sigh...

I often feel like I'm not heard, don't have anyone to share things with without being cut short, given what seems like opinionated ultimatums...I love suggestions, but if your not walking in my shoes you shouldn't give advise then shut off cause I'm not doing either or...

I'm having a really hard time with choclahontas...yes, she's almost 23 but folks she doesn't act like it...I don't care what she does in her personal life but how it affects the kid, and her lack of emotional attachment to the kid is what bothers me the most...

I'm not here to complain, and I'm not even here to ask for advise cause I do get advise but since folk don't walk in my shoes I sometimes get advice that I've tried or can't use for the particular situation and I can't take the conversations that follow...and I'm not here to justify my decision...

I've decided to turn my dining room into a bedroom for the kid...I'm tired of him climbing over things, wearing dirty clothes when I pick him up, having dirty feet from being in the house and just generally living in unsafe conditions for a three year old...

the bad thing about working with children is you see when children are distressed...I'm no great parent, I'm short on patience, will curse out the older kids and like things a certain way but when I see mine distressed I have to take action...

this kid did not ask to be born...in fact I begged and pleaded that he not be born because I knew the mindset of the parents...they were young, naive, and full of "I know already"...granted most teenagers are this way, but some step up to the plate, but when you have two people with special needs this is never good...

so my poor grandkid...she only takes him for a night maybe every two weeks or so...she ships him to me or the other grandmother..."why take him? just say no...it's her job"...yeah this is true but the difference between his emotional state when he's here and when he's there is markedly different...he came last night, upset that his dirty feet were in his shoes...upset that he had not had a bath since I dropped him off, upset that his environment was not neat, upset that he had on dirty clothes...he cried, screamed, tantrumed until well into the night...only settling down when I laid with him and he could but his head on my leg...he talked all night and ground his teeth- signs of distress...after a night or two he settles down, going to sleep on his own, not needing to sleep on top of me all night...

I told her she's acting like her mother...I needed to tell her the truth...she said I'm a bitch and that's why she doesn't tell me anything...I'm not too upset about this, most teenagers/young adults at some point either say or think this...but she doesn't seem to understand how she is impacting her kid...maybe she does...maybe her demons are shouting to loud for her to hear...I keep telling her to talk to someone...she promises to go see a therapist...but I can't lead her by the hand anymore, I can only do for the baby...I'm afraid the illness that took her mother is beginning to grow inside of her...she joked about having another baby, I told her hell no you don't take care of the one you have, I know you love him but you're not giving him what he needs...I was called a bitch and she stormed out the door...she never disrespects me otherwise and she is appreciative of what she has but she never takes it a step further...she never shows the initiative to better herself...when I talk to to her she generally stands, lets me talks until I say something she does not want to hear then she blows up and storms out leaving the kid upset, confused and angry...

I feel she needs to know the truth...I can't sugar coat it...but being the only one who has these conversation with her I'm a bitch, I don't encourage her, dont see the good...I do talk about the good...the fact that she did go to school for a semester...but how much can I say when she barely attended, didn't take any finals and failed all her classes...she screams she made an effort and I'm tearing her down because I never see the good...

I feel bad...I pushed her off on a poor unsuspecting young man...I can't carry the dead weight anymore...I will care for the baby...give him a home, stability, and consistent emotional support...I love my kid and I will never turn my back on her...but dealing with her I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a drug addict without the drugs...

believe me when I say I don't want to raise another...I looked forward for many years when I could come and go on my own time...get up early, run to the gym, read, write and just be...I hate having to not do things cause of the kid...but I guess this is my thing in life...I have to practice what I preach...