hey blog

life is moving...i'm so confused by the bear, his actions, my feelings that i'm just going to let it flow...it will either empty into a pond where it will be stagnant or into the ocean, full of life, adventure, ups and downs...

sometimes i feel things...things that i know are not me...i act out these feelings wondering why in the hell im doing this...but it's not me...i become a vehicle for others...allowing them to express/act in ways that they are afraid to, unable to, or just not conscious of...

this is why i make a hella therapist

but in my personal life its hard...this is a gift from the creator...not something i chose, or like or most times want to deal with...

with the idiot i KNEW it wasn't me...but he would tell me "that's you with that shit", "you're being dramatic" or "you are imaging things"...but i was right...down to the minute...so now im hyper vigilant...the struggle then becomes am i feeling this because im digging? thinking too hard? or is this really it...

like my sister said, i see the red elephant and i can't understand why no one else see's it...smh...but being a therapist i know i can't make anyone see it...they have to see and acknowledge it on their own...

so if im so great why is my life not the best ever you might ask...the answer is because i need that person who sees my red elephant...i see him but don't always acknowledge...that folks is the dialectic of life...we need others...we can't do this alone...no matter how much we think we can...

bear saw my red elephant...i really appreciate the things he showed me...talked about...make me look at myself and my interactions...how my need and want to care hampered the people i was trying to care for...

so it's ok if we don't work...trust he was not perfect...however i cherish the lessons and time...i just find it odd that i won't let go without a fight...usually i just walk away...turn off the faucet and keep it moving...but for some reason i feel like this is something i don't wanna let go of...
its not cause im getting older, or im lonely, or i feel this is my last gas...cause none of these things are true...i can't explain it...its a driving force...is it him? me? idk...

but i'm not destroyed...i just shake my head that folks don't see what they have...now im FAR from perfect but i know im a good person and i know that he gives me what i want and i can give him what he says he wants...by me just being me...unless he really wants something else...i consciously live my life that way...like the white witch in Alice in Wonderland...i strongly believe that what you put out comes back on you double...

sis says im working too hard...that is should be easy...it's not hard...but sometimes folks just need to trust that folks will not turn their back...especially if it's something that's happened to them all their life...
should people like that never get love? cause is takes a little effort? i don't think so...i believe everyone deserves love and happiness...it doesn't cost a thing...

so these are my thoughts for the day...