the start of spring...almost

down eight ave
up seventh...
cars thumping
bikes roaring

groups of
girls
guys
men
woman
intertwining
walking circles
preparing for
springs mating dance

down eight ave
up seventh
babies dressed to the nines
thousand dollar strollers
Gucci, Louie, uggs

weaves flowing
lines right
glitter bling
ready for spring

down eight ave
up seventh
baby mama drama
"I'ma kick yo ass bitch"

5 0
slow go
mascato flowing
blunts glowing
skunk, haze
puts you in a daze

down eight ave
up seventh
profiling
styling

"who's dat"
nails done
engines hum
looking right
knots tight

down eight ave
up seventh
people streaming
getting ready
for summers heat
folks meet
greet

beefs forgotten
young bloods
fightin
flirtin
talking trash

down eighth ave
up seventh
the start of spring
ice receded
grass growing
blowing

getting ready
for summer strolls
down eight ave
up seventh...

i'm annoyed...

...somehow I feel like a game is being played...and i always get sucked into it...i hate games...conscious or unconscious...I do care deeply about people and when i feel i feel completely in the moment...but lord knows i can turn it off like a faucet...but i don't have time...at all...
so when ever i sense a game, i break out...i have too much other stuff to do and think about...
maybe that's why i'm single and have no issue with it...i don't have the tolerance...i see my friends and the bs they go through and i'm like really? i don't think so...
i love my garden over my bed, and my life, and even now my job...
taking this training in DV reminds me of the bullshit...i know every person can fall prey to the DV and i'll never say i won't or havent but man...i try real hard to stay on top of stupid people...
the minute i feel like you're pulling some power and control shit i'm out...
so my spidey senses are telling me there's bullshit...so i'm turning it off like a faucet and moving on...
however, i always give a chance...cause it could just be me...but i'm in no way making the first move...been there, done that and it didn't turn out nicely...
that's my rant for the day...
laaaaata

rambles...

hey I'm doing good with the writing thing...funny, I never wonder who reads it...don't care if no one reads it...I go back and reread what I write...it's refreshing to just write my thoughts freely without worrying bout watching what i say...not that I say anything hurtful...

I'm so happy to see my sis happy...she deserves it...i told her love would find her unexpectedly, and it did...bigman came out the blue...literally...but he's grown on her, and on us...shit, i even trust him with my car...my car is my man, my life, my love...

right now I'm the only woman in my fam without someone...even MMB seems to have a suitor...but I don't feel anyway bout that...i give all my love to the kids i work with...they need it more than anyone I could be with...

I don't have any regrets bout my life...I've made mistakes sure, and I've dealt with some folks that I even ask myself why...but overall I've progressed in my life...even in my zigzag way...i'm proud that I feel intelligent enough to apply to a PhD program...and I've said before I don't even care if I get in or not, but that I can apply...that I qualify...

I wonder where life will lead me next...I have dreams and wants...but i've learned that life and God gives you what you need...when you need it...

on another note I've decided to change names...moodmagicbarbie is starting to need a new name and shortywop is kinda disrespectful so i have to change that name too...and how funny is that, I care about showing respect even if they don't read this...sooooooo...ummmm, let me think...I don't know...MMB is still who she is, but I'll think of another name for my friend....ooooooo, I got it...gooddad, cause he's an excellent dad...

well that's done...I feel better...

I'm scared of relationships...i don't know what to do in them...i don't know how to date, i know how to be a wife, a companion, but not how to date...damn...i tried to practice but lost patience...i give way too much of myself too early, but then i decide i don't like someone and disappear...or then i like them and they don't like me so i disappear...damn...this man/relationship shit sucks...

so what do you do? I've never been one for games...even when I was in my prime...you either take me as I am or not...I mostly get the not...either the girls act like beybey's kids or the guy shows their ass and gotta go...but like sis says, and the movie "he's not that into you", if he likes you he'll knock down doors...I don't think I ever give anyone that chance...I guess that's where my insecurity comes in...I guess i wanna prove to them who I am and what I stand for before they go for the arm candy...ummmm....good insight professor...

OMG, this is too stressful...I like hiding in school...lol...

anywho...I hope things work out...or not...

well I've rambled enough for the night...
later...

sooooooo....

....life is moving forward...I paid an exurbanite amount of money to apply to the PhD program so it's real and I can't back out now...I am now officially a PhD applicant...

bigbear had a birthday...although she's a year older her mind, spirit, body and soul are still 29...lol...she's the bestest in the world...not to depress the moment or anything but when time and nature takes its course I will probably lose it...I'm so glad that's not gonna happen anytime soon...I love my mommy...

so my shortywop had a loss last week...I'm completely enjoying my virtual relationship with him in my mind...we do talk almost everyday, or we did cause I initiated it, but I'm backing off...if he likes me he will reach out...i really am working on not being so overwhelming...but i honestly just dont understand how, me being such a fabulous and wonderful person, WHY folks don't just aren't dropping at my feet...maybe I'm "lonely and miserable" like the idiot says...lol...or "nobody in their right mind would ever want to be with you" like my child tells me...I guess the consensus is that I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life...

ah, but I'm not lonely...my life is so full...and if I get into the program I won't have time for anyone...but once in a while a moment will happen that I wish I could have shared with someone...like today...a beautiful song was on, the sun was streaming through the window just so...i wish i could have had a dance at that moment...but I danced with myself...reflected on the beauty of the moment and moved on...I'm not hard to please...

but shortywop...think I might have an idea what makes him tick...he's an extremely loving and emotional person...but he's been hurt and has lost so I get the feeling he is really wary of giving himself again...it seems he wants love, to be married again...but the question becomes how jaded is he? can he really move on from the bullshit of the past to accept me or anyone else? cause I'm not even sure I the one for him...

but that makes me reflect on the emotional turmoil i went through with idiot...and it's super hard if they're kids involved...i was willing to settle for him because of the kids...but that didn't work...then i was out for revenge...that didn't work...then i was out for me...that didn't work either...i was never out for a father figure cause i'm the best mom and dad out there...then i was out for arm candy...that really didn't work...dumber than me, younger than me...not, not, not working...so now I'm back to just living...flowing like water...
wonder where he is on the journey...cause it is a journey...but i like him and am there for him as a friend cause he's really having a hard emotional time and i never leave someone when they're down...

soooooo, that's what I'm thinking in a nutshell...
lata

parenting...

is one of the hardest jobs in the world...especially if you are doing it alone...with choclahontas is was easier in a strange way...being adopted I had a lot of support from my parents...I guess cause she was thrown at me...but the little one? no...she never spent the night out...she was stuck under my ass 24/7...i didn't treat the two differently...just treated them according to their personalities and capabilities...
I thought i was parenting ok...but according to moodmagicbarbie I'm unbearable, I'm intolerable, I'm the worst person on earth...now most children do spew these words of hate to their parents but when you are one parent who does everything in their freaking power to make a good life for you and your children I find that totally disrespectful...
I'm not asking this child to worship the ground i walk on but shit, show some respect...i never forced her to show respect, I modeled respect...i said please and thank you...compromised...thought of my children first...
but this child is angry because i didn't give her a white picket fence and siblings her age...i can't send her on 500 dollar shopping sprees cause she's tired of her wardrobe and decides to throw it all away...throw away things I busted my ass to buy...
she thinks life here is hard...word? after i give you everything i have plus...yeah i spoil my children, but life is so hard I want them to know what unconditional love is so they wont find it in the arms of an asshole...i guess i overcompensated cause their father is such an asshole...
but you think this is hard?
child dances in my room at 10 to announce she's going out...now ordinarily she wouldn't go but she has her friend...so if she doesn't go, that leaves this child going home alone, in the snow..."but she travels at 3 in the morning alone" says the lovely charming child i have....but not on my watch...so yes, she goes...she was rude, belligerent and indignant cause how dare I...whatever she feels...if she kills herself I'm gonna be the cause...word?
so you know what? you can go...bye...you think I'm such a horrible person? you think you have it hard here? go...be a street child...know what hard is...scrapple for money...sleep six to a bed...be homeless for a while...maybe then you will appreciate what you have...
i don't have time for the bullhsit...this kid makes a decision to not talk to me or anyone else...i've set her up for therapy to give her someone to talk to, she won't go...i can't make her...then you know what? go crazy on your own time...you claim your so unhappy...go find happiness...maybe you'll find it at your friends house...i'm done...kid or not...there is no way ima allow someone to consistently put me down and disrespect me especially when I provide every fucken thing you own...
so when she's ready to understand what she has, and appreciate what she has, and shows me some respect I'll listen, but until that point you're on your own kid...cause you think you'll have a better life...good luck with that...

life's ha

I proclaimed to the world that I was applying to a PhD program...I did this so I would be held accountable..,so I half assed worked on the necessary paperwork...the deadline loomed and I know I wouldn't be ready...but I was checking something on the website and guess what? the deadline was extended....hahaha to me....so I finished...and I will submit my paper work....getting in at this point is not important but that I took on a task and completed it...yay go me...
I like my friend...he's as strange as me but it's ok...
well more later...

dear diary...

why am I so overwhelming? my whole life I've felt like I'm either on an interview or I'm having to tone myself down...interesting...here's a secret...when I'm nervous I go one of two ways...I'm either really overwhelming or I walk away...
when I meet and care for someone, friend, lover, I absorb them...I want to care for them...it's like they didn't exist before I met them...well in my view they didn't...and when I go it like that space and time has ended...like a star that's blown up and burned out...
now I have no problems with folks not liking me...cause i'm a strange one I admit...and I don't open myself to folk at all cause I know I will scare them, and I also know that i will give 100% or more...too many times i've been burnt...but each person I meet and "fall in love" with I know that they don't carry the baggage of the last...so each person gets a fresh start...
but I do it time and time again...I take over and scare folks...sigh...I'm like a bull in a china shop...and dammit if someone pet me I wouldn't break the plates and I could be lead out...
so I'm wondering if in my lovely way I've driven off someone I actually do like...in my brutally honest and overwhelming way...
if you just say through the exterior I'm a good person inside...
but I run into these issues...even at work...maybe I'm too particular...at work...I know I'm not the smartest, but i find that I put myself in situations where folks try to disregard my knowledge...that's why I went to college in the first place...they discount my ideas, but I notice that they will use it as their own at a later time...
so on one hand I'm overwhelming and on the other I don't fight...interesting...
well...writing this blog is therapeutic cause since I write it raw I can go back and reread many times what my thoughts were and try to figure out a solution...
but back to my friend...he's a sweetheart...I hope in no way I've insulted him or scared him with my man arms and overwhelming personality...cause that is not my intention at all...
but I'm so "out of practice" with men and relationships I just tend to be me...should I learn to play the "game"?...ugh...this is why I don't ever let myself get past the "flirting" stage...I just don't know what to do...I know how to be a wife...to cook, share, cooperate, delegate, care for you...I would do well in an arranged marriage...I wouldn't have to go through the other stuff...sigh...
oh well...
as for work, I've talked enough about it to see where I falter...so tomorrow I'm going in with a new attitude...I know it will work cause it's coming from me...