i like writing on my blog...it's ok that i have no followers and probably no one reads it...but i can write and reread...it's my therapy...
usually when i don't write is when things are rocky...i keep my thoughts in my head...but when i die no one will be able to open my head and get my thoughts out so i'm trying to put things on paper...
i guess this comes from when i was a little girl...i love my fam but i remember being teased for crying or being upset...in a fun not mean way, but i didn't like it none the less...or having it thrown in my face later...if i had a moment, let it lay...i know what i did and i don't need to be reminded...
so anywho, when im feeling the most shitty i tend to disappear...right in your face...
i know that other people have it worse, but this is my reality...what i live with...fuck other people cause my reality sucks...i don't wanna hear well it's bad and then hear their story...i wanna vent, be upset, and maybe get some empathy...just for a moment...but that never happens so i do it for myself...
but sitting in bed, in the quiet, i hopefully can put down what i'm thinking...without having to explain myself, wondering and worrying that i'm hurting feelings...
so today i feel like a total failure...today...tomorrow i might feel differently...but tonite as i sit in my bed i feel this way...for a moment i don't wanna look on the bright side...cause that bitch looks mighty cloudy...my job sucks ass and is ending in three weeks...i will get paid for an additional two paychecks then im in deep shit...i have a credit union loan that pulls 250 a month...i have a car loan that's 350 a month, which i'm beginning to see i can't afford the car..but who's gonna buy it?...plus rent that's 1258...i don't want a hand out or even someone to bail me out or as i joke a husband just to pay half the rent...i just want a fucking job that pays enough to cover my bills...one job...i'm so tired of working three and four jobs to make ends meet...i went to school...i have a masters...a license...two licenses for crying out loud and that shit seems like it means nothing...
so bossbitch hired a young white social worker...now i'm not prejudiced at all...matter of fact i actually hate everyone equally...lol...but i take folks as they come...but this "afrocentric" black chick threw me under the bus for a young white chick...damn...what does that mean? i feel like my work, what i stand for, what i put out for our kids to succeed means nothing...to the school, to the world...
i'm sad i can't give these kids what i know they need...im the only one who feels like they need this...
so i'm out in the cold...having to prove my track record...but at 42 i don't have a track record...not on paper anyway...go ask the corner boys...the ghetto girls...can i parade them in the interview? would anyone take their word? of course not...so i feel like shit...like my work means nothing...i'd love to write, to consult, but i need to pay that loan, the car note, the rent...the stress of being homeless or almost homeless is completely overwhelming...i can't be in that position with that over my head...
bear...i really really like him...he's not my type, has health issues, has issues...but i like him...he's educated, interesting, and most of all shares my passion for nature...BUT...he's jaded, wounded, careful...and he expressed to me in the beginning he "doesn't see me that way"...but then he conceded that he feels the same way i do...huh?...i'm confused...but i do have a habit of putting more into a situation, reading things that are not there...looking at intent and not reality...so i deleted him...from facebook, from my phone, from my life...i can't...i'm very sad...but i can't...im not jaded and take everyone as they present themselves to me...but i lived through idiots "just let things flow" "just leave it be" while he was fucking everyone and bought a house with the third...no thanks...
but i'm glad i totally embraced the moment...let him and the world know how i feel...screamed it to the world through song and admiration...i wouldn't change that and will do it again...it's how i felt in the moment and i'm proud to have shared that...
so that leads me to me...am i that undesirable? am i really ugly and no one wants to tell me? i lost 29 pounds for me, with more to go...but damn...i get my shout outs in the street, but i guess since i'm not 20, tall, light skin with a big butt and long hair it's over for me...sigh...i resigned to not having a life partner...it's actually ok...i don't have to worry about whether my soft squishy body is unattractive, or if he's wandering, or lying, or anything else men do...i will have a life...go places...do things...but walking in the woods is not quite as fun when you're alone...besides my roll dog no one is interested in what i'm interested in...but one day she's not gonna be here...and i feel like i'll be all alone...my kids don't seem to give a fuck...i don't understand how i raised such self centered kids...i'm so not like that...
so my gripe fest is almost over...i actually don't feel better but i know a good night sleep changes everything...
maybe i need to increase my metformin...i cut the dose in half cause my body was telling me that it was too much after my weight loss...
well thanks for listening cyberworld...maybe tomorrow i'll feel better...i promise to tell you...
