ahhh life...

...where do I start?

still don't have an adapter for the laptop...it's 134.00...I just can't afford it...I'm desperately trying not to use my credit card...I paid off the balance in July, and I already owe about 4,500...not cool...my credit limits 6000...got to save space for a real emergency (like a mnths rent)...If I don't use the card and pay 165 a month I can pay it off in 36 months...so no extra shit...and NO MARSHALS...damn...
if anyone has an extra adapter for an Dell Inspiron 710 laying around can I buy it? hopefully not for 134.00...

student loans...that's another issue...when I graduated grad school in 2004 I owed 37000...I know owe 64000...when will this shit end...oh, and by the way I only make 40,000 a year...shit, I should have kept doing hair and not gone to school...I could milked the system and have a better life...a parent in my school gets 430 in foodstamps...ok, she only gets 75.00 every two weeks, but shit, at least she's eating well...I'm down to just condiments in the fridge...think Ima hit up a food pantry or two...

my kids...love to hate them...moodmagicbarbie (mmb) AKA rebelliousbelligerentbarbie (rbb)is entering the darkest pit of adolescence...14 is the depth of hell for a parent of a girl...it's uphill from here, I keep telling myself...OMG...I'm just not going to argue...if you talk over me you will miss important information and you will miss out...I have learned that you will not win...just like you will NEVER win an argument with a two year old...NEVER...I will put my foot down when I have too, otherwise I will let the sleeping beast lay...
choclahontas...she's a piece of work...remember Spike Lee? WAKE UP...she's going to be 22 soon...she needs to shit or get off the pot cause I don't take care of grown folk who don't take care of themselves...don't care if you are my kid...

bearmaiden said "I love my mommy"...I do too...she's my sanity, my reality check, my ride or die, my buddy...I don't need a ride or die, I got one...Lord, when God calls her to the big pow wow we are ALL going to need HEAVY medication...for a LONG TIME...

idiot...I've known him since I was 16, I'm 40...24 years...we've been fucking on and off for 19 years...I know him and he knows me...inside out...I hate him and he hates me "I never hated you...believe me" he said the other day...we have decided that we are family...even if we never get back together...we are forever linked...we screamed it out the other day...instead of him getting belligerent (like his kid)and leaving, he stayed...he listened, I listened...he talked and I talked...I, from the bottom of my heart, am encouraging him to make it work with his girlfriend...but she doesn't get him...and being family, no matter how I feel about him, only I can fuck with him and tear him down...nobody else has that right...cause at the end of the day I'm going to build him back up...
sex is always an issue...he's fat bald, with missing teeth and fucked up feet, but for some reason we can't keep off each other...maybe it's familiarity, or comfort...I dont know...but I told him "you want me, I get a big fat ring with a license attached"...it's been too long folks...I can't do it again...the back and forth...AND I'M STICKING BY THAT...
at least I can make his cheap ass pay half the rent and a bill...and I know he won't molest my girls...and his kids are grown and on their own so I don't have to worry bout me having to raise his kids...(even though I raised them)...and I can't get his SS and retirement...lol...

lets be real folk...marriage is never about love, but business...I think that's where folk get fucked up...the "love" thing...if you love someone you enough you enter a legal business deal with them...you can love someone and never marry, but then you can't hold them to shit...

so at the end of the day, I felt peace settle on us...we sat next to each other playing solitaire intermittently on our phones while he watched t.v and I read...after peace settled we stayed that way for about an hour...not talking...till we said simultaneously "I'm hungry"...made food...sat at the table, ate together, then the moment passed...it was time for him to go...I was ready and so was he...

see folk, that's the other thing...even if you marry, dude better have another home...I really don't want to look at you 24/7...poppy always had an "office" he went too "to write"...yeah right, but ok...he escaped and gave bigbear a break...good man...

so are we "working it out"? hell no...do I want to marry him? hell no...am I comfortable with him? yes, I am...do I want to do whats in the best interest of my family? yes I do...MY FAMILY...my kids and his kids and my grandson and soon to be granddaughter...have I grown? yes...has he grown? surprising yes...
so one day at a time...one step at a time...if it's written than so it shall be...

so that's life in a nutshell...I miss yoga...haven't been in two weeks...but I'm walking...I said I'm going to walk four miles at least twice a week...more if I can...I seem to have lost six pounds already...I do feel better and my hair has stopped falling out...

so life goes on...forward ever, backwards never...living life forever a lady...