good bye 2010

my last post of the year...
what a year, what a decade...i graduated college and grad school...poppy got sick...almost died twice and lost his leg...but he's here...my grandson was born...my mom is still my ride or die...i've moved three times...choclahontas has moved out and is living her own life and has survived her early twenties by the grace of god...MMB has grown and is now a wonderful and smart 16 year old...love has escaped me but i'm completely over the idiot...however i did find happiness, if even for a moment and i will cherish that till the day i die...i've remained healthy and have lost weight...my sister has had some major ups and downs but remains on her feet...
i look forward to the new year and the new decade...i wonder what the creator is going to send my way...
have a happy new year for those out there...i hope the year brings all joy and happiness, wealth and health, peace and compassion...
till next year...

yeah so I'm walking away...i can't and won't change folks minds...i know why he does what he does...and yes the physical connection is an issue, more for him than me...but it's all good...he is a step closer to the complete package...but honestly i promise im not doing this shit again...i just can't...and won't...
i knew it was done when i insulted him...it gets to a point where you want to lash out...i don't like that point...cause then i want to explain and apologize...then i dig a deeper hole and start acting out of character...i become whiney and naggy and that's not me...idiot got me to that point...i hated it but i so wanted to explain myself but he didn't care...i find that folks then hold on to that and miss the bigger picture...
so i walk...i loved hard, enjoyed myself, will love my memories, but it's put in a box and up on a shelf...next...

i can't deal with my sisters situation...i just can't...but im there for her so i have to buck up and face it...cause that's what sisters do...sigh...

but overall my life is good and im happy...i will always look on the bright side...i will not let the negative suck me under....there is so much negative in the world i will not contribute to the madness...

it snowed...it was absolutely beautiful...the world was white and silent...makes me long for the country...i really want to see vermont in the winter...i know it's harsh but i want to experience it...

so that's it for the day...i have no great thoughts or reflections...im just living and am glad i woke up this morning...

omg omg...

...life is so full of ups and downs, ins and outs..,
i had two really good conversations with the bear...i love him...and im gonna love him...even if we don't ever have a relationship...he gave me great things...he made me see things about myself...and the time we spent was something ive always wanted and totally enjoyed...i will cherish our time together with no sad, bitter, or angry feelings...it wasn't lust, but true love...i'm so blessed to have had this at least once in my life...
i can't and won't speak for him but i believe that despite what he says there is a twinkle in his heart as well...i just hope fear doesn't hold him back...cause i know i can, and will, give him the pure joy he gives me...but if it's not to be then it's ok...cause the memory will live with me forever...and i'm ok with that...
it's funny, i'm not sad...really...my heart is full of joy and happiness...regardless of what happens...except for the first day i really haven't cried...i just celebrate the time we shared...the pure beauty of it...

love is a funny thing...it can be something that passes in a flash...it can be long lasting...but i feel love is based on trust and friendship...being there...sharing commonalities...the first person you call when____________...you fill in the blank...it's not about sex, or lust, that comes later...but feeling true comfort and peace when you are in the presence of that person...sometimes you feel is for your best friend or your partner...but it's for us to open our heart...once love is established, the passion will follow...

my sister is having one of the worst times in life she's ever had...i feel for her but there is absolutely nothing i can do to help make her situation better...but i know in my heart the creator will come through in the 24th hour...he didn't bring us this far to have us fail or fall...

my life is bipolar

one day im happy, next day im sad...the common thread however is anger...
im very amenable and generally go with the flow but i realize i hate when folks make a decision for me without consulting me and impose that decision...
bear is not the end all and be all...he has a lot of issues...issues that i questioned i could live with...but we both wanted the same things, liked the same things, and seemed to have a genuine connection...but he made a decision that he didn't have a spark...so what about me...guess that didn't fit into the equation...
i don't like being rejected, mostly because even when i have to reject someone i never do it to hurt their feelings, or put them down, or make then question themselves...

but it's funny what folks say they want, and what they actually want...i really hate when folks contradict themselves...but im not one to skew things to make me look good or like the victim, even on a blog that no one reads...
bear said he wanted love, companionship, a strong smart woman...he did tell me early on that he didn't feel "that way" about me...but as time went on that seemed to change...then he told me sorry I don't feel "that way" and never will...but what pisses me off was prior to that he was telling me otherwise...verbally and by his actions...
he told me to open...be me...he would be there...well that shit was a lie...thank god we didn't consummate the relationship cause i think i would totally go off on him...
but i hate liars...and once i see you are lying i really have short patience for you...but most of all i hate to be rejected, especially when i was being the best me possible while retaining me...i didn't become what he wanted, or what i thought he wanted...i stayed me...
but that's my issue not with bear, but with myself and the creator...

im mostly mad at the creator for having love and companionship pass me by...im in my forties and i don't think i will find love...true love...by this point folks have kids, baggage, issues...they have learned and perfected game playing, lying and manipulation to get what they want...i will have no parts of it...
but all i wanted in life was what my parents had...48 years of someone you could be your true self with...someone who would stand in your corner no matter how bad you acted...someone who you trust with your life...cause i know i would give that person that plus more...
but the creator had other plans...he made sure my kids grew up without a father...that i struggled alone financially and emotionally...that i faced each day or problem alone...fending for myself...

i don't think i deserve this shit...im a good person...no matter what i give my best to each person i meet and deal with...i believe when no one else does...i try my hardest to be the best person possible for me and my girls...but apparently that didn't win any points with the creator...
cause here i am...dumped...again...not good enough...

so life moves on...i will dwell, aspire, and continue to be the best me possible...i will continue to grow and achieve but i will tell you this...i was happy being by myself...i can't take the stress of the emotional roller coaster of relationships...so i happily will sit on the rock and sun myself by myself...this way i don't have to deal with this bullshit...

is happy...

im glad i decided to fight for love...sometimes i pretend to like folk, or love folk but what i felt this last time was nothing i ever felt before...it was confusing, strange, comforting, peaceful...
i decided that i was going to love...regardless...im not saying it's all peaches and cream but our last few times together makes me happy that i fought for love...but this fight is not about win or lose, but about acknowledging a feeling that is undeniable...
i'm not foretelling the future, im just going to live one day at a time...and hopefully i will look up and ten years would have past...
but today i love the belly laughs, the songs, the movies, the peace when we are together, the stories, the knowledge, the flow of energy, the knowing what the other is feeling...im not going to worry about tomorrow...

arrrgh....

i wish folks were like me...when im mad i yell curse...i get it all out so folks can respond...we can figure it out together...but when it's over, it's over...im done...i hate having the same argument over and over again...if we keep talking bout the same shit that means 1. we're not right for each 2.the communication is really not good 3.it's time to move on...
im too old to be trying to change folks mind to see my point...even if i am right...smh...

so im moving on...i like bear but i think he's right...there is no spark...i like him for what i like him for but i need touch and cuddles...shit i've been with guys who are into me and i can tell the difference...it sucks that he didn't give it a chance but hey, the creator sent him into my life i trust that the creator will send in someone just as special if not waaaaay better...the bear was a dress rehearsal for better things to come...

but as he did nothing terrible...well, he showed his natural ass as did i, but in the grand scheme of things it was very mild...i will remain his friend...we all need good friends in this cold ass world...

so that ends that chapter...

next...

a few months ago i turned down a job due to the poor pay...they called me this week to offer me a higher position paying waaaay more money...i actually like the organization but couldn't stomach the pay...so im actually hoping this works out...and im still considering getting a second masters in special education...i know so much about special needs children...

as far as my love life...i have one boyfriend a year...ugh...it takes me months to recover and realize that all men arn't asshole...sigh...but they are...sigh again...anywho...glad that's out of the way...next time i think ima stick to my first mindset which is NO MEN...NO RELATIONSHIPS...i'm really happy when im by myself...no drama, no emotions, no bullshit...

ahhhhhhh...back to peace and doing me...

hey blog

life is moving...i'm so confused by the bear, his actions, my feelings that i'm just going to let it flow...it will either empty into a pond where it will be stagnant or into the ocean, full of life, adventure, ups and downs...

sometimes i feel things...things that i know are not me...i act out these feelings wondering why in the hell im doing this...but it's not me...i become a vehicle for others...allowing them to express/act in ways that they are afraid to, unable to, or just not conscious of...

this is why i make a hella therapist

but in my personal life its hard...this is a gift from the creator...not something i chose, or like or most times want to deal with...

with the idiot i KNEW it wasn't me...but he would tell me "that's you with that shit", "you're being dramatic" or "you are imaging things"...but i was right...down to the minute...so now im hyper vigilant...the struggle then becomes am i feeling this because im digging? thinking too hard? or is this really it...

like my sister said, i see the red elephant and i can't understand why no one else see's it...smh...but being a therapist i know i can't make anyone see it...they have to see and acknowledge it on their own...

so if im so great why is my life not the best ever you might ask...the answer is because i need that person who sees my red elephant...i see him but don't always acknowledge...that folks is the dialectic of life...we need others...we can't do this alone...no matter how much we think we can...

bear saw my red elephant...i really appreciate the things he showed me...talked about...make me look at myself and my interactions...how my need and want to care hampered the people i was trying to care for...

so it's ok if we don't work...trust he was not perfect...however i cherish the lessons and time...i just find it odd that i won't let go without a fight...usually i just walk away...turn off the faucet and keep it moving...but for some reason i feel like this is something i don't wanna let go of...
its not cause im getting older, or im lonely, or i feel this is my last gas...cause none of these things are true...i can't explain it...its a driving force...is it him? me? idk...

but i'm not destroyed...i just shake my head that folks don't see what they have...now im FAR from perfect but i know im a good person and i know that he gives me what i want and i can give him what he says he wants...by me just being me...unless he really wants something else...i consciously live my life that way...like the white witch in Alice in Wonderland...i strongly believe that what you put out comes back on you double...

sis says im working too hard...that is should be easy...it's not hard...but sometimes folks just need to trust that folks will not turn their back...especially if it's something that's happened to them all their life...
should people like that never get love? cause is takes a little effort? i don't think so...i believe everyone deserves love and happiness...it doesn't cost a thing...

so these are my thoughts for the day...

I have decided....

...that i really like NOT dating...folks these days are so full of game and bullshit...they say they're not, but lord in the sky they are...game...
i've never been a game player and will never play THE game or a game...take me as i am or leave me the hell alone...
i really don't wanna make this post or my blog a grip vehicle but sheesh folks annoy me...
and the joke is i always figure it out...i know the game and intention behind the game and the action...smh...
so for those who think you got over...you didn't...the last laugh is on you cause i know the dirt behind the dirt...the real reason...the things you're hiding and gappling with...