confessions...

for years I have not been true to me...I've tried to be what people wanted me to be, say what I thought folks wanted me to say, acted, dressed, and just did whatever I felt others wanted...
well at 41 I've decided to just be me...I know why I do what I do and I'm ok with it...so here goes...

I love being single...yes sometimes I'm lonely, but usually it's not for sex but for someone to ride with when no one wants to go with me...like to Florida or somewhere really wild on the spur of the moment...I'm down for taking off on friday and driving till I'm tired, getting a room and roaming the area the rest of the weekend...or someone to have a drink with...but usually I'm quite content to be by myself with me and my candles...I've yet to meet a person that is as eclectic as me and who can roll with my many sides...and I don't like folks enough to just have certain people filling certain needs...

I really love my young boys...25 is my age of choice...that's when they're still fun, full of live with minimal baggage...but I had an insight yesterday...the love of my life was killed when he was in his late twenties and I guess I've been searching for him...but I find the older guys are jaded...stuck in their ways...got babymama/ex-wife drama...ugh...I'm willing to be with a guy and let him go have babies somewhere...I'll help raise them but will have the luxury of sending them HOME...I just don't have the patience for small kids...not on an everyday basis...but shit guys can go with girls 25 years younger than them why can't I?...ok, I've given up on the thugs, they're really a waste of time but what if I find a young fine one who's SMART, has a life and shit going for him...am I supposed to turn him away cause I was 16 when he was born? lol...I crack myself up....but finding a "man" is not the number one priority in my life...

I like people, but really feel like their stupid...now I'm NOT the smartest person in the world but I know what I know...I wish I had the time to learn more but that will come...I hate having to repeat myself...I'm proud to be drama free...

I really hate my ex...he's such an ass...I only tried to make it work cause I knew that was the only way he would deal with the kids...but that didn't work and it only made me look and feel stupid...but as a person I really can't stand him...never did...even when I first met him I didn't like him but I got used to him...and once I learned his shit I figured that I already knew it and didn't want to break in another idiot...but man I can't stand him...

I love my parents to distraction...in fact they distract me from making other friends...cause my mama will ALWAYS come first...and my poppy...enough said...

I do take my sister and kids for granted...I don't tell them I love them as much as I should...well I tell my kids but not my sis...whew they all annoy the holy shit out of me but I don't know what I'd do if they weren't in my life...

I like quiet when I come home...I need some time to do me with no talking...I talk all day and although I love you I don't want to talk to you...but I do cause I know it's important...

I don't care if I have a mouse in my house cause my house is clean and eventually then will go away on their own but I HATE when they're stuck to the trap...super double UGH...I will find a random person outside to come remove that shit...now roaches...if you see one they're a thousand inside your walls...I go berserk when I see one...

I'm the perfect woman...not perfect for every man but I'm a bad bitch...I'm so over my weight (although for health and energy reasons I want to lose) it's just too tiring to keep up with it...when it gets warmer I'll walk to and from work...MMB will have to take the train...

so that's all I can think of right now...

so now I'm going to bed so I can go see my young fine ass one in the morning...I would never mess with him cause I don't shit where I eat or screw where I work but damn a girl can dream...