i don't know what to do...

...i'm two paychecks away from disaster...i have a car note, car insurance, high rent, a loan at the credit union that need immediate attention...unemployment wont cover it...i have a job but they are dragging their feet giving me cases...
so i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to make money...i've worked for myself before and i'm not scared...i owned a beauty salon and i did family day care...i actually like doing family daycare and being a social worker i have an advantage...BUT, and there is almost always a but, my apt won't qualify...it's too small and i live on the second floor of a walk-up...
so i could not pay rent and move to an acceptable apt...hustle for the few months it will take to get my business online...
with my experience with children, especially delayed children I can really give the kids something...and parents will pay...
i don't want to rely on other people...i hate it...
so that's my thought for the day...

time...

i look up and it's been weeks since i last posted...time sure does fly...
i love my bear...he told me to not say those words cause it puts him under pressure to say it and he's not ready...i told him i don't care if he feels it or not but i love him as a friend and companion...we've been friends, talking on a daily basis and hanging out, for about four months...according to him we've been "talking" "dating" "seeing each other" for a month...but i knew he was my soul mate on our bearhunts in nature...he took me to the most beautiful spots...
i'm good for making folk my soulmate or "falling in love" cause i wanted too...i know i did this...but with him it just happened...out the freaking blue...trust me i was not thinking about this dude...not at all...i met him about two to three years ago at bigbears show- he sang- and i didn't give him a second look...don't even think i talked to him...
this guy is kind, caring, considerate...yes he's a slight pain in the ass and but in a good way and totally not perfect...but his qualities totally outweigh anything that is not "perfect"...
but most of all my kids approve...mmb especially...and she' a tough audience...lol...

so that's where my life stands...look like i'm getting this job that pays ahellamore than the charter school and i think i will like it better...there are a few things i need to master but overall im comfortable...

so all in all i have no complaints...thank you Lord...

water

as water is ever changing
so is my life

water ebbs and flows
so do my feelings

water envelopes
surrounds you
with soft
but strong
current

that's how
i will be
for you
surrounding you with love
holding you close
with strong arms

water can be destructive
but without it
we will die

water can be tamed
but at the same time
leak out at will
doing what it wants

same as love
touch
feeling
ebbing
flowing

water is a necessity
just like love

water is beautiful
as you are

change

is scary as hell...and when it comes at you all at once it's just down right terrifying...and it's coming at me at once...
bear is helping me with change...he lets me know that I deserve a life, to be happy...yes sister tells me that as does bigbear, but they're supposed to say that...they are family (even tho my fam does not hold their tongue)
bigbear is handling poppy and his stuff...chocolahontas is so far away i can't bail run to her rescue and bail her out...MMB is happy as shit that i'm not interfering with her life as much...
so where does that leave me? i feel like i don't have a purpose in life...my family does not need me...bear won't let me do for him or his daughter...i feel so useless and unloved...cause if i'm not providing why would folks wanna be around me?
but i do have a lot to offer the world i know...and maybe now is the time where i can put a hundred percent into my work, my teaching...loving the people around me...
my family accepts me cause they have too, but what's strange but wonderful is bear accepts me to...oh yes, i do annoy him, don't get it twisted, but we talk about it...he is so wise beyond his years...
so on this extremely hot day i ponder the changes in my life...for the first time ever in my life i am going away for the weekend, leaving behind my family...i will celebrate my day of fasting away from my family...
for the first time in life i have someone who, in the four months I've been dealing with them, has not changed, has stayed true to their word...
for the first time in life i am free to be me...craziness and all...me...
change is powerful, good, scary...i'm having to make new relationships and changes...to let go, to relinquish power, authority...to let others change and grow...
but surprisingly i am not too scared of change with bear by my side...in his straightforward way he puts it bluntly on the table...much in the way i do with others...i often can't argue with him cause he's right...
so slowly i am accepting the changes in my life...allowing someone else to be in charge...trusting that all will make good decisions and i won't have to pick up the pieces...
change is good...healthy...and i'm slowly embracing it...

it's been a month

and so much has happened...chocolahontas had to run for her life with the clothes on her back...but bad things happen for good reasons...she's in a shelter in a secure undisclosed location (i don't even know where she is) and she's good...learning things that she had a hard time grasping...spending lots and lots of quality time with her son...for the first time ever...
MMB is growing into a wonderful young lady...she's kind of in the rebellious stage but in comparison to most i can't complain...
the job ended...ugh...i won't even go into that...i'm on a mini paid vacation but hopefully my new job will start in the next week or two...
my bear...he's growing to like me as much as i like him...and i like him lots...he's the first that ive really gotten to know before i "claimed" him...i'm not pretending to like him and i don't have to make him into what i want him to be...he is...yes he has his issues, as do i, and can sometimes be annoying with the little things...but it's nothing that i would want to leave him for...i can see myself with him for a very long time...