how cool is this

I haven't posted cause I'm just not on the computer but I got this awesome phone that let's me post....I just need to get used to the keyboard...its a new experience...
Well guys the bear is an awesome person...he's not my type at all and has health issues but he is what I've always looked for...it doesn't matter if we never hook up cause I know what I'm looking for is out there...
We hike, take walks watch the animals...I feel so safe and at peace when I'm next to him...
He sings native tribal songs to me and shares so much...
So no matter what happens in the future I'm going to enjoy what this moment is offering me right now...

Im a bundle of confusion...don't know if I'm coming or going...men are weird, jobs have nothing to do with work and everything to do with games...I have money going faster than I can keep track...sigh...i'm not happy...
I like tiny, I do, but his words "I don't see you like that, I tried but I just don't" reverberate in my head...even tho we have had some beautiful days, I can't let that go...in the past I've overlooked those words and went with the action and got burnt...i realize that most men will take what ever is thrown their way regardless if they really want it or not...all this to say i'm backing the fuck up...believing his initial words...we can go camping, trailwalking when ever but i'm not putting anything else into it...one day i'll find the perfect man who has the qualities of tiny but who will see me and like me...i'm not here to convince anyone to like me...did that with idiot and ten years later i still got screwed...broke and screwed...no thank you...
the job...sigh...i need a new one ASAP...by july the latest...no vacation for me...i wonder why i gotta work so fucken hard all the time...i did all the right things and still i struggle...
so now i'm officially depressed and headed to work...

life moves so fast that I don't have the time to sit and think, never mind write...I can't update you on everything, but just to say the job isn't working out...I'm not being invited back for the next school year...listen, i don't know it all, but I know what I know and I know my kids...inner city, ghetto, minority...what ever you wanna call them...i know them...i approached from a clinical angle they wanted a social worker...oh well, fuck 'em...sorry the kids will lose...

Tiny...wow...he has clear boundaries and limitations that i respect but am finding it harder and harder to keep...can I say soul mate? physic connection? for real? wow...i just wanna ride in his pocket...curl up on the soft soft of his belly...but i know that sometimes your soul mate is not the one you end up with...sigh...can i tell you that he CAME OUT THE BLUE...holy shit...wasn't thinking bout him AT ALL...not even a little bit...didn't even know he noticed me except for the occasional bearstare i would get...

so, i'm at a cross roads...birthday's coming up, new job, new life, new friends, probably a new house soon cause the rents gonna go up and i won't be able to afford it...but i'm not worried or scared...especially with a bear behind me, watching...
life is good...