now its freaking me out...

today my class and I were discussing living in the projects...I was talking about the cheap and inferior materials the projects uses...such as cabinets, lack of bathroom tiles, inferior faucets...a student got a call...her kitchen cabinet fell off the wall in the projects and hit her son (he was well enough to call)...
if I'm lying may a bolt of lightening strike me down...(if I suddenly stop posting you know it happened)...

is it preminision or coincidence...

so I told you about my dreams...the one I didn't post was about but told my family was the one about a tornado hitting central park...an unlikely place for a tornado...to make a long involved dream short, I had to make a split decision in whether to leave a friend who was on 79th street or to to my daughters on 99th street (I was on 96th street with my mother)...woke up as the tornado was bearing on us...
well today, while surfing news stories I read that a train (not a plane) ran up on another train in China (?...too freaked out to remember...not checking the story again)and many folk were hurt and I think 40 died...and this afternoon a tornado struck Virginia...an unlikely place for a tornado...

I feel relieved...couldn't breath today...like I had asthma- but I don't, never did...

so...I don't alway dream death and destruction...quite the opposite I tend to dream good or funny things...it's just these things that stick out...

I'm in no way claiming psychic abilities...I just decided to document what I dream...if you check this blog this is the second time I posted a dream that symbolically came true...

on another note, my babyboo started school...he did really well...didn't need us in the room...he's been to my job before and ate lunch with the kids (his future classmates) so he wasn't flipped out...he knows where my office is and how to get there...choclahontas and pita hung out with him in the morning, then pita left and my girl hung out in my office...I made sure tunnytine had his noshey and blanket (socks off) and snuggled down for nap...stepped out and he was knocked out...
everyone is progressing forward...hey check out thebearmaiden to read aobut poppys accolade...

vacation is over...

I was in allergy hell for most of the vaca, but it was still nice and restful...I got a lot of car stuff done, including a much needed interior shampoo...I scotch guarded and all...
on another note...I'm dismayed, but not surprised by the Sean Bell verdict...*sigh* if it was a white man in the car I'm sure the outcome would be different...but whatever...maybe at another time I will give my full thoughts on the situation...

MMB spent a lot of time with family this vaca...fuzzy actually spent the night with me last night without bribery or a fight...

choclahontas is doing ok...my boo starts school tomorrow so we will see what she does with her time...

off to the laundry...

later I have to post on a situation that is going on with two fourteen year olds and their mothers...it's really sad...

slowly I'm coming out the other side...

...although I almost had a panic attack on the train yesterday...blew me away...havent had a panic attack since MMB was about six or seven...have no idea what brought it on...maybe cause folk around me are stressing and I picked up their vibe...hyperVbarb is slowly coming back from suddenly losing her father...

it's interesting...me and MMB were talking about death...when I was younger I was terrified of dying...not death itself, but what happens after...do you feel yourself floating, it it like sleeping...when I had my accident I guess I came pretty close to death (or when I almost drowned when I was a child...in the ocean people, in Jamaica...remember?) but it was weird...it was just nothingness...something like having major surgery...when I had my operation on my leg, which was six hours, I was awake, then I was walking up (with tubes down my throat...whew, that was NOT cute)...but we were talking about losing the parents...it's so hard to say how you will react...I've had my close peoples pass, but I know it's nothing like having your folk go...but we have such healthy and happy relationships with one another, I think we will celebrate their life...they will be missed, but I think they will always remain alive...

so my last post, coupled with weird dreams, and folks around me dropping like flies, I was pretty happy to have thwarted the panic attack...I remember when MMB was a newborn, I was going somewhere on the train and I felt it overtake me...I told the person sitting next to me that I was having a panic attack and if anything please hold the baby...they looked at me like I was crazy and changed seats as soon as they were able...now what if I was really crazy...whatever...God was on my side and I made it to my mothers house in one piece...

but I have no reason to be stressed...life is going really well...but I have this nagging feeling that something big is going to happen...I keep getting visions of tornadoes and planes falling from the air...I do know it won't affect me or mine and I do know that no one I know will die...I haven't watched the news since the Pope left, so I don't know what's been going on...I keep saying that I've been falling asleep on the news so maybe I am internalizing it...but one of the times I had this I had the accident and the other was 9/11...so needless to say I'm a bit concerned...

but moving on...thanks to my folk who made me feel a little better about myself...I am really hard on myself sometime...I do wish my butt was bigger, my eye straighter, my arms smaller...maybe I'm feeling down cause I'm hitting forty...but I always said my life was going to begin at forty...I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to enjoy life...hopefully in this decade I will marry (having never married) or at least find my soulmate...
but I do have a good life so I really can't complain...this summer I will be able to pay off some major bills, so I will be financially stable, choclahontas is settling into her grown up life and my MMB is doing WONDERFULLY...she made the honor roll for the third time in a row and got into her first pick high school...she is settling down so much I might have to change her name...I'm really proud of the teenager she has become...she is responsible, works hard in school (um, I'm lying...she does nothing...can you imagine her grades if she really put in an effort), and is working on tuning down the attitude...

so all in all I'm good...my hair curled just right today, I looked cute and got to walk...choclahontas tried to play me, but I got something for her...I took the baby so she could do laundry...I told her I was not keeping him for the night...so when I bring him back at 8:30, she's just putting clothes in the washer...with the BLOB...ugh...I told her that's fine I will take him cause he was off the hook, but she has to come get him when she's done...she curled her lip, but oh well...I spent time with him and will have him from here on out cause he's starting school at my job on monday...so I will get my tunnertime...

so that's my rant for tonite...I do feel better...hope it wasn't too twisted for you the reader (if I actually have readers-which I don't care one way or another)...

ugh, I'm having a moment...

I'm feeling quite ugly today...actually I've been feeling this way for a minute...
my hair is acting weird...I gained five to ten pounds in the span of about 3 weeks...and I'm tired of big boobs (which gotta weigh about 20 pounds each)...
so with the warm weather, I'm going to walk again...can't seem to get to the gym (not that I lost weight there anyway)...

now I generally like the way I look, but I can't seem to shake this weight...I started eating bread albeit whole grain or organic...but that really doesn't make a difference...haven't been eating too much red meat...with the new spaces in my teeth the dentist created, I just don't feel like picking my teeth after each meal...
I hate the way I look in pictures...they never do me justice...and my arms...lifted too much weight when I was younger and we know what happens when you don't keep it up...still strong as an ox, but the muscle relaxed, and to me that's not a good look...

I swear I need a gastric bypass...however I'm not as heavy as I was in the past, and for the most part the weight I've lost has stayed off...
I'm not looking for a magic pill, but just a good combination that works...

but I still wear a size 8 pants (and they are not tight), and a medium in shirts...maybe its just that I'm tired...I tend to swell when I'm tired...but it's almost time for my yearly physical, maybe this year someone will have an answer...last year we thought the thyroid, but no, I'm healthy as an ox...THANK GOD...

so I'm not going to complain cause I am healthy...I'ma put on my authentic prada shoes I scored for 30.00, my citizen jeans I scored for 5.00, my cutest cleavage shirt (cause I'm on vaca) and go enjoy NYC and the beautiful weather...

I do have to go to work tomorrow cause folks don't know how to do their jobs...but I will always pick up the pieces cause my boss looks out for me big time...

it's been a while

I know...but a lot has happened...
hypervigilantbarb suddenly lost her dad...my friend/coworker's babydaddysmama is dying...moodmagicbarb is being 13...and chocolahontas is being 21...folks at work are not doing their job...a little boy disclosed his brother is "touching" him and ACS does not seem to think its an issue cause the brother is under 18 (really, I tell you no lie)...
BUT I'M ON VACATION...
so I'm going to take a few days to debrief, then I will get back to you...

but first, I got a big kick out of the Pope...I'm not catholic, but he's a cute old man...reminds me of grandpa...

but nothing was better than seeing and making eye contact with the Dami Lama on two separate chance occasions...once I was leaving the train as he was getting on (with his totally uncomfortable entourage), we passed on the steps and he look right at me, making eye contact (he in his gold and purple wrap attire...and the joke is not one NYer took a second glance)...the second time (I think a year or so later) I passed him on 56th street (again with his very uncomfortable entourage) and again he looked right at me and locked eyes...what a peaceful and cute old man he is...

but I watched the Popes homily...it was interesting to see a man who lives such a scripted life...everything was planned to the minute...I wonder, does he shit on schedule too? (no disrespect, just wondered)...

i'm going to be totally superficial for a moment...

I want a Louis Vutton or Gucci bag...I will totally, and much rather, buy one second/third hand (even if it needs repairs)...
when I was younger grandma would give us all hers...at the time I had no idea what it was worth and gave them away when I got tired of them...dumb...but I've never been one for material possession...
but I'm on my cute grown professional look and this would complete my look...I'm incorporating grown and sexy with the jr's. dept...
but, I'm not gonna spend hundreds of dollars...I'm a thrift store junkie...I bought choclahontas REAL Gucci shoes, and scored a pair of Pradas for myself for under 100.00 (for both)...
now back to work...and help a sister out...go in the local thrift store and see what they got...thanks...

why I don't like folks...

don't ask for an opinion if you really don't want it...I believe there are two types of folk...one who asks because they are interested in what folks say, and who incorporates all opinions thus making a well informed decision with less risk of failure...and those who ask but don't really want an answer cause they are gonna do whatever they want anyway...those folk feel they know it all, and just want folks to co-sign to make themselves feel better...
so you know what I do with the latter? I cut them off and wish them the best in all their endeavors...

I also don't like folk who cut off their nose to spite their face...you know you're making a wrong decision, folks are telling you you're making a wrong decision, but yet you proceed with whatever it is you're doing...you know what I say to folk like that? see ya, don't wanna be ya...

I don't like folk who use you for what you're good for and what/who you know, and try to get it for free, then throw you out with the bath water when they are done...you know what I say to folk like that? hahaha, that's why I didn't give you all or the best...you gotta earn that...

I don't like folk who climb up on their high horse and/or contradict themselves...just be true boo...folk will accept you for you, not for the fake front you're putting up cause when you get found out you'll be sitting on air, and we all know what the next step is...hitting the ground HARD...

now this one is strange, and don't take it at face value...think hard about this one before you attempt to pass judgment...sometimes a little bit, or too much, knowledge is a bad thing...I say this because I have found folks with a little bit of knowledge talk a big game, but don't have the knowledge to back it up...and those with too much knowledge forget the human aspect...its all about numbers and research and statistics...they forget that it takes a village, and at the end of the day you need folk to make you successful cause the brown nosers never challenge and thus perpetuate the bad idea...which snowballs into disaster...

I support all who try...I support humble folk...but don't ask my opinion if you really don't want it cause I will always tell you the truth...