so many things are swirling around

that I really don't know where or how to start...I started moving things from the old house to the new...I put down a new kitchen floor and put a shade in the bathroom...I really like this apartment...it has character...I can feel the folks from way back when, there are alot of spirits, but good not bad...I feel the era...the class...the music...the greatness that was once this complex and the folks who resided here...its weird, but I feel warm and protected being here...
its gonna be strange without choclahontas and tunner on a daily basis...but I'm looking forward to being with moodmagicbarb...choc had me all to herself for eight years, and mmb will have me hopefully for at least six...

sexychocolate and I are together everyday and he helps me tremendously...but I wont lie and say we are in a relationship...we are both using each other for what the other has to offer...
I had a long talk with babymama today...she started by leaving some nasty message, then calling me and not saying anything...but I told her she can talk to me...she said basically she doesnt want/like sexychocolate and that (which she didn't verbalize directly)she was making her husband (whom she claims she's divorcing) jealous...she confirmed what sexy told me, and that is they haven't been intimate since she found out she was pregnant...she wasn't nasty to me and said she just wants him to see the baby...she did not take responsibility for some dumbshit she did the other day (which I saw first hand)and told only half the story...but whatever...I got my own shit...I talked with sexy about it without getting too involved and not asking his side (cause basically I don't care)...

choclahontas is defiantly feeling some kind of way about this whole moving process...I feel bad for her, but its not like I didn't tell her about this from the beginning...she's my child and I love her dearly, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and make moves...I know she will be ok, and I hope that she does not feel I'm throwing her away, because I'm not, but I know that this need to be done to make her get serious and make some goals to aspire to.

Tunner, or whirlwind, is funny as hell, however he's taking to cursing which is really not funny...but he knows its wrong, and if we curse he looks at us and says "no, powpow, no say dat"...when he curses and you look at him or say something he immediately says "oh SHOOOT, oh man"..."fuck outta here" is his new favorite along with "oh SHIT"...
whirlwind knows his mama and her capabilities, or lack of...he wanted cereal, and he asked her many times...she put cereal in the bowl, but forgot the milk..."milk, mama" he said...she forgot to give him a spoon...he climb off the chair and went to the box where the silverware is grumblling "poon, ^%*$!@#$%^^%$$##@#, poon, no mama poon"...he got his spoon sat down and ate...
the other day when choc was in a tude, he leaned over to sexy and said "mama attitude, right?"...
so I hope my ramblings are coherent...I'm tired and trying not to be overwhelmed...I have to write a final tomorrow and tuesday that class gets theirs..so I have to grade finals and papers and get all my shit out by dec thirty-first...

IM FINALLY MOVING!

so I found a beautiful apartment in the Dunbar apartment complex...its small but spread out, so its cozy not tight-second floor (two apartments to the floor)...its rent stabilized and affordable...Moodmagic and I will be comfortable in our new digs...Choclahontas is a little shocked that I really went through with this, but she will be ok...We are now going to look for a one bedroom for her and tunnertine (who is getting big and really talking-I will tell you that in a min)...
I'm tired but I promise to update you on all later or tomorrow...

I'M TIRED I'M TIRED I'M TIRED

so folks I really have to move ASAP...landlady has violated, idiot piece of shit is relishing in his accomplishment of ruining my life (he thinks)...but the joke is I always land on my feet and everything happens for a reason...I feel like the children of Israel when they fled Egypt...I'm about half packed...
I'm going to look at a prewar one bedroom apartment that has been in wildfires family for 40 years...although its a one bedroom, its supposed to be really big...and the rent, I won't even mention the quote I got cause everyone will want to live off my surplus...I will be able to save and hopefully purchase something in a year or too, or just buy fancy handbags and really nice shoes!!!! I have NEVER had a time when I didn't struggle financially. Moodmagicbarb and I don't need a lot of space, she's never home on the weekends anyway...

Choclahontas I guess will be staying with bearmaiden till feb 1st when she's supposed to get her own apt....we are going to put her bed and clothes in storage...
I know bearmaiden is feeling MANY ways about this and I'm really sorry, but we are fleeing this apt...landlady is waiting gleefully to bring the cops to the house and put my shit on the street...she's said as much to lawyerman...so I don't have time...
I know that choclahontas needs bearmaiden right in thru here...she has come to the end of her progression with me because she is too busy rebelling...you can't do that with a small child...I also know that she will get on her own a hell of a lot faster being with bearmaiden than with me...
so pray that this apt is really nice, cause if it is I will be paying for it and moving in this weekend...my goal is to have this apartment empty by sunday night dec. 16th...

Hey today is the 17th anniversary of the accident choclahontas and I were in...a building collapsed on us...my leg was completely broken below my knee and above my ankle (I don't have that ankle bump, it was completely crushed) and I have plates and screws holding my leg together...choclahontas had a skull fracture...I had nine stitches in my head (umm, maybe that's why I'm soo crazy) and a bone graph from my hip to my crushed ankle...I have beautiful scars on my leg...if you look carefully you can see the scar on the left side of choclahontas hair line and on the side of her head in front of her ear...
she was in the hospital for a week, during which her eyes were swollen shut..she had racoon eyes for a few months...I was in the hospital for two weeks and had a six hour operation to reconstruct my broken bones...I was in a full leg cast for three months...thats when idiot piece of shit started talking to me (I knew him before and never liked him)...he smelled money...me in my weakened state thought he really meant well and was there to help me...right...

So I tired as shit...I taught tonight and came home and packed...like I said I'm more than half done...the kitchen is almost done, the book case is done...I just have to do the rest of the kitchen and start working on MMB's room...choclahontas in another story...I think she gonna need the help of bigbear and bearmaiden...I just don't have the energy...

A beautiful moment....

once in a while it's proven to me that I am an effective person/social worker and it moves me to tears...it's not because I'm great or have all the answers, cause I don't, but because I am able to convey my knowledge so the person can process it, assist in developing their own plan and take action...

You have to understand that I can not disclose specific details about folks, even though I don't use real names, for confidentiality reasons...it would hurt my heart if they happen to stumble across my blog and see that I'm revealing their secrets, so I have to give the abbreviated story...

I have a friend/love (we decided that I will be a mentor, not girlfriend, which is ok with me cause I see this dudes heart which is beautiful and want him to remain in my life)...he's having a hard time in life...a very hard time...he had a really fucked up childhood, but had caring folk that took him in a did the best they could...he made a few wrong turns and is paying the price...

He came to me the other night and spilled his story...from beginning to end...I listened for two hours and did not say anything...but two themes emerged...he felt that he could only get positive results from being violent, disrespectful and rude, or paying folks off...the other theme is that everyone tells him its going to be ok, they admire his strength and keep his head up, but at the end of the day his fundamental needs are not being met...he still needs carfare to find a job and food (dude goes all day without eating sometimes)...

I walked with this conversation on my mind for a few days...I talked it over with bigbear (not being specific of course) and other folk...some got it, some didn't...I thought about how I would feel if I were in his place and how I feel when I'm faced with difficult situations...
for one, I hate when I have no food/money/bill can't get paid and someone tells me "you will be ok" duh, I know I WILL be ok, but I'm NOT ok now...I need to know what I can do to change my situation at that moment...

I realized that folk who are in difficult situations need concrete solutions...that's not telling them WHAT to do, but what needs to be done to achieve results...also folks need a boost...sometimes it's money (you need money to make money) or supplies to make a product, or information (specific people to call, specific places to go)...
I also looked at why dude has filled out MANY job applications and has not been called...

I realized that:
-dude had attachment/rejection issues that affects his interpersonal interactions
-he is clinically depressed
-on paper he is a loser but as a person he is a gem
-he needed concrete solutions in order to develop a game plan

so with this information I formulated the following plan:
-dude had to try it my way with an open heart and mind
-dude needed to sell himself at job interviews/when picking up/filling out applications
-he needed to wear the "uniform" of the job interviewee- white collared shirt, tie, kackies, nice shoes and belt
-he needed a weekly metrocard in order to go to job interviews

I explained to him that I understand why he does what he does and why he thinks the way he does...and I showed him the connections between his experiences and how it relates/affects his difficulties in life...I told him what he needs to do/say on an interview and gave him 40.00 for a weekly metrocard and two white shirts and ties...concrete solutions...

I did not hear from hear from him until today, when he came to the job dressed to the nines in a button down shirt and tie, kackies, shoes, no hat, and a nice belt...he had filled out 12 applications, had a stack to fill out, and had been promised 1 call back...

I am so proud of him...I couldn't stop hugging him...the ladies on the job complemented him and told him how professional he looked...he BEAMED...he wore his clothes all day, showing his mom, the block, the folks he lives with...all day he got positive feedback and results...he was happy, relaxed and at that moment ready to face the future cause today the future doesn't look so bleak...

the saga continues....

so I will be moving after all...I just can't take the negativity...landlady wants to blame me/make me pay for her mistakes and inability to be an effective landlady...being a social worker I am used to folks projecting their bullshit on me...thats transference and its ok, but I want to leave that shit at work...not bring it into my home.

*disclaimer* nothing I say is absolute...I can only draw an opinion from my experience and the experiences of those around me.

I have noticed that there is a bunch of black women out there that fall into a certain category...you know the type, afro-centric, well educated, either with locks, very short hair, or natural hair...slightly overweight and claim to be health conscious (till they go home behind closed doors and eat their loneliness/anger away)...they usually hold good jobs, tend to be professors, lawyers, teachers and administrators (for some reason I have not come across this type in the direct care SW field), and all own their own home (some have tenants)...most tend to be overachievers and are involved in many activities and functions (to cover for lonely nights perhaps)...most come from the hood, but you would never know it by the way they speak or behave- till they throw it up in your face to show you that they MADE IT and why can't you...they travel the world (with girlfriends of course, cause they ain't paying for that no-good black man)...

Boy are they ANGRY...they have only work and other single females (just like them of course) that they commiserate and hang out with...they have no men (none are good enough) and none have children...they are generally between 35 and 45...They claim to care for the community and most don't aspire to be white...quite the opposite...they welcome their ethnicity and really don't do anything to accentuate their beauty (like shave their legs or armpits) and will splurge on Afrocentric handbags and expensive non-logo bags (coach leather is a big hit- which is a direct contradiction cause most are vegetarian) and expensive business suits...oh, but during down-time they look like slave-girl sally...

But ooo-wee you got to look out for them...they will tell you what your doing wrong in your life and do whatever's necessary to put you down to cover for their own personal inadequacies.
There are two professors at my college who fit this bill...one got fired on the spot (I took over her class) for talking down to her students, and the other I had when I was at the college (it was her first semester teaching) and years later she's still spewing the hate and still single...landlady and lawyerlady also fit into this stereotype...

I am water...watch me flow

around the bullshit of life...if you are rigid like a stick you will get stuck and caught between the obstacle rocks that jut out of the river bed...

the apartment was/is absolutely beautiful, but there was a catch that thanks to hypervigilantbarbies's other half thegrinch caught...I would be responsible for paying for my own heat and hot water...talking to my crazy neighbor, formally of downstairs, he informed me that it could cost me as much as 400 dollars a month...it will show up on my con-ed bill...so I told the couplelandlords I couldnt risk that and took my deposit back...

on the homefront I sent an email to landlady outlining her total disregard for the minor in the apartment by not addressing the heat situation, called 311, and got INSTANT results...the heat is on and set to 70 degrees...

I hate to say, but some folks that are of my culture are very superficial...when lawyerlady came to my apartment, she was mouthy until she saw my fordam masters degree hanging on the wall...then her tone softened...so sat, when she told me that she was going to "fix" the thermostate, we got into a conversation...long story short, she mentioned that she attended Harvard and NYU law school...not missing the opportunity to show her up, I disclosed that Poppy went to Harvard but a long time ago as he is now 70..."oh" she gushed "he went in the late fifties...he paved the way for people like me...oh and faced discrimination and succeeded"..."yes" I said "hes (a known black writer)...and hes now a TENURED professor"..."oh" she continued to gush as her tone softened as she felt that we ARE on the same level after all...
I told her I CHOOSE to live in the hood (yes bitch, this IS the hood)to be close to those I serve...I also told her that I wont/cant pay 2000 and I will move..."we set on that figure because other apartments in the area go for that much, and your kitchen is HUGE"..."no, that's cross town where the white folks live, in this neck of the hood the 3 bedroom are going for 1300, and I found one around the corner...what the phone number?"...I could hear her brain ticking...if she leaves, landlady will have to fork over 2800 and if other apts are going for 1300, we may not be able to rent this...ummm, maybe I should back off...
So she talked and assured me we would work something out..."oh, (landlady) speaks so highly of you...she said you're just alike...I don't know where all this is coming from"..."oh, I don't know either"...yeah I do know where its coming from, that fat bastard..."yes, I clean the property, and take care of the garbage"..."yes, you do maintaince" she rephrased...uh yeah, someone paying 2000 a month WONT do that...they would have to hire a super...

so yesterday when the heat came on (the dude that came told oliveoil my neighbor the boiler was off) lawyerlady wanted to come in and check the radiators, but my phone was dead and I wasnt home, so I returned the call..."blah blah blah, yes, we will be moving the thermostate, blah blah blah...there wont be an issue with the heat anymore"...I know thats right... I told her to call me in the week and let me know what landlady has to say about the rent..."of course" she said as she rushed me off the phone...

it hit me then that they wished they could crawl in a hole and disappear...they didn't realize my power when they decided to tangled with me...I am not going to contact anyone, I am going to allow them to save face and act like this bullshit never happened, and I will pay my rent on the first like I always do...and wait to see what other blunders these two educated fools make...

today is a better day...

I found the apt of my dreams...and its around the corner from my current house (which is still cold as hell...I'm sitting in the kitchen in front of the stove)...as a matter of fact I can see this house from my new bedroom window...its three bedrooms, but one bedroom is very small...I will use it as a library and office...and two full bathrooms...its owned by a youngish hardworking spanish couple...
In my happiness I still feel sad...choclahontas still does not want to move with me...i keep asking her...but she hasnt looked for an apt. either..she doesnt understand the time frame...I'm out on Dec. 1st...I will be damnned if I give idiotlandlady another dime...but I found a one bedroom in harlem...I hope it works out for her...
I told the couple that there is a chance that she might stay for two months, but I doubt it cause choclahontas doesnt want it...but shes sad and overwhelmed and I'm sad too...she's a slob, but I will miss her...shes lived with me all her life...It's going to be quiet, but I know she will be there alot...

my life has exploded like a fireball...

...and the ashes have fallen at my feet...

Landlady is a fucken bitch, and idiot is a fucken jackass...I have been telling you that landlady was up to something...she really got stupid when she turned down the heat, resulting in us not having heat for the last three weeks. When I brought this up to me she began to talk down to me, telling me that the heat will NEVER go above 55 degrees at night and 65 degrees during the day...uh bitch, this is an old drafty, uninsulated house...ITS FUCKEN COLD, and I DONT do cold...

to make a very long story short we had a fire in the lot next door...an abandoned car got set of fire...we evacuated next door but no damage was done to the house...I, like a good tenant, told bitchy landlady...she took the opportunity to do a "walk through" with her lawyer, who took the opportunity to yell at landlady in the house in front of choclahontas "yeah, you are charging WAY below market, as your lawyer you SHOULD charge 2000"...now remember bitch wannabe never renewed my lease in march so I have no protection because this in only a two family house and I am at the mercy of this powerhungry bitch...
so I called her (cause I was at work when she did the "walk through"- how convienent) and told her what is her issue and Im not going to play games with her...she got nasty and put youngdumbfatlawyer on the phone who said "i dont have time to play games with you"...I asked for her name and number so my lawyer can get in touch with her...I guess they never thought I would KNOW a REAL LAWYER...very long story shorter...landlady left a message on my phone telling me that she works hard to substidize my living and shes been paying for me for the lengh of time I've lived here and oh, I'm a indescent human being...and if I make a legal battle, I will have to pay her legal fees...whatever...I'm shaking I'm so scared...

that's how I know idiotbabydaddy has his handprint on this...he makes it his business to badmouth me...his best friend is her "little brother"...get the picture? Also, about two weeks ago idiotbabydaddy called moodmagicbarba and said "no matter what happens I will always love you"...huh?...this at seven in the morning, out of the blue...oh yeah, he was up here this weekend but couldn't see MMB for her birthday...

so anywho, I told idiotlandlady that I'm moving...and wrote her a letter (as she instructed cause you know I wouldn't have known that)and included my lawyers name and phone number (who by the way is a friend of mine)...I was sitting with coollawyer and youngdumbfatlawyer called...as coollawyer said "scared...I smell fear...her voice was shakey"...ummm, didn't think I knew folks huh...
so I'm moving as soon as possible...why? because what landlady forgot is I pay her morgage...my 1400 a month pays her morgage...who has the last laugh now you dumb ass...so I'm out...in the middle of winter...take that bitch...

choclahontas does not want to move with me...hopefully my friends old apt will come through (friend left babydaddy but hes been at her house for the last two weeks...so he needs to just move in and give choclahontas the apt), I will find out tomorrow...me and MMB found an apt in the shadows of yankee stadium...its kind of out of the way, and has a teeny tiny living room, but it has nine windows and alot of light which is a requirement for me...I don't know...its gonna be weird without choclahontas and tunnertine, but I WONT miss the mess which has EXPLODED over the last weeks...

on the other note...sexychocolate and I are not speaking anymore...he and his babymama have agreed to work it out...whatever, shes a skanky one, but I'm not in the business to change minds...so I told him to let me go and do him...if we are ment to be together then it will be...until then don't call me or see me...I don't see the point...but I miss him...hes fun...we wrestle and fight...and he was my shadow, my rolldog...but I'm not birthing babies and I'm glad he wants to make a family...I've been single for 12 years so a few more years wont hurt/bother me...

so I'm tired...tired of doing this alone...tired of making these major decisions on my own...tired of choclahontas explosive mess (its like a flourball)...UGH...I NEED AN APARTMENT AND A FUCKEN VACATION...

its been a while...

I needed to give this writing thing a break...I had to ask myself why am I writing...to appease others? to find myself? to have a forum to complain? did I want to write just to get comments (of which I don't get often...which is ok sometimes)...
Also I don't have an addictive personality, so I do things, move on, then come back to it...

So if anyone is really interested I will update you...

I love my sexychocolate...he is my rolldog, my sidekick, my shadow...we spend every day together...hes okay with being in the passenger seat...we bicker, we think alike...its weird...I will think something and he will say it...that only happens with a few folks...my kids and wildfire come to mind...I will look at something and he will say "look ma..." He's going through a really hard time right now, but he's holding strong and has not given in to the temptation of the street...yet...he knows I won't tolerate that. I told him I wouldn't take a dime of dirty money, and he wouldn't be invite back...I think he loves/respects me too much to fuck this up. He has drama, but it doesn't affect me or my relationship with him, and that's cool.
I have to admit, this love thing was completely unexpected and hit me over the head...he's so wrong for me, and hypervigilantbarb jumped in my shit about settling (so bearmaiden you don't have to), but the thing is he is the kindest, gentlest, and most respectful dude that has ever crossed my path...bearmaiden, think beautiful hair has a guy...yeah, complete with tears and giving every homeless person his change...and it's not lust AT ALL...though we've had some beautiful and tender makeout sessions (I can hear MMB gagging and slamming the laptop shut)...

Moodmagicbarbie is doing ok...minus a few mood swings, but I have to admit, they are really few and far between. she's still secretive as hell, but she is opening up more...she likes sexychocolate, but doesn't like the idea of sharing me with anyone...

choclahontas...I love her more than life itself but the bitch gotta go...I'm being run out of the house by the dirty laundry...I told her she can stay but the shit gotta go...well actually I gave her the deadline...yes, bearmaiden the deadline...feb 4th...

My chocolate sunshine is sick...hes fighting a cold...his chest is tight and wheezes when he jumps around too much...we're holding off on taking him to the doctor cause I'm convinced that the asthma medication makes it worse...he's sleeping peacefully now so I'm not too worried...I lived with asthma with bearmaiden and choclahontas so I know...

In another post, I will discuss the downward spiral of our minority men...watching sexychocolate and others it has become clear to me how it happens...now we have to figure out as strong women how to turn the trend around...

bloglife is boring me...

too many things happen in my day for me to keep track of...then when I get home I have to deal with bullshit and choclahontas creeping mess...rather its a vine out of control...I have to beat it back...I pray to God that he grants me a miracle so she can move out...I've pushed her move out date to Feb when she gets money again...
I've applied for a third job, hopefully that will come through then I can pay the rent by myself, and have some money left over to eat...

I'm also very angry at God...I've been single for 12 years...I had one dude who was strictly a babysitter, but he turned out to be a creep...he lived with me for exchange of childcare (poppabear was very sick, bigbear was stressed, bearmaiden was pregnant and I was in the second half of my semester in school and I didn't want to drop out)...and the other dude was strictly there to get back at the devil himself (aka idiot)...needless to say that was a dumb move and it didn't work out either...
so anyway...
the guy that I am most compatible with is 13 years my junior, an ex-con and has a girl pregnant (but there is a 50/50 chance its not his cause she fessed up to fucking around)...but he is the sweetest, most considerate guy I have ever met...he's wonderful with the girls...he was a friend to choclahontas, her "brother" in the street...he has liked me for years (I think about 4 or 5) and used to lie about his age to get me to go on a date with him...
he is definitely a diamond in the rough, but is not stupid...but this is what God always does to me...he will show me someone/something special, then put all kinds of ridiculous obstacles in my way...I've learned to keep it moving, and not even engage...but on the other hand, I got another raise...go figure...

fear translates into hostility...

is what bigbear always says...and she has a point...while cyberstalking my landlady I found she has not paid the water bill...today the light company sent a notice saying that the light bill has not been paid...I feel bad...it still doesn't give her the right to be nasty and sneaky and its really not for her to tell me her situation, but since I live in the house we are all in this together...
I realized that she is afraid that I will leave...and if in fact she is having financial difficulties I'm sure she's panicking about giving me the 2800 dollar security deposit back...
as God would have it, my washing machine is leaking water from underneath...its not the hosing, but probably just that the thing is 12 years old...the dryer works, but the timer died a long time ago...so I will let both go...which helps with her water bill and my light bill, so its a win win...I don't want to buy another washer/dryer cause I don't want a new bill...so Laundromat here we come...

sexychocolate is being sexychocolate...his BM is giving him a fit...the clock ticked out and I'm over that crush...yes, I flip in a day...dread talked to me and expressed wanting to take me to dinner...so maybe this weekend or next...

bigbear is disgusted by all men...she was just bashing them all...oh well...

I'm back if only for a moment

life sucks...landlady is being an ass...I cyberstalked her and found out some interesting shit...
she told me to clear the terrace of my "stuff" which includes my rock garden and my chairs, so she can redo the terrace...I really don't see anything wrong out there, and she said something about a leak, which I've never heard of or seen...and we've had some downpours...but it seems that she can only legally raise the rent if there is structural improvements made to the property...so the hotwater heater didn't qualify, nor will refinancing the house...so the bitch has to invent an issue to raise the rent...and all because her tax abatement ended july 1st...this bitch thinks I'm dumb...but I'm going to have the last laugh...

I told her I am no longer going to clean the halls and outside, I'm not doing the garbage (even though it KILLS me not too, cause I can't stand to live in filth) and I want to know ASAP what percentage she's raising the rent...I didn't tell her but if I'm not satisfied I'm out...I dont have a lease...I will restore the apartment to its orginal condition/color and call it a day...what she isn't taking into account is that I pay her morgage...dumb bitch...

choclahontas is getting on my nerves...she's overwhelmed, cold, tired, everything not to clean her room...that poor child lives in my room cause he can't stand to be in a nasty environment...he's his grandmothers child..."put her out" screams bearmaiden...but its really not that easy...first there are NO apartments...she never had a real job, has little to no credit, and not enough money to pay the rent/security..."its not your problem" screams bearmaiden...uh, yeah it is...the shelter system WONT take her because she has a place to live...she does not have a steady boyfriend who she can move in with (and would we really want that?)...she cant get on welfare or get section 8...

Im feeling very stuck...like I'm always sitting around waiting for folks...choclahontas fucked up her time so I couldn't go to the gym because I had to relieve bigbear who had bigboy (tunner)...bigboy wont go to bed/sleep in her room, so I have to wait for him to go to sleep before I can enter my room and get ready for bed...I'm waiting for the idiot landlady to decide what she's going to do...I have to determine if I'm moving if I have to drag choclahontas along...UGH...

So sexychocolate, who is thirteen years my junior, is sniffing around again...we have flirted before but now he has a babymama (who hasn't given birth yet) who he is trying to develop a relationship with, they met a year ago now, and after four months she was pregnant...he has been a big brother figure to choclahontas, and she was upset when I told her thats gonna be her daddy, moodmagicbarb doesn't mind...whatever...so I guess I should just screw the hell out of him just because...that's what condoms are for...maybe I will feel better if I get my groove back...

so that's it...

random thoughts...

having my laptop up and running in my room is very interesting because I can roll out of bed and post when I feel it...before, I would think of something to write, but would dread going down stairs.

choclahontas and I had a brief, but good, conversation...I helped her, and she allowed me, to navigate pita this afternoon...we then talked about her moving out...she said she's wanted to be on her own for a while, but thought she was letting me down, I let her know that I didn't feel she was ready before, and I definitely did NOT want her to be on her own with crazy-ass pita...I told her I saw things that she didn't and she admitted that she saw them too...
you see bearmaiden, I don't have to give ultimatums to get my way...the bitch is going...I'm playing...but we agreed its time...

the male cousin footballplayerken is over...MMB loves him, hes taken the place of her corrupted brothers (sexoffenderken and yodaken) he's fourteen and is my best friends hypervigilantbarbie's son...

so choclahontas put tunner to sleep in her own bed, and has gone out with divacuntbitchken/barbie for a little while...

I'm still thinking about my curriculum, and should have stuff together by the end of the week

professorhat: the semester ended in the beginning of June...a few folks (about three) did not hand in final papers so their grade reflected that...do you know that two actually have approached me to hand in this paper and do you know I have to accept it? one never sent in the paper, and the other just emailed it to me, and acted like it was due yesterday and asked me to please hurry up and change her grade before the deadline...WHA?
see that's a crock, and that's why folks don't get ahead...they don't have to work hard because everything is handed to them on a platter...if it were up to me, if that paper isn't handed in by the end of the week, that's it...especially when they had at least four weeks to write it...

a last thought...I noticed that a blog that I read often has a paypal thingie where folks can make donations...are you serious?...and I wonder how much money this person really makes for writing a blog...now I admit, its a funny well written blog, and they have a LOT of comments, but does this warrant a donation? so if I set up a paypal account will I get donations too? cause Lord knows I really need the cash...that hundred I had left over has shrunk to about forty and I don't have my savings any more, that was spent at the pow wow...

hey...I need your help, and no, its not about donations for the security deposit

So I have been tapped to conduct the monthly parenting class, being the social worker and all...It's fun and I really don't mind...
I will do one session a month, and I have 12 months...If anyone out there cares and reads my blog, send me suggestions on what you would like to have covered in a parenting group at your child's daycare. I have my ideas (as I developed and conducted a parenting group before) but I want to see where folks mindsets are these days...

God save me...I want choclahontas OUT!!! this stupid landlord is making no moves to call me back and give me the address to the apartment we are supposed to view tomorrow...but I have to be honest, I did not give her the deadline (I know, I know, bearmaiden, don't tell me the nasty comment in person or on line) and I would miss my chocolate sunshine SOOOOOOOOO much- even though his shredded "nose" (tissue) is all over the house and in my bed, and up his nose...

All hail the queen...moodmagicbarbie has a boyfriend!!!!!! and it's really a boy...the rainbow belt went into the garbage and that phase is OVER...on to the next...black nail polish, smoking weed (just kidding, she's WAY to paranoid)...
Hey, she returned my vibrator...LOL...she told me that its not "proper" and I was "sick"...who the fuck told her to go through my drawers in the first place... it was a gage gift from choclahontas but to spite MMB I told her I'm going to use it... I know, I know...the visuals...ugh...

So I'm really relaxed, happy and stress free...the job is going well and I'm happy to be back at work... the kids are manageable...I could pay all my bills and still had a hundred dollars left over till the next payday which means we can eat...and I start teaching next week, which I really love...

back to work...and other thoughts

good new, better news and bad news...
bad news...I may not get the retro check I was counting on...I hope so, I ran up almost nine hundred dollars on my interest-free credit card in anticipation of that money...
good news...I can still work five days, the site manager got approved for a social worker for seven hours a week and she named me...yea
better news...I got a raise and thought it was my state raise, but it wasn't, it was a agency raise, so I still get a state raise (and hopefully that g*ddamn retro check)...

too much information (TMI)...I started taking Metamucil on a regular basis...after the initial bloat the shit started flowing...its weird to shit everyday and not strain...will it result in weight loss? I wonder, but don't care...

moodmagicbarb was angry that I shared her text...I wasn't poking fun, but she is so cute...never mind she reads my blog and I can't read hers...can't find it either, the bitch...
She had a wonderful first day of school...I think this will be a better year...

Tunner is back in my bed, but she's at the laundry washing some clothes, sheets and her nasty comforter...she is truly a night owl...
She has agreed to view an apartment in the boogiedown on Friday...it was recommended to us by a friend and is supposed to be eight hundred to eight fifty a month in a private house...we will be taking a collection for the security deposit in order to save my sanity...thanks...

pita pulled rank and would not turn tunner over last night, making choclahontas wait till this morning at seven...I love my kid, but right is right and wrong is wrong...she's not really talking about it, but hearing both stories, and knowing my child, it seems she took all day to pick him up, and pita got vindictive...
whatever...

its not my child and I only intervene when tunner is stressed or someone has the potential to get hurt...

so I'm off to bed...I love going to work...the vacation was beginning to wear on my nerves...

vacations over...

back to work and school...Moodmagicbarbie and I are actually happy...choclahontas is not as she is just faced with being alone...
MMB gets very anxious and needs to accomplish her personal list in the order she has determined. On the top of the list was getting her nails done.
While I was witnessing the Sun get his orange belt (for which I'm very proud) I got a seris of text:
*OMG...kan u plz hurry up nd pik me up bcuz nobody wants 2 go anywhere!!!!*
I replied that I was in Yonkers and couldn't get to her...and we could get the nails done tomorrow if it gets to late
*NO WE R NOT 2MORROW!!!!!!!!!IS THE LAST DAY b4 school I need to exfoliate nd u need 2 do mii hair...I NEED this done 2day*

Exfoliate? what the hell...

So her and her friends walked over the bridge (without choclahontas) and got the nails did...

she texted me later and asked if her and the girls could go to the movies...I said I really don't have the money...
the response:
*its okay ma no pressure...I'm in a gud space rite now, I can't wait to go home nd exfoliate myself, clean mi room, nd then 2morrow u can do my hair*

you gotta love her...

choclahontas is being twenty...baby is spending the night with pita and she has gone clubbing...yes, on Sunday- but I guess tomorrows a holiday...

I got a lead on a one bedroom for 800...she wants to see it...but she told MMB that I'm putting her out because MMB complain about how choclahontas talks to me...whatever...

I really love these girls...they are funny...but I wonder how to have a relationship with choclahontas once she moves out...you see I don't visit folks often, and I don't ever want her to feel that I have totally abandoned her when I don't come to her house often...they sure don't write the book on these stages in life...you find tons of literature on the early years, but once they hit eight it all but dries up...you find a few things on preteens, then the literature dries up completely ...

I have to be honest, I really don't want her to move out and wish she could be more organized...we could go so much further if we do it together, but I know she can't grow while living in my house...
Maybe MMB and I will move to a smaller apartment for less rent...

to continue...

I told her today "though I love you madly, you have to make a choice, if your ADHD is as bad as you say, then you have to get medication to help you focus and learn strategies to survive...if that's not the case, then you ARE being lazy and taking advantage in which case you have to move out"...she is ready to go, but scared, as was I when I was faced with raising her...
You are all right, but I had to get to this point...I believe in cooperation. I feel folks can go much further if they work together...but she is lazy, and now has taken to the club scene...its ok when tunners with pita, but not okay when he's here...
she traipsed out of here looking like a straight hooker...riding the train by herself...I got her to at least put on sneakers to travel...
I really don't expect her to be me, or NOT to have any fun, or not to go out, but she has to balance it with being there for the baby...
I am a nurturer and know that she will not be responsible as long as she is with me...but like you outgrow your friend or man, we've outgrown each other..she needs to know that if she doesn't wash the tub, it wont get clean, or if she doesn't wash the dishes, they wont clean themselves...
So I will start looking on craigslist, she pays me 850 now, so I know she can afford that...I will have to put the apartment in my name cause she does not have credit or a job...

on another note, this dude I've been speaking to from craigslist is very interesting...he claims he is a pilot for a private company...He was able to back it up...I wonder how much of what he says is true...I will fill you in later cause now I'm tired...

the love is over

choclahontas is really being difficult...Bearmaiden says to put her out...yeah that would be great, but she has no job, no money and no where to go...and since (she reminds me often)she pays the rent here and on time, she really doesn't have to go anywhere or listen to what I have to say...

She is not dealing with tunner at all...she let pita take him everyday from 9 or 11 to 4...he gets him two overnights a week...I'm not opposed to pita taking the baby, but when tunner comes home, she is either not around or she will come home, give him a bath and then leave the house before hes asleep "I'm out"..."where are you going?" "out" "no, get back here and put your child to sleep"...that, most nights, disintegrates into him screaming hysterically and her getting agitated and saying "you want powpow? stop it" as she has the tv blaring...in the morning she wont get up till around 10 till tunner is walking in circles saying "cmine, woofa, cmine mama woofa"...or he will just go downstairs and try to go in the fridge...

I generally go to sleep before anyone, so tunner is put in my bed...plus, he wont sleep in her room, he wakes up and gets in my bed.
So tonight, she actually picked him up from his father, and came home...I thought she gave him a bath, so when she wanted to walk her friend to the train, I said sure...tunner and I read, then he pulled on his pamper and said "doodoo, peepee"...I touched his pamper and realized that he hadn't been changed in hours...I put him in the tub and fell asleep putting him to sleep...choclahontas came in but I didn't know it...

She cleaned her room by stuffing things in her closet...her clothes haven't been washed in going on two to three months, and she hasn't emptied her bag from the pow wow...

she told me she's going out...I told her no, she couldn't go out because she came in at five this morning...she told me I'm annoying her, and nagging her and since she pays rent I can't tell her what to do...I said yeah well you're a mother and I'm not watching your kid, I'm putting him in your bed...she said she doesn't care...I told her she has been avoiding tunner, and not spending quality time with him...her response was that is her problem and I need to leave her the fuck alone...I told her not to go out, but she slammed out the house anyway...I'm sure she wont be back until five or six in the morning, where she will sleep through tunners breakfast, and then get up to ship him to his father.

yes, putting her out would be great, but I would have to find an apartment and pay for it...she didn't register for school, she's not looking for a job, and when she does want a job, she tries to apply for something she is so not qualified for.
She does NOTHING...I can't even get her to clean up tunners highchair when he finishs eating, or throwing out his shitty diapers...she has TWO cellphones, but basically has run out of money cause she spent it on pita...

I told her today, if her ADHD is that bad she has three choices...
1.get medication 2.develop aids to help her get through the day or 3. get the fuck out, to which she replied "I don't have to, I pay rent".

Moodmagicbarb is her infinite wisdom asked me "well, since you let choclahontas talk to you crazy and she doesn't do anything around the house, why should I be respectful and do things?" I told her well, she's 20, and what she is doing is not right, and please don't act like her it really stressed me more...so far so good...

So bearmaiden, if your advice is putting her out, shes coming to live with you...but I'm sure you will have to come and pack her shit, and I'm sure you will be stuck with the baby regularly...I'm sure you can do a better job of handling her than me because I'm done...

I have become my sister...

...I'm a computer whore!!! I had issues syncing my motoQ...it wasn't acting right so I took it back to bestbuy to have it fixed...I couldn't sync it, it wasn't reading...I sat here for four hours till I figured the shit out...two things, 1. I REALLY need to go back to work and 2.I did it all by myself, and actually sat here...not good...

If you want to buy a major new-fangled phone, it's best to get it at bestbuy...pay for their warranty...it rocks...I got my phone fixed and they upgraded all my applications FOR FREE (well, not really, I paid for the warranty) but during the time my phone was getting fixed, I was given a loaner phone (not a Q of course).

So I was able to download all six of my pow wow pictures- I rely heavily on bearmaidens pictures- and new music...

so I'm going back to play...

Hey, moodmagicbarb sorted and washed her own clothes today without me asking...she only flooded the kitchen once (the sponge fell in the sink), but she cleaned it up...I yelled at her, but felt bad, I tried to make up, but she wasn't having it...

Tunner threw a major screaming fit at bedtime, but choclahontas was the master of the screams so it really didn't phase me one bit...

I had a wonderful day with the girls...tunner was with pita...we got our eyebrows threaded (which is beautiful, but hurts like hell), and sat in the park and ate our organic chicken salad wraps...I really love my girls, I give them grief, but they are really the best...

all is well

landlady redeemed herself...I sent an email, not nasty, and she did not respond. However later in the afternoon the locksmith came and installed a very expensive pickproof lock...I saw her and she really didn't want a confrontation (which I would never do) I told her I wasn't mad and I still loved her...so I guess she doesn't want me out and I was making her issues mine.

So while I was perusing craigslist I found a post on the misc section where a dude was asking for someone to talk to...his post said he was not looking for a hookup but he was getting divorced and was really hurting...I sent words of encouragement. He responded and we've been in contact. Now, he has not come on to me at all, nor do I get the feeling from his posts that he is psychotic (though I could be wrong). He has been forthright (too a point I know).
So we exchanged pictures and he is cute...again, this is not a hook-up...I'm leery of hooking up with anyone on the web...
But I count this as my introduction to cyber-friends...its kinda cool, now I see why bearmaiden spends HOURS on the computer...but all this will end next week when I go back to work...back to the real world...

here we go again,,,

Landlady at her best...my toilet backed up...old toilet, super absorbent tissue that doesn't dissolve...I told her I would pay to have the toilet snaked...she said fine, I'm sending someone, she didn't discuss the cost, or if I would be paying at the time of service...so he shows up, she doesn't...I have to shell out 125.00 to get my toilet snaked!!! for that I could buy my own snake and do the shit myself...He's happy, she's avoiding me (or maybe not) and I'm fuming...so I sent her an email, just saying that next time she should discuss the cost first, thus giving me the option to find someone else or wait...
I'm almost convinced that I need to buy my own house...I really don't want to buy a house, but as tunner gets older, and choclahontas doesn't look like she's moving anywhere anytime soon, we will need more space eventually...ugh, but the thought doesn't make me happy...I see more responsibility, more money going/flying out, more space to clean...
But the upside is the tax write-off and my own fullfledge garden...
bearmaiden is convinced we should go to Florida...don't know if that's where I want to be, but no investigation no right to speak...
So in the meantime, I will ignore landlady, pay my rent, and live my life...but I hate passive/aggressive people, and the shit of it is, she is totally see-through...

Pow wows rock and roll...

Check Bearmaiden for pictures, but WOW...I love going to Schemtzun!!!! I got to sleep in the elders room with bigbear and the Elder cause I have a grandchild... choclahontas and bearmaiden dragged me out of the room to walk around the casino floor...next year choclahontas will be 21 so we can go in the clubs, she IS the life of the party!!
The food, as always, was awesome, the drummers...WOW...its something to stand behind them and FEEL the drums and hear them up close and in person!!!!
I feel renewed and ready for the upcoming year...
but now I'm tired- but in a good way...
I will tell you more about it tomorrow...

its time to go back to work...

I have to much time on my hands...out of boredom and having working Internet in my room I've been perusing craigslist ny...out of fun, I've been posting in "women looking for men"...the responses have been hilarious! I've answered two out of the fifty or so responses that followed my directions and sent pictures (cuties), and am waiting for their response...
I'm not your average looking chick though I don't think I'm ugly at all...but pictures often don't do me justice...
I'll will keep you posted...

I'm up late...

I have to say this has been an enjoyable vacation...my little booger came back safe and sound, and I've been able to putter around my house and go to the gym often...

hey speaking of I'm down to 176...I found for me doing the elipical for thirty to fourty minutes on a high setting (10-12) I can burn about four hundred calories...then on to the stair master for 15-20 minutes, I burn about two hundred more...I then do ab work (of course) and maybe two to three machines...I also got to walk alot, I just wont drive the car unless I have to...

Here is something funny...I've gone on spurts where I wont eat something...I didn't eat any red meat for about four years...I didn't eat any carbs for about three years...but I decided that I wasn't goning to do that...I will eat what's healthy in moderation, and eat whats unhealthy in tiny amounts...know what I found? I dont like junk and cake...it leaves an aftertaste in my mouth...
but since I started eating carbs...pasta, white bread, a slice of cake here and there...is when I lost the largest amount of weight.

I have learned its dumb to restrict something totally from your diet...I am eating healthy, substituting whole grain for white, skinless, grilled instead of fried (except choclahontas makes a mean fried chicken wing)...when you restrict you generally substitute for something much worse...I will not buy cookies, cakes, chips (unless they are plantan or sweet potatoe), and I will only eat those things if they are homemade, thus cutting out the excess sugar, fat, and chemicals...I don't drink juice unless I make it myself...

This has worked for me...once I lose weight I can generally keep it off, and knowing what I know now, this time I will keep it off...part of this is knowing I am healthy, and for the first time in my life I am truly happy...emotions play a HUGE part in weightloss/gain...

I'm at peace with my body frame...I'm a big bitch...and that's ok...I'm not sloppy and I can out lift most women and some men...I love working out at the gym and having guys watch me in awe to see what I can do...

So now I'm trying to get moodmagicbarbie to bed...she does not like to wake up and so I have to start pushing her bedtime back and hour a day to acclimate her to the school schedule...This week she was gay, but threw away the rainbow belt...I told her I really don't care cause it really doesnt matter until she starts having sex to which she replied "MA, PLEASE"...I'm gonna take a page out of the blogger "boobs, injuries and Dr. Pepper" (If I figure out how to link her blog to mine you have to read what she did with her son and condoms...I was in hysterics!!!)
So if MMB keeps up her gay rant, I'm going to start buying her gay stuff, and taking her to gay events...I really believe shes just trying to get my attention... I asked her the other day "so you like boobies?" she said "just yours mommy"...that folks is the result of boobie babies...they NEVER forget the boobies...

Girls are funny creatures...they LOVE to push the limits, and do so just to get on your nerves...they say things that they know is going to rattle you and get a heated response...so I don't give them what they want...like when MMB said "ma, I'm gay", i didn't blink an eye and said "oh, okay"...choclahontas at this age told me she was going to have a strip pole in her house...she wanted to be an exotic dancer... I just tell myself over and over again "this too shall pass" and don't give an outward response...and it does pass...to the next idiotic phase.
All girls tell you about the piercings and tatoos they are going to get...I used to tell choclahontas "when your sixteen" but sixteen came and the bitch got a tounge ring and bellybutton ring, so I've moved the age to eighteen...thank God she's in cahoots with me, so when I tell moodmagicbarb "you gotta be eighteen" and she says "but choclahontas wasnt" my darling beloved says "yes I was, just just dont remember"...but this can spark an aurguement because both have minds like elephants and don't forget a thing...

alright...that's my rant for the night...I could go on and on...till next time...

what gives..

a while ago I talked about landlady, she is not assertive but passive aggressive. So I get the feeling she wants me out of the apartment, but she hasnt actually said anything but she is doing shadyshit...
I saw how she dealt with crazyneighbor, and what she did/said to get him to leave, and one of the things was to play with the lease.
My lease was up in march, she did not renew it, and said she was going to add a rider...now you have to understand that she is "proper" and the lease is a big issue to her. She never gave me the rider so I have no lease...the other thing is she told me that she was refinancing the house and my rent was going to go up substantially...I told her that if it went up too much I would not be able to afford it and would have to move...I said would it make more sense to have a tenent who pays steadily and promptly or have the apartment stay empty for months...it took her about six months before I rented the apartment.
She mentioned before that she could easily get two thousand for this apartment...she's said it enough to let me know thats what she wants for this apartment...so now she's turned the water pressure down so much that I can't flush the toliet...not a good look...we have to flush repeadtly, thus wasting water.
I emailed her last night, and to posting she has not called me back...(we are also having an influx of waterbugs)...
So to be on the safe side, I'm starting to look at apartments...she can come to me and say this will be your new rent and thats that cause I dont have a lease...

and these things...

HAHA...how true

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Bearmaiden you should do this one...

You're a LiveJournal Newbie!

You haven't been sucked in by LiveJournal... yet. Maybe you haven't had an account for long - or maybe you haven't spent enough time exploring LJ. Don't worry - a few ego strokes thrown your way, and you'll be hooked. Patience.

Are You Addicted to LiveJournal?

LET ME BRING YOU UP TO SPEED...

Hello one and all, and Fatlady who is anxiously waiting...I would love to say I didn't post because I was on vacation or I went away...NOT...Its just been a hectic month for me.

1.) I was totally burned out from the year and waiting for my vaca to start. I could barely get up in the morning and when I got home I did not have the energy to do anything other than scrub my feet (the product of wearing flipflops in the city...I know bearmaiden it wouldn't be like that in Florida) and go to bed...with my tunner laying next to me kicking the shit out of my back.

2.) pita and choclahontas have broken up and he has offically moved out of my house...well I had to put his ass out. I'm allergic to drama and he was bringing the fighting/powerandcontrol/punchingtheroomdoor shit to my house. It all came to a head when he spun out of control and I had to call the cops...he's not my child or my man and I DONT have to figure shit out...GET THE FUCK OUT...and if he was my man he still would have to GET THE FUCK OUT and wouldn't care enough to figure shit out. I DONT tolerate drama/bullshit.
So that night he wanted to talk, she ran away. He did not respect me or the house and chased her...when I sent him on his way the bastard climbed my terrace and came into the house...she ran out screaming he dragged her in the street at the foot of exist 1 where a bigrig existing for hunts point could have flattened them like a pancake...I sent the girls and tunner to the neighbors house...he banged on the door and the father of my neighbor called the cops to...so five cop cars and fifteen cops later I couldn't/didn't want his ass in my house...I told his mama and aunt to come get their psychoboy.

3.) my beloved stepdaughter-lazycrazybarbie, who I raised (another LONG story I promise to tell later) came to the end of her parents. Her daddy, idiot-who is moodmagicbarbs bio father, and the only father choclahontas has ever known- does not want lazycrazybarb to be with me...partly cause he knows we have a mother daughter bond and its to punish me, and partly cause he loves to exert power and control over any women in his life.
Ok I have to tell part of the story so you will understand...when I went out with idiot he had children during our relationship...I tolerated the two older girls, dingybarbie and lazycrazybarbie because they were born/concieved before we got together. I raised these girls...I spent all my time with lazycrazybarb...I got her when she was four months old...I would pick her up on tuesday morning and keep her until saturday night...later when sexoffenderken was born, I raised him too (he swore to me that sexoffenderken was not his biologically, but he was going to raise him...I wondered but have a softspot in my heart for all children under ten)...I drew the line with yodaken cause he is eleven months to the day younger than moodmagicbarbie.

when I lived all the way uptown, near the rock, I was a big happy family by myself with the kids cause idiot was out making yodaken plus developing another longterm relationship with the whiner (who he is still with today, along with a few other longterm girlfriends who all think they are the only ones).

So lazycrazybarbie got tired of her parents. Her mother, foreveryoung, really pays her no attention and defers everything to idiot, who really pays her no attention except to tell her what to do/not to do, which generally makes no sense. Hes a teacher but lazycrazybarb has been to minimum twelve schools...yes, I tell no lies... lazycrazybarbie has had an absese in her mouth for about two years...she was in constant pain and her teeth were shifting.
Her parents kept putting off taking her to the dentist and when she finally went they told her she would lose all her front teeth as well as some molars because of the infection...so needless to say she was hurt/angry/pissed...they took her to the dentist, one absese was drained, but she still needs major work (and hopefully they can save the teeth)...but idiot decided that coaching summer basketball is more important and started his tour across the country (oh yeah, that's why I havent recieved child support in three months...he said he needed the money to travel) and foreveryoung was too busy being young and fly (in her forties) to pay attention...
so lazycrazybarb called ACS on her parents...well, foreveryoung knew I didn't do it cause I told her if I did I would have told her, but idiot took it to a new level...he does not believe that he has done anything that would warrent his daughter hating him...so the threats/cursing/namecalling (I'm a cockeyed fat bitch) began...but between me and bigbear (who, for some reason he decided to call) shut his shit down lovely...I told him he's DEAD to me.
So she tells the ACS worker she wants to live with me...foreveryoung said she "please take her" and idiot said nothing to them but continued to leave horrible messages on cholahontas's phone...no, not my phone, that's why hes an idiot...threatening me bodily harm, and he was gonna call the cops on me...what the fuck ever...I told him you really don't scare me so it's best that you shut the fuck up...

the worker, upon learning that I am a social worker, told me that this is a HUGE MESS and that she understands that I love lazycrazybarb, but I really need to stay out of it...so I am...LCB was returned to her mom (who took her to Las Vegas, but her teeth still havent been fixed). I told LCB that I will alway love her and always be there for her...she understands cause she really does not want me involved in this mess...

So that's why I haven't had the time or energy to post...
Oh yeah, and the sun is in cali...and I have to help/support bearmaiden aka stalkerbarbie as she misses her peanutbutter...(I totally understand, but would not feel the same way cause I wish SOMEONE would take them ALL away)

Moodmagicbarbie said screw them all and has been at her bestfriends house for the last two weeks...the mama called and said "Your child is coming home on the 17th with my child who I don't want to see until the first day of school"...that's how we do it, it's a CPE thing...

I am on VACATION

So after a full day or two of rest, I should be able to fill you in on whats been going on... It's been HECTIC and I've been truly at the end of my rope mentally as well as physically...check back by sunday and I should be kinda back to myself...

HI

I haven't posted...Drama plus being unbelievably tired has prevented me from sitting at the computer...
I will bring you up to date tomorrow...
Bearmaiden in on a mini vaca, I'm jealous cause I havent been on a vacation ever! but my day will come, soon I hope...I'm not really jealous cause she really deserves it.

I love these things...

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISTP)

Your personality type is reserved, methodical, spirited, and intense. Only about 6% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 8% of all men You are Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

safe and sound...

Bigbear is safely at home!!!!!!! popabear was happy to see her, and tunner was really happy giving on of his cheshire cat smiles and saying "NANA".
here something else to my dream...the lady that died in my first dream had cancer (I think the same cancer) as wildfires son-in-laws mother...freaky right...

HAIL TO THE QUEEN

Bigbear comes home today!!!!! I will be getting her from the airport at about three...I have to say, it was fun hanging out with poppabear without bigbear. She has such a HUGE personality that he just fades to the back (which he really doesnt mind)...we were over there yesterday and he put us out! He loves his silence and solitude, and knows that once bigbear is back in the house thats over...

remember my dreams from last posts....

so here it goes...my co-worker,who's birthday is a few days before my supervisor, son-in-laws mother died on saturday or terminal cancer on saturday...I knew she was sick, but had not been following her decline. wildfires son-in-law is a tall husky light-skinned man who I suspect drank/drinks alot. The sisters in my dream could represent wildfire and her daughter who are very close and look like sisters. The women was cremeted the next day- hence no funeral...suddenly she was not there...
freaky right? the dreams never makes sense until after the fact.

My dear Bearmaiden...this is for you

yesterday I discussed the situation with the sun as it pertains to the macrosystem...but now I want to talk to bearmaiden.
I've been thinking about it, she and I have to say that we are totally different in how we deal with, and process situations. I found myself being annoyed with her because she was "moping". You see, when I am presented with a situation I have two choices. I either fight to the bone or I accept the situation for what it is and move on. I will complain, but as I am complaining I am listening to myself, hearing different scenarios, and listening to see which one sounds better (thus fam, it seems that I zigzag, but I'm just looking at all angles).
So I talked with choclahontas, and questioned myself, asking what would I do if I were in the same situation (I check myself constantly because I worry that I don't have normal emotions). This can be good and bad. If I have a bad morning with the girls, or a really fucked up day at work, once I leave the environment its out of my mind until I am presented with the situation again. I hardly ever mull over a situation or replay it in my mind. I really don't dwell in what if's, just with what is.
When I'm at work, I can make a mental list of what needs to be done. When I'm home I can't remember the list, but as soon as I walk in the center it all comes flooding back.

So If I were in her shoes I know I would be upset. I would break fool in the courthouse, and later that day. But after a good nights sleep (and believe you me, I would go to sleep) I would move on until the day it was time for him to leave. I would deal with the emotion, then live life until he came back.
I am a strong believer in going with the flow, living the adventure, seeing what the outcome will really be. Maybe because I have dreams/thoughts that tell me an outcome, I never worry about, again, the whatifs.

Bearmaiden, you have not failed or lost. This is merely another chapter in the book of your life that will soon end. Keep reading but don't jump to conclusions. No one knows exactly what will happen in the end (not even me). Don't mull over the whatifs, take action when you can. Write an article for the New York Times, or just publish it on the web. See where you can make a difference.
Remember I once told you that if shit keeps happening you have to ask God to claify the message he is trying to send you. He is annoyed, He wants you to do or stop something and you are not hearing. Ask for a sign, and within twenty four hours you will have an answer, but be prepared, it may not be the answer you are looking for.

I had a dream last night about my supervisor. She had a sister and a brother. Her sister was brown like her and looked like her, and her brother was much lighter with straightish hair. Her brother appeared ok, but I soon realized that he was back on drugs (for some reason I knew he had a substance abuse problem although I didn't know him). I didn't know how to tell my supervisor that he had fallen off the wagon. He was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't catch it. He finally left the house and I knew he would be gone for a while. I woke up and knew this dream ment something, but I don't know to whom or what. And no bearmaiden, it was not about the sun not returning from CA...
I also dreamt the a few weeks ago that my co-worker died suddenly of a heart attack- we didn't see her dead or attend a funeral, she just wasn't there. We were upset, but got through the day until days end when our other co-worker left to go home...they are best friends and are always together...I woke up crying (could that be him leaving to CA?) I know these dreams are not about real death, but loss.

my dreams are always the interperative version of what I dream...so for example I dreamt that my father, poppa, had died of a busted blood vessel...I was distraught because it hurt so bad and was so sudden. A few days later, idiots nephew, who they called pop, was shot in the chest...he was about twenty years old...the funeral was hectic.

I refuse to be stressed, I have learned that it does all turn out OK, because we have Mr. O on our side. I continue to do the right thing because the second you don't you'll get caught by God. So do the right thing...Bearmaiden pick your head up and enjoy your summer with the sun...God closes a door but opens a window, so open the window wider, let the summer breeze in, look at the sun, the flowers and the birds, and them climb the fuck out the window and run through the field of flowers with your hair blowing.

I'm in the house all alone...

...and you would think I would go out, or clean (which I love to do, it relaxes me), but no...I am making a turkey burger and sitting my ass on the couch...
I have had a week...bearmaiden got the news that the sun has to go to californ-I-A. She views it as a loss, but in reality its a gain. There are a few things at play.

Eighteen years ago, when we were in court battling for my sweet choclahontas (that's a story I will tell, and bearmaiden will concur at a later time, but to make a really long story very short, Choclahontas was a gift from God, I say a corrected mistake, and not birthed from any of our wombs) she got two overnites with her biological family.
My sis and I cried, we cried when we got the decision, we cried when we dropped her off, we cried the whole night, and cried when we picked her up...but you know what? its eighteen years later and she has NEVER spent another night with them, and to this day she doesnt like or respect them...see, we allowed her to see them for who they are in their comfort zone...the same goes for moodmagicbarb, who has spent time with idiot, and was able to see him for who and what he is...now the only reason why she doesnt have overnites is because 1. he would dump her with his current fling (and the main one cant stand MMB and lets her know it) and 2. his son is a pervert

Now back to the sun...the GAL seems to feel that bearmaiden is a hysterical vindictive black bitch...but I could look at her and tell she is bitter and has an unfulfilled life and NO sex (don't ask, I can just tell). it appears to me that she is attempting to correct some wrong in her life/career. Shes dangerous until her prejudices can be exposed.
The judge has to cover her ass...she is dealing with the type of person who could ruin her career. Sometimes at the TN we get parents that we really are very careful with. These parents could lodge a complaint or make an accusation that could be career ending. It tends to be the less educated and loud mouthed ones that we watch out for the most. So when dealing with FBB, they have to cross every T, and dot every I, because if they don't he can cry discrimination, favoritism (cause the judge is a spanish women) etc. and ruin and/or end somebodies career.

But I happen to know that we social workers and law folks, do set traps in which folks can fuck themselves. I have seen them set traps before, but out of sheer luck on his part, he has evaded them.
I don't know at this point if this is a trap, or who they are attempting to trap and flush out, or if they are doing whatever they can to make FBB satisfied and hopefully go away (what they don't know is that nothing satisfies him). Anyway, I do know that they wanted to push sis to see what she would do when faced with her greatest fear...losing a child to someone, and not necessarly to death, is every womans greatest fear, that's why all abusive men tell the woman that they will take the child away and mom will never see them, it always subdues the women initially until she calls his bluff or kicks his ass...
So anyway, they wanted to see what Bearmaiden would do...you see when someone does not show emotion, especially anger, its a big red flag to professionals cause its fake, you're not being real to yourself or others. So will bearmaiden go off? will she withhold? will she become suicidal or homecidal? According to her account of what transpired, her reaction was right on target, that's why they scattered.

so here's the other side...will FBB crumble under the day to day of being with a child...there are accounts that he is somewhat delusional (not the same has having hallucinations), they want to give him enough time away from bearmaiden to show his true colors, and show what kind of a parent he really is...judge gave bearmaiden a compliment and remarked how well spoken and wonderful sun is, and what great behavior he had...that means that BM did this all on her own, and did a great job raising sun...They easily wrote in the hair decree, which they didn't have to do, judge could have said its not important...score two for BM.

Sometimes, and I'm not saying its right, we have to use the child as a pawn to, in bigbears words, "lance the boil". We attempt to not put the child in direct danger, but in enough of a stressful situation to turn the parents around. With mandated parents its called therapeutic leverage- one uses the persons fear (usually of having children removed or not returned) to manipulate them to do what you want them to do. So in this case they are using therapeutic leverage to "lance the boil" and get the case moving...cause in reality its stuck in dead center and FBB has no plans to move it forward.

So I say, trust in God, let sun be excited, be excited for him, find the humor, and document the injustice. Don't look at this as a loss...cause the outcome has already been written, and I know it will be ok, just like I knew we would ALWAYS have choclahontas...on that first night I knew she would be with us forever, bearmaiden said "don't say that, cause you don't know" and I said "yeah, I do know", and nineteen years later (almost to the day) she is still here, forever together...

damn these things are true...who makes them up?

This happens to be my favorite color!!!!!

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

damn damn damn...they are soooo right...

Gemini - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits: Your lively, outgoing attitude attracts people to you everywhere you go. You can talk your way into - and out of - any situation you desire. You're adaptable enough to flirt with anyone - and people tend to fight over you. Your negative traits: You get easily bored in relationships, and tend to jump from person to person. You tend to be a bit of a player - and have a high tolerance for drama in relationships. Not the most empathetic person, you tend to tell lovers to "get over" their problems. Your ideal partner: Is intelligent and quick witted enough to keep you interested. Is a bit of a shape shifter, providing you with the variety you crave. An open minded person, who's willing to have a non-traditional relationship. Your dating style: Exciting. If your date shows you a new experience (like Egyptian food or scuba diving), you're very happy. Your seduction style: Experimental: it's rare that you try the same thing twice. Ultra kinky - you do stuff that's not even in books yet. Hot and cold... sometimes you're just not into the whole sex thing. Tips for the future: Settle down a little. Sometimes good things come with time - so don't let people go so fast. Acknowledge that you're a player and flirt. If your mate can't live with this, find someone who can. Give your partner a little more attention. You don't have to be a social butterfly all the time. Best color to attract mate: Sunny yellow Best day for a date: Wednesday

What's Your Love Profile?

0k...last but true...I had to put this

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

bearmaiden has outdone me...

and not in a bad way...I start my day by checking her blog...she is such a good writer and has such stories to tell that sometimes I feel overshadowed by her (and I always have)...so I often don't write as much cause quite frankly my thoughts are not so insightful and eloquently put.
My life is grape juice to her wine (and sometimes my juice is sour or bitter)...I don't think that much cause for me once the issue has been presented and dealt with, its out my mind.
She remembers so much about Jamaica, and kept her diary obsessively...mine usually says "got up, got dressed, ate, went to bed"...but then I was only eight or nine...
The funny thing is I have never been in competition with my sister...what is hers is hers and I find another interest. I have always been free to be me, but if I see that she is shining, even if I had an interest, I would back off. I don't do that with my girls...I encourage them to share the same interest, but know that they will both do it differently. I don't want them to not pursue an interest just not to step on their sisters toes (which on my own is what I did- I always wanted to play piano, but didn't cause music was bearmaidens thing).
Having sisters is a funny thing...I see it with my girls and their sisters (from the idiotbabydaddy). They fight like cats but let someone mess with one, or say something dumb, or the sisters do something dumb, and all hell breaks loose.
Its nothing like having a sister...

this is true

Your Brain's Pattern

You're a simple thinker, and this is actually a very good thing. You don't complicate matters when you don't have to. You look for the simplest explanation or solution, and you go with that. As a result, your mind is uncluttered and free of stress.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

I missed the call!!!!!

Bigbear called and my phone was upstairs...she left a message, didn't say anything about the luggage, but said NOT TO CALL BACK...lol...she was going to sleep. She sounded good...Lord, I beg you to give us alot more years with her cause we would fall to pieces if anything happened to her...
Now don't get me wrong...we love papabear just as much, but hes like the sound of the ocean when you're in the house...Bigbear is the wave that crashes against you while you're at the beach...
Papabear always laid out his turf...don't cross this line unless your invited. The line was a much physical as mental...I guess with him almost dying a few years ago we have gone through the emotions and are able to part with him although it would hurt just as much...Bigbear on the other hand has never been sick, never been to the hospital, never had any health scares...
I freely admit that we are *obsessed* (for lack of a better word) with our parents. They are everything to us...its hard for me to imagine life without then, I can't imagine why folks have kids and lose track of them, mentally and physically.
I know a few teenagers whose parents are worthless...they don't know what the kids are doing, nor do they care. Life is all about them recapuring their youth. I love my kids as much as my parents love me, and choclahontas loves tunner as much as I love her...and its ok...I weave life lessons with love, and so far its worked...bearmaiden and I, as weird and crazy as we are, turned out ok, so as my father would say "the method works".
well, we are off to the beach...got to go get bearmaiden and the sun, I sure she will post pictures later...

its amazing

that if you take one kid out the equation you have so much more time and energy...however, I don't mind not having any time...its kind of boring with one...MMB brings so much to the table. Choclahontas and I love to walk, whereas moodmagicbarb HATES to walk and can fuck up a walk with her constant complaining and cries of "I'm hungry", choclahontas is missing MMB cause she has no one to be bitchy with...so anyway, me and the hontas took a LOOOONNNNGGGGG walk, but it was too quiet...there was no one to say "just drop me home" or "noooo, I dont want to go to the supermarket too" and "I'm hungry"...hontas crashed into the woods showing the white under her tail when we got home "to much me and you time mommy"...whatever...

She and Pita have been fighting...she allowed him into the home while I was sleeping "he has no where else to go"...I told her I could give less than a fuck if he slept on a park bench, and if she kept the shit up she could sleep next to him (yeah, I do curse at/with my kids...really bad habit, but they know better than to curse back). This is making her a stronger person. For some reason she can't stand up to men (though she has gotten A LOT better) and allows herself to be manipulated...me on the other hand don't have the patience...

which leads me to this...there are a few phrases in life that set me off, one of which is "there you go with that"...to hear a man say that to me or another women is to me a sign of disrespect, belittling, and diminishing...often that phrase is ended with "shit", "fucken shit", "bullshit", "thinking you know it all", "thinking you have all the answers"...put your own words at the end...
So Darren told me he had a lady but wanted to take me out to eat at City Island, which I don't care, but when he brought it up today I told him "I will go out with you if it means that you don't have to lie or fabricate a story to your peeps" "what are you talking about?" he said, I shot him a look, he stepped back and said "there you go with that"...well, as my best friend Honey would say, my horns went up...he went on to say, as he steadily stepped back, that he wouldn't do that cause that would be wrong...whatever, the statement was said and my interest in him deflated in the moment it took for those words to leave his mouth.

i did some research...

and found that some women have this condition (they dont know why) that causes you to have too much salt in your blood...something with too much estrogen...thats why around your period when your estrogen spikes, you bloat. So they recommend drinking Uva-Ursi tea (which helps you elimiate water), 250 milligrams of B6, and 500 milligrams of chewable calcium twice a day (in the morning at breakfast, and at dinner). I have been taking calcium and B6, and drinking yerba mate, but I will be getting the other tea...they also said DON'T take over the counter diaretics because they contain caffine...

I don't know how to link pages so I copied and pasted the important stuff:

-Some people's bodies seem to retain water for no apparent reason, according to Charles Tifft, M.D., associate professor of medicine at Boston University School of Medicine. The puffiness may come and go in cycles, he says, and may be related to hormone fluctuations. It can affect both men and women. In women it usually occurs in the week or so before menstruation. During this time, the surge in estrogen triggers the production of aldosterone (Aldosterone helps regulate levels of sodium and potassium in the body, which in turn helps control blood pressure, the distribution of fluids in the body, and the balance of electrolytes in the blood). This hormone makes the kidneys retain water, which tends to collect in the breasts and abdomen. Some women gain several pounds during this time. Other women simply experience a shift in the distribution in water with no weight gain. Slacks and blouses often fit more snugly, however.
-Skip the junk food. Too much sodium in your blood can waterlog the tissues, so reducing your salt intake makes sense, says Dr. Tifft. Besides avoiding obviously salty fries, pepperoni pizza and convenience foods, cut down on foods containing hidden salt. These include some salad dressings, cereals and canned soups. Become a label reader.

I hope this link works...it tells you more about the aldosterone hormone:
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-aldosterone.htm


...cant you tell I'm lonely? I've posted more today than in the last month...Im going to bed...

its like old times....

just me and choclahontas...roommates, buddies, my partner in crime...but my right arm is missing...the one who ALWAYS knows where i parked the car, and who tells me how many minutes before my meter runs out...the one who ALWAYS makes things right "don't worry mommy, I will NEVER act like that"...its ok barb, you WILL act like that, but its ok...I can rely on MMB to tell me when I'm wrong, and when I'm right...she has the memory of an elephant and remembers EVERYTHING...but last heard she really likes it so I can relax, I wont need to catch a flight to bring her home...I know she will really grow mentally and emotionally (and physically) over this trip, she will come back really ready for eight grade.

And the straw that stirs the drink...we've spoken twice...she landed safely, but last heard her luggage was missing...I pray that they find it soon, fifteen days without your shit sucks big time!!!

I did the gym, and now choclahontas and I are going to DEEP CLEAN the room, maybe we will even see the floor...tunner spilled juice today, went and got the mop and cleaned it up..."I guess he really is a clean freak" she said...uh yeah, thats why he WONT go in your room...

I went to the GYN...she is a really nice lady, I'm glad that I didnt have to change her when I switched insurance...she said my weight gain and loss (today I'm 185) is purely hormonal. She said that when I skip periods I'm not ovulating and I retain fluid..."12 pounds?"..."yes, even more, depending on how long you miss"...she also said that my high weight is not obesity (like the other doc said) but muscle weight...you gotta love her...
So I am to keep track, and let her know...if I continue to skip (blood test show I'm not in early menopause) then they will do a complete hormonal workup...finally an answer...but this means that when I do go into menopause I'm looking at a huge weight gain so I have to be super careful and probably should start looking at things that help me get rid of the water...I always said I had to be the lowest weight possible to go into menopause...

so we always know what time it is....

Beijing

Portland

I'm all alone....

...everyone is gone...Moodmagicbarb has gone to Oregon for 11 days with her friend- shes sitting on the runway waiting for takeoff. She has spent the night out many times, but now she is across country...I cant run and get her in the middle of the night...I think the separation is harder on me than her, but I couldn't show her my feelings cause she WOULDN'T go, and she would miss out on a wonderful experience. So I hardened my heart, and shipped her out...

Bigbear is in china...she should be landing in about an hour...
I can't even go into that...15 days!!!! but the hardest is her being on the plane where I cant randomly call to tell her about a thought the minute it pops in my mind...bearmaiden is very close to bigbear, but I rode on her hip...I was attached...much the same way MMB is attached to me...bigbear is my partner, my friend, my partner in crime...we do almost everything together...she plays good cop and I play bad...
bearmaiden has my fathers Independence, and that need to be alone, but me and bigbear need the community of each other, alot of it, all the time.

so much has happened since I last posted, it will take me awhile to sort it all out...Pita and choclahontas had a horrible fight...he let himself get out of control (as teenage boys do) but I couldn't calm him so I called the cops and his aunt and mother...he was not arrested, but I suspended him from my house...he has to seek counseling for depression and anger issues before he can return...choclahontas, as I mentioned before, is a white tailed deer...issues sent her running, all we saw was the white under her tail as she crashed through the forest...she also will be going to couples therapy with pita...they want to work it out, but realize that they both need to grow up and deal with somedeepseated issues.

now to my health...I mentioned that I went to the doctor with concerns about my thyroid...well folks, I'm as healthy as an ox...
the results of my blood test are as follows:
blood sugar- 74
my thyroid- .803 (normal is between .47 to 5.5)
total cholesterol- 180 (normal is under 200)
LDL cholesterol- 107 (normal is under 130)
triglyceride- 67 (normal being under 200)
HDL cholesterol- 60 (normal is above 45)
at the visit I was 190, I lost three pound last week, and this week when I weighed I was 181...go figure...I have no idea why I gain and lose so rapidly. I go to the gyn today and we will see what my weight is...
but the point is I'm healthy...I'm 5'3 and built like a muscle builder...so as long as I'm healthy, I'm not going to worry about my weight...I will continue to eat well, exercise and just live life~~~~

did you hear about the new barbie line?

its the new DSM IV barbie line... here are a few of the new dolls:

Moodmagic Barbie- youre already familiar with her...her mood flips from happy to sad to angry at the bat of a barbie eye

ADHD Barbie- formally known as choclahontas...is easily distracted, and flits from one thing to another, without ever finishing a thing

Flip and Switch Barbie- formally known as Dissociative Identity Barbie, she goes by many different names and wears many hats...the orginal name was not catchy in test trials

Scizo Barbie- its the voices bearmaiden, its the voices

Copy Me Barbie- copying can be good...

and not to be left out is the BabyDaddy line:

Doom and Gloom Bill- claims to self destructs at sixty-four...but is indestructable and has outlived all the other Ken dolls, also know as Cannabis Bill

Paraniod Antisocial Ken- likes to be by himself on the shelf...is the only talking doll, mutters "hair", "mine" and "never" repeatdly.

Mental Ken- has to many issues to list, but has the best body of all the Ken dolls

Then there is the baby line:
Mountain Climber Ken- is the only wind up doll...wind him up and watch him climb walls, ladders, chairs, fish tanks, etc.

Action Ken- is really the only normal doll in the line, but does have a high-pitched cry when not given its way...engages in all activities...

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME...

This has been a really tough week for me, and the weekend is worse...
Choclahontas and pita are in full swing...one day they are together, the next they are apart...but she wont put him out "cause he was sleeping on a park bench"...so that means I got to house and feed him? I don't fucken think so...he's not my kid, and she is on a slippery slope out the door too (though it breaks my heart). I told her today if she can't keep clean, and clean her room for inspection she has to go...her response "whatever"...
MMB is really trying to help...she has been put in this situation before when choclahontas was in her teens and rebelling. She feels that she has to be the perfect child and attempts not stress me further...but this is bad, cause she swallows her issues, and attempts to resolve them herself. In being "perfect" she annoys choclahontas, who turns on her, and becomes more introverted (hiding in her room) and anxious.
Then there is money...I have none...my college check ended, idiot has decided that traveling the country with his basketball team (and paying for room and food) is more important than paying a measly four hundred a month...my check alone does not cover my bills...and throw in the four-seventy I had to pay cause my tooth broke...I have one hundred dollers to my name for two weeks...I don't want to borrow from my rent cause I may not be able to put it back...and I want to put out choclahontas...what am I thinking...
So hustle I have to...hopefully when MMB is in Oregon I can work in a salon after work and braid. I will have eleven days to work day and night. I will even babysit after work...Anything to bring in a buck...I would love to make a thousand dollers over the summer...that will take me through the summer with ease, but five hundred is more attainable (thats one boxbraid per week, or two cornrows)...

But the good thing is I saw dread (who is not trinni, I was looking at the wrong car). He said he had to work that day and didn't get lunch till later...he said he walked over there to see if I was still there, and has been looking for me...awwww, thats sweet...we haven't exchanged numbers, I'm going to go at his pace...MMB met him and actually liked him (and believe me, that means alot...she generally looks at folks from under her eyes and glowers...much like spice)...I'm trying not to sabotage it by being nasty, or saying things I know will scare him away, and I'm really attempting not to compare him to idiot (cause the birthdays are a day apart)...

Well, back to reality...