haven't been in the mood to write with making/grading finals, grading final papers, writing aging out reports and endless evaluations...
I have a situation which is forcing me to write even though I don't feel like it...
before I begin, I must make it clear that in reality I don't want my babydaddy...don't like his ways, his lies, his baggage, or his sex (lack of foreplay makes sex frustrating- but that's another story)...he would never accompany to the pow wows, or do anything that I like to do for that matter, but I am still feeling some kind of way...
by recent accounts he's found "the one"...he finally left the Dominican bitch who broke up our family (after being with her ten years)and is with a woman who is twelve years younger than he is (db was much older)...by all accounts the new girl is sweet, real, and does not take his shit ("why" my source told me "would she want to be with him...I see the love in her eyes though")...I am genuinely happy for him but I'm pissed...
they all say this is the happiest they've ever seen him...he tells folks he loves her and wants to marry her...that's fine, but um, what the fuck was I all those years ago...I realize now I was nothing but a jumpoff- even while I lived with him and raised his kids...I really loved this man...I treated him like a king...I overlooked his faults, raised his kids, provided him with a clean home and food on the table, didn't nag him, or interfere with his love of basketball...but he never saw/appreciated/acknowledged what he had, or what I gave him...
but apparently I wasn't enough...or pretty enough...or fly enough...he fucked around...a lot...he's a true player...I said to myself "I will let him get it out his system cause at the end of the day the strength and love of our relationship will see us through"...I viewed his "boning and disowning" as an addiction, and as with any addiction it takes time and a few relapses until you get clean...I thought my love and loyalty would mean something in the end...it didn't mean jack shit...
so we broke up when MMB was about two...about every two years or so we would try to work it out (with him initiating it)...but each time at the end of the day I was nothing more than a jumpoff...the other woman at the moment getting the jewelry, cars, trips and the title of being his "woman"...I would walk away- in the beginning hurt- but as time went on, I just moved on and didn't speak to him...the longest being two years...
but we have a mutual attraction, although I've come to realize that on his part it's only sex...sex that could be from me or any other "jumpoff"...maybe the attraction the same for me too...
however I can say with all certainty that he loves me and in the abstract I love him...how do I know he loves me? cause every conversation is about me...albeit negative, but about me...he talks about me to everyone who will listen and to some who don't care...he know where I am, who I was dating (the what, one two times I dated) and what milestones I have accomplished...now mind you he has four other babymamas, but I never hear him talk about them to such an extent...we've been apart for about twelve years (we were together for about six years, have known each other about twenty-five years, and have been on and off for about a month stretch numerous times in the last twelve years)...
I've tried to move on, but every year or so he comes back to "try to start over...just take it easy...one day at a time"...confusing me...if you hate me so, why keep bothering me...but once I hear about sally, may and april through the grapevine, I'm out...feeling used and abused...again...
the other babymamas don't get the drama I get from him or his family...he never once told another babymama to not be around his kids (and by the way, I've done MUCH better with my life than they have...I continue to grow and achieve)...the other babymamas get to meet his current...but not me...I stay "hidden"...I'm the "one to watch"...I was told that the Dominican bitch said "watch out for her...he's played on all his girlfriends with her"...um bitch, you took him from me and his family...but I digress...
but the joke is I know why I'm "hidden", why I'm "dangerous"...I know too much...I know his every lie, his every scheme, every inch of his body...he can't pass one over on me and it makes him angry...he's afraid I will "out" him...he knows I know where he came from...what he's been through...
the other thing I know is that those closest too him he shits on...seen him do it a couple of times...he's lost so many folk that he fears that if he gets too close and loses another, that last loss just might be the one that sends him over the top...
but I'm annoyed...I put in all that work, love, loyalty and money all those years ago...I should be the one to reap the benefit of love and a lifetime commitment...I know, it's been years and I should be over it, and I know that I'm putting things on him that just aren't realistic...a figment of my mind...
I haven't found the "one"...not that it is his fault or I'm jealous of what he has found, or even that I'm looking, but if he's ready to settle down dammit it should be with me...
maybe its the rejection...maybe if I had the chance to break up with him I would feel better (although I did break up with him the last two times- and lovely to, I might add)...and maybe it's just that he never has or will (I'm convinced) give me the credit and acknowledgment I seem to so desperately want from him...
but I love my life...I was saying that to myself the other day...I know I would not have accomplished as much if I were with him...though I hate that Dominican bitch, she is a sad broken women after the ten years she spent with him...that could've been me...
his daughters don't like/respect him...I was talking with a daughter today who said she would be happy if she never has to speak to him again...that he failed her as a father...that he favors his sons...he doesn't know MMB...doesn't know why we call her moodmagicbarbie...in a way I sure he understands MMB, being blood and all...but in reality he has not spent more than a few days with her at a time since she was two...doesn't know her friends, favorite things, her accomplishments, anxieties or moodswings...everything and everybody comes first...
so why do I feel this burning anger and hurt at hearing he is "in love" and "found the one"...I think in the abstract I want him to give me what my parents have- that true, through thick and thin kind of love...
I know of four friends who married and made a life with their babydaddys, even after going through trails and tribulations...the love was strong enough to sustain them...
would I feel differently if I had the "one" in my life?
but in reality, I don't want him, his baggage, his lies, his women and his drama..and I know he doesn't want me...but my heart still hurts...
on another note, moodmagicbarb is performing tomorrow on a yacht in a fund raiser cruise...the sun is playing too...she is in the guitar ensemble and he plays violin...as it's told chris rock and his wife and kids will be there...or just his wife and kids...I feel like shit cause I have to miss it...it's the last day of school and I have to collect papers...if I'd realized it was the same day I would have made arrangements with my class...but I spent the evening doing hair and nails...of course I will have to pay a monetary fee cause I missed it...ah, the life with MMB...
