its way past my bedtime....

but I am totally enjoying the peace and quiet...moodmagicbarb is at a friends house and I put choclahontas and the blob out...I do feel bad, but you know when a dog is weaning her pups and she walks around looking stressed with the pups hanging on to the tit and squealing? thats me...the mother dog...choclahontas is dragging my boobs to the floor...oh she runs all types of guilt trips on me...like tonite, bearmaiden caught a ride with confusedbarb and her man, choclahontas was supposed to ride with them but at the last minute decided not too...i told her and the blob they could not stay with me...her parting words were "if I die tonite its on your head cause you put me out"...at one time I would've caved and let her stay (along with the blob) and been resentful, but tonite I said as I closed and locked the door "if you took the ride, you wouldn't have to worry about your safety"...click, click, click,lock...

I have too manuals to write...the first one will be entering adolescence, and the second one will be on the transition from adolescence to adulthood- both will incorporate the viewpoint of the child as well as the parent...I actually started the first one, but life got in the way...now that I'm more settled I will start writing again...cause they don't tell you about this shit...they don't tell you about the horrible wonder years between 11 and 14, and they don't tell you about the child who wants to be grown when its convenient but wont leave the house, or pay bill, or get a job, or go to school cause "I can't mommy...I'm doing my best but I'm so overwhelmed"...whatever...

maybe I will get the energy to go to the gym tomorrow...however I have a few issues with the gym...now that I've moved its not really convenient to get too...it all the way cross town and down town...also parking around here sucks and once I leave my parking spot it takes literally 40 minutes to find another spot...the other thing is there is a clear choice between the hair and working out...I get my hair blown out in the winter cause its too damn cold to go out with wet hair...but once I get hot and sweaty its a wrap...the hair is done...but I haven't gone to the gym in about two months and I lost 14 pounds...go figure...
but on the real side my back has been bothering me...I figured out that my chair at work is the culprit...I switched chairs late last week and its starting to feel better...
so Im sure the gym will be out and I will go to the beauty salon instead...I will go back to they gym when I start wearing my hair curly again...I get the vanity from bigbear who buys a new outfit for EVERY occasion, and the hair and face beat to natural perfection...
so now fatigue has set in so I'm turning in...later

what goes around truly comes around...

I had an argument/discussion with moodmagicbarbie the other day who told me that I am so nice it annoys her...she said that she is tired of me being so forgiving to folks who diss/hurt me...I told her yeah, its annoying and I probably shouldn't be that way but I refuse to change me because of a few bad seeds...I have been diss/hurt a few times in my life, but who hasn't...but everyone I meet I treat with love, respect and give them my all until they prove me different...tho I realize that I do sometimes come on too strong too soon and scare them away, or they take my kindness for weakness...however I find it's a deterrent because folks feel real guilty about taking advantage and most often walk away from me...
so we went back and forth...she felt that ANYONE who messes with her, or hurts/disses her will be cut off for life after the first offense...
so here's why I am the way I am...remember a while back I talked about the client who stole money out of my wallet but ended up giving it back because she felt guilty (and with the help of kojak the detective)? well here's another story...
when I moved into my historical apartment, I used the services of a broker...he understood that Harlem belongs to US and when I told him I wanted the apt helped me secure it by lending me the money for the rent and security (I had to get a bank check and with my credit union, it was going to take a few days)...I returned the money to his account via a wire transfer...thus the issue...the credit union wired 520 dollars extra...fast forward a month...the mistake was caught and they pulled the money out of my account...when I called them they explained what happened and said I had to get the money back from the broker...I called him at 7 in the morning explaining the issue...he told me he had received the extra money and that he thought it was a gift/bonus...who gives 520 as a gift/bonus, not I...anywho...by 6 that night he returned 500 dollars..I didn't quibble about the 20 cause shit, I got my 500 without an argument, fight, or wait...
so that's why I am the way I am because it does come back...and no matter how shitty folks are, as long as you're true to you what goes around will come back around again...

so today is a sabbath...

...if you read thebearmaidens blog she will explain so I don't have too...but I'm home ALONE...yes, and I'm loving it...I was graced first thing this morning by two fine verizon dudes who installed my phone jack and now I'm blasting Kayne West on my new Bose wave radio...
so let me tell you about this radio...IT ROCKS...it cost 540, but I paid 83 dollars as a deposit and pay 43 dollars a month for 12 months...I will pay it off when I get my taxes...then I will buy the other components...like more speakers...lol...my neighbors will HATE me...but the thing is this little system sounds better than the sony component I had with the two big speakers and two small speakers...the sound is clear and crisp and I can feel the bass (which is important to me)...go on line and check it out...
so I'm going to hang out with my uncly...we are going to the big goodwill in Mount Vernon...I love to go there and shop for labels...I can get designer jeans that sell for 100 in the store for 7.99...I once got a gucci belt (authentic) for 10.00...everyone fights over my belt...
later dudes and dudettes...

so he's completey out...

all his meager belongings gone and keys returned...I have to work on keeping a man...lol...but I don't like sneaky stuff...once I saw the captions on the pictures I was like oh hell no...now I wasn't jealous of the girl, that wasn't the issue, and I don't care if my picture wasn't up there...but the fact that he wouldn't acknowledge me at all to anyone...but he was in my house...OH HELL NO...
so life moves on...I will miss the companionship, but being a Gemini I was beginning to need a break from him being there, and he needed to get a job...
so life moves on...my friend and her guy took me to a club...an X club...well, maybe not, but most folk were on something besides liquor...they were on the floor, jumping, crawling, standing on their head...yes, I lie to you not...three margaritas later (that felt like six) I danced with a nattydread...had a good time, but I'd b leary to meet someone there...well actually I take that back cause my friends man goes there often and he's pretty normal...anywho, folks go to straight dance...oh I forgot the ballerina who was attempting to incorporate ballet and techno-modern...

the nay sayers win...

so its not going to work with sexy...he put captions on his myspace page that showed that he still had much love for babymama...I made a big deal to expedite the inevitable. I contacted babymama letting her know respectfully where sexy and I stand and to let her know that I'm not a homewreaker and if they still had strong feelings for each other I would step off. He said no, she said yes, and we all know the woman wins. I refuse to fight for a dude, under any circumstances. It was confirmed in my mind when she left him a message and he ran out of here like a bat out of hell...so I came home and packed all his belongings and am currently waiting to hear from him so I can take his belongings to his babymamas house...incidentally he didn't come home last night and I'm assuming he stayed over there afraid to face me...but the joke is at the end of the day I really don't care...
I don't believe in dragging things out...I see which way the wind is blowing and I'm out...if its ment to be, it will be...if not I've saved myself years of back and forth bullshit and a broken heart.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad, but I was single for twelve years so it's really not the end of the world.

Im telling this story only once...

and I don't want to talk about it in real life...

There are questions concerning sexychocolate and whether or he lives in my house...for right now yes he does...I am almost forty years old and Gpddamn it I can do whatever I feel is best for me and my family...yes MMB has concerns/issues about it, but at the end of the day its between me and her and then between us and him...NO, I did not push choclahontas out to be with sexy, those are two totally different issues...and NO I'm not supporting him financially...

I have been single for twelve years, and in that time I only had two relationships- one for three months and the other for five...I wouldn't even really call them relationships...one was really there to babysit cause poppabear was dying and I was more than halfway through a night semester...and the other was a mutual agreement to make our ex's angry (his ex and my ex were brother and sister)...so both of those "relationships" failed...and both were over six years ago...since that time I have grown and matured...

Lets start at the beginning...sexy and I have been seeing each other for the last four months, maybe more...we have always had an attraction but I have been successful in thwarting anything in developing...when I first met sexy about seven years ago he was choclahontas "big brother" in the streets...when she was thirteen/fourteen and running the streets being "hood" he always brought her back to me, he would tell me when she cut school, and when she changed her clothes and was dressed inappropriately...he stepped in when something bad happened to her and stopped her from hustling on the block...

he always told choclahontas "your mamas sexy" and would try to take me out...at that time I knew he was young but didn't know how young (he was nineteen at the time)...I would tell him that I would never mess with him cause I don't do young boys and he would lie and tell me he was 26 (I think I was about thirty-one/two at the time)...bigbear and I always joked about locking him in the basement and making him our sexslave...when we would see him we would josh each other about how he "escaped"...but I was serious...I always told the girls that he was going to be their daddy and if I ever had another child, he was going to be my babydaddy...

fast forward...yes, hes been to jail, and yes he is not educated but everyone uses someone to fulfill a need and we fill each others need...Im not making excuses or glorifying anything but he is starting school in a few weeks and actively searching for a job...

I don't have any fantasies or delusions about him or the situation, but I do know that of all the men I've dealt with- including the idiot when I loved him- I've never had what I have now, and never felt this way about anyone...
this dude and I have a serious connection...if either of us are feeling prickly-we know...we don't even have to be together...if I'm having a day, he will call out the blue and say "ma, you ok?" when I'm stressed or having anxieties he will say "ma, what can I do to help you"...sometimes he won't ask, he will just very quietly start helping me...we argue, but always make up- even if we agree to disagree...I know that no matter what he will always come back, and if he's wrong he will apologize...he's prompt, is considerate, and we can finish each others thoughts...that's what strengthened the attraction...we think alike...

you must understand we did not want or plan for this and we have gone to great lengths to keep it "light"...we agreed to hold off on intimacies because it would really complicate the situation more...in fact we have separated for as long as two weeks with absolutely no contact...but one day I looked up and he was in my office saying "I can't do this"...we tell each other daily this is all wrong...he's concerned that he as nothing to give me...I'm concerned that I'm thirteen years older than him...and we are both concerned how the girls feel (sorry fam, I really don't care what you think)...

Do we love each other? we try not to think about it, but we can't be physically apart for too long, and its reciprocal...we can find each other without using a cell phone, and I always know when he's about to call/show up...

yes, he has a babymama, who I have talked to, and she does not want him...she admitted to me he was a pawn in a game...his heart was broken, but as long as he can see his son he's happy...

so folks, that's it in a nut shell...I don't know where it will go or how it will end...but I do know that I enjoy having someone there...someone who gives me what I need, not material possessions, but companionship...

I will always insure that MMB is not be aversely affected and I will NEVER chose a dude over my kids, but I'm happy, and actually so is she- in her doomy, gloomy sort of thirteen year old way...please trust that after almost forty years I know what I'm doing...

so many things are swirling around

that I really don't know where or how to start...I started moving things from the old house to the new...I put down a new kitchen floor and put a shade in the bathroom...I really like this apartment...it has character...I can feel the folks from way back when, there are alot of spirits, but good not bad...I feel the era...the class...the music...the greatness that was once this complex and the folks who resided here...its weird, but I feel warm and protected being here...
its gonna be strange without choclahontas and tunner on a daily basis...but I'm looking forward to being with moodmagicbarb...choc had me all to herself for eight years, and mmb will have me hopefully for at least six...

sexychocolate and I are together everyday and he helps me tremendously...but I wont lie and say we are in a relationship...we are both using each other for what the other has to offer...
I had a long talk with babymama today...she started by leaving some nasty message, then calling me and not saying anything...but I told her she can talk to me...she said basically she doesnt want/like sexychocolate and that (which she didn't verbalize directly)she was making her husband (whom she claims she's divorcing) jealous...she confirmed what sexy told me, and that is they haven't been intimate since she found out she was pregnant...she wasn't nasty to me and said she just wants him to see the baby...she did not take responsibility for some dumbshit she did the other day (which I saw first hand)and told only half the story...but whatever...I got my own shit...I talked with sexy about it without getting too involved and not asking his side (cause basically I don't care)...

choclahontas is defiantly feeling some kind of way about this whole moving process...I feel bad for her, but its not like I didn't tell her about this from the beginning...she's my child and I love her dearly, but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and make moves...I know she will be ok, and I hope that she does not feel I'm throwing her away, because I'm not, but I know that this need to be done to make her get serious and make some goals to aspire to.

Tunner, or whirlwind, is funny as hell, however he's taking to cursing which is really not funny...but he knows its wrong, and if we curse he looks at us and says "no, powpow, no say dat"...when he curses and you look at him or say something he immediately says "oh SHOOOT, oh man"..."fuck outta here" is his new favorite along with "oh SHIT"...
whirlwind knows his mama and her capabilities, or lack of...he wanted cereal, and he asked her many times...she put cereal in the bowl, but forgot the milk..."milk, mama" he said...she forgot to give him a spoon...he climb off the chair and went to the box where the silverware is grumblling "poon, ^%*$!@#$%^^%$$##@#, poon, no mama poon"...he got his spoon sat down and ate...
the other day when choc was in a tude, he leaned over to sexy and said "mama attitude, right?"...
so I hope my ramblings are coherent...I'm tired and trying not to be overwhelmed...I have to write a final tomorrow and tuesday that class gets theirs..so I have to grade finals and papers and get all my shit out by dec thirty-first...