sooooooo....

....life is moving forward...I paid an exurbanite amount of money to apply to the PhD program so it's real and I can't back out now...I am now officially a PhD applicant...

bigbear had a birthday...although she's a year older her mind, spirit, body and soul are still 29...lol...she's the bestest in the world...not to depress the moment or anything but when time and nature takes its course I will probably lose it...I'm so glad that's not gonna happen anytime soon...I love my mommy...

so my shortywop had a loss last week...I'm completely enjoying my virtual relationship with him in my mind...we do talk almost everyday, or we did cause I initiated it, but I'm backing off...if he likes me he will reach out...i really am working on not being so overwhelming...but i honestly just dont understand how, me being such a fabulous and wonderful person, WHY folks don't just aren't dropping at my feet...maybe I'm "lonely and miserable" like the idiot says...lol...or "nobody in their right mind would ever want to be with you" like my child tells me...I guess the consensus is that I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life...

ah, but I'm not lonely...my life is so full...and if I get into the program I won't have time for anyone...but once in a while a moment will happen that I wish I could have shared with someone...like today...a beautiful song was on, the sun was streaming through the window just so...i wish i could have had a dance at that moment...but I danced with myself...reflected on the beauty of the moment and moved on...I'm not hard to please...

but shortywop...think I might have an idea what makes him tick...he's an extremely loving and emotional person...but he's been hurt and has lost so I get the feeling he is really wary of giving himself again...it seems he wants love, to be married again...but the question becomes how jaded is he? can he really move on from the bullshit of the past to accept me or anyone else? cause I'm not even sure I the one for him...

but that makes me reflect on the emotional turmoil i went through with idiot...and it's super hard if they're kids involved...i was willing to settle for him because of the kids...but that didn't work...then i was out for revenge...that didn't work...then i was out for me...that didn't work either...i was never out for a father figure cause i'm the best mom and dad out there...then i was out for arm candy...that really didn't work...dumber than me, younger than me...not, not, not working...so now I'm back to just living...flowing like water...
wonder where he is on the journey...cause it is a journey...but i like him and am there for him as a friend cause he's really having a hard emotional time and i never leave someone when they're down...

soooooo, that's what I'm thinking in a nutshell...
lata