SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME...

This has been a really tough week for me, and the weekend is worse...
Choclahontas and pita are in full swing...one day they are together, the next they are apart...but she wont put him out "cause he was sleeping on a park bench"...so that means I got to house and feed him? I don't fucken think so...he's not my kid, and she is on a slippery slope out the door too (though it breaks my heart). I told her today if she can't keep clean, and clean her room for inspection she has to go...her response "whatever"...
MMB is really trying to help...she has been put in this situation before when choclahontas was in her teens and rebelling. She feels that she has to be the perfect child and attempts not stress me further...but this is bad, cause she swallows her issues, and attempts to resolve them herself. In being "perfect" she annoys choclahontas, who turns on her, and becomes more introverted (hiding in her room) and anxious.
Then there is money...I have none...my college check ended, idiot has decided that traveling the country with his basketball team (and paying for room and food) is more important than paying a measly four hundred a month...my check alone does not cover my bills...and throw in the four-seventy I had to pay cause my tooth broke...I have one hundred dollers to my name for two weeks...I don't want to borrow from my rent cause I may not be able to put it back...and I want to put out choclahontas...what am I thinking...
So hustle I have to...hopefully when MMB is in Oregon I can work in a salon after work and braid. I will have eleven days to work day and night. I will even babysit after work...Anything to bring in a buck...I would love to make a thousand dollers over the summer...that will take me through the summer with ease, but five hundred is more attainable (thats one boxbraid per week, or two cornrows)...

But the good thing is I saw dread (who is not trinni, I was looking at the wrong car). He said he had to work that day and didn't get lunch till later...he said he walked over there to see if I was still there, and has been looking for me...awwww, thats sweet...we haven't exchanged numbers, I'm going to go at his pace...MMB met him and actually liked him (and believe me, that means alot...she generally looks at folks from under her eyes and glowers...much like spice)...I'm trying not to sabotage it by being nasty, or saying things I know will scare him away, and I'm really attempting not to compare him to idiot (cause the birthdays are a day apart)...

Well, back to reality...

schools over

my moodmagicbarbie completed her first year of JHS...the teachers were full of shit, and the kids ghetto as hell, but she managed to get through it without fighting (one of her major fears). She was never absent or late the entire school year...ya think they would give her an award right? HELL NO...I don't understand why they don't like her...I'm praying that the school transfer goes through...
She's a good kid, we've been talking and I like that...believe it or not, I HATE to argue.
Choclahontas as been flightly these last few days and I've been caring for tunner who I love...but if I wanted a baby I really could have one...but he's soo sweet...I got mad at MMB and threw down a picture in a plastic frame and broke it...he waited a beat, and started picking up the pieces, handing them to me "huh m'ma"...

So despite jogging almost everyday, and working out at the gym, and eating well I managed to gain twelve pounds in the last month (actually in about three and a half weeks). I went to the doc yesterday and told him to give me blood tests...I took thyroid, hormone, and something else. It's not normal to gain so much weight in such a short amount of time. I once gained twenty pounds in a month and a half.
In my depression for the last three days I had a piece of cake (which I havent eaten in years), and had my tunafish with crackers (which I also havent eaten in years)...why the fuck do I eat well and exercise when it really doesnt make a difference...but I didn't enjoy the cake or crackers, so I guess I will go back to brown rice and fruit...I'm not lookin for a magic pill, but I would LOVE to get out of the one-nineties...
So I will get test results in about a week...I also asked to speak to a nutritionist, between me and bigbear food is really not the issue, and I really don't eat that much and I eat very healthy. No juice, soda, white rice, potatoes, cookies, cake (except for tuesday) no micky d's or any other junk food (once in a while I will have popeyes wings or chicken tenders), dairy products of any kind (including eggs), chips of any kind...the only thing I can think of is that my portions are too large, but I don't eat as much as other folks...
So right now I feel so swollen and bloated, I'm tired and am just depressed...but I will get over it...I guess it could be worse. I will weigh tomorrow and see how much weight I've gained in the last two days.
Well got to go...tunner was calling me from the top of the stairs to come to bed with him (he will only sleep with me) with a trail of tissue behind him (he has to hold tissue in his hand while he sucks his thumb)
good nite

its good to be with friends...

yesterday was the rummage sale...funny, my kid graduated last year, but I sill participate in all school activities and so does moodmagicbarbie (who today is not gay THANK GOD- she's feeling white boys...whatever).
Everyone was there...lilacblu with her beautiful haircut, ladybug...who is a true girly-girl with her really girly-girl short haircut that she was REALLY feeling, fat lady (who was looking really good, but I choose not to say to her...I don't know why), her beautiful girls (lilmama is a moodmagicbarbie twin) the marriedcouple who I really adore (as one LOL) and their two, bearmaiden and the sun...who was being all boy...and later bigbear, not looking her age at all in a dress, leggings and fly shoes... choclahontas and pita stopped by to drop off tunner...and moodmagicbarbie, who usually hates functions (she gets anxious around crowds- although she did sit in the car a few times to get away and regroup) actually had a good time...she went off withflydiva and divamom later to long island to sit on a real beach.
We later went to another parents house for an impromptu gathering (who incidentally lives two floors above landlady in the same apartment), which was cool.
It was a really nice day...everyone got along, no one fought or argued, and the PA seemed to have made a fair amount of money for the school.

But today is another story...choclahontas and pita are continuing their fight... tunner came running and screaming into my room this morning refusing to be with his parents..I had to jump in their shit about the room and house, and they are cleaning in between yelling, crying and throwing shit...but right now all is quiet...

I'm off to clean...talk soon

my life...

...makes me very tired ...
mamahat: so here's a gist of what has been happening...pita is having a nervous breakdown...part of it is real, and part of it is because he craves, but pushes away, attention. His brother got twenty years in jail, his best friend is getting thirty years...his fam is crazy, and he really only has us...he has real issues...but he wants choclahontas all to himself...he wants her to be his saving grace, his sunshine, the one who holds him together...that's fine to want, but that's not her...envision if you will a deer in the woods, they are beautiful but make a move and they go dashing off showing the white under the tail. I try to be patient cause they are very young and are doing a really good job overall, but it makes me tired and takes all my attention away from moodmagicbarbie who is flirting with being gay...she doesn't understand the complexities of being gay, but thinks something is wrong with her because shes not into boys..."mmb" I say "do you think that has something to do with you being TWELVE?" That also says something for the society in which we live...when I was twelve, I didn't even know what being gay was, never mind flirting with the idea...and I HATED boys...I would much rather push weights or do hair...
So here we all are, the young fighting couple, both with deep seated mental issues, the bipolar anxiety ridden gay girl, and me...crazy, but trying to hold it all together.
I ask myself, where did I go wrong? one had a baby at 18, and the other
is gender confused...now don't get me wrong I have nothing against being gay I just happen to love a stiff one (a girlfriend recently pushed up on me, and I had to explain to her that although I have not had a man in about ten years, I am NOT gay). I also believe being gay is biological and in MMB's case half her fathers family is dikey gay...when she was three years old she asked me "why do they call Auntie E auntie when shes a man?"...so if that's the life she chooses god bless her, and I will support her, but how the fuck do you know at 12 what you are and why the fuck is she thinking about it...I have to find stuff for her to do, and I have to get her away from the ghetto...Thank goodness she is going to Oregon in a few weeks...

middlenamehat: I didn't have my jogging date. But I haven't seen dread in two days, thinking of it I haven't seen any of the grounds keepers either...I think they had to stay at their posts (I saw alot of suits walking through the projects, checking on the workers)...they really treat the lowers down like shit, but I did a little snooping and I think he's a Trinnie. But whatever, you know me, out of sight, out of mind...

clinicianhat: update: my client who thrives on blood and intimidation is getting more violent, and I'm still waiting to get info on getting him a psyc...at least I got someone else (my supervisor) interested, but it seems that I have to find the Dr.
one of my clients A, showed me another personality. we were going along fine, and all of a sudden Juan appeared...this is new...Juan seems to be the protector of A. The teachers feel that hes "acting" for attention, but I don't think so...I will explore it futher nxt week...
...speaking of, the therapeutic classroom is housed in a daycare. The daycare held their graduation yesterday...the director had the kitchen cook a spread, complete with cake...do you think the parents and graduates (all eight of them) got to eat?...HELL NO...they put the food in the library (which is for show anyway cause the kids NEVER use it) and didn't tell the parents...so the food went to the director and her cronies...the assistant teachers and aides got to eat after the higher ups ate...I am NOT lying...

I could go on and on, but I think this is enough for one night...I don't want to give anyone a headache...I don't know how I survive without being in, or visiting, the happyhouse...

I'm back to these things again...

so this is what you do when you want to post but are too tired to express your thoughts...you resort to cutting and pasting...

You Are 39% Perfectionist

Occasionally you have perfectionist tendencies, but overall you're pretty normal. You're sometimes hard on yourself, but you usually focus on what you're doing right!

Are You a Perfectionist?

then there's this...

You Are 48% Weirdo

You're definitely quite strange, but you can act like a normal person when you have to. (But just because you can act normally, it certainly doesn't mean you want to!) You have normal aspects to your personality... but you usually don't choose to emphasize them.

Are You A Weirdo?

bearmaiden, maybe you should take this one...

You Are 12% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You're so far from paranoid schizophrenic... you probably found this quiz to be quite amusing.

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

I'm back on...

...Bearmaiden fixed my computer...
alot has happened in the short time I was away...I can't go into details right now cause I am dead tired, but to make a long story short
middlenamehat: I have a date to go lunchtime jogging with my dreadlocked cutie (well, he's not exactly fine, but not ugly either, not that it should matter, I'm just being shallow)...I really like him and I'm
working on not sabotaging this...but his birthday is the day before
idiots...I'm trying to keep an open mind and not write him off before I
know him due to this technicality...
mamahat:choclahontas and pita are not getting along, he had a semi-nervous breakdown, and they are wreaking my house fighting. He punched in the bedroom door and I came home to a waterfight all over my kitchen...ugh...
clinicianhat:I found out that I AM getting a raise in September and they might pay us retro for the last year...yea...the folks I work with are still dumb (except for Pompeii and wildfire)...I will go into that later...
professorhat:I've been asked back and right no I'm only teaching one class in the fall, but that can change...

my internet is broken

I have a virus on my computer so I can't blog...
moodmagicbarbie is having a nervous breakdown and choclahontas is being choclahontas...I'll be back once I get the worm out...

I was jealous...

everyone was posting these things and I couldn't figure it out...

so here we go...

You Are 61% Feminine, 39% Masculine

You are in touch with your feminine side. Sensitive, intuitive, and caring are all words that describe you. And you're just masculine enough to relate to both men and women.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

who the hell figured that...I thought for sure I would be more masculine than feminine...

I totally agree with this...

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person. However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways. You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order. You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

see I was right...I always told bigbear I should have been older or an only child...

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

and finally...I know I got a little crazy...I TOTALLY agree with this...

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional. And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week! Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality. This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil. You are most compatible with: everyone! Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

I'm so freakin smart

I figured out how to use my cell phone as a modem for my laptop, which is the reason I bought a 700 dollar phone...it only took me four months...so I can now take my laptop to work with me where I have no reception and post ALL DAY...isn't that the coolest...
Now I have to figure out how to stick those things that bearmaiden does all the time on my posts and I'll be happy...
incidentally, the last thing bearmaiden filled out says that I have a 15% chance of needing a therapist and that I would make a great therapist...

schools over

professorhat: today is my last day of teaching my first semester of college. I have to say it was a wonderful experience. I was told by the department head that I will be back next year. My students expressed to me that they really enjoyed the class and asked what I will be teaching next semester cause they wanted to be with me. One student was so upset that she walked me all the way to bigbears house. I told everyone to feel free to email me. Its funny when you spend fifteen weeks with a group. You really bond, and get to know one another.
I was a totally different person leaving this college than when I entered. I told all my professors that I would be back to teach, to give the students what was given to me. I found my voice at this school, I explored and found out who I was, and what I wanted in life. I was able to stand up to the jackass and get rid of him (it took a few years to completely get him out of my system). My Spanish sisters taught me about going to get the hair blown out, mani/pedi's, lip gloss. That's where I first started losing weight, seeing my beauty, learning the tricks of flirting.
This school took me in a direction I never believed I could go in. I did it, and with a damn good GPA...points short of a honors degree. When I fell, there were so many hands picking/holding me up. Some of my friends I still keep in touch with...we look out for each other, get each other jobs.
So I fulfilled my promise... I came back and shared the knowledge. As I looked out over my class for the last time, I saw the look that I once gave my professors...the look of knowing, of understanding...and they all did damn good on the final, and it wasn't easy!

I want a new car

middlenamehat: I want a new minivan...I'm not being flashy or anything, but my philosophy is that with a car once it's a few years old, instead of fixing and fixing and fixing, you get a new one.
There are pros and cons of course.
the pros and cons of keeping the car:
Pros
-my car is paid for in full
-the insurance is 679 every
six months
-I have really low mileage (44k)

cons
-the car is almost five years old
-its starting to shake rattle and roll
-bigbear and poppabear have to pay the insurance
because I can't do it and pay the payments...

But the new car has rear windows that go down and it's a really pretty blue color....
Alright...It really looks ridiculous on paper...DAMN...

So moving on...bearmaiden, I too obsess...the difference is the other person never knows it...I can have complete relationships in my head from beginning to end (minus sex of course...I'm not that sick to fantasize or act it out solo). I'm going to attempt to meet guys and have real relationships...but the ones in my head are soooo much safer...no STD's, HIV, issues and no bullshit...
There is a guy that works around my job. He is the groundskeeper. He is not the most handsomest guy in the world, but he is the sweetest...he has beautiful dreads down his back. For over two years, he has been a true gentleman whenever he sees me. He always speaks, if I'm pissed or down he reads my face and says something positive. I asked around and he, as far as anyone knows, is single and has been for a while.
Yesterday I had on yellow and white. He stopped me and told me how pretty I looked (without being vile or sexual as some are).
I told wildfire that next time I see him I'm going to ask him his name (cause I never bothered...I was having a virtual relationship with someone else, and wildfire wasn't sure). So today I saw him and he waved at me from down the block...I called him over and said "all the years we've been speaking and I don't even know your name"...his name is Darren, I told him mine and he complemented what a pretty name that was...but this is what got me. I was walking with bigbear who was visiting me at work...I said "oh that's my mom", he said "wow, she looks like you" but he walked over to her, introduced himself and shook her hand...WOW, MANNERS...you don't see that often.
We will see what happens on Monday....