life is well today...

30 dollars later the only issue with the car is there is a light on the back door that was not being turned off...the actual light goes on and off so I couldn't tell when it was on...
I asked the mexican mechanic his opinion on keeping the car...he said he has a 2002 sedona and loves it...he said it's a good car...that's what my research showed when I bought the car...
so I'm keeping my car...when I get it painted I want pink flames on the side and a pink lotus flower on the hood...my mexican brothers will hook it up...

I'm on my way to watch fireworks with bearmaiden...I wasn't invited, but who cares...all involved will get over it...

thanks fatlady and bearmaiden, you both helped tremendously...yeah, I do have to reevaluate...bearmaiden, you DONT mind riding the train...I'm not too worried bout choclahontas...so my only concern is the parents and tinyone, and for now MMB...
the issues with kias is that they don't have a five-ten year mark history...I got the second or third generation (I think second)...however I have found that buying parts for the car is REALLY difficult and hard to find...I do have a hole in my oil tank which my mechanic sealed cause we couldn't find the cover...
so the more I write, the more I feel I should dump it while I can...the car averaged 1,080.00 a year, which is about 90 a month to own...I've gotten my money's worth on this vehicle...
so I'm going to the greek electric guy to see what's going on and from there I will better decide what to do...
but a smaller car sounds great...lower fuel costs and I can actually find better parking...
I still want feedback folks...

now since all involved are so smart why do I get my period every two to three months? I had a blood test last year and my hormone and thyroid levels are normal...but according to bigbears scale I've gained about 14 pounds in the two months I haven't had a period...the Dr's seem to think all is well...

I need your help

I don't know what to do...my 2003 kia sedona is beginning to have issues...seems I have an electrical problem...worst case it's the alternater, best case it's just a short...my car goes dead after sitting for the weekend and I have to get a boost...not cute at seven-thirty in the morning...I have an issue with my wheels (can't figure if it's the tires, but I had to get a wheel alignment)...and it cost about sixty dollars to fill the tank...and my warranty ends next thursday...
so my question...should I trade my car in (for peanuts I might add) and get a new car or truck or should I pour money into this car...btw, I have fifty-seven thousand miles...
the other issue is that being the only driver in the family I'm also struggling with whether to buy another van (which I really can't afford) that seats seven or just go with a smaller car/truck and rent when we are going somewhere...bearmaiden seems to have a friend who doesn't mind driving and choclahontas's babydaddy bought a car and is eager to drive...which, if all goes well, means I only have to worry about chocolate, MMB and the parents on most occasions...
what to do? I need opinions...and if anyone knows a good car salesman/woman who can give me a bargain let me know...also is it cheaper to buy a car outside of NYC? cause I will drive to get a good deal...ALSO I don't mind buying a truck cause I banking on gas prices going down in the next year, and the trucks are CHEAP right now...
what you think...

I'm bored as hell....

I'm sitting home...MMB went to a party with her sister and divacuntbitchken...of course I have chocolate so I can't go out...even bearmaiden is out...SHIT...
I really don't want to go out, but since I'm not talking to anyone I have no one to call...SHIT...I'm tired anyway...

I told choclahontas she better come early and get her kid...I'm going to a rummage sale...I love to find a bargain...got my first pair of designer jeans at a rummage sale and I was hooked..to the jeans and rummage sales...it's all about the score...find that designer whatever in good/new condition...when you walk down the street in all designer clothes, a five hundred dollar outfit that cost you thirty dollars tops, is the best feeling...I just laugh quietly to myself at all the idiots who spend their life savings to look good...hahahahahaha....
now the car is something different...and shoes...can't rummage shoes...unless they are totally new...and of course nothing intimate...that's plain nasty...

being bored
only if I knew what to do
reminds me of
everthing I could be
doing
oh gosh
my time is dwindling away

when I was younger I had intense feelings of boredom...I always felt, and still do, that I can't just do me...it's always something...and the reason is I have a strong sense of responsibility...when I was younger I didn't want to let my parents down, or do anything that they didn't approve of...now I had my moments between eighteen and about twenty then I settled in being mommy to choclahontas...(I have to ask her permission to share her story)...so I've always put my wants to the side...I love to walk, and if were up to me I would walk everywhere...but with MMB and chocolate that's impossible...he's too heavy and she complains (not for the first few miles)...
so I ended up just being bored...bored with the same shit, same folks...when I lived in bigbears building I would just sit outside...I love watching folk, and sometimes an old friend would pass by...but with chocolate here sleeping I can't do that...but it's not fair for him to be out to all hours of the night...I know I know...but he's little and he didn't ask to be born...

well I'm going to watch t.v...tomorrow is another day...

friends...

for one reason or another I've cut everyone out my life and realized, SHIT, I have no friends left...

the funny thing is I really didn't noticed till just now...SHIT

but I refuse to be around folk that take more than they give...I gotta find a new social circle...SHIT...

I'm totally not social...I go out, have drinks, go to a movie if I want to, I just tend to do it by myself or with family...but family is family and sometimes they get on my nerves and I don't want to be bothered with them either...

the issue is that I see MMB doing the same thing...NOT GOOD...but that will change for her once she enters high school...

it's not that I'm antisocial or boring (reserved, quiet maybe...more a watcher till I'm comfortable)but folks talk about the dumbest shit...much rather watch chocolate flirt "you got an inny?" he asked a cute little girl as they pulled up their shirts and compared belly buttons...however the little girl behind him got on his nerves...she had the nerve to talk through the son's violin recital..."shhh" he told her quite a few time..."quiet" he told her and pointed to the stage as if to say "bitch, they're playing, show some respect"...and finally "CUT IT" with fire shooting from his eyes...he was really pissed that she continued to talk when they were playing..."she not nice muma"...

so I have to hone in on the social skills development...SHIT...don't hold the cup in front of you at the bar, your setting up barriers...SHIT...I like barriers...

went to a car dealership today 1. I'm still debating if I'm buying another car and 2. to practice being social...SHIT...anywho, I scared the poor man to death...when I walked in he thought "oh boy...an easy target...a woman"...long story short, when I told him the car I was looking at was 17 feet (he measured it and I was right) he said I blew him away...I told him since I did not come in to buy a car I needed 24 hours to think it over...they tried all the tricks, to the point that all the dealers (men) were standing around listening to our conversation because I DO know what I'm talking about...I only open my mouth when I know what I'm talking about...and I'm beginning to realize I know a lot...albeit I'm not as savy as raw dawg, kelo's nuts, bearmaiden and lovebabz...just can't read the books they do...I find them sooooooo boring...much rather read case studies...but I digress...
so the poor man said he had to shake my hand...said in the twenty years he'd never met anyone like me...hahaha...said he'd like to see my research whether I buy a car or not...hahaha

so my social skills building worked to a point, but I intimidated the poor man...SHIT...I got to stop scaring folk to death...or maybe they need to, I don't know, stop being wossis...

so here's a poem as I sit and write the heavens are about to open up...

wind
invisible
the silent strength
I must respect you
forced to respect you
you can be so gentle
so soft
stirring the trees
on a hot summer day
till you're angry
then you whip
roar
churn
turn
destroy
then the anger is over
and again
you're soft
gentle
warm
invisible
wind

HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL...

including the single mothers who are holding it down...

I had a convo with MMB the other day...after I posted I cursed choclahontas out via text message...said all I wanted to say without being interrupted...felt damn good too...she was mad and didn't speak to me for a few days, but today it was back to normal...but she made changes and looked BEAUTIFUL...chose working on her school project over going to a party...good look...

anyway MMB said I was being hard and sometimes I really go overboard...I agreed and said when you're a single parent it's soo different...you have to be good cop, bad cop, friend, disciplinarian, yeller, hospital goer the middle of the night, teller of the truth, teller of stories cause you don't want your child to be hurt...I told her sometimes I do have to go overboard...it would be a disservice and I would be a bad mother if I kept my mouth shut...she stayed quiet and I could hear the cog wheels turning...

but I had a wonderful fathers day...poppabear is not feeling well so we didn't go out...seems he got choclahontas's strep...

I got a visit from kerriann (she requested that name) my beautiful stepdaughter...she came to take MMB to the other sister's, dingbatbarbie, graduation party...kerriann's secrets out...she's nine weeks pregnant...she's sixteen...but like choclahontas (who was seventeen) its not the worst that can happen...I will blog about way I say that later...I knew, but kept the secret...go me...

anywho, she called her dad -the idiot- who said he would drive them...so when he came two hours late, I went downstairs, 1. so see his girlfriend, and 2. cause I was on my way downtown to the good supermarket...

he was nervous, why I don't know/care, but long story short he introduced us...girlfriend jumped out the car to show off her fat ass...

folks, I am the first to admit I'm not beautiful...bigbear, my own mother, told me I'm "handsome"...but folks I'm no nightmare...I do say I look a HELL of a lot better in person than pictures, but I'm not modelesc...not the type who walks down the street and folk (men and women alike) whisper "oh my God, she's gorgeous" (like rawdawgs babymama...dude she's beautiful...if I was a dude I hit on her, but I digress- yeah, I was cyberstalking)...I'm short, shapely, round and got a lazy eye...but it doesn't stop me from getting my shoutouts in the street...doesn't stop me from getting hit on in the bars/clubs/get togethers...

but girlfriend made me look like a superstar...I have manarms, she had fat, I have curly shiny hair, she had extentions...can we say no class? even in my sweats I looked better than she...but I really saw the idiot for who he is...a sad, classless, old mr. young...I am way above him...I wasn't a jumpoff...he couldn't handle me so he tried everything to break me...once told me I would make a good cab driver...another time (while I was in grad school mind you) when I asked him if he knew of any part time jobs he told me I could see socks on '25th...he was serious too...

she got back into the car and put her fake louie on her lap...I turned so she could see my LARGE, REAL, vintage fendi...the window went down "oh, 'professor', it was nice to meet you" she said as she eyed the bag, understanding that I WAY above her in the class department..."it was nice to meet you too, and contrary to what you've heard, it's all cool boo" I said with a flip of my real hair, in my most divacuntbitch tone...I learned to throw shade from the best...she sat chewing gum, with a ton of lipgloss on, in idiots broken down car with his horrible sons in the back seat...

kerriann (who I love cause she's most like me- outspoken) said "dad, there is no room in the car for me and MMB"...he had girlfriend in the front, her daughter and his two horrible sons (12 and 14/15)in the back..."here's 20, you and MMB can take a cab"...huh? put the boys in a cab and let the girls ride in the car...especially since you know kerriann's pregnant...girlfriend sat in the front eyeing me chewing her gum, silent...see that's when I knew for a fact she was classless...cause I would have told him to let the boys get in a cab, and if he objected I would have gotten in the cab with the girls..."kerriann, stop with the dramatics...take a cab...you'll be ok"...wow...folk, you'd be proud...I didn't open my mouth once...
the girls wanted to support dingbatbarbie so they got in the cab...idiot saw nothing wrong with what he just did...wow...

but I never felt so good (despite his bullshit)...I was on cloud nine all the way to bigbears house...cowing down the street (to cow is to know you look good, and walk with an air...divacuntbitchken [choclahontas's roommate and dance partner] is the master of cowing)...

folk, I got my shit together...I have a masters from a good school (Fordham University), I hold two licenses- licensed master social worker (LMSW) and school social worker (SSW), I'm about to upgrade my LMSW to the LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) after taking a test, I'm a college professor, and an expert in the field of child development and child counseling...
she and he are teachers...the type who do it for the summers off with pay...with two dollar masters (the type you get after 30 credits)...that's all they are and all they will ever be...neither one will progress to teach college or get on the principal track...

folk, I went downtown to the good supermarket, spent 122.00 on good healthy food, and knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt I would NEVER go back to that man...

on to the future...my kids are ok, my grandson is ok, my parents are ok, and even my sister is ok...

LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

trouble...

raising children is really hard...wonderful, rewarding, but hard...especially if you're doing it by yourself...
there are books on the first year, on the terrible twos...you might get a book or two on the middle years...the books start to dwindle with the teenage years, and when it comes to that young adult (that you are still responsible for) the books all but dry up...
I love choclahontas...she's 21 and living on her own...well, she has her own apartment...with a roommate...and her son...
she says she's grown, but she's not...if you've been following my blog you will know that I kinda pushed her out on her ass...I had to...she would have never left otherwise...
but what do you do when you know your kid...newly "grown" kid...is heading for sure disaster...do you stand by and watch the train wreck? do you attempt to intervene? do you just take over?
I'm the first to admit the kid is spoiled...like I told her tonight, you've never had to struggle for anything...but she did have a good upbringing and though she was spoiled she was still taught responsibility... but that shit has gone out the window...I really would let her sink or swim except that I really love my sunshine...

but I know, as a clinician/professor/and just being around kids, that she will grown and change...
but DAMN...I'm tired...

and to think I gotta go through this again with MMB...she is a totally different kid, and the scenario might be different, but the bullshit will be the same...

BTW, she has refused to go to graduation...I wish she would change her mind, but I'm allowing her and teaching her that her word is her bond and that once you speak you have to live up to your words...

I'm very tired...very very tired...so I will write tomorrow or the next day...

here's another...

since I got such good feedback on/off line, here's another...

where's the mens at?
hiding under a rock
bed
jail
I'm looking high and low
below
under
around
high past the sun
in space
the stars
mars
where's the mens at
I don't know
can you tell me?
oh I see
the mens they all
taken
busy
lusting
after the young
dumb
they don't want me
mature
round
smart
on second thought
I don't care
where's the mens at

summer

summer
heat, hot, murky
sweat, lust, breezy
sounds of children playing
folks on stoops
laughing,
yelling
fussing
coco icy
mr. softee
yelling when a basket is made
fly cars
music thumping
bumping
shaking cars, windows
smell of garbage
barbeque
tree outside my window
moves with the wind
fans going
slow moving
summer
summer
summer

bitch mode day 3

maybe it's the heat...maybe I'm just tired of folk...think there is a reason why I don't have friends/boyfriend...I just don't like folk and I have very short patience for folk and their bullshit...
hypervigilantbarb got on my last fucken nerve...I'm with you until you lie to me...especially when I'm not asking for an explanations and you contact me out of the blue to tell me a lie...
to make a long stupid story short, MMB has a best friend from kindergarten that hooked up with HVB's son...that's fine, but MMB like me hates a liar...so when the two started lying, MMB's feelings got hurt...I mentioned it to HVB only because we generally talk about everything...now I'm not going into a play by play cause that's not important, however HVB jumped funny...partly cause in a round about way I let her know I caught her in a lie...I guess her conscious was fuckin with her...whatever...she said I was being childish...funny but I don't feel anyway about it...told her I was talking to her like a sister, but I see I gotta watch my mouth...

so in my book another one bites the dust...and personally I could really care less...I have to watch myself because I always seem to get into relationships that are not reciprocal...I end up giving so much and getting back nothing...I have to introspect to see what need I'm trying to fulfill in myself...

I ask myself as it concerns being in a relationship with a dude..."if I were to become incapacitated or a quadriplegic would he stick around? would the love be that deep? and if he were to become incapacitated or a quadriplegic, would I stick around?" so far the answer has been no on all accounts (expect for the idiot...I would have wiped his ass and chin, but we see that the feeling was not reciprocated)...

when it comes to friendships the question I ask myself is "is this friend gonna be a person I call when I'm in trouble? will this person be there for me in the way I will be there for them?" for the most part yeah...but when you start lying I start examining our relationship, and past incidences...I have given more than I've received?

Every friend fills a certain need...it's rare that you find a friend that fulfills everything...I have girls I call when I want to hang out, I have friends who I chill with and drink wine, I have friends who I go to the pow wows with, I have friends that I don't see, but who I communicate with via email or text...HVB is the latter...but my friends can mingle, and I do like to put them together once in a while...but I think I put more stock in my friendship with HVB than whats there...as I review I realize that though we talk, I don't "mix" with her other friends or even her family...she will have functions and for no apparent reason not invite me or mine..

I am a very self contained person, as is bearmaiden...I don't need a gaggle of friends or even a boyfriend to feel complete or happy...you must understand I was not socialized "normally"...it was me, bearmaiden and the parents on a beach in the backwoods of Jamaica (read all about in in bearmaidens blog)...bearmaiden had some school experience, but I never had that...I only had contact with my family...I did not go to school until I was 11 (when we returned to the US), and then I was skipped a grade...so imagine, I was smaller, younger, and had a "funny" accent...no one was banging down doors to be my friend...so I over compensated...I gave...I gave my possessions, my body, my thoughts to be liked...
I once had a friend say "you fear what you don't understand" and that totally applies to me...folks didn't understand me and they fear me...fear translates into hostility...so folk are often mean to me...when I was younger they tormented me...

I'm very friendly, I will talk to everyone, and do let folk in, but once you fuck up (and I give lots of chances for folk to redeem themselves) I'm out...I just don't have time for the drama and bullshit...

so I won't contact her, and if she does not contact me it's her loss...I always make the first step, always "make nice"...but not this time I know my worth and if folks wanna throw that away over bullshit, then fuck them...

cause at the end of the day only I make my happiness...only I make my world go round...and I'm quite content thank you very much...

I'm still in bitch mode...

and let me tell you why:
1. Idiot didn't come through...now I knew he wouldn't, so I don't know why I'm even bothered by it...he told me "we will alternate weekends to give MMB her allowance" which, mind you, is only 20.00 a week...plus I give her "bonus's" for extra shit...well I planned to give her the allowance anyway cause he's an ass...he said that so I wouldn't haul his ass back to court for more support...but I know he's a broke ass...too busy trying to impress his young thing...plus he's never been good with money...anywho Ima haul his ass back anyway just for fun...we really don't need the money...

2. love ya bearmaiden, but you got on my fucken nerves...yea I "shoulda left earlier" but I was trying to gather the crowd...it's like herding ants...and we got stuck in traffic, nothing to do with the beach or the rock...be a little more understanding...

3. choclahontas has no preparedness skills, so the heat smacked her in the ass...no fan, no air conditioning...which meant I had chocolate..."let her deal with it" I can hear bearmaiden say...but it's not his fault and I'm not going to jeopardize his health to teach her a lesson...but they are going to pitas house tonight...she called, she misses her son...good for her cause folk know I snatch me some babies...

4. I don't like hypocrites...if you eat something, say "I eat this sometimes" don't say "I don't eat this" but sneak and eat it...especially when you're looking good...you're sabotaging yourself...

5. I totally have job burnout...I get a week and a day off...I just have to go in for meetings on two of those days...no big...no kids so it's ok

and finally 6. (which should really be a separate post)

yesterday I met my MMB's best friends mothers boyfriend...I'm really happy for her, she deserves to have a good person in her life, but it got me thinking...yesterday (I started the post on sunday, but it's monday morning) we went to seafood city...a popular hangout for many of my spanish relatives, especially after the much famed Puerto Rican day parade...as I love to people watch I observed the mating game...
I saw woman my age, younger and older than me, "dress to impress"...showing off their ASSets...putting their bodies on display...boobs hanging out, ass hanging out...stilettos high to make the bootie look higher rounder, move more...acting out videos and porn movie parts...

now back to my friend (love her)...she was walking with her new man...one piece tight jumpsuit...tasteful, but ASSets hanging out...same thing...he casual in prada shoes, gucci belt...the uniform...would each be with the other if the uniform were different?

I could dress that way if I wanted, but I wouldn't be comfortable...I don't have a big ass, but it's good enough...I could wear heels and tight clothes, low cut blouses to reveal my DDD's and curvy shape...but why? why must I put myself on display? what happened to the mystery? what happened to tasteful sexy? I don't dress like an old maid, but why do I have to wear shit cut up my ass or down to my navel to get a man...what happened to the revealing moment when you get undressed for that first time...like unwrapping a present...now women put all their shit out their to walk down the street...

watching those girls/women...grown ass women...strut their stuff on the catwalk in front of an audience of men was disgusting...if that's what it takes to get a man then fuck it, I will stay alone...

I refuse to "compete" to get/keep a man...one of the "reasons" why idiot and I didn't work out...he stayed with the dominican bitch for ten years...in the ten years she confronted countless women, cursing, fighting, talking, stalking to "keep her man"...but in the end he left her anyway...on to the next who will curse, fight, talk, and stalk to "keep her man"...with any man I'm with, if he sees someone and wants to be with them, God bless him cause I'm out...I refuse to play that game...

That's why I'm happily by myself...no drama, no games, no having to play a "role" or play the game by the "rules"...

Im feeling really bitchy today...

...I really get annoyed with folks and their bullshit...on the job front I was hired as a clinician...to conduct play therapy with littlies with issues...thats fine, but I do so much more...that's ok, cause I love to work...
but things are progressing at such a pace that I am doing all the work, wildfire spends her days on the computer ordering shit (I do to, but I do it during lunch) and reading catalogs...I am in a fight to be recognized...my direct supervisor asked to me write all I do...the following is an exert from that email...I want you to keep in mind that 2X3o means I see a child twice a week for thirty minutes and 1X30 is once a week for thirty minutes...so if I see nineteen children that's nineteen hours of therapy...I work from 8:30 t0 3:30...but in reality my day does not start till nine and I generally leave at three...

As requested I am writing down my responsibilities. I have estimated the time for each.

This school year I am responsible for nineteen children:
eight uptown- seven 2X30
one 1x30
eleven at VD- nine 2X30
two 1X30

Intake: the bulk of this is conducted between September and November.
organize and review reports- 30-60 minutes per child
make appointments for school visits- 20 minutes overall
conduct school tours- 60 minutes per child
follow-up with you, (the other social worker), the region, the clinicians and teachers- 60 minutes per child.
meet with parents to get consents signed and tell them about the school day, curriculum, and policy- 60 minutes create files- 30 minutes per chart
document first attends and file in chart- 10 minutes per child
inform clinicians of their caseload- 20 minutes

Placement: January to May
organize and review aging out reports- 60 minutes per child.
Collateral meeting with teachers and clinicians- 60 minutes per child.
parent meeting- 60 minutes
psychologist observation and meeting at VD- 60 minutes per child.
aging out meeting at the region- 60 minutes per child.

Annual Reviews: on-going throughout the year
make lists of when an annual are due (and keeping them current)- 10 minutes per child
write social history updates- 30-45 minutes per child
write updated treatments summery- 30-45 minutes per child
gathering reports and reviewing them with supervision- 60 minutes per child.
attend CPSE meetings- 60 minutes per child.

Maintance of Files: insure files are in compliance with NYS and DOH guidelines.
make lists of when an annual are due (and keeping them current)- 30-45 minutes per list
make lists of when an medicals are due (and keeping them current)- 30-45 minutes per list
update address list- 30-45 minutes per list
insure notes are filled in proper sections- 10 minutes per chart

Evaluations(for VD):
conduct social history- 60 minutes per child.
coordinate evaluation appointments- 30-45 minutes per child overall
organize and review evaluation out reports- 60 minutes per child.
conduct parent outcome meetings- 60 minutes per child.
attend CPSE meetings- 60 minutes per child.
collateral meeting with you, (the other social worker) and staff if child is potential-60 minutes per child.

now understand that the Maintance of files is wildfires job...making the list is wildfires job...taking shit to the region is wildfires job...she gets paid 25,000 to do what?
I'm not one to blow up folks spots...I really don't like conflict and confrontation...but this shit is really crazy...I don't even want her fired, but somebody needs to supervise her and make her do her job...
so I had bonding time with my boss and the clinical director- who told me I was falling down on the job I was hired for, for which I totally agree- and told them "well, if you want me to do my job, get that bitch to do hers"...

now I really like wildfire as a person and friend, but she truly sucks as a co-worker...if we get audited we are screwed cause our charts are out of compliance...I told the folks that be that, so it's no longer on my head...told bosslady that she better do a chart audit...told her I'm no longer fixing the charts and when she finds an issue, don't come to me...

there is also an issue with wildfire and the fundraiser money...now she is very honest, but recently she has been very forgetful...I will give her gum, she forgets where she put it...she can't remember to go to the classroom and take a message...she gets very edgy when I remind her, or encourage her to do something I asked, or something that needs to be done NOW...so now I have to babysit her and gently remind her what she was doing/saying...

case in point...we had a bus issue...she had to call the parents to tell them school was not closed...normally I do that, but this day she wanted to work (partly cause I told her I was reporting shit to bosslady)...I watched her make three phone calls...she said she was doing it in small groups...she sat down and forgot what she was doing...I said "you were calling the parents"...she said "fuck that shit, they will be alright", but in a few minutes she sheepishly asked me "why was I calling the parents again?"...now she's young, not on drugs, and is not being distracted...I am worried about her and jokingly said (everything has to be said jokingly or she takes offense) "I'm telling your doctor that you're forgetting everything"...she said "yeah I'll tell her"...

so folks, that on top of choclahontas being 21 and moodmagicbarb being 13, and bearmaiden being upset over youngthang, I'm pooped!!!!!

but I scored some really really cool red BCBG shoes and a flowing silk shirt t match...think I'm gonna wear it to the company cruise THAT NO ONE NAMED BIGBEAR OR BEARMAIDEN WILL ACCOMPANY ME TO...that's ok, Ima bond time with my boss and co-workers...

its lunchtime...

I don't understand why mofo's don't like to work...we have a job people, and all our jobs piggyback off the next persons job...so do you freakin job...I've written on this before...our job is easy in comparison...we don't have a supervisor on site, but there is no excuse why notes have not been filed in six months...we are all grown up here...

it's a beautiful day in NYC...I love the summer...I love the heat...i look cute in my summer yellow...

well back to work...

I feel refreshed....

the offline comments were reassuring...it felt so good to own my feelings and move on...some took it like I wanted to go back...uh, NEVER...it's like vomiting...while you're throwing up you re taste what made you sick, then you wipe your mouth off, brush your teeth and feel good that that's out your system...that folks, is how I'm feeling...I got that minty good taste in my mouth...

MMB is so excited...she said "maybe I'll get discovered"...bobby mcfarren is supposed to be there too...now I doubt if she will be discovered on a yacht, but this is the first time she has gotten excited about guitar...usually it's fighting and bribery to make her pick it up, much less practice..."pretend you like it" I tell her...

choclahontas is off to her drawing class...looking like the diva she is, and my chocolate sunshine was all bright and sunny this morning, pointing out the big boats and tunnels on the FDR...

I gotta say, I really love me and my life...I've walked for miles cause with the rising gas prices I don't drive my car on the weekends...damn, I'm looking good...the hair is curling just right (I tell you, expensive products make all the difference) and I got my early morning shoutouts...

well back to work...oop, it's almost time to go home...LAST DAY OF CLASS...yes, until september...

ex's/babydaddys

haven't been in the mood to write with making/grading finals, grading final papers, writing aging out reports and endless evaluations...

I have a situation which is forcing me to write even though I don't feel like it...

before I begin, I must make it clear that in reality I don't want my babydaddy...don't like his ways, his lies, his baggage, or his sex (lack of foreplay makes sex frustrating- but that's another story)...he would never accompany to the pow wows, or do anything that I like to do for that matter, but I am still feeling some kind of way...

by recent accounts he's found "the one"...he finally left the Dominican bitch who broke up our family (after being with her ten years)and is with a woman who is twelve years younger than he is (db was much older)...by all accounts the new girl is sweet, real, and does not take his shit ("why" my source told me "would she want to be with him...I see the love in her eyes though")...I am genuinely happy for him but I'm pissed...

they all say this is the happiest they've ever seen him...he tells folks he loves her and wants to marry her...that's fine, but um, what the fuck was I all those years ago...I realize now I was nothing but a jumpoff- even while I lived with him and raised his kids...I really loved this man...I treated him like a king...I overlooked his faults, raised his kids, provided him with a clean home and food on the table, didn't nag him, or interfere with his love of basketball...but he never saw/appreciated/acknowledged what he had, or what I gave him...

but apparently I wasn't enough...or pretty enough...or fly enough...he fucked around...a lot...he's a true player...I said to myself "I will let him get it out his system cause at the end of the day the strength and love of our relationship will see us through"...I viewed his "boning and disowning" as an addiction, and as with any addiction it takes time and a few relapses until you get clean...I thought my love and loyalty would mean something in the end...it didn't mean jack shit...

so we broke up when MMB was about two...about every two years or so we would try to work it out (with him initiating it)...but each time at the end of the day I was nothing more than a jumpoff...the other woman at the moment getting the jewelry, cars, trips and the title of being his "woman"...I would walk away- in the beginning hurt- but as time went on, I just moved on and didn't speak to him...the longest being two years...

but we have a mutual attraction, although I've come to realize that on his part it's only sex...sex that could be from me or any other "jumpoff"...maybe the attraction the same for me too...
however I can say with all certainty that he loves me and in the abstract I love him...how do I know he loves me? cause every conversation is about me...albeit negative, but about me...he talks about me to everyone who will listen and to some who don't care...he know where I am, who I was dating (the what, one two times I dated) and what milestones I have accomplished...now mind you he has four other babymamas, but I never hear him talk about them to such an extent...we've been apart for about twelve years (we were together for about six years, have known each other about twenty-five years, and have been on and off for about a month stretch numerous times in the last twelve years)...
I've tried to move on, but every year or so he comes back to "try to start over...just take it easy...one day at a time"...confusing me...if you hate me so, why keep bothering me...but once I hear about sally, may and april through the grapevine, I'm out...feeling used and abused...again...

the other babymamas don't get the drama I get from him or his family...he never once told another babymama to not be around his kids (and by the way, I've done MUCH better with my life than they have...I continue to grow and achieve)...the other babymamas get to meet his current...but not me...I stay "hidden"...I'm the "one to watch"...I was told that the Dominican bitch said "watch out for her...he's played on all his girlfriends with her"...um bitch, you took him from me and his family...but I digress...

but the joke is I know why I'm "hidden", why I'm "dangerous"...I know too much...I know his every lie, his every scheme, every inch of his body...he can't pass one over on me and it makes him angry...he's afraid I will "out" him...he knows I know where he came from...what he's been through...
the other thing I know is that those closest too him he shits on...seen him do it a couple of times...he's lost so many folk that he fears that if he gets too close and loses another, that last loss just might be the one that sends him over the top...

but I'm annoyed...I put in all that work, love, loyalty and money all those years ago...I should be the one to reap the benefit of love and a lifetime commitment...I know, it's been years and I should be over it, and I know that I'm putting things on him that just aren't realistic...a figment of my mind...
I haven't found the "one"...not that it is his fault or I'm jealous of what he has found, or even that I'm looking, but if he's ready to settle down dammit it should be with me...

maybe its the rejection...maybe if I had the chance to break up with him I would feel better (although I did break up with him the last two times- and lovely to, I might add)...and maybe it's just that he never has or will (I'm convinced) give me the credit and acknowledgment I seem to so desperately want from him...

but I love my life...I was saying that to myself the other day...I know I would not have accomplished as much if I were with him...though I hate that Dominican bitch, she is a sad broken women after the ten years she spent with him...that could've been me...

his daughters don't like/respect him...I was talking with a daughter today who said she would be happy if she never has to speak to him again...that he failed her as a father...that he favors his sons...he doesn't know MMB...doesn't know why we call her moodmagicbarbie...in a way I sure he understands MMB, being blood and all...but in reality he has not spent more than a few days with her at a time since she was two...doesn't know her friends, favorite things, her accomplishments, anxieties or moodswings...everything and everybody comes first...

so why do I feel this burning anger and hurt at hearing he is "in love" and "found the one"...I think in the abstract I want him to give me what my parents have- that true, through thick and thin kind of love...
I know of four friends who married and made a life with their babydaddys, even after going through trails and tribulations...the love was strong enough to sustain them...
would I feel differently if I had the "one" in my life?
but in reality, I don't want him, his baggage, his lies, his women and his drama..and I know he doesn't want me...but my heart still hurts...

on another note, moodmagicbarb is performing tomorrow on a yacht in a fund raiser cruise...the sun is playing too...she is in the guitar ensemble and he plays violin...as it's told chris rock and his wife and kids will be there...or just his wife and kids...I feel like shit cause I have to miss it...it's the last day of school and I have to collect papers...if I'd realized it was the same day I would have made arrangements with my class...but I spent the evening doing hair and nails...of course I will have to pay a monetary fee cause I missed it...ah, the life with MMB...