its been a while I know....

...just haven't been in the mood to write...
my first week of vacation wasn't much...still got up with the alarm to take chocolate to school...I don't think it's fair to him to be at home doing nothing...plus, he'd end up with me anyway...
I did get rid of the birds...can't say I miss them...and really don't miss them today cause today would be the day I would have to clean the cage...yea to me...
I totally overspent...well, I spent my "free" money...but I still have enough to go to schmitzen (I think I spelled it right)...

the Aquarius folk are working my nerves...one is mourning a loss (which really isn't a loss cause the fat lady (not you fatlady...lol) didn't sing yet)...which is ok, but you need to let go, get over it and live...the rule to mourning- you mourn as many days/months/years you put in but in percents...now if you were with folk 20 years, you actively mourn 20% of the time shared...so one month...you give it 1% then move ON...well, actually a quarter of a percent...I think...not good in math...lol
the other Aquarius folk is living in lala land and not seeing the reality of their situation...all I can say is GET A JOB BITCH...well that could apply to both actually...SMOOCHES...love ya both...

my MMB is getting ready for high school...I got her all she needs- so I can stay out the stores in the next weeks when folk go crazy...she is prepared...mentally as well as physically...she will have a good year...she's smart (scary smart), beautiful and talented...she's still going to pursue her acting and as a matter of fact fatlady we need to meet up so she can work on her resume...she want's to send it out...

anyway...hope next week is more relaxing than this week...

btw...on the job front...I had a meeting with the teachers to "clear the air"...find out that "clinical director" has been stirring the pot and really doing some ghetto "he said, she said"...well it's more "professor said"...
I don't stutter...if I say something behind someone's back, I either said it to the person already, or I'm gonna tell you soon after I "talked" about you...
she's a bitch...sounds like I intimidate her...I'm praying for another job as I sent out 42 resumes, applied to about eight jobs online and about to send out bout 20 more resumes...I don't play...if all else fails I'm going to become an iron worker...I will lose pay for the year of apprenticeship, but will make up for it later...

insights...

1. I cursed choclahontas out the other day...laid shit on the table...told her i loved her but she had done nothing all summer...she expressed she needs psychiatric help, that she has anger issues and depression...told her the root cause of anger is frustration and depression is anger turned inward...what are you angry at...she stormed I cried...
but today was a beautiful day...she did laundry...cleaned her house and we hung out like in the old days...

2. I am so excited that my babygirl MMB is entering high school...as she nursed and we gazed in each others eyes, I wondered what she would grow up to be...how her voice would sound...who she would favor...
my girl is smart, beautiful, full of confidence and common sense...I know she will do well as she has done well up to this point...she sometimes gets on my nerves, but I know it's the age and will pass...I try not to diminish her issues, but for my sanity I whisper as she rages "this too will pass and one day she will turn 18 and become human"...

3. I had to go to the main office today cause the organization is stupid and lost my insurance paper work...although I still have insurance...whatever...the HR person made a point to take me around to introduce me to everybody...big boss on down...now never mind I already knew folks...I had the realization that "clinical director" has some say but not a whole freakin lot cause she was not put on an administrative track and bottom line is a consultant...so until bosslady tells me it's time to go, I'm not going to stress it...I will this year put more into my kids and work on not being distracted during session...I also was told of an afterschool job working with adolescents...which is cool cause MMB will be involved at that site...so with teaching and this, plus my job, I will be making a nice chunk of change...so I will have three jobs...go me...I love to work...

4. next tuesday starts my three week vacation...Im going to take chocolate to school when we are not doing anything which will give us all a break cause that boy is hectic...he NEEDS school...Ms June and Ms. Melba...they keep his ass in check...Ms. June has a distinguished voice that the kids listen too (the "bad cop") and ms. Melba is the sweetest...she's about their size so they all cuddle with her...she sings them songs (the "good cop")...now if he can use the toilet..."no muma, my peepee's broken...I can't do it"...

5. I really LOVE yoga...and I'm almost able to do "plank position" and "downward facing dog"...damnit that shit is HARD...and they say "downward facing dog" is a relaxing rest position...I freakin think NOT...but my instructor told me I did really good and I'm a natural...

6. I totally overspent my money...but I got nice stuff for me and MMB to start the winter and I feel good...I also am one with me, my body shape and my size and bought bras that fit...I have fatlady to thank...I didn't go where she went but I got some beautiful bras that FIT...I'm really happy with myself and my porno boobs...listen folks pay good money to have boobs my size...and I'm the same size as fatlady...love those boobs girl...
I still want plastic surgery for my arms and a tummy tuck, but that will just add the icing to the cake...
*just for clarification...I need my arms done cause when I was younger I bench pressed with the boys, thus the name "manarms"...however, as all body builders know, once you don't keep it up that shit melts and looks HORRIBLE...now I've been assured I'm the only one who thinks my arms look horrible, but I'm the only one who counts*

so I sit her BY MYSELF listening to the sounds of the street...I love Harlem...it's noise, smell...the crackheads to the Africans...the kids to the elders...

for some
its sex, drugs, and rock and roll

for us
its sex, food, and fighting

to them
drugs make the sex good

for us
fighting makes the sex good

for some
rock and roll is a way of life

for us
food is a way of life

for them
the three are combined
sometime

for us
the three are combined
always

can you imagine
if we all lived as one?
sex, more sex, drugs, food, fighting
and rock and roll

wait...that sounds like America now...
is it no wonder
we never progress?

choices...

I can chose to stay on the job...nobody in reality is firing me...or I can search for a new job...which is what I'm doing anyway...
I have to be honest and say I kind of painted myself in a corner...I opened my mouth so now folk watch what they say around me and don't "trust" me...but I do a really good job...
also the other thing is we still don't have a head teacher and only four kids are returning...I did hear murmurings of the site being closed, but again folks are giving me the gossip...oh well...
I like working for the schools cause I really like having the school holidays...but MMB is going into high school and will be a part of a lot of after school activities and will be working (she said as soon as she turns 14 in Nov.) so it's not such a big deal as it was when the girls were younger...
I really feel like "clinical director" is pushing me out...she probably has someone in mind...as they tend to hire family and friends...and boss lady becomes very passive to her at strange times...
or I could just stay, move on, and work everyone's nerves...I do have a sweet gig that I'm not really looking to disrupt...I just want more organization and some freaking supervision...who asks for supervision...but I like bouncing new ideas, and as a social worker, being able to have some of my good ideas substantiated and implemented...I don't know it all, but I know what I know...and having my bad ideas shot down with an explanation...I need an explanation...I just can't take folks word for it...
I could also teach full time, but I don't think that would pay the bills...I rather like the part time money with no real commitment to the institution...
so Ima study like a bandit and hopefully pass the LCSW on the first try and maybe I can go into private practice...
or I could become a home daycare provider and provide a small group of children the best preschool development and nurturing that money can buy...or become a private educational/social emotional development nanny...I just don't do housework or wash clothes...

chocolate is in the hospital again...just asthma from drinking milk...the doctors looked at me and said "really? you're sure it's milk?"...they used to do that when choclahontas had asthma brought on by food...they refuse to believe that asthma is directly related to emotions and food...especially food...if chocolate is around animals, he wheezes..."I wheezing...I need face medicine"...he's really in tune and will tell you when an attack is coming on...but anyway...choclahontas couldn't eat almonds- a sure hospital visit...tomatoes, peanuts, and she can die if she eats any form of shellfish...restaurants are tricky cause if they cook the food in the same oil, pot, or use the same serving spoon that's a three day stay at mount Sinai hospital...

MMB is getting over a stomach bug/food poisoning...her stomach can't handle Mama's fried chicken...the nasty chicken joint on the corner...

so I'm enjoying the stormy weather...going to work on typing poppy's latest novel...

the "talk"

so my "clinical director" and I finally had the "talk"...she decided to come down...very long boring story short, they suggested to me it's time to leave cause 1. I breached some kind of code when I told the kitchen that the teachers weren't putting food in front of a kid 2. I told "clinical director" that teachers took food home 3. "its good to change social workers every four to five years...it keeps things fresh"...never mind the fact that everyones been there for minimum thirteen years...4. I'm not utilizing my talents...apparently they don't feel I'm an effective clinician...

I can only surmise that 1. they don't want to pay me...if I pass the LCSW test you better believe I will be asking for a raise 2. I'm a threat cause I "talk to much" and "don't keep secrets" 3. I don't play the game and don't follow the "chain of command"...I would follow the chain of command if folks actually came to the site...and why should I go through two folk if I can go directly to the boss...it's senseless to me...

so I'm actively seeking new employment...I will not be where I'm not wanted or where my talents aren't being "utilized"...

the teacher, who got to "speak" to me attempted to "blow me up"..."I could say things that I'm sure you don't want folk to know" she whined...I stopped her and said "the joke is I tell...folks know what I do...good and bad"..."I doubt it...I've heard things you've said about folks" she sniveled..."ask *headsupervisorsocialworker*...I don't whisper...and you better believe what I say in confidence I can to the persons face"...
I have been playing a few against the middle...I'm tired of folks not doing their job and me having to pick up the pieces...I told the group that there is a difference between liking a person socially and as a co-worker...I really like wildfire as a friend, but not as a co-worker...she does no work...
"clinical director" suggested that if daycare offered me a job I should take it...and maybe I will...cause I will raise in the ranks faster over there then in the therapeutic...it's a shame, cause I have a lot to offer the nursery...but "clinical director" will never let me raise or grow as long as she and bosslady have shit locked down...
more later...I have a housefull...ugh...and a migrane...

life...

...will kick your ass...Inappropriatebarbie took chocolate to school this morning cause I left her ass...got him there at 11...folks already knew the story so they didn't say anything...she was dressed for work and went to stores filling out applications and leaving her resume...I guess she sees that 1. folks aren't playing and 2. she's gonna fuck up and lose all she has and 3. she's a lucky chick cause she has a lot and didn't have to bust her ass for it...
she tried to run a guilt trip tonight, but I held my ground...even when she said she's gonna find someone (at nine at night) to braid chocolates hair...whatever...I didn't even think twice...
bearmaiden, what you said is true, but IAB thinks that the world is her playground and we are all put here to serve her...she really can't understand why she has to do certain things and has expressed many times that as soon as she's working she's hiring a housekeeper...already divacuntbitchken is the nanny...really...

in the midst of it, MMB has gone to her friends house...but I don't think she was around for the drama part so she's there for pleasure and not cause she can't cope with being pushed to the side while her sister runs amok...which makes me very happy...I can't believe she's entering high school...my little non-talking, strange child who squatted on the couch in her strawberry bathing suit and the red rain boots...she was the little mermaid! see she was an actress even then...
MMB is difficult as hell...she drives me CRAZY! but she is very independent and I don't have to think for her...actually she's the opposite of IAB...I have to check her cause she's a sneaky bitch...she has passwords on everything...her phone, her computer...shit she'd lock her door if I let her...well she locks it from the inside (to which I threaten to take the door off the hinges...and have done it and will do it again) but I'm talking about putting a lock with a key...like the front door type of lock...but I've managed to stay one step ahead of her and know most of what's going on...to be fair, she does tell me most things, and since I've already figured/found out I know she's telling the truth...MMB is also paranoid as hell and when/if something serious happens I will know...

so I'm in peace right now...baby's safe, IAB is angry but safe (and at home), and MMB is safe at her friends...I'm eating "glapes"..."more glapes muma, pleash", bout to go to my barbie room and hit the hay...

since no one cares

or wants to hear it I will post it to space...
I am convinced inappropiatebarbie is retarded...I love my kid but she just doesn't get it and won't ever get it...
she couldn't bring chocolate to school cause he has no clean clothes...I personally bought him 200 dollars worth of summer clothes (on sale I might add-so he had at least 10 outfits with about 5 pairs of shoes)...she washed a few things out by hand and took them to pitas house to dry...seems all his clothes, dirty or clean, are at pitas house...I told her she needs to go there (she has a key) and spend the day washing his clothes (they don't pay electricity, so she does this for free)...her reply was that she won't spend the day doing that "dumb shit"...
chocolate does not really need school, but needs the consistency...her emotional turmoil is taking a toll on him...when I called today he answered the phone and said "mommy's crying"...he worries about her, but I see him with a detached attachment...he's acting out in school...he takes off running cause it's one of the only ways he gets her attention when they are in the street and she's engrossed in conversation with the corner boys...he knows that he wont get his needs met immediately so he finds other means, i.e. getting his own shit out the fridge or attempting to leave the house and go to the store when he wants juice..."I be right back"...
she said "I don't know why all this shit is happening to me" uh, I know..."I don't want shit you have to say...mind the work business...you don't know half of what's going on"...fine...I'm not saying shit...
all I care about is chocolate and his emotional/social development...but I don't like taking him cause it gives her free reign to run the streets...and she does...all night...with the scruffiest folk you ever did see...all men...no girls...so I worry about her safety, and what will happen to chocolate if she gets caught in the wrong place at the wrong time...jail or death...cause I would beat blood out of pita if he took him away from me...