today I'm sad...

...I'm sad because I thought I was a better mother...I thought I instilled love, caring, sharing and the beauty of hard work in my children...

but at some point I failed...both are self-centered...one is so miserable you'd think I exposed her to horrible things in her life, kept her in constant danger, deprived her of any form of happiness and love...the other is so self-absorbed that she does not see that her actions, and choice of folk she chooses to surround herself with, are getting her into serious trouble...her choices will get her killed, in jail, or have her child taken from her...

I gave up everything for my children...I didn't date, I didn't want to have men parade in and out of their lives...the three mistakes I've made (of which were not boyfriends) one child will never let me forget...she yells it in my face whenever she gets angry or doesn't get her way...she will scream how I exposed her to "crazies and rapists" which is so far from the truth...every job I took I calculated how much time I would be able to spend with my children, even if the job had lower wages...they always had before me...clothes, food, shoes etc...I went to school so I could give them better lives...get them out the projects...but for one that is not enough...

the other child runs...tells me "that's why I don't talk to you" when I'm trying to fix the mess she put herself in...serious life altering types of messes...

I try...I'm far from perfect...I get pissed after repeating myself...I yell...I curse...but I get so angry when I telling them the shortcut...the easy way to settle their situations with minimal damage to themselves or the family...

so one is happy to see me leave, the other locks herself in the room and is pissed that I exist...the mere sound of my voice, my breathing sets her off in a tirade where she will pull out everything in an attempt to break me, have me quiver and cower...it's like she lives to break me down...and God forbid I say something...so I yell and curse cause Lord knows if I were another kind of mother that would be an abused child...

but I love my children...but I feel like I'm always on the defense...like I have to walk on egg shells...I just can't be me...everything I say is corrected or I'm accused of being condescending...or my words are taking out of context, twisted to satisfy the self made prophecy of hatred and non-caring on my part...

sometimes I just don't want the fight...I'm tired...tired from working two jobs...tired of constantly "modeling" my behavior so my children will grow up proper...tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...

one had a vacation...I spent good money for her to sit in a hotel...I guess she had a good time, but since she's been back it's been hell...no smile, no joy, no talking...just insults after insults...she's already predicted that our new years eve is going to be miserable and trust me she is doing everything in her power to make that come true...

the other...well, what can I say...I just can't believe that she chooses to live the life she does...

I just hope and pray that life does not treat them bad and kick them in the ass too much...I'm not going to give up on my kids, I will always be there for them and do what I can for them...but shit, I would love that they acknowledge and respect me...birthdays, mothers day will go by and if I don't ask them for something neither will think to give or do anything for me...and even then, one of them has the attitude like "I don't do for people, so don't bother do for me"...oh, but let a birthday go by without gifts...shit, even when I get gifts it's never enough...but I will always do for my kids...even if it means giving up my last...

so today I'm sad...I've been sad for a long time...I hope that nothing bad happens to me or that I'm taken off this earth for my children to appreciate what they have...I'm not perfect but I try really hard to be the best I can be...that should count for something...

so I'm going to make the best of the rest of my vacation...even if folk are unhappy cause I realize that nothing I do will make them happy or make a difference so I'm just gonna do for me...

fat

my fat
is my buffer to the world
insulation
from peoples
thoughts
issues
fears

my fat
protects me
from sensations
vibrations

everything is muted
when it goes through
the fat

my fat
locks everything in
my thoughts
feelings
sensations
sadness
anger

why do I need my fat?
the protection
insulation
security

I'm afraid
to let it go
what will happen
if I don't have
the warm blanket
of my fat

thick, yellow
chicken fat
coating
laying
under my skin
winding around
my entrails

if I confront
my fat
I confront
me
and its not
always pretty
scary in fact

I cant let
my security blanket go
fat
my fat

the year is almost over...

this was a strange year...a year of growth and change...I'm glad this year has ended and I'm truly looking forward to the new year, the new beginning...I thank God that we have so many opportunities to start over...

In this upcoming year I foresee changes...I also promise to write almost everyday...not just to share the mundane minutes of my life, but to create a journal...so this time next year I will have a record of what happened in my year...the good, bad and boring...

I will write later about how things have been going...I've spent a lot of time of facebook...it's a faster pace, and also you don't have to dig in depth...about you, your issues, your joys, your triumphs, or your failures...

MMB went to Miami with her sidepony and is due back tonight...choclahontas, with the help of bigbear has faced her mess and started to clean it up...we all realize that she really has a disorder...so do we say "that's how she is" and let her slide? or do we not use it as an excuse...I don't know...

I met a guy...not MY type of guy at all...but seems very sweet, secure in who he is, and unapologetic about what and who he is...kinda like me...his birthday is two days before mine so we have an understanding...but I like him...I wish I could change some stuff, but who am I to talk...but we will see...I'm not building any structures...I'ma flow like water and see where the current takes me...

In this upcoming year, I want to make some job changes...the college offered me a full time position teaching...I'm taking the job on top of my job, but I think I'm going to let the therapeutic nursery go in september...I've been there five years this june..I will never be promoted, I only got a raise because I got a new license, and I think that job is going to be a dead end...I like the kids, but my personal growth will be stunted in the end...

so later for now...

for those who read me...

sorry I've been away so long...my internet was acting up...so I find if I sit right under my dining room window I can mooch somebodies internet...hey, I'm saving 50 dollars a month...
some stuff has been going on...the most annoying is that moodmagicbarbie is fourteen and is really trying out her new attitude...for the most part I don't mind, but once in a while I got to show her whose boss...and no, MMB you're not gonna make me cry, so please stop trying...but I will shut your ass down and make your life miserable...so now that that's out the way I can proceed...

I'm counting down the days till winter break...it's eleven working days...I did all I have to do...I bought and built MMB two dressers...I changed the dining room light (the old one was putting on a fireworks show every time I flipped the switch...not good)...I've cleaned, rearranged, and organized...I hope that on this vacation I can have fun, go out a few times and basically veg...I will take my sunshine to a few museums when I feel like it...cause you know he never wants to leave once he's here...

but basically I'm in a good space...I have my eye on someone I hope I can pursue...I have one chance next week...if it works, good...if it doesn't, well it wasn't for me...

poppy is having surgery on the 23rd...minor, but still...please put him in your thoughts and prayers...

so that's it for today...off to bed I go...

toodles...