hey blog

life is moving...i'm so confused by the bear, his actions, my feelings that i'm just going to let it flow...it will either empty into a pond where it will be stagnant or into the ocean, full of life, adventure, ups and downs...

sometimes i feel things...things that i know are not me...i act out these feelings wondering why in the hell im doing this...but it's not me...i become a vehicle for others...allowing them to express/act in ways that they are afraid to, unable to, or just not conscious of...

this is why i make a hella therapist

but in my personal life its hard...this is a gift from the creator...not something i chose, or like or most times want to deal with...

with the idiot i KNEW it wasn't me...but he would tell me "that's you with that shit", "you're being dramatic" or "you are imaging things"...but i was right...down to the minute...so now im hyper vigilant...the struggle then becomes am i feeling this because im digging? thinking too hard? or is this really it...

like my sister said, i see the red elephant and i can't understand why no one else see's it...smh...but being a therapist i know i can't make anyone see it...they have to see and acknowledge it on their own...

so if im so great why is my life not the best ever you might ask...the answer is because i need that person who sees my red elephant...i see him but don't always acknowledge...that folks is the dialectic of life...we need others...we can't do this alone...no matter how much we think we can...

bear saw my red elephant...i really appreciate the things he showed me...talked about...make me look at myself and my interactions...how my need and want to care hampered the people i was trying to care for...

so it's ok if we don't work...trust he was not perfect...however i cherish the lessons and time...i just find it odd that i won't let go without a fight...usually i just walk away...turn off the faucet and keep it moving...but for some reason i feel like this is something i don't wanna let go of...
its not cause im getting older, or im lonely, or i feel this is my last gas...cause none of these things are true...i can't explain it...its a driving force...is it him? me? idk...

but i'm not destroyed...i just shake my head that folks don't see what they have...now im FAR from perfect but i know im a good person and i know that he gives me what i want and i can give him what he says he wants...by me just being me...unless he really wants something else...i consciously live my life that way...like the white witch in Alice in Wonderland...i strongly believe that what you put out comes back on you double...

sis says im working too hard...that is should be easy...it's not hard...but sometimes folks just need to trust that folks will not turn their back...especially if it's something that's happened to them all their life...
should people like that never get love? cause is takes a little effort? i don't think so...i believe everyone deserves love and happiness...it doesn't cost a thing...

so these are my thoughts for the day...

I have decided....

...that i really like NOT dating...folks these days are so full of game and bullshit...they say they're not, but lord in the sky they are...game...
i've never been a game player and will never play THE game or a game...take me as i am or leave me the hell alone...
i really don't wanna make this post or my blog a grip vehicle but sheesh folks annoy me...
and the joke is i always figure it out...i know the game and intention behind the game and the action...smh...
so for those who think you got over...you didn't...the last laugh is on you cause i know the dirt behind the dirt...the real reason...the things you're hiding and gappling with...

sadness....

i'm not even sure I want to bear my soul on this blog...I live life outloud but i have a funny way of not revealing what I really feel inside...

things came to a crashing end with me and the bear...i'm so so sad...but being ever hopeful i pray that it can be resolved and we can get back together...
he says there is no spark...he tried to give it time, but the spark never happened and never will...however he loves spending time with me, i'm a beautiful person, etc etc...

im confused...

im refraining from analyzing the problem and taking him and his words at face value, although i strongly believe otherwwise...

there are private things i wont disclose here but i will say that he thought i was angry at him and believed i was going to dump him...so he dumped me before i could break up with him...i understand...cause i do the same thing...

after texts back and forth...more from me than from him...i was able to see him to face to face...i didn't want to cause all my feelings came tumbling out...we sat in the car and i talked and cried for an hour in front of his job...something i told him i didn't want to do but he insisted...he listened and the few times he talked his voice was husky (I refused to look at him)...I told him that he was something special and even if we never talked or saw each other again i was totally grateful for the time we spent together and would have love in my heart always...he wanted to hear this...i truly did not want to share...I told him i wanted our last night to be as beautiful as our first...I did not want to end a beautiful friendship with yelling, anger and bad feeling...I wanted to sit by the water but it was sunset and we would not have made the park before it closed...i suggested we go to eat and he chose the place we had our first meal...after dinner he told me that we would go out the following week...I'm am trying so hard to not text him and so far I'm successful...i only texted him once...and stalked his fb page onetwothree times...lol...

so i'm taking it day by day...life does move on and if it's not ment to be i will be ok...cause i know the creator closes a door but opens a window...i also believe that our life path is pre-written but we always have a choice of path to take at every turn...I'm confident that it will work out...so i know that if i lose a bear I will gain what and who i need...but i like the bear...

but on another note, I've determined that the internet and facebook in particular is a very dangerous thing...bear and i had our misunderstanding but it was between us...but with facebook the situation got blown out of proportion...he made comments, i made comments, he deleted me and my family, i deleted all his pictures and he deleted mine...but the issue with fb is that is real easy to act in the heat of the moment, to write how you feel in 160 characters from the safety of your bed, office, phone, computer...once you post or delete it's done...and everyone knows it...i check his page, im sure he doesn't check mine, but i wont ever friend him...i think its the best if we do have a relationship in the future...

i don't know what to do...

...i'm two paychecks away from disaster...i have a car note, car insurance, high rent, a loan at the credit union that need immediate attention...unemployment wont cover it...i have a job but they are dragging their feet giving me cases...
so i'm sitting here trying to figure out how to make money...i've worked for myself before and i'm not scared...i owned a beauty salon and i did family day care...i actually like doing family daycare and being a social worker i have an advantage...BUT, and there is almost always a but, my apt won't qualify...it's too small and i live on the second floor of a walk-up...
so i could not pay rent and move to an acceptable apt...hustle for the few months it will take to get my business online...
with my experience with children, especially delayed children I can really give the kids something...and parents will pay...
i don't want to rely on other people...i hate it...
so that's my thought for the day...

time...

i look up and it's been weeks since i last posted...time sure does fly...
i love my bear...he told me to not say those words cause it puts him under pressure to say it and he's not ready...i told him i don't care if he feels it or not but i love him as a friend and companion...we've been friends, talking on a daily basis and hanging out, for about four months...according to him we've been "talking" "dating" "seeing each other" for a month...but i knew he was my soul mate on our bearhunts in nature...he took me to the most beautiful spots...
i'm good for making folk my soulmate or "falling in love" cause i wanted too...i know i did this...but with him it just happened...out the freaking blue...trust me i was not thinking about this dude...not at all...i met him about two to three years ago at bigbears show- he sang- and i didn't give him a second look...don't even think i talked to him...
this guy is kind, caring, considerate...yes he's a slight pain in the ass and but in a good way and totally not perfect...but his qualities totally outweigh anything that is not "perfect"...
but most of all my kids approve...mmb especially...and she' a tough audience...lol...

so that's where my life stands...look like i'm getting this job that pays ahellamore than the charter school and i think i will like it better...there are a few things i need to master but overall im comfortable...

so all in all i have no complaints...thank you Lord...

water

as water is ever changing
so is my life

water ebbs and flows
so do my feelings

water envelopes
surrounds you
with soft
but strong
current

that's how
i will be
for you
surrounding you with love
holding you close
with strong arms

water can be destructive
but without it
we will die

water can be tamed
but at the same time
leak out at will
doing what it wants

same as love
touch
feeling
ebbing
flowing

water is a necessity
just like love

water is beautiful
as you are

change

is scary as hell...and when it comes at you all at once it's just down right terrifying...and it's coming at me at once...
bear is helping me with change...he lets me know that I deserve a life, to be happy...yes sister tells me that as does bigbear, but they're supposed to say that...they are family (even tho my fam does not hold their tongue)
bigbear is handling poppy and his stuff...chocolahontas is so far away i can't bail run to her rescue and bail her out...MMB is happy as shit that i'm not interfering with her life as much...
so where does that leave me? i feel like i don't have a purpose in life...my family does not need me...bear won't let me do for him or his daughter...i feel so useless and unloved...cause if i'm not providing why would folks wanna be around me?
but i do have a lot to offer the world i know...and maybe now is the time where i can put a hundred percent into my work, my teaching...loving the people around me...
my family accepts me cause they have too, but what's strange but wonderful is bear accepts me to...oh yes, i do annoy him, don't get it twisted, but we talk about it...he is so wise beyond his years...
so on this extremely hot day i ponder the changes in my life...for the first time ever in my life i am going away for the weekend, leaving behind my family...i will celebrate my day of fasting away from my family...
for the first time in life i have someone who, in the four months I've been dealing with them, has not changed, has stayed true to their word...
for the first time in life i am free to be me...craziness and all...me...
change is powerful, good, scary...i'm having to make new relationships and changes...to let go, to relinquish power, authority...to let others change and grow...
but surprisingly i am not too scared of change with bear by my side...in his straightforward way he puts it bluntly on the table...much in the way i do with others...i often can't argue with him cause he's right...
so slowly i am accepting the changes in my life...allowing someone else to be in charge...trusting that all will make good decisions and i won't have to pick up the pieces...
change is good...healthy...and i'm slowly embracing it...