confessions...

for years I have not been true to me...I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, say what I thought folks wanted me to say, acted, dressed, and just did whatever I felt others wanted...
well at 41 I've decided to just be me...I know why I do what I do and I'm ok with it...so here goes...

I love being single...yes sometimes I'm lonely, but usually it's not for sex but for someone to ride with when no one wants to go with me...like to Florida or somewhere really wild on the spur of the moment...I'm down for taking off on friday and driving till I'm tired, getting a room and roaming the area the rest of the weekend...or someone to have a drink with...but usually I'm quite content to be by myself with me and my candles...I've yet to meet a person that is as eclectic as me and who can roll with my many sides...and I don't like folks enough to just have certain people filling certain needs...

I really love my young boys...25 is my age of choice...that's when they're still fun, full of live with minimal baggage...but I had an insight yesterday...the love of my life was killed when he was in his late twenties and I guess I've been searching for him...but I find the older guys are jaded...stuck in their ways...got babymama/ex-wife drama...ugh...I'm willing to be with a guy and let him go have babies somewhere...I'll help raise them but will have the luxury of sending them HOME...I just don't have the patience for small kids...not on an everyday basis...but shit guys can go with girls 25 years younger than them why can't I?...ok, I've given up on the thugs, they're really a waste of time but what if I find a young fine one who's SMART, has a life and shit going for him...am I supposed to turn him away cause I was 16 when he was born? lol...I crack myself up....but finding a "man" is not the number one priority in my life...

I like people, but really feel like their stupid...now I'm NOT the smartest person in the world but I know what I know...I wish I had the time to learn more but that will come...I hate having to repeat myself...I'm proud to be drama free...

I really hate my ex...he's such an ass...I only tried to make it work cause I knew that was the only way he would deal with the kids...but that didn't work and it only made me look and feel stupid...but as a person I really can't stand him...never did...even when I first met him I didn't like him but I got used to him...and once I learned his shit I figured that I already knew it and didn't want to break in another idiot...but man I can't stand him...

I love my parents to distraction...in fact they distract me from making other friends...cause my mama will ALWAYS come first...and my poppy...enough said...

I do take my sister and kids for granted...I don't tell them I love them as much as I should...well I tell my kids but not my sis...whew they all annoy the holy shit out of me but I don't know what I'd do if they weren't in my life...

I like quiet when I come home...I need some time to do me with no talking...I talk all day and although I love you I don't want to talk to you...but I do cause I know it's important...

I don't care if I have a mouse in my house cause my house is clean and eventually then will go away on their own but I HATE when they're stuck to the trap...super double UGH...I will find a random person outside to come remove that shit...now roaches...if you see one they're a thousand inside your walls...I go berserk when I see one...

I'm the perfect woman...not perfect for every man but I'm a bad bitch...I'm so over my weight (although for health and energy reasons I want to lose) it's just too tiring to keep up with it...when it gets warmer I'll walk to and from work...MMB will have to take the train...

so that's all I can think of right now...

so now I'm going to bed so I can go see my young fine ass one in the morning...I would never mess with him cause I don't shit where I eat or screw where I work but damn a girl can dream...

snow

the white softness
mutes the sounds
of the city
filling the trees
covering the ground

soft as cotton
fluffy
like a cloud
falling to earth
you can sink
into it's softness

like a security blanket
the soft surrounds you
covering the ugly
making everything look
like wonderland

the white softness
a gift from God
muting
covering
surrounding
making the world
for a moment
the most beautiful
place on earth

just a quickie

i talked to an old friend last night...a former boyfried of bearmaiden but one of my boys...when I was younger I only hung out with the boys...i have found girls to be so petty and phoney...
we talked about old times...the old building...the trouble we got into...the folks that past...it made me sad...i had a very strange but wonderful childhood...sometimes i feel so alone but after talking with oldfriend i realized that i do have a crew...old friends...

a response to bearmaiden's post...

a few things...first-thanks sis for the compliments...I still sometimes doubt my writing/abilities/thoughts...but hopefully that will change as I plan to dedicated my summer to writing...to really explore and tighten up my theories...

funny thing is, as jaded as I've become, I STILL see the good in people...I refuse to give in to the theories (especially with kids) that people are fundamentally bad until they are taught to be good...
within the categories each person is still an individual, and I try to find the good in all...my child sometimes does not see it...she will ask why am I wasting my time with a certain person...but I see things-good and bad...I remain focused on the good...I will believe in the good until proven otherwise...sometimes folks become so jaded that the good is securely protected behind a wall...sometimes folks feel like they're already bad (or did a bad deed) so what's the point...they use it as an out...an excuse to continue to do wrong...and some folk feel that it will all work out in the after life...

however I say, and stand by, the fact that 95% of a developing child's issue is their parent...children are 1/3rd the mother, 1/3rd the father and 1/3 the individuality of the child...but that 1/3rd that is solely the child is a blank slate...every word, every action is a mark on that slate...those marks can be erased or written over, but the marks never fully go away...but sometimes the stamp of one parent is strong...it overshadows everything else...for good or bad, but often for bad...I can usually tell how a person is by asking about their interaction with their parents...

the big divide is the issue of black/white/gray...we live in gray...the system (any system) is in black and white...some folks are born and raised in black/white...they understand the system, but often fail at the gray...some folks are gray...born and raised...educated in the gray...live and die in the gray...I am red...I refuse to adapt to the black/white/gray...I complement the non colors with my vibrant red...always the stand out...I used to attempt to hide behind the black but I've given that up...I have realized that there are so many shades of gray I will never master the perfect color...so I just stand out...red...bright...

we must always keep in mind that bullshit is a defense mechanism...the folk who are slinging bullshit are hiding something...unhappiness, fear, loneliness, anger, resentment...I have found that folks who sling shit your way in particular are trying to throw you off so you won't notice that they are trying to be you...good/bad/indifferent...to the bullshit slinger, you have something they don't, something they want...freedom? happiness?

but there is no space in the gray to analyze...that would take them into the black and white...it would mean understanding the system (any system)...but as most are living in the gray that means stretching the limitations of the gray, breaking through the walls into the world of black/white/color...most don't want to, or can't...the gray is comforting...like a warm snugly blanket...think about it, if they thought in black and white...analyzed the situation, considered the ramifications, do you think they would have done the action? I think not...the rules are in black and white...there are rules in the gray, but they are hazy...floating in the mist...always a little out of reach...it's easy to be self-serving in the gray...nobody notices...you don't stand out like the red...

being red my rules glare...I have to be careful to not have too many...the red is bright against the black/white/gray...folks don't understand the red...aren't used to it...wonder what it is, where did it come from, where will it go...never mind I have the same rules as those posted in black/white/gray...they're just red...
people don't push the red button, fuck with the red person, follow the red rules...again even though they are the same...they stand out...different...
to be ethical is to claim a color...any color...I'm red...you're blue...we stand "alone" in our colors against the gray...it's much easier to fade into gray...

is this the answer?

last year my doc told me I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) but chose to treat them menopause it created...that didn't work...after gaining a substantial amount of weight my appointment with the endocrinologist finally came up...he went along with the diagnosis and now I'm on metformin, a drug for diabetes that they use to treat this...
I'm not one for medication...at all...however I've been on it for five days...I no longer wake up feeling like I worked out in the gym for 24 hours straight...the soreness in the morning was horrible...for the last two mornings I was able to bound out of bed, I'm almost ready to do some sit ups in the morning...even my knee is feeling better...
getting old is crazy..it's like an old car...every couple of miles something breaks or needs to be tuned up...it's all about finding the balance and I hope for once I found it...
life overall is going really well...I have a good balance...choclahontas has settled into work and taking baby to school...moodmagicbarbie almost needs her named changed...she's stable...the parents are settling into the new home, the new life...poppy is a little bummed that he's never going to get better but I try to remind him regularly that he could not be here at all...and he's made HUGE progress with all that afflict him...

on another note, sometimes me and MMB talk about relationships...she feels that at times i'm lonely...it's funny but I'm not...most times I don't even miss sex...the bullshit that goes along with relationships I just don't have the patience for...wondering if MMB, in particular, is going to give them the special attitude or loving look...I love that my room is pink and lavender...I love the accomplishment of putting something up or together...
sometimes when she's out or busy (which is rarely) I wish I had someone to watch t.v with but then I remind myself that 9 times out of 10 they won't want to watch what I'm watching anyway...or someone to go out with, but then again I haven't found someone who willingly will go to a social or a school show...SO, I'm quite happy with me and my life...
maybe when MMB is away at college I'll explore...however I find it so funny that I can play match maker with the world but have the worst taste with my own choices...I love my young boys...shit, men do it all the time...why do I have to be stuck with the old ones with drama and baggage...I'm in my prime and I want someone who's in their prime as well...
I'm 25 at heart...I'm not trying to recapture my youth cause it sucked, I love the knowledge I've acquired through the years...I love knowing and learning...but dammit I'm not ready to put on the reading glasses and orthopedic shoes and talk over coffee...no...I'm all for hiking, gym, wild nights of sex (skip that part MMB)...what do they say? I'm old enough to know better but young enough to enjoy...

I got this attitude from my mommy...at 68 she's finally ready to stop shopping in the juniors dept but I know that won't last long cause she's not ready to "age" either...
I tell poppy this all the time...it doesn't matter what the body is doing it's how the mind is feeling...

well I'm off to talk to my young flow...yummy...

thanks...

in the new job I'm finding myself...I'm in charge of the mentoring program...the home visit program...developing and organizing groups...seeing my kids...I love being busy and productive...
time is valuable but it's ok when you see the fruit of your labor...I never look for thank you's but when they come it's sweet...but my thanks today was seeing a boy that I work with bound into my office...he spoke briefly to his father that he hasn't seen or talked to in months last night...he wanted to know if he could call from my phone...of course...
the conversation was about 10 minutes...in the confines of my room with no worries about hurting anyones feelings he could talk freely to his dad...the sun beamed from his smile...he was walking on a cloud...that was my thanks for the day...

greatful

to be greatful
we take for granted
to be greatful
is hard to do

but God gives us
so much
to be greatful for

when times get rough
we forget
to be greatful
when people act up
we forget
to be greatful

but it's never
as bad
as to forget
to be greatful
for what we have