Wednesday, July 7, 2010

change

is scary as hell...and when it comes at you all at once it's just down right terrifying...and it's coming at me at once...
bear is helping me with change...he lets me know that I deserve a life, to be happy...yes sister tells me that as does bigbear, but they're supposed to say that...they are family (even tho my fam does not hold their tongue)
bigbear is handling poppy and his stuff...chocolahontas is so far away i can't bail run to her rescue and bail her out...MMB is happy as shit that i'm not interfering with her life as much...
so where does that leave me? i feel like i don't have a purpose in life...my family does not need me...bear won't let me do for him or his daughter...i feel so useless and unloved...cause if i'm not providing why would folks wanna be around me?
but i do have a lot to offer the world i know...and maybe now is the time where i can put a hundred percent into my work, my teaching...loving the people around me...
my family accepts me cause they have too, but what's strange but wonderful is bear accepts me to...oh yes, i do annoy him, don't get it twisted, but we talk about it...he is so wise beyond his years...
so on this extremely hot day i ponder the changes in my life...for the first time ever in my life i am going away for the weekend, leaving behind my family...i will celebrate my day of fasting away from my family...
for the first time in life i have someone who, in the four months I've been dealing with them, has not changed, has stayed true to their word...
for the first time in life i am free to be me...craziness and all...me...
change is powerful, good, scary...i'm having to make new relationships and changes...to let go, to relinquish power, authority...to let others change and grow...
but surprisingly i am not too scared of change with bear by my side...in his straightforward way he puts it bluntly on the table...much in the way i do with others...i often can't argue with him cause he's right...
so slowly i am accepting the changes in my life...allowing someone else to be in charge...trusting that all will make good decisions and i won't have to pick up the pieces...
change is good...healthy...and i'm slowly embracing it...

1 comment:

The Bear Maiden said...

For what it's worth... your family does NOT have to accept you because you're family. Hellooo? Can you say Grandma? Who held a grudge against BigBear for marrying Poppy 30 years until she went senile???

We tell you these things cuz they're true. In particular, I tell you EXACTLY what I think, not cuz you're my little sister who needs protecting but because you're an amazing, strong, intelligent woman who for some reason doesn't trust her gut when it comes to herself.

But maybe that's age... I didn't trust myself completely until I was 40, in the middle of the 6 year war. That's when I found what I was made of, that I, too, had that "spidey sense" we all seem to have but never really talk about.

That's the beauty of age. You stop giving a shit. You stop worrying about other people so much. It's not that you don't care about them, but you realize you can't control them. You can't make them see what they don't want to see. And the only way you can really do anything about anything is to be true to yourself, honest with yourself, loyal to yourself. You begin to realize there's nothing wrong with that.

Even your kids... when you're young and your children are babies and they look at you with complete adoration and you can pretty much do anything to them and they'll still love you you think you own the world then. Motherhood is a powerful feeling. I used to wake the Sun up in the middle of the night to say "redrum" for kicks, and because I could.

Then they get older and tell you "no" or yell at you or go their own way. And you feel that they don't need you, and it makes you sad... but you realize after a time there's nothing wrong with that. They will go their own way way and they will be fine... they'll make mistakes and they'll hurt but overall they will be fine. They won't need you forever and that's a good thing. I guess I realized it a little earlier than most because I had to put my 7 year old on a plane with a man I didn't trust, and leave him in God's hands. It was terrifying. I couldn't breathe the first time... or the second... but after awhile I realized the Sun was his own entity. I was merely the keeper of his flame for a time.

And that's what you are... the keeper of the flame. It doesn't mean you NEED to bail the Diva out because she's capable of doing it herself. You won't NEED MMB to make you feel useful in the world.

So I'm glad the Bear is helping you to stabilize... it's why I love BigMan because I needed a "groundwire" and he is my "groundwire". But Bear is not why you're changing. You're changing because it's time...

We change from daughters who adore and idolize to young women who make a way and a stand to young mothers who nurture and care for a few to mature women who are free and strong enough to nurture and care for many... but we can't care for anyone until we learn to care for ourselves. First. You come first. You matter to you.... And that's the way it should be...

So I'm happy for you... it's been a long time coming and you are due.