rambles...

hey I'm doing good with the writing thing...funny, I never wonder who reads it...don't care if no one reads it...I go back and reread what I write...it's refreshing to just write my thoughts freely without worrying bout watching what i say...not that I say anything hurtful...

I'm so happy to see my sis happy...she deserves it...i told her love would find her unexpectedly, and it did...bigman came out the blue...literally...but he's grown on her, and on us...shit, i even trust him with my car...my car is my man, my life, my love...

right now I'm the only woman in my fam without someone...even MMB seems to have a suitor...but I don't feel anyway bout that...i give all my love to the kids i work with...they need it more than anyone I could be with...

I don't have any regrets bout my life...I've made mistakes sure, and I've dealt with some folks that I even ask myself why...but overall I've progressed in my life...even in my zigzag way...i'm proud that I feel intelligent enough to apply to a PhD program...and I've said before I don't even care if I get in or not, but that I can apply...that I qualify...

I wonder where life will lead me next...I have dreams and wants...but i've learned that life and God gives you what you need...when you need it...

on another note I've decided to change names...moodmagicbarbie is starting to need a new name and shortywop is kinda disrespectful so i have to change that name too...and how funny is that, I care about showing respect even if they don't read this...sooooooo...ummmm, let me think...I don't know...MMB is still who she is, but I'll think of another name for my friend....ooooooo, I got it...gooddad, cause he's an excellent dad...

well that's done...I feel better...

I'm scared of relationships...i don't know what to do in them...i don't know how to date, i know how to be a wife, a companion, but not how to date...damn...i tried to practice but lost patience...i give way too much of myself too early, but then i decide i don't like someone and disappear...or then i like them and they don't like me so i disappear...damn...this man/relationship shit sucks...

so what do you do? I've never been one for games...even when I was in my prime...you either take me as I am or not...I mostly get the not...either the girls act like beybey's kids or the guy shows their ass and gotta go...but like sis says, and the movie "he's not that into you", if he likes you he'll knock down doors...I don't think I ever give anyone that chance...I guess that's where my insecurity comes in...I guess i wanna prove to them who I am and what I stand for before they go for the arm candy...ummmm....good insight professor...

OMG, this is too stressful...I like hiding in school...lol...

anywho...I hope things work out...or not...

well I've rambled enough for the night...
later...