the "talk"

so my "clinical director" and I finally had the "talk"...she decided to come down...very long boring story short, they suggested to me it's time to leave cause 1. I breached some kind of code when I told the kitchen that the teachers weren't putting food in front of a kid 2. I told "clinical director" that teachers took food home 3. "its good to change social workers every four to five years...it keeps things fresh"...never mind the fact that everyones been there for minimum thirteen years...4. I'm not utilizing my talents...apparently they don't feel I'm an effective clinician...

I can only surmise that 1. they don't want to pay me...if I pass the LCSW test you better believe I will be asking for a raise 2. I'm a threat cause I "talk to much" and "don't keep secrets" 3. I don't play the game and don't follow the "chain of command"...I would follow the chain of command if folks actually came to the site...and why should I go through two folk if I can go directly to the boss...it's senseless to me...

so I'm actively seeking new employment...I will not be where I'm not wanted or where my talents aren't being "utilized"...

the teacher, who got to "speak" to me attempted to "blow me up"..."I could say things that I'm sure you don't want folk to know" she whined...I stopped her and said "the joke is I tell...folks know what I do...good and bad"..."I doubt it...I've heard things you've said about folks" she sniveled..."ask *headsupervisorsocialworker*...I don't whisper...and you better believe what I say in confidence I can to the persons face"...
I have been playing a few against the middle...I'm tired of folks not doing their job and me having to pick up the pieces...I told the group that there is a difference between liking a person socially and as a co-worker...I really like wildfire as a friend, but not as a co-worker...she does no work...
"clinical director" suggested that if daycare offered me a job I should take it...and maybe I will...cause I will raise in the ranks faster over there then in the therapeutic...it's a shame, cause I have a lot to offer the nursery...but "clinical director" will never let me raise or grow as long as she and bosslady have shit locked down...
more later...I have a housefull...ugh...and a migrane...

life...

...will kick your ass...Inappropriatebarbie took chocolate to school this morning cause I left her ass...got him there at 11...folks already knew the story so they didn't say anything...she was dressed for work and went to stores filling out applications and leaving her resume...I guess she sees that 1. folks aren't playing and 2. she's gonna fuck up and lose all she has and 3. she's a lucky chick cause she has a lot and didn't have to bust her ass for it...
she tried to run a guilt trip tonight, but I held my ground...even when she said she's gonna find someone (at nine at night) to braid chocolates hair...whatever...I didn't even think twice...
bearmaiden, what you said is true, but IAB thinks that the world is her playground and we are all put here to serve her...she really can't understand why she has to do certain things and has expressed many times that as soon as she's working she's hiring a housekeeper...already divacuntbitchken is the nanny...really...

in the midst of it, MMB has gone to her friends house...but I don't think she was around for the drama part so she's there for pleasure and not cause she can't cope with being pushed to the side while her sister runs amok...which makes me very happy...I can't believe she's entering high school...my little non-talking, strange child who squatted on the couch in her strawberry bathing suit and the red rain boots...she was the little mermaid! see she was an actress even then...
MMB is difficult as hell...she drives me CRAZY! but she is very independent and I don't have to think for her...actually she's the opposite of IAB...I have to check her cause she's a sneaky bitch...she has passwords on everything...her phone, her computer...shit she'd lock her door if I let her...well she locks it from the inside (to which I threaten to take the door off the hinges...and have done it and will do it again) but I'm talking about putting a lock with a key...like the front door type of lock...but I've managed to stay one step ahead of her and know most of what's going on...to be fair, she does tell me most things, and since I've already figured/found out I know she's telling the truth...MMB is also paranoid as hell and when/if something serious happens I will know...

so I'm in peace right now...baby's safe, IAB is angry but safe (and at home), and MMB is safe at her friends...I'm eating "glapes"..."more glapes muma, pleash", bout to go to my barbie room and hit the hay...

since no one cares

or wants to hear it I will post it to space...
I am convinced inappropiatebarbie is retarded...I love my kid but she just doesn't get it and won't ever get it...
she couldn't bring chocolate to school cause he has no clean clothes...I personally bought him 200 dollars worth of summer clothes (on sale I might add-so he had at least 10 outfits with about 5 pairs of shoes)...she washed a few things out by hand and took them to pitas house to dry...seems all his clothes, dirty or clean, are at pitas house...I told her she needs to go there (she has a key) and spend the day washing his clothes (they don't pay electricity, so she does this for free)...her reply was that she won't spend the day doing that "dumb shit"...
chocolate does not really need school, but needs the consistency...her emotional turmoil is taking a toll on him...when I called today he answered the phone and said "mommy's crying"...he worries about her, but I see him with a detached attachment...he's acting out in school...he takes off running cause it's one of the only ways he gets her attention when they are in the street and she's engrossed in conversation with the corner boys...he knows that he wont get his needs met immediately so he finds other means, i.e. getting his own shit out the fridge or attempting to leave the house and go to the store when he wants juice..."I be right back"...
she said "I don't know why all this shit is happening to me" uh, I know..."I don't want shit you have to say...mind the work business...you don't know half of what's going on"...fine...I'm not saying shit...
all I care about is chocolate and his emotional/social development...but I don't like taking him cause it gives her free reign to run the streets...and she does...all night...with the scruffiest folk you ever did see...all men...no girls...so I worry about her safety, and what will happen to chocolate if she gets caught in the wrong place at the wrong time...jail or death...cause I would beat blood out of pita if he took him away from me...

life...

...will kick your ass...Inappropriatebarbie took chocolate to school this morning cause I left her ass...got him there at 11...folks already knew the story so they didn't say anything...she was dressed for work and went to stores filling out applications and leaving her resume...I guess she sees that 1. folks aren't playing and 2. she's gonna fuck up and lose all she has and 3. she's a lucky chick cause she has a lot and didn't have to bust her ass for it...
she tried to run a guilt trip tonight, but I held my ground...even when she said she's gonna find someone (at nine at night) to braid chocolates hair...whatever...I didn't even think twice...
bearmaiden, what you said is true, but IAB thinks that the world is her playground and we are all put here to serve her...she really can't understand why she has to do certain things and has expressed many times that as soon as she's working she's hiring a housekeeper...already divacuntbitchken is the nanny...really...

in the midst of it, MMB has gone to her friends house...but I don't think she was around for the drama part so she's there for pleasure and not cause she can't cope with being pushed to the side while her sister runs amok...which makes me very happy...I can't believe she's entering high school...my little non-talking, strange child who squatted on the couch in her strawberry bathing suit and the red rain boots...she was the little mermaid! see she was an actress even then...
MMB is difficult as hell...she drives me CRAZY! but she is very independent and I don't have to think for her...actually she's the opposite of IAB...I have to check her cause she's a sneaky bitch...she has passwords on everything...her phone, her computer...shit she'd lock her door if I let her...well she locks it from the inside (to which I threaten to take the door off the hinges...and have done it and will do it again) but I'm talking about putting a lock with a key...like the front door type of lock...but I've managed to stay one step ahead of her and know most of what's going on...to be fair, she does tell me most things, and since I've already figured/found out I know she's telling the truth...MMB is also paranoid as hell and when/if something serious happens I will know...

so I'm in peace right now...baby's safe, IAB is angry but safe (and at home), and MMB is safe at her friends...I'm eating "glapes"..."more glapes muma, pleash", bout to go to my barbie room and hit the hay...

sorry for the delay...

...if you read me at all...
I haven't written cause I really don't like to complain...and if I'm complaining it's because internally I'm brainstorming..I like to hear different opinions, but I know what I've tried and what worked or didn't...

work is really getting to me...maybe I just need my vacation that is coming two weeks from today...I really like my job overall but it's four years and I'm getting restless...as long as "clinical director" is around I will never be allowed to progress...case in point...I give staff development once a month for the daycare where our classroom is housed...speech has been giving in-service to the teachers, which is fine, but why the fuck did she do an in-service on child growth and development and play development...last time I checked she is the speech pathologist...and why the fuck did "clinical director" ok this...but when I asked her months ago could I do this training she said something to the effect of "no, you're a 'young' social worker and teaching college is just reciting the book...I have 25 years of experience"...
so "clinical director" wants to "make my life easier" by having me write a job description for wildfire...if you are the supervisor write your own fucken job description for wildfire...you should know what wildfire needs to do...but telling her what she needs to do is not the issue...its getting her to do it...
SUPERVISION AND ENFORCEMENT FOLKS...
I need supervision...sometimes I need that person to look over my shoulder and tell me what I'm doing right or wrong...to make sure I've not lost a kid somewhere in the mound of paper work (well, in actuality it's only in the spring that I'm swamped)...

MMB is getting on my nerves...it's just that she's 13...when she's 16 it will be better...but least shes on the upswing...she wants to be a star and I support her 100% but she does not want to hear what I have to say...about ANYTHING...she got stubborn and know-it-allness from both sides of the family...fatlady you can represent her/train her/be her agent...THANKS...I will take on one or both of yours...plus, when your kids see you spend more time with other kids they tend to straighten up and act right...

choclahontas has a new name thanks to bearmaiden, who laughed on sat as we approached her in preparation to get in the car and go to the pow wow...last time we went to a pow wow she had on booty shorts and purple stiletto heels...this time she had on many colors and white knee socks *sigh* at lest she had on sneakers...but she looked cute...anyway, bearmaiden said "her name should be inappropriatebarbie"...and so it is...
she's getting a huge wake up call...something to do with letting folks fool with her bank account which they overdrew and bounced checks, froze what little assets she has...owing me three months of the cell phone bill...owing storage...messing with so many boys/men on 8th ave folks are talking..."I'm not fucking anybody" she says...yeah but folks don't know that...baby needs his mama and she's not paying him attention...her needing a job ASAP or she's gonna be homeless (and she's NOT coming here)...her being mad at me cause I wont let chocolate spend the night (which breaks my heart cause he really wants to) cause I know she's not doing laundry (which hasn't been washed since she moved in back in March...actually she moved with dirty clothes and has bags of dirty clothes in the storage locker), looking for a job, or doing anything productive but running around with her "friends"...so she's been yanking and slamming my car door...told her if she breaks it I'ma break her...

poppy's students (I think four or five) gave him really harsh reviews...at his college the kids write the reviews out...he's taking it personally and has entered a "tunnel" which sets big bear on edge...she over compensates, he gets edgy, they bicker...I'm basically staying out the way...I told him not to worry...apparently this class was given to him (usually he gets to pick his students) and one or most of this bunch are leaving for some reason or another...but his moods directly affect his health...

I'm really happy for bearmaiden and tomcat...I knew from the first she told me that this is long-term...can't explain it...I get a comfortable feeling...a feeling of familiarity...

speaking of feelings...I had a dream a few weeks back that someone was in my house...it was at night...I hid behind the wall and surprised them in my kitchen (which overlooks the fire escape)...it was young dudes...they went back out when they realized that I was standing there, but as I was looking out the window one of them knelt down on one knee and pointed a gun at me...
like an idiot I kept that window open (though I booby-trapped it so I would know if someone entered)...every time I came home I checked the window from the outside as well as the inside...I knew that I really needed to close that window but it was too damn hot...
last weekend I was in and out the house doing laundry...I had the window open but the screen down...I went to the sink and realized that my screen was up...instead of tempting fate I locked my window and put a note on a neon green postcard that reads "if you're close enough to read this I'm close enough to shoot you"...the feeling of finding someone in my house is gone...but the kitchen is hot as hell...
I've learned not to ignore my intuition...I don't second guess it anymore...there have been times when I know I should/shouldn't do something and I'm being lazy and ignore and what I felt was gonna happen, happens...like my car mirror being hit, turning back and having the building fall on me and choclahontas...

so I have a moment of peace...baby is with his mama (much to her dismay), MMB is at her friends for the rest of the week...and I am going to my lavender and pink barbie room and lighting my candles...I'm still going to yoga and LOVE it...

last but not least...
does anyone want my finches? I have four...a mommy, daddy and two kids (a boy and a girl)...they are about four years old but in good health...they have a new large cage and they are happy...I just don't have the time to clean the cage (it has to be cleaned weekly)...ok, I'm tired of cleaning the fucken cage!!!! they are low maintenance and very hardy...they mate for life so I can't think of separating them...
PLEASE TAKE THEM...i will bring them to you...i will even buy them food...once...

snow falling
gently
as it touches
my hand
it tickles
cold
wet
cold
white fluffy
snow
swirling
whirling
cold
wet
cold
snow
then I wake up

machines whirring
dryers turning
the heat is above
105
ladies draped down
long sleeves
head covered
skirts to the floor
oblivious to the heat
talking on the phone
in a sing song voice
as we American ladies
all but naked
melt
sweat
curse
while we fold our clothes

dude...get off the corner...

I live a stones throw away from the soon to be demolished Yankee stadium and the newly constructed UGLY Yankee stadium (actually the both look just the same-just across the street from one another-go figure)...
anywho, last night was the all star game, played at the soon to be demolished stadium...I took a long walk with my sunshine and as I crossed one bridge I could hear the national anthem playing...I ended up on the corner to wait for choclahontas to collect her child as I'm assuming they were finishing up the opening ceremonies...now being a news whore I knew at some point there was going to be a flyover of sorts...just wasn't sure which planes were playing...I love planes and cars, so I try to see...
I was standing on the corner when I heard a noise...looked up and in all its glory was the stealth bomber...this is my second experience seeing the stealth bomber...it is truly a work of design genius (although it had/has many issues in the field)...you don't hear it until it's right over your head (hence the name people) and when it's about a block away you don't hear it anymore...
my lovely folk also heard the noise and said "oh shit...what the fuck is that?...yo, it's a UFO"...folk, I tell you no lie...at the same time I was telling sunshine "look, pa, the stealth bomber"...dudes standing next to me said "you sure? that shit looks like a UFO..." "why that shit was moving so slow?" asked another fellow "yo, that shit's supposed to move fast...what the fuck, they watching us? they gonna bomb Harlem?"...no, I said, they were doing a fly over..."word, I wouldn't known that shit if you didn't tell me...that shit still look like a UFO"...dudes who where on the other side of the street flirting with the girls and drinking soda missed it all...
still reeling from the ignorance of it all I handed over tunner to his mom and walked up the block...
there is a group of folk that take over the sidewalk in the evenings...they set up the card table...break out the henny and dutch, line the kids up in the strollers- keeping them quiet and contained with ices and chips- set up the radio to play the latest songs on the ipod and lounge...as I walked past this charming group I overheard one say to another "that shit did look like a UFO..." a taller older gentleman of the street explained about the bombers, but went on to add "you know they gonna bomb Harlem to get rid of the black folk, so the white folk can move on in"...Um, like setting off a roach bomb perhaps? I wanted to ask...if they bomb Harlem, there won't be any buildings for white folks to move into...
ah, and we wonder why we're so fucked up...read a paper, watch the news, GET THE FUCK OFF THE CORNER...like bigbear said "earth to wheezy"...

only in NY

I would assume...
I had a totally multicultural weekend...it started yesterday when MMB wanted her hair blown out...now in NY the place to get the hair did is by the Dominicans...my sisters know how to straighten them curls and make it last for weeks! well, with my curly frizzy hair blowing it out is kinda of dumb cause it will generally last about two days tops so I decided to get it braided...so I dropped MMB off with my Dominican sisters with their music flowing and the fast talking and I head down the block to the land of Africa...
I've only gotten my hair braided twice (this being the second time) cause I can't stand the fake hair, so I waited until I could just get my hair braided...
WELL...this was an experience...
my lady was fresh from Canada...she has only been in NY for 2 weeks...she came from Senegal about 9 years ago...she was draped down and sweet...she said she spoke her native language and french and wanted to speak english as well as she knew french...but man could she braid...small and tight...this will last in my hair for the rest of the summer...
we watched African movies (in english) and watched a video of someones wedding party...the culture is not kind to our sisters...
then today we went to our first pow wow of the season...I needed to hear those drums...you can listen to native music, but it's so not the same...to hear/feel/smell the drums can be replicated...to eat the food...to visit with friends you haven't seen since last year...
MMB is getting into the jewelery and she and I pick up a few things...nothing spoke to choclahontas this trip, but she is fighting with herself...
wow...what a day, what a weekend...I'm sure bearmaiden will post pictures at some point...

I'm @ work

doing no work...well, I'm pretending...
I'm annoyed with the job and the teachers aren't speaking to me...here's a copy of the email I sent to boss lady...this will tell you why they aren't speaking to me...

I had an incident with (teacher) this morning.
I walked into the room and observed that (teacher)did not put a bowl of oatmeal in front of (kid). I asked (teacher)if she was going to give him food and she said he doesn't eat. I told her that she has to put food in front of him anyway, whether he eats or not. She put raisins in front of him and he ate a few, a played with the rest. I again asked if she would give him oatmeal and she replied that since he does not eat she wanted to save the food for the next child who wants.
This is not the first incident. I observed on another occasion that they did not give (kid)pancakes, and when I inquired they gave him pancakes and he ate the whole serving.
I went back into the room and told (teacher)that I don't want a problem but it doesn't matter if a child eats or not food has to be put in front of them at every meal.

so the "clinical director", who never comes down here, was pissed cause I put "our business" out there to the site director and her administration (cause I told the kitchen and the director that they need to walk into the room and observe the feeding habits...this has been going on for a while...the teachers skimp on giving the kids food so they can take home the leftovers and feed their families...that's fine, but the food is for the kids...feed them first, then take home whatever)...last time I checked site director is the one who provides the food (we are housed in another site separate from bosslady and "clinical director")...these folks need to understand that tho I'm only the "clinical therapist", I alone, am overseeing the day to day function of this site...I told "clinical director" that from here on out I'm only doing my job...we have three children returning, and six are needed to open the classroom and full capacity is twelve...we have no headteacher, no occupational therapist, the physical therapy notes have not been filed since December and not all the medicals are up to date...I'm not busting my ass to fill this classroom, they even asked me to help find a teacher...I'm not doing that either...fuck 'em...

so I'm looking for another job...if this job cleans up it's act I will stay...in two more days my bill will be paid...

wildfire started filing notes, but her grandson came so she went out leaving the unfiled notes exposed (they are legal documents and should be locked up or at least put away at all times)...I'm not doing that shit either...

so I'm packaging one of the last three evals I'm doing...I'm not doing anymore...the ed eval was done by bosslady in may and I just picked up the report this morning...way out of the 20 day compliance...as my name is signed to the overall package, I look like the fool...

I wish I know at 40 at 20...

...cause at 40 I'd be a bad bitch...well, a badder bitch cause I'm a bad bitch already...
I found YOGA...who knew...I wish I knew about yoga at 20...OMG, my first class ever and I am hooked!!!!! and if anyone ever told you yoga was easy is lying through their teeth...
to feel the stretch, the burn...OMG I LOVED IT...I sweated without having to jump around and hurt my joints...
so I'm a yoga junkie...the class is convenient and in my path of walking and at a good hour...
it's quiet, I can get inside of myself and best of all NO KIDS OR MEN...YES...

so the hood is thumping to the beat of a mexican van (no disrespect intended...that's what they are called) that is filled to the gills with high power speakers and chrome rims...sounds like I'm having a party in my house...

healthy living

I sent out this email and decided to cut and paste and share with you in blogworld...

hey guys...I started this group on MSN...I'm hoping to build a community to share and gain a better understanding about health and nutrition for our indegenous women. We are not shaped like our other sisters and I'm finding we need/cant tolerate certain foods and vitamins.

I'm hoping to understand why I'm so freakin heavy even though I eat pretty well and exercise (sometimes) lol...I feel this is an issue we all face and fight with...I feel if we pool all our knowledge we can live healthier lives...I left it open so everyone can moderate, add and delete information...

I started with my visual food diary. I take a picture of everything that goes into my mouth...I've been doing this for three days (I posted the first two days)...due to space I will delete these two days in a day or two and try to post everynite what I ate that day...I really would like you to do the same...it will help us compare...to find what works and what doesn't...I find that I'm thinking twice about what I'm eating cause, wow, that doesn't look good in a picture (i.e eating the icing crumbs off the bottom of the cake plate)...
This is not about being a size two, but being healthy at any size...we are beautiful and we need to feel/be the best we can...

I'm not really computer savvy, so if anyone wants to take this further, or add more stuff, please feel free...also please invite anyone you wish (the invite thingie wasn't working)...

here is the link:
http://groups.msn.com/healthylivingforbetterliving

the day after

oh say can you see
by the dawns early light
the left over residue
from last nights fight
on the ramparts I watched
the poor trees screaming
again I ask
was I only dreaming?
the cops never came
the streets torn down
the cars, buildings
does this happen downtown?
my house smells of smoke
but the curtains were saved
another year we're safe
from the neighborhoods craze
oh say that the star spangled
banner does wave
o'er the land of the free
and the block of the brave

gansta banner

oh say can you see
the ghetto firework show
by the window I watch
already in the know
twilights last gleaming
the rockets red glare
I stand and I shiver
while bombs burst in the air
giving proof through the night
that the stupid are there
oh say where the cops at
when we need them the most
as I fear that my curtains
will go up in smoke
oh say that the star spangled
banner does wave
o'er the land of the free
and the block of the brave

exhale

once again I'm healthy has a horse...thank God...and once again I have to come to terms with the fact I'm a big bruising bitch...Ima lay off the soy, potatoes, corn and meat...stick to a rigorous but fun diet and live...I got my period (I know TMI) so the weight should come rolling off...the good thing is that I shouldn't have my period all summer...I'm not gonna complain cause I can live with that...

MMB is going to start a summer program that features dance, theater and swimming...thank you divacuntbitchken...he's teaching in this program and secured a spot...

hypervigilantbarb reached out to me...so we are emailing again...bitch realized I'ma trueblue friend...

choclahontas cleaned out her apt...she put stuff in my car to go to storage and is going to the laundry tonite...divacuntbitchken told me the house is spotless...yes...bearmaiden had faith in her...I was just gonna kick her ass and take her kid...seems her and pita are working together...maybe she realized it really doesnt get much better than that...

so all is well with the world...I get to pay off my bills in full in 8 days...

random shit

1. racism is alive and well in NYC...wildfire went to her grandson's christening...her son is half PR and half polish...the babymama is first generation Italian...baby looks white...wildfire is PR, but brown...baby is in the walker and she was sitting with him...white lady walks up and says "you're the babysitter? I'm taking the baby"...wildfire composes herself, calls her son and asks "who the fuck is that? I'm not going to make a scene but you better correct that"...son brings lady over and introduces them by name...wildfire says "I'm the babys grandmother and I'M taking the baby"...now I think the true story ended a little different...I don't call wildfire wildfire for nothing...but anywho
2. I went to the Dr. for my yearly check up (mandated by my job), but went to a new Dr. cause the last one tried to pull a fast one on me...tried to bill me a year later for a Dr. they said was in network, but wasn't...when Dr.lady comes in she says "what brings you here today" I say "I just switched from another Dr. and I need this medical filled out" she says "what are you? a home attendant?" now not knocking home attendants cause they work hard, but they babysit old folk and wipe their ass for minimum wage, and most are immigrants and only a high school diploma or GED is required for the job..."no" I say in my most proper and lovely tone "I'm a clinical therapist"...she fumble and futtered through the rest of the visit...
3. I had to put my foot down and send choclahontas home to the squirrel invasion in her home cause I've had chocolate for the last three weeks and she's done nothing- or shall I say, not followed thru- with what she needs to do to get the squirrels from partying on her bed...I told her to put the air conditioner I bought for chocolate in the fire escape window (which is in her room) till the super removes the childbars in the other room, close her windows, change her sheets and put HER CHILD to bed...I felt bad, but everytime she asks me to take chocolate it's because "I'm going to the laundry" or "I gotta clean my house" for which she's done neither...I love chocolate with all my heart, but if I wanted a kid I would have, or could have, one...
4. someone in my life has found a man...and I'm soo happy for them...I hung out with them the other day...they really seem to have the connection and I really see a future...not saying it wont have ups and downs, but I get that comfortable feeling...
5. Dr.lady, after insulting me by making an ASSumption, feels that my issues is my thyroid...I gained 21 pounds in about three months...after I lost about 30...I'm gaining too quickly...even if I ate pizza and cake everyday I shouldn't have gained that much weight...especially since I walk and eat well...get the test results (which I'm sure are normal) tomorrow...but I read that soy is a hypothyroidism's worst enemy and I've been drinking soy milk and eating soy ice cream...
6. MMB is doing really well...she has decided that she wants to act...she also has been practicing her guitar as she is waiting for her lessons to start...I totally support her, but I do tell her the reality cause I don't want them to crush my babygirl cause we all know showbiz is brutal...she needs to be prepared...
7. my bill are gonna get paid in full july 10th...I can't freakin wait...