HELLO...

I have to blog at bearmaiden's house cause I lent my laptop to choclahontas, she tripped over the cord and broke it...so I can't charge my computer...my lifeline...work has been to busy to blog...so briefly here is where my mind is...

I'm not really into politics, but for the first time I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, watching CNN as much as my father and grandfather...watching debates...
Palin is a joke, but just cause the nation refuses to accept the knowledge of a black man we are really facing four years of an idiot and his beauty queen sidekick...she really makes us women look bad...

the caseload at my therapeutic nursery is crazy...no, not the kids- the parents...when I have more time I will explain case by case (with name and identifying details changed of course)...

chocolate is in the hospital cause some smart person gave him cheesecake...choclahontas ate a crabcake that the hospital served baby and now she's in emergency...

so I'm going to eat Chinese...when I get a chance I will blog in more detail...

btw...had a talk with idiot...he wanted to have a nice conversation at his request...he really tried...asked me to go with him to maryland for the day...shityeah I'm going...takes me out of NYC for a day on his dime...he must be up to something...I promise to tell when I find out...I've known this man for 25 years and I know him WELL...probably better than he knows himself...

a little fun...

most is true except I'm not envious...

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. Your Fixation: Envy Your Primary Fear: To have no identity Your Primary Desire: To find yourself Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

health update

I've not given up...every time I go to the dr, no matter if its the primary dr or my GYN I tell them I have an issue, I gain weight for no reason even though I eat well, I exercise if all I do is walk, usually they tell me just eat well, walk more, it's nothing wrong...the attitude has been you're just obese, get over it...

trust your body...if you feel something is off don't take the dr's word when they say it's in your head...

so finally I got paid attention...I started having irregular periods...the answer was either I was in premenopause (I'm not), its your thyroid (it's not) or it's ok, it happens, it will even out...

well after having only two periods this year my GYN paid attention...I emailed a lot her documenting my issues...
I'm getting a blood test in the morning to confirm a diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome...look it up, but long story short I have cysts in my ovaries that stop ovulation which somehow ends up producing too much insulin in my body...I'm also being tested for diabetes...
it's a vicious cycle, I gain weight which exacerbates the condition which causes me to gain more weight...so I'm up to 196...but the GYN said that in addition to taking estrogen I will be on diabetes medication which will help me lose weight...I'm assuming that once I get to a healthy weight I can discontinue the medication...
I'm continuing with yoga, which I love and I'm joining weight watchers tomorrow...I went to a meeting last week and I liked it...

I'm really happy...everyone has something, but it's good to know what that something is...my greatest fear is cancer so anything else I can easily deal with (I could deal with cancer if I was faced with it...poppy survived so I know I would)...if this diagnosis is correct then I can do what I need to do to stay healthy...

PCOS and even type 2 diabetes are controllable with diet, weight and exercise...I'm already on the right track so I'm not worried about that...

but I can't express how I feel...I feel like a two ton weight has been lifted from my shoulders...I can't wait to feel "normal" again...to not get on the scale and see I've gained ten pounds in two weeks that I can't attribute to eating a whole cake or a pint of ice cream (I don't eat either items)...

so pray for me...pray that this is the issue so I can start the process of healing...

I am angry and resentful

at the moment cause I'm tired of struggling...it's not like I don't bust my ass...I currently have two jobs, one part time (I'm teaching only one class this semester) and my day job that is falling apart...

I drive down the FDR every morning...I see fab and expensive cars...young folk driving Mercedes and BMW's, Volvo's, Bentley's even...and I ask "where the fuck are they getting the money?"

I have a masters, I have years of experience, I BUST MY ASS...why do I have two jobs and looking for a third to SURVIVE...I don't understand it...

I don't take days off, I rarely slack on the job...I got a "late start" in my career but I more than made up for it putting in sweat and labor...so what the fuck is the issue...

I don't sleep all day, I don't make excuses as to why I can't take a job, and every job I do I make it my business to learn it and excel at it...
so why are some folk so successful and I'm not? is it because I'm a woman? is it because my skin is brown? is it because I don't wear matching tank tops and cardigans with gap pants?

At this stage in life I can not take the risk to open my own business...I don't have the start up money, nor can I take the time needed to build revenue...I have to pay my rent which is going up 96.50 in two months...

so what gives? do I pack up and move out of state? is it really better? do I sell my soul to the devil? do I sell drugs?

so I sit and work, annoyed that folk are not doing what they need to survive, but focusing on me cause I need to survive and wondering if this election is really going to make a difference...

fuck Bush....

...we had our talk...cause of the economy, in order for me to have and retain health benefits I have to work 35 hours a week...when I was hired I only worked 28 and had benefits...my job is driven by my clinical hours, as it stands today, is only 6 hours per week...I love my director cause she tries everything in her power to make things work...but reality is now I have to document my day, wildfire has to do her job (which takes hours away from me)and hope and pray bosslady finds a way...
the education department does not take into consideration all I do, and they say I can achieve all I do in three days...
you know I will do my best...no talking, blogging, playing on facebook (which I do minimally anyway, except talk)...

Thanks Bush...I hope we don't have much of the same for the next four years...here I am with two jobs, searching for a third, and I still can't make ends meet...it's almost better if I let them cut me to three days, or work fee for service and get medicade and foodstamps...I bet Bush and his kids/relatives or oldmanMcCain and his friends and relations don't have these issues or worries...let alone Palin who used tax payer dollars to take her daughter to NY and lives lovely on taxpayer money...btw, has anyone heard if she has a masters? I read that she went to six undergrads in six years, changing her major along the way...

my life is on the upswing....

...sometimes it's not worth complaining because things just work themselves out...
MMB came to her senses...actually she was very apprehensive about starting high school and she has major issues with anticipation...so now that we are in the second week of school she has settled into her groove...she survived freshman friday, partly because she does not look like a freshman...

choclahontas did the right thing, stepped up to the plate and got rid of all the leeches in her life...now all she needs is a job...

and idiot...I'm not impressed by him, nor am I afraid of him...I tell him the truth...most times he does not want to hear it and becomes belligerent...but like I told him, at the end of the day I'm all you have...I'm the only one who will keep it real with you, and knowing your for 25 years, I know you inside and out so cut the shit...you better step up to the plate and fix yourself...man up to your fuck ups cause Lord knows I man up every time I screw up...

this morning we had a really nice talk about disneybarbie being pregnant...she's 17...I was the first to know but he's never acknowledge the pregnancy to me...so this morning he did...and even admitted that he really doesnt know how to handle it...as far as his relationship with MMB at this point, I realized he's scared of her...he does not know how to approach her...not making an excuse for him cause being daddy he needs to figure that shit out...and quickly...cause MMB is unforgiving...but under that she as soft as vanilla ice cream...she's like me, a porcupine...we poke folk to protect our underbelly...
I always say there's hope for him...like bearmaiden with thecat, I've seen the other side...I've rubbed the soft underbelly...it's ok to be a girlyman...but I'm not settling for less, especially when it comes to my kids...

so the job is ok...the "talk" was not what I thought...they want me, they need me...I was cut a day, but the other director hired me as a consultant for 2 1/2 a week which will roughly give me my missing wages...I'm looking for a paying gig (part time), but in the mean time I'm going to volunteer...I've applied to CASA(court appointed special advocates), which is a volunteer court appointed guardian ad litem, working as an advocate for foster children to help them obscure safe permanent housing...gotta do something, if I stayed home, my house would be a different color every week...

so back to work...actually I have nothing to do today but I will pretend...

so I'm not happy....

but just because I'm not happy does not mean that life needs to end...
I truly believe that our lives are prewritten, and that at every step we have many choices...but once we make our choice that path is written until we take another step...
so right now I'm standing still...things are hovering, but nothing has landed...so at the moment I have few choices...
there are things out of my control that I just am not going to deal with...I have just enough energy to live my life and keep MMB on the straight and narrow, and everything else can fall by the wayside...

I am riding Idiots ass cause he needs to be a father...he failed MMB in her childhood and he better be here now...he's not gonna stay away then come smiling back when the waters grow calm...I hold him accountable to everything...good and bad...cause when he does good I let him know...like taming a wild dog...

so later for now...I'm awaiting the "talk" with bosslady and clinical director sometime this week...have no idea what it could be about, but I have a few ideas...none of which will benefit me...

hey blogfolk...

...I've been gone for a while, and for the moment I'm back...
I am struggling with stuff...choclahontas, MMB, my job and my newly found out lack of funds...the job cut me a day...

so I'm not happy, but since I have not figured out a path or plan it doesnt make sense to complain but just live each day as it comes...
I also don't feel well...I've only had my period twice this year...I'm tired as hell, bloated and my weight is a few pounds shy of 200...despite going to yoga and trying to walk as much as possible, and being super conscious of my food intake...I have two doctors appts coming up so hopefully they can figure something out...

so I'm not happy...but I know one day I will be looking back on this time...