66 steps...

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
I'm starting to climb
the stairs to heaven
to the top of the world
to the center of the universe

11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20
each step gives me a memory
how each of us
at some time
or another
has fallen down these stairs
stumbled up these stairs
some of us hurt
some of us laughing
till tears streamed down
our faces

21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30
each step brings me memories
tears of sadness
at the loss
of good friends
of how these steps
have changed
how old and dingy they now look
worn
but comfortable
cradling your foot


31,32,
33 marks the number of years
we've spent climbing
these 66 stairs
stairs to heaven
stairs to the top of the world
stairs to the center of the universe
half way there
it's been hard
but we have so much farther
to go
to reach the heavens
the top of the world
the center of the universe
family
it started with four
now we're numberless
powerful
together

34,35,36,37,38,39,40
as the halfway point is passed
memories of births
new friends that have climbed these stairs
for the first time
breathless
"how do you do it?"
not expecting to reach heaven
the top of the world
the center of the universe
toddlers learning to walk
up and down
laughter
greetings
smiling faces
peering through the railings
"hi nana, poppy, mommy"

41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50
animals making a break for it
running
running to freedom
down those 66 steps
to be stopped by the front door
just short of freedom

51,52,53,54,55,56,57,58,59,60
up and down these stairs
life has flowed
memories have been built
up with crutches
down by medics
carried in snuggles
carrying shopping carts
on shoulders
with food
laundry
tumbling
running
laughing
crying
stumbling

61,62,63,64,65
almost there
sun shining
through the window
the call of home
is strong
warm arms
are ready to embrace you
good conversation
good food
good smells
love
laughter

66
I made it
to heaven
to the top of the world
the center of the universe
healing my wounds
exploding with good news
I can shout it out
at the top of the world
the center of the universe

today is a better day...

...poppy surprised himself and is feeling much better...maybe God heard my prayer and is going to make it better...I'm so hoping it's not my poppywoppy's time...I don't think it is, but I just don't want him to suffer...but if he keeps going this way he will live to 91...all he has to do is believe...

I had a beautiful snow day today...everyone handled their business and was effective...I had a full day (sans dealing with hyperactivesunshine) of peace and relaxation...I was able to crawl back in bed at noon and take a nap...oooo, that felt good...I took a relaxing bath and exfoliated...so even though hyperactivesunshine is driving MMB crazy it's ok...kinda...he did a complete handstand and back flip on the rug...I said "hey, don't do that again", he said "ok, but that was cool huh?"...now he's trying to do cartwheels...I need a cheap gym...QUICKLY...
now he's feeling on MMB's butt...oh God...radio hyperactivesunshine...as he tugs on his peepee...ALL BOY...I am so NOT a boy mommy...

I'm ready to face the world...

allll riiiiite....

the love isn't over yet...I am woman to admit I threw a bitch fit cause we didn't go to the restaurant I envisioned, nor did the night turn out the way I wanted...I have to admit it did feel good...but I sometimes get wrapped up in the forward momentum of my anger attack and can't stop...
the sight of him standing by the door looking deflated and confused as I ranted and raved will stay with me for a while...although I got a sick sense of power I knew it was wrong and it was wrong to do this to a dude who isn't deserving...
so I apologized...he hasn't come over but we talked a lot, and cleared the air...he tells me I'm still Queen *professor*..."just accept me baby, cause I accept you for everything you are...you're my queen..."...I'm not going to push fate...I'm not going to push and push to find his breaking point...I'm going to accept what God has given me and just flow like water...

please say a prayer for my poppy...he's not doing well and we don't know why...he told me last week he's really tired of himself...but when I pressed he said he wants to live to see ninety one...but he's not doing what he needs to do to make it...I know he's depressed...clinically depressed...but you can't treat your family...so all I can do is love him...but he's so far into himself at this point I don't know if he notices...
as much as I love my poppywoppy, I don't know if it's fair to encourage him to stay with us if he is so unhappy and in pain...this is a man that was tall and strong and herded sheep...to see him curled on the bed in pain is very hard...and hardest for bigbear who has to live with this twenty-four-seven...
I don't know folk...I just don't know...
I pray that he can be pain free...but Lord (and family please don't jump down my throat) if this is it, please take him out of his misery...poppy does not deserve to spend his last days on earth in pain...

the love is over...

...I will say it's me this time...I totally admit that I look down on common folk...I worked really hard to get where I am...I'm working really hard to get to the next level...my goals this year are to pass the LCSW and start my PhD...
I can't be around folk who are satisfied with being where they are...
tonite, in a RARE occurrence, MMB spent the night out...all I wanted to do was go to a nice restaurant, have a drink and relax...I was looking forward to it all day...but NO...this idiot takes me to a ghetto fab chinese/spanish diner...where I was offered a fucking NUTCRACKER...I realized that it's never a good idea to date folk who are below you...it just is not going to work...
yes, I should have be appreciative...it's probably all he can afford...but SHIT...are you fucking serious? yes, I should accept folk for who and what they are...but I always say you can be where I am if you work the way I did...I'm not better, but I bust my ass...
anywho...I've decided that I NEED to be by myself...by the time I get thru the drama of MMB accepting folk, and dealing with that person and all they bring, I just don't have the energy for anything else...
so FUCK IT...I'm going to happily spend the rest of my life by myself...go where I want to, buy what I want to...not have to hear anybody complain or not accept, make comments or anything...

a quick note

before I start working...

first off Kudo's to all who take nyc public mass transit...I did it all week...lugging my sunshine...I remember doing it with my kids when I was younger and had a little more energy...I can't do it...I'm counting down the hours till I get my car back...I must say I like the exercise and maybe next year when sunshine goes to another school I might take mass transit but for now...HELL NO...
I've pretty much always had a car...I hate parking, but I like going to places on my own time and most importantly I LOVE not having to deal with folks and their issues first thing in the morning...

The honeymoon phase is in it's middle stages...I'm struggling with the lab puppy...it's not that he's doing anything in particular, he's just breathing my air...literally...he's in love, I'm not...at least not as much as he is...I wonder if I'm relationship material...it's been so long...

anyway...of to work I go...talk later...I promise...

Hello world..

or just blogworld anyway...
life is going so fast that I can't keep my promise to write everyday...so now I'm working on once a week...or once a month...
is the newness wearing off? is it that one's just writing thoughts/fears/anger/happiness to the world and don't know who's there reading it? are we narcissistic and only write for the comments?

anywho...life has been crazy...this time last week I was getting ready to take poppy to the hospital...he had a raging infection that ALL his doctors overlooked...we knew he had an infection, but I'll be damned if the doctors don't know more than us...so he went in, stayed for two days, got the antibiotics he needed and now he's on the road to recovery...doctors should listen to their patients and their families...I don't have a medical degree and don't pretend to know it all but I KNOW my father...so if I'm telling you he has an infection, take a blood test...

Moodmagicbarbie, who really isn't having too many magic moods anymore, is doing really well...she's grabbed a hold of herself in school and has accepted herself for the quirky rock and roll loving person she is...this makes life a lot easier...
choclahontas has started college...she also is grabbing a hold of herself and life...she has finally surrounded herself with a good and positive circle of friends and family...

and my Labrador puppy...he is a true sweetheart...he stands back and lets me be me...he puts me under no pressure and admires that I'm the backbone of this family (bearmaiden is the brain, bigbear is the skin, sunshine is the heart, the sun is the ego, choclahotas is the id, MMB is the superego, and poppy is the appendages)...he has his moments, as do we all, but I see that he strives to be a better person...there are times when I see him not being in touch with his feelings, but when I call it to his attention we talk about it...
he is a little intimidated that I make WAY more than he does, but I've told him how he can make more money...COLLEGE...he is amiable and is looking into school for september...he wants us to get married and move down south...I told him in order for that to happen he has to have a degree...incentive...
but he's cool...I can still tolerate him...tried to dump him last week but it wasn't happening...

so that's life in a nutshell...I really can't complain that much...

Hey world...

I'm not keeping my promise about writing every day...I sit and look at this blank square and then say "naw, not tonite"...
a lot has been going on...my beautiful choclahontas enrolled in college and started her first class today...this is huge...she has a full course load...I know she will do well and I know she will finish...I just wish she had some kind of financial independence...I don't know what's going to happen on march 1st when the rent is due cause no one has it...

It's almost time to search for a new name for moodmagicbarbie...she is not as moody as she used to be...this is a good thing...she is really growing up and maturing...she still berates me when we talk, and she still does not accept me for who I am, but that will change in time...I'm a little worried that at 14 she's not social...she'd much prefer to sit in her room with the door tightly shut and locked then go out with friends...but then again, I'm sure when she hits 18, 19, 20, she will be a party whore...or maybe not...I just don't want her to look back on this time and regret not having fun...also being locked in the room with your own thoughts you can develop a distorted sense of self...

I'm worried about Poppy...he is in chronic pain, he's not eating and all he wants to do is sleep...bigbear takes all the brunt cause poppy won't hear of us doing anything...I sat with him one day...asked him repeatedly if he needed juice or food...he said no...the MOMENT bigbear walked in he started telling her he was hungry and wanted juice...

I'm changing wiseman's name to Labrador...I swear he is like a freakin lab puppy that bowls you over with affection the moment you walk in the door...I do like him, he has no ulterior motive, there are no "BUTS" with him...he is proving to be who he says he is, and what he says he is...but LORD...be careful what you ask for cause you might just get it...the affection is OVERWHELMING...I have to tell him "slow down speedy Gonzalez, let me breath"...he's not Russian hands and roaming fingers or anything like that, and I do like the affection but DAMN, I'm not used to this...I can see myself with him for a while and he does make me happy but I'm still at the stage that if he were to bounce, or I saw a side I did not like or tolerate I wouldn't miss him if he left...

so that's my life in a nutshell...