trying to "stick it to them" but hey, what did I expect from an idiot...
anywho, kids should never be pulled into grown ups shit...if God forgive me and my sister just stop speaking I would NEVER turn my back on, or take it out on my fuzzy...and I KNOW she'd do the same...but this family? noooooooo...if they don't like me they're not gonna fuck with the kids...
he's like that...if I'm not his friend he won't call, come over, or be involved with his kid at all...sad...it's not their fault...one should want to be with the kids just cause they are so great...
so...when my children are successful I'm sure EVERYONE will want to claim them...but remember, what goes around comes around...