sadness....

i'm not even sure I want to bear my soul on this blog...I live life outloud but i have a funny way of not revealing what I really feel inside...

things came to a crashing end with me and the bear...i'm so so sad...but being ever hopeful i pray that it can be resolved and we can get back together...
he says there is no spark...he tried to give it time, but the spark never happened and never will...however he loves spending time with me, i'm a beautiful person, etc etc...

im confused...

im refraining from analyzing the problem and taking him and his words at face value, although i strongly believe otherwwise...

there are private things i wont disclose here but i will say that he thought i was angry at him and believed i was going to dump him...so he dumped me before i could break up with him...i understand...cause i do the same thing...

after texts back and forth...more from me than from him...i was able to see him to face to face...i didn't want to cause all my feelings came tumbling out...we sat in the car and i talked and cried for an hour in front of his job...something i told him i didn't want to do but he insisted...he listened and the few times he talked his voice was husky (I refused to look at him)...I told him that he was something special and even if we never talked or saw each other again i was totally grateful for the time we spent together and would have love in my heart always...he wanted to hear this...i truly did not want to share...I told him i wanted our last night to be as beautiful as our first...I did not want to end a beautiful friendship with yelling, anger and bad feeling...I wanted to sit by the water but it was sunset and we would not have made the park before it closed...i suggested we go to eat and he chose the place we had our first meal...after dinner he told me that we would go out the following week...I'm am trying so hard to not text him and so far I'm successful...i only texted him once...and stalked his fb page onetwothree times...lol...

so i'm taking it day by day...life does move on and if it's not ment to be i will be ok...cause i know the creator closes a door but opens a window...i also believe that our life path is pre-written but we always have a choice of path to take at every turn...I'm confident that it will work out...so i know that if i lose a bear I will gain what and who i need...but i like the bear...

but on another note, I've determined that the internet and facebook in particular is a very dangerous thing...bear and i had our misunderstanding but it was between us...but with facebook the situation got blown out of proportion...he made comments, i made comments, he deleted me and my family, i deleted all his pictures and he deleted mine...but the issue with fb is that is real easy to act in the heat of the moment, to write how you feel in 160 characters from the safety of your bed, office, phone, computer...once you post or delete it's done...and everyone knows it...i check his page, im sure he doesn't check mine, but i wont ever friend him...i think its the best if we do have a relationship in the future...