my life is bipolar

one day im happy, next day im sad...the common thread however is anger...
im very amenable and generally go with the flow but i realize i hate when folks make a decision for me without consulting me and impose that decision...
bear is not the end all and be all...he has a lot of issues...issues that i questioned i could live with...but we both wanted the same things, liked the same things, and seemed to have a genuine connection...but he made a decision that he didn't have a spark...so what about me...guess that didn't fit into the equation...
i don't like being rejected, mostly because even when i have to reject someone i never do it to hurt their feelings, or put them down, or make then question themselves...

but it's funny what folks say they want, and what they actually want...i really hate when folks contradict themselves...but im not one to skew things to make me look good or like the victim, even on a blog that no one reads...
bear said he wanted love, companionship, a strong smart woman...he did tell me early on that he didn't feel "that way" about me...but as time went on that seemed to change...then he told me sorry I don't feel "that way" and never will...but what pisses me off was prior to that he was telling me otherwise...verbally and by his actions...
he told me to open...be me...he would be there...well that shit was a lie...thank god we didn't consummate the relationship cause i think i would totally go off on him...
but i hate liars...and once i see you are lying i really have short patience for you...but most of all i hate to be rejected, especially when i was being the best me possible while retaining me...i didn't become what he wanted, or what i thought he wanted...i stayed me...
but that's my issue not with bear, but with myself and the creator...

im mostly mad at the creator for having love and companionship pass me by...im in my forties and i don't think i will find love...true love...by this point folks have kids, baggage, issues...they have learned and perfected game playing, lying and manipulation to get what they want...i will have no parts of it...
but all i wanted in life was what my parents had...48 years of someone you could be your true self with...someone who would stand in your corner no matter how bad you acted...someone who you trust with your life...cause i know i would give that person that plus more...
but the creator had other plans...he made sure my kids grew up without a father...that i struggled alone financially and emotionally...that i faced each day or problem alone...fending for myself...

i don't think i deserve this shit...im a good person...no matter what i give my best to each person i meet and deal with...i believe when no one else does...i try my hardest to be the best person possible for me and my girls...but apparently that didn't win any points with the creator...
cause here i am...dumped...again...not good enough...

so life moves on...i will dwell, aspire, and continue to be the best me possible...i will continue to grow and achieve but i will tell you this...i was happy being by myself...i can't take the stress of the emotional roller coaster of relationships...so i happily will sit on the rock and sun myself by myself...this way i don't have to deal with this bullshit...