quickly....

....cause it's WAY past my bedtime...
I had a BEAUTIFUL day...I had to go to the region for IEP meetings today...I wasn't going to drive my car, but it was COLD, and I DON'T do the cold...so I drove...
while on the FDR I heard Ice Cube (my first true love...lol) sing the song "today was a good day"...not sure if that was the title, but you know the song, done to the Isley brothers tune...anywho, while driving I prayed that I would find parking on the right side of the street cause I have no one to move my car...I found parking as soon as I got off the highway...YES...
I got to the region on time cause after I parked I caught the bus WHICH WAS RIGHT THERE...again, YES...all the parents showed up or were conference called...a huge plus...talked to my regional lady who said I would do good working in CSE and she would put in a good word for me...
my phone has been in the shop for the last freakin month, and I decided since I was walking I would go see what was up and raise some NY hell...well...my phone was not able to be repaired so they junked it, and in it's place I got a BRAND NEW RED PALM CENTRO...and I didn't have to pay a dime...OH YES...
met up with MMB who was a little crunchy, but while in route I got a text...CHOCLAHONTAS GOT THE APT AND THE LEASE SIGNING IS TOMORROW AT 3:45...DOUBLE TRIPLE YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! (thanks for all the prayers)...
I'm going to a seminar tomorrow at 8 a.m. and really didn't want to drive...there is NOWHERE to park downtown and I will get towed, but parking around here sucks...got to the block and not only was there parking in front of my house but it was on the RIGHT SIDE OF THE STREET!!!!
I was able to sync my phone without pulling out my hair and MMB's mood brightened like the sun coming out from behind a rain cloud...
Thank you God for such blessings...

in my quest to become more educated

I'm attempting to read three new blogs a day...
personally I think computers are boring and when I log on I check my email, myspace page (sometimes, cause no one writes me...maybe cause I only have 32 friends), my bank (to make sure my money didn't disappear, all three dollars I got in there), my child support (to see if by magic the arrears appears in my account), bearmaiden (a few times), fatlady (women, you must write more) and now rawdawg (he has so much shit on his page I gotta visit a few times...I get really overwhelmed very quickly...sorry dude)...but from each site I'm attempting to visit their friends sites to read what other folks have to say...

some folks are boring (I'm sure folks say that about my rantings), but some make a good point...now I don't know how to blog roll or roll blog or whatever the hell you call it in blogworld, and damn sure don't know how to add an active link to my page (bearmaiden, after you finish my taxes- which are a month late I might add- can you help me? maybe we can get it done before SUMMER)...and I already forgot who the hell I read (although I left a comment) but they made a good point about watching television...
poppabear, a certified genius, watches TV ALL FREAKIN DAY...ask bigbear...it drives her NUTS...I can tell his mood by what he's watching when I come over...but his life revolves around the soaps...got it from his grandma...uh, poppy, Nana Jessie's been dead about FORTY YEARS...bigbear feels if he would just turn off the TV he would be productive or at least advocate for himself and make some damn money ("we have enough" he says as he looks at you over his glasses while shaking his head)... but no, it appears to us that TV just saps his motivation...thank God for dialysis...he only misses his soaps two days a week when he's forced to go to work (just kidding poppy...we know you love work)...he says TV gives him motivation, story lines...

moodmagicbarb inherited the TV watching gene...when she was little, it was straight to TV land as soon as we entered the house...I can see her now, squatting on the couch either naked or in her bathing suit (even in the dead of winter) and her red paddington bear rain boots (yes, even when she was naked...I think I mentioned before my kid is WEIRD)...love ya too boo...by the time she was eight I found out she actually read the credits (weird, weird, weird)and would mention casually "oh, they did the music for rugrats too" or "hey, that person does the voice of 'whoever' on the show 'whatever'"...I stopped doubting her when she told me this, but I realized that she watched entirely TOO much TV...

but TV was easy, while I dealt with choclahontas, who ALWAYS had a drama of some sort, I know MMB was ok...cause as long as the TV was on she did not move...but I now realize, as MMB points out to me generally during one of her nastiest moodymoods, that I neglected her...that she was forgotten...it wasn't that she was forgotten, she was just safe and quiet...dealing with the diva, the idiot and all his nine hundred relatives that kept trying to invade my home, I just didn't have the energy to deal with a very strange toddler...now don't get it twisted, MMB got her time...only I could hold her, talk to her, look at her "mama, her eyeballs are looking at me...DON'T LAUGH...DON'T BREATH" she would shriek to who ever was in her space...or looking her way...she slept with me until she was almost ten and I realized the ONLY way I was going to get her out my bed was by sleeping in a twin size bed...

as I mentioned in my comment on someone's page, when I do social histories I ask the families how much TV does your toddler watch...the average answer is four to six hours a day...I have parents tell me proudly that their child will watch TV all day..."they know how to turn it on, off, put in movies, order movies on pay for view"...that's nice lady, but your kid is five and still in pampers and can't put together a three word sentence...
I once read an article that suggested that the rise in autism is directly linked to children's television viewing...the article was discredited and has disappeared (stupid me didn't think to save it)...I agree (of course barring biological and neurological defects)...in my work I see a strong correlation between the amount of TV a child watches and the severity of the child's delay...TV is one dimensional...no matter how they "improve" TV- HD, plasma, I can see every freakin blade of grass during the superbowl...a TV can't talk back, it can't correct a child when they pronounce a word, or help a child understand a concept...and it damn sure won't potty train your child...it's very hard for a child to model or immolate facial expressions or body language from a screen with blinking lights..."my child only watches educational shows" I hear...yeah, but did it actually help your child developmentally? I think not cause your here asking me to "fix" your child...

with MMB, even though she watched a lot of TV, there was a healthy balance with real life...she went to the park, she engaged in imaginative and reciprocal play with me, her nana and her umpteen siblings, and for the most part I watched TV with her and we interacted during the shows...

anything in excess is bad...but I think the day they released TV to the general public was the day society began to fall apart...and now with VIDEOGAMES...its a wrap...but that's another post...

I'm tired...

...but I'm on the computer cause choclahontas has the whirlwind in the tub...pray folks that the apt comes through-for me...I need the apt to come through...he broke a candle holder and picture frame because he's tired and manic...I love the diva but she moves a little slow...or maybe I just move too fast...

Moodmagicbarbie was in a moodymood these last few days...I don't tolerate the bullshit, but on the other hand I'm not going to argue with you because you're choosing to be an ass...
she wants to go to boarding school (of which I can't afford) or move out of state (of which I wont do because I'm just getting established and I would have to transfer all my licenses)so I found a academic sleep away summer school in Maine...so for 1,100 I can satisfy her urge to get away and I can have freedom for two weeks...NO DIVA/CHOCLAHONTAS, NO WHIRLWIND AND NO ANYTHING THAT RESEMBLES RESPONSIBILITY....maybe I will take a flight somewhere for a weekend, go dancing every night or just lock my door and chill naked under the fan with a frozen corona...ummm I like the last option the best...(MA, the visuals...UGH)

speaking of asses, since the day I moved in the lady down stairs has been a ass...when whirlwind was doing his thing at one in the afternoon she complained to management...when we walked normally in our apt at seven, she rang the bell and complained...whirlwind was having a manic moment and the bitch has been banging on the radiators for the last ten minutes...GET A LIFE BITCH...ok, I feel better now...

most importantly the possibility of me losing my job is becoming more real everyday...my normally overworked but optimistic supervisor told me today "it really doesn't look good" "I figured that already, but I was keeping it under my hat" I replied...but bad things happen for a good reason...I updated my info for the DOE, where I realize I can make 20,000 more than I'm making now for less working days (I get the full summer off)...ok, gold diggers, don't start wanting to be my friend...I didn't like you before and I'm still not gonna like you now...but hey, more shoes...cool...oh, and I can help bearmaiden stay at home by hiring her to do something...

so now MMB is in the tub and whirlwind is in my bed where he will sleep in the dead middle...why do I wake up half off of a full size bed with the gremlin spread eagle in the middle? please pray for me...please...apt, apt, apt...

folks annoy the living shit out of me...

before I went on vacation I asked my co-worker, who did not take vacation, to do certain things...maybe four things tops...she had a week...do you think she did it? HELL FUCKEN NO...now let me clarify...this bitch does nothing...she gets paid to file the daily notes and make copies...she's supposed to take packages to the region, supposed to back me up with paper work, supposed to make sure the medicals are up to date...but no...she comes in on time, takes an hour or more break to go play with her grandson, and reads catalogs and leaves early...don't ask her to do something more than once cause she will get an attitude and if you persist she will curse your ass out...
don't get me wrong, I love her as a friend, but she is a sucky co-worker...but she's been there for a LONG time...
I don't understand folk...if you have an easy job, DO IT...and do it in a timely fashion...I play on the computer, but after I've seen my kids and written whatever needs to be written...I see/talk with parents/bus company/director...I do social histories/put together eval packets and travel between two sites and attend IEP meetings...can you at least take the fucken packages to the region? file the fucken notes on a daily/weekly basis? I will find the notes all over the place...if we get audited not only will she lose her job, but we will lose ours...
and speaking of...the blobby waste of a human being teacher was fired...seems she was banned for life for teaching special education and "forgot" to tell the director...she was found out recently after um, two years...now she told me, and I brought it to the attention of the clinical director and head social worker (you know they made a big deal of me "following" the chain of command) and they didn't DO ANYTHING...so now with no head teacher, and no steps being made to hire a head teacher, the classroom can be closed...that means I will be jobless...in september if a job comes up with the board of ed I'm taking it...either that or I will go back to school...
I was thinking of getting a PhD or a second masters...I have to figure out which will excite me more...

afterthought...

...it amuses the hell out of me to check blogs frequently to see the comments as they pop up...I often wonder why folks are on the computer at whatever time and what is on their mind that prompted them to respond the way they did...
I'm generally on the computer as I wait...wait to leave...wait while the food is cooking...waiting to leave work...
I also love to watch highways...in my old apt I lived facing the highway...its cool to watch the cars and wonder where they are going and where they came from...did they travel a great distance or just got on...

hopefully choclahontas is moving...

...we viewed an apt in my historical complex and she likes it...papabear will put the apt in his name, so if everything goes through she will be in by march 1st...thank God...
I love her but she makes me tired and her shit expands...actually explodes like a bag of flour...

idiot actually came and got MMB to "take her shopping"...she will come back with a pair of sneakers that she won't wear, but at lest he's making an effort...ok, I'm joking because he hasn't seen her since thanksgiving, and he's up here every weekend and vacation...and he stays about 20 minutes away...whatever...she was excited...didn't go to sleep and was dressed by 8...unheard of even on a school morning...he showed up around 4...personally I didn't think he would come, he has a habit of saying "I called your phone and didn't get an answer so I left"...
but I'm glad she got to spend time...I wish he was a better father...
she wants to go to boarding school and I wish I had the option of saying hey, go spend the semester at your dads and go to school there...but no, he has a house-full...every one scrambling for time/space/money/a ride (cause he lives in the boondocks)...one son just got sent there for selling drugs/gang violence...the other just got off house arrest, and a boy that lives there is in jail (or out on bail) for assaulting his teacher...the three don't attend school for one reason or another...oh yeah, he is a teacher and so is the women he lives with...and his girlfriend is a teacher too...whew...

I wish the girls could have had a father like I had...crazy as he is/was...he was/is our rock...but God does bad things for good reasons, I just haven't figured out this reason yet...by this point they are grown/almost grown and I don't know if they would accept someone "playing" daddy...I won't have any more children in part because what if the baby's daddy is great...I would be so hurt if they had feelings toward the baby for having a daddy that cares...

but on the bright side they have me 100%...and I'm a damn good parent if I say so myself...not perfect, but damn good...

so I'm waiting to go out...we are going to celebrate bearmaidens birthday at a sushi place...I don't like sushi but I hear the drinks are cool...then hopefully we will go dancing...I love to dance...once I'm there I hit the dance floor and dance till they turn on the lights...

enough of the heavy shit. for now..

...I had a wonderful vacation and I got to hang out with my pookatoo...he is the funniest baby since choclahontas...actually he looks and acts just like her at two...he talks so well now and all the time...when choclahontas was little we called her radio(choclahontas), and he's inherited that gene...but that is one independent baby, when he wants his "cwakers" or "booberries" he goes in the fridge and gets them himself...
I love when he comes up to me with the kiss face and wraps his arms around me and says "I lovesh you muma"...when choclahontas is over, my baby sleeps with me...when he wakes up in the morning he's all smiles showing all his teeth..."goo mornin muma...how you doing? you OK? I want waffles muma...now muma...lets go muma"...as I write he took off his pamper and peed on the floor..."mama, I no peepee pamper"...that's lovely hon, but you got to do it in the toilet *sigh*...
my grandson is also a picky eater...he will try anything once, and if he doesn't like it he will spit it out and say "it nashy muma...yuck, phew"...but when he likes something he eats a lot...like two waffles, a yogurt, "pinapples" and "cwakers"...that's breakfast...but he's sooo hyper that he is nowhere near heavy...

today I made some slamming fried whiting...not for nothing I am a really good cook and I love to cook...I don't have food issues, and I've lost thirty pounds in the last year by eating...yes, eating...and living a stress free life...I eat healthy food, and found out I can't do any dairy, which includes eggs...
I was shopping today and I now wear a size six to eight...I remember when I was in grad school, working and stressed out with the idiot, I wore a size fourteen...when I hit a size sixteen I knew I had to do something...I didn't weigh myself but my five'three ass must have been FAT!
I love me now...I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be slim and petite...but as long as I'm not sloppy with backfat and rolls, I'm good...I'm a big healthy chick with man arms...lol...I can lift fifty to eighty pounds easy in the gym, I can hold whirlwind when he sleeps and we forgot the stroller, I can move my apartment by myself, and I look good in a dress...
so I eat healthy, I buy organic when I can afford it...but wait, I have a question...why is it in Wholefood supermarket where everything is supposed to be healthy they have a HUGE selection of sweet baked goods and beer? and why is it in the hood supermarket I can't find a vegetable or any other meat besides pork (which I don't eat)...no wonder folks aren't healthy...

anywho...I have a houseful with choclahontas, pita (who I'm actually glad is around, and whirlwind LOVES being with his "mama and dada"..."itsht dada muma...kisht dada muma...dada go byebye...goesht to worksht") and moodmagicbarbie who got glasses and is pretty blind, but is relaxed cause she can see...hey I got some A/X glasses that are really cool...

so I'm sitting with my feet up...surfing the waves of communication...drinking a beer and listening to the sounds of my happy family...I swear I couldn't ask for more...

inappropriate play

I do play therapy with my littlies where I teach them to play...to develop and expand their play vocabulary in a safe container so they can learn how to organize and express their thoughts and feelings with or without words...

I have been in situations (like on the bus or train) where I have noticed that our adolescents of color play inappropriately and don't know when to stop playing...I also have observed that they are totally unaware of their surroundings...but that goes across the board with all teenagers...

but I bring this up because my darling Moodmagicbarbie and her best friend where playing while MMB slept over at her friends house...I'm not sure where mama was, but my kid and her friend where playing with hot forks (we really don't know why)...MMB accidentally burned her friends hand and being the fair person she is told her friend that she could burn her hand...but my child ended up with a really bad burn on her hand with the fork clearly outlined...at no point could either child say "uh, this is not a good game"...I am disappointed in MMB's judgment but she is not only to blame...mama treated the burn, and has yet to call me (I know her and I know she feels bad, but still)...

but this poses a dilemma for me, a women of color living in the hood- educated or not...if I take her to a hospital, or to the Dr's office and saw another Dr. besides her pediatrician, there is a good chance that child protective services will be called on me...now I have nothing to hide, so I really don't care, and it would be unfounded so therefore not affect my license...however with the system the way it is, and the fact that the decision to open a case is based on one persons opinion is scary as it could spin rapidly out of control...

I am all for child protective services, and I commend them for doing their job when they do it right, but they do not protect those that they should, and nitpick those that are honest and doing the right thing...I don't know if any of you know the case of Nixzmary Brown but the system failed her terribly...in another case a man was awarded joint custody of his fourteen year old daughter years after he attempted a murder suicide with her and her younger brother...he killed her last week and stuffed her in the boiler...in todays' news they say she was pregnant possibly with her daddys' child...

so who is to say that the system will treat me fairly...again, I'm not worried about me because never in my years of working/raising/being with children have I ever had an issue or accusation of abuse or neglect...once I had a run-in with CPS when a male babysitter was accused of having an inappropriate dealings with a young teen in my building (really long story, and it was unfounded)...but the sad truth is, as determined in my child advocacy class, that the majority of the 22 students I have had a run in with CPS at one time or another...

barring real abuse, which is horrible, and based solely on first hand accounts of those I have had discussions with, the major reason for a call being placed is inappropriate play...play between sibling, parents, parents and child, etc...play that gets out of hand...play where someone ends up hurt...we, as a people, are often honest but lack the vocabulary to express what happened...i have observed while folks recount what happened they leave out key details that only come out with my exploration...

but play...last weekend in the NY Times there was an article on play where they explored whether play is important and/or beneficial...the basic conclusion that I could came to was that the "professionals" felt play was important, but they really could not detect where/how it benefited the child...so therefore, in my opinion, they discounted the importance of play...they shared it could possibly help develop the cerebellum in the brain, or possible help with ADHD, or just teach the child to play better, so the child could really do without play...they spoke of a study where two groups of young children are given three sticks...one group is taught how to play with two sticks and the other group is just left to free-play...the children are then asked to lay end to end three sticks instead of two...the group who free-played were able to, rather quickly, line up the sticks whereas the other group basically couldn't do it...in the end the results were discounted because the testers felt that they gave the free-play group too much information and thus polluted the testing...no idiots...the free-play group was able to use their imagination and envision how they could solve the dilemma...

but children will play...and they need to play...but if not taught/nurtured /guided to play safely and productively accidents, nasty accidents, occur...affecting and changing lives forever...bigbear has a native friend whose children where playing outside unattended...the little girl got hung over a fence with a jumprope and became a paraplegic...

as I sit on the floor and play with my little ones, I'm always struck that they can't play...they have no imagination...I wonder what lies in their future...a future with no daydreams...daydreams that can become goals...

so I explained to MMB about inappropriate play and told her I pray to God that her game doesn't blow up in her face and change her life forever...but thank goodness I have a smart child who got the lesson...but even with this incident I will never thwart her urge to play...

a stupid quiz, but I love them...

I'm a Mazda Miata!

You like to soak up the sun, but your tastes are down to earth. Everyone thinks you're cute. Life is a winding road, and you like to take the curves in stride. Let other people compete in the rat race - you're just here to enjoy the ride.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

yes, this is really me....

the theory of "bone and disown"...the women's prespective

I will start with my experience and move on to my hypothesis of this phenomenon...
I am making a really long story short, I'm basically giving you an overview...I am also not addressing when women "bone and disown" because they do it too...this gentleman is the end result of your behavior and how it affects women and why they become angry and distrustful...

there was this dude in my neighborhood that always tried to holler at me...I really paid him no attention because he was a "playa"...years went by and I had a serious accident...I was feeling particularly ugly due to the cast from toe to upper thigh and the shaved section of my head that sported nine stitches...this person saw me in my weak state and pounced...made me feel beautiful..."don't worry about the cast and the scars, you're beautiful...lets fuck"...but when the casts came off the drama began...me having low self esteem, and being lonely, went along...also being so wrapped up in the psychological and physical healing of me and choclahontas that I didn't pay attention to the little/big glaring signs in the beginning that signified that all was NOT as it seemed...

for starters, I only went to his house a few invited times...I was told that I didn't need to call the house cause "you know, I'm never there..." so I beeped him when I wanted to talk, but didn't always get a response "oh, sorry babe, I didn't get the beep"...the weekends when all was quiet "I had to run errands for my mother"...when do I get to meet your mother? "well...excuse, excuse, excuse, blah blah blah"...

I found out a few months later he had a newborn daughter...I knew about the first daughter..."oh, babymama has no where to go so shes staying with me with the baby...but I didn't want to tell you because I knew you would see it another way and not believe we are not together...blah blah blah"...
so many nasty phone calls from babymama and a smashed windshield later I get "please don't leave...I love you, I created this monster and I have to put it too rest...just give me time and stay by my side"...so I did...and began to raise the two girls along with my choclahontas...
when babymama told me she was pregnant again, he swore it wasn't his, even when the baby was named for him. ("I don't want to look bad to my family...you understand right? look, I'm with you...I live with you")..after time I was raising all three...but I was never accepted by the family...never acknowledged as the "wife"...legal marriage was out of the question...
so time went on...we were a happy family...but once in a while, I would get the phone call "your fucking my man" or "I'm fucking your man"...I would address it in the beginning and always got "reassured"..."she just wants me" "folks are jealous because they want to be in your position" "your special to be living with me"...
so life went on...but he was never home on the weekends...we never went out...we never went to family functions together, his or mine...but I always had the kids, and having the kids I didn't have time to pay attention...it got to the point where I knew if he wasn't "home" by ten he wasn't coming...his family covered for him...my beeps went unanswered...

when I did see him I was angry...angry to be left in the house with the kids (I was pregnant with MMB by this point and cared for choclahontas, his three biological, the sibling of two bio's, a niece and a cousin) I was left to do laundry, cook, clean and everything else by myself...I was fat, didn't have time to do hair, eyebrows and wore sweats and tee-shirts...I was ugly...and he made me feel ugly...I never got a thank you, or even acknowledgment for being the caretaker of his children and taking care of the house...
so when he came home I was angry...nagging...whining...trying to get my non-verbal, non-confrontational self together to express all that had built up over the days/weeks/months...I knew I only had a few minutes to say the important stuff because after the shower he was out...I resented that he was out living a life...spending his money and mine on dates with women, expensive clothes and shoes..."you see, that's why I don't want to be around your ass"...once in a while we would go out, but I would be dumped off early, I rarely got a new outfit and when I did, when he "thought" of me it was jeans that didn't fit, twenty dollar converse and a boy tee-shirt..."I gotta meet my man John, Dick, Harry"..."just go out then" he would reply when I asked for a date...that sounds good boo, but who's gonna watch the kids? "choclahontas" uh, she's nine with ADHD...she can't focus on herself, much less younger kids and a newborn...

the phone calls continued...notes fell out of his pockets when I washed the five giant garbage bags of clothes with the kids and a newborn by myself...but I was crazy...didn't know what I was talking about...they just want me...

I figured that by being a virtuous women and loving unconditionally the relationship would grow...he would grow...if I gave him space to sow his wild oats he would come through the other side and see and appreciate what he had...
hindsight is twenty/twenty...you have to realize that due to his family/friends covering for him I found out a lot of stuff later...

the breaking point came when I found out he had a son exactly eleven months to the day younger than MMB...found out quite by accident when the baby was three months old...seems he had a family, lived there with keys and clothes...both women never knowing the difference...I packed his shit...dropped it on the curb in front of his sisters building and have been rebuilding my life ever since...the last thirteen years...
yes, we went back and forth, even getting back together once in while...but it never lasted more than a few months...I was reminded of why I left him in the first place...the calls taken in bathroom...the nights of not coming home "I stayed with my sister"...even if he was telling the truth he had no credibility...finding out he actually moved in with the third one...

As long as his "secret" has been out I've never known him to be in less than three relationships at one time...the women don't know the difference...they believe he is "busy" with basketball, his kids, teaching etc...even when he was with me, I found out later that he always had two or more "women"...each of us believing we are the only ones...he has six biological kids with five babymamas that we know of...

this life has proven hard for his other children, especially the girls...they were encouraged to lie, to their mother (with some of whom he was still fucking to keep in "pocket" to avoid having to pay child support), each other, the other women...his issue with me confronting/addressing/not letting go of his bullshit and demanding an apology has resulted in him not being there for my girls...he couldn't buy their silence...the girls are now in their teens and they are a wreak...they have issues with sex/boys/relationships, they are searching for love and have found themselves in exactly the same position as daddy's girlfriends...the boys are him reincarnated...one son was recently on house arrest for videotaping a girl giving him a blowjob on his cell phone and sharing the video with friends...he's fourteen...

I once asked him why does he have sex with so many women...his reply "I guess I just love women"...I said how is that possible when every women you've been with you have destroyed emotionally? and it's not like he didn't have good women...the lucky ones, and I count myself as one, went on to have productive lives..but I admit I have serious issues with men...I'm not jealous or possessive, but as in the incident with sexy, have major issues when I'm dismissed, not acknowledged and lied too...I have not spoken to "idiot" in over a year...we have gone as long as two years without saying a word to each other...

It is my hypothesis that men who "bone and disown" in fact don't love women...yes, they love their mamas, grandma, sisters and aunts...but they have a fundamental hatred for women...they lie to cover their own inadequacies...most men who "bone and disown" are in the end poor lovers...they never cultivate the relationship and give of themselves...they never learn their partners bodies...enjoying every inch...forepay? out of the question...they have to hold back...can't spend too much time on one because they're so many other fish in the ocean...fear that they might call out the wrong name in the heat of the moment...so they fuck each and every chick to prove to themselves that they are good lovers, or maybe that they are not gay...they pine for real love, but never put in what is required to earn real love...they leave in their wake a stream of women who look at them with hatred and distrust...but as one dude told me "you see, all you black women are the same...always putting a brother down" um, I wonder why...

I could go back to slavery, to the civil rights movement when black men were fighting for freedom and equality in the streets but couldn't be seen in their own home for fear that their presence would make their mama/wife/kids lose the much needed benefits...they were made to feel worthless in their own homes...we could talk about generations of men who are never taught to stand up and be a man, and care and love for the women around him...we could take about the "me" generation...instant self-satisfaction and gratification...the "plastic and untouchable" women...but why? I say that's taking the responsibility away from the individual...it can be used as an excuse, a crutch...

men, you say you want a relationship? you want love? that means saying "babe, where I am weak, you are strong, and where you fall, I will be there to pick you up and carry you on my shoulders...I love every inch, curve and fold of your body because I know that you love every inch, curve and fold of mine"...the test for me is I ask myself if I was in a terrible accident again and couldn't walk, would this brother remain by my side? because I know I would remain by his...
but I'm beginning to believe, as bearmaiden says, it all boils down to "the dick" and great sex...if this is true great sex only comes with knowing...knowing that you can give your heart and it won't get broken, knowing that when you argue, it will be resolved even if you agree to disagree, knowing that at the end of the day she will be there when you open the door...but when you "bone and disown" you will NEVER know...NEVER know true love...NEVER know or find your soul mate...cause when you get greedy you end up with NOTHING!!!!!

choclahontas will be ok...

I made her read my open letter (she told me she generally doesn't read my blog) and stormed off, but she internalized it...but after that we had a wonderful day- her, moodmagicbarbie (who was on the good side as long as we fed her)and myself...we walked all over Harlem and ended up with me getting my hair braided (now I really look 10)...MMB got a manicure so she was happy...

later in the evening, her and I and my best friend hypervigilantbarbie went to a Spanish restaurant/bar that you have to be 21 to get into...they give free salsa lessons and choclahontas hooked up with a true NY character...this older man dances salsa in the subway with a blow-up doll...he is so awesome that you don' even realize that his "partner" is fake (I was trying to find video on utube...if I find it I will attach it to this post later)...so as they gave the lesson, he attached himself to her...now he wasn't attempting to get a rap, or got touchy-feely...but man, he gave her a five-hundred dollar lesson in the middle of the club for free...

choclahontas is a trained dancer...when she really dances and believes in her piece and gets inside herself she can make you cry (like when bearmaiden sings...wow...her voice is awesome...but she refused to sing pop or buttshaker music so she never got her career off the ground)...that kid can MOVE...she can do things with her body that I only wish I could do...when she dances, I just stop and watch...in the span of an hour, this guy had her twirling and he lifted her high in the air...folks were stopping to watch (plus she had on some FIERCE thigh-high boots)...guys were fighting to dance with her...they came to me and hypervigilantbarb and said "he's fake...he cant dance...I'm the better dancer"...we were on the floor laughing...

but choclahontas got to see the real me...I don't compete so when we are at home, or at a house party, i don't really dance, that's her thing...but in the club, with a margarita (or two, or six) under my belt it's on...as I danced "house" with a dude who tried to freak me, I could hear her say "go mommy, go mommy"...she was so proud and had a new respect...I guess I'm not that old and boring after all huh...lol...the guys were laughing and saying "that's your mother?"...it was funny, she had on boots, a nice shirt and expensive jeans and I had on sneakers, jeans and a matching t-shirt...

we had fun...it was soo cool to hang with my kid...I've been waiting a long time to take her to the club...not to drink with my kid cause that's real ghetto, but to dance and just have fun...so next week as the birthday month continues with hypervigilants birthday coming up on sat (choclahontas was the 3rd, bearmaiden is the 18th) we are going out again...

to expose my baby to something else, a new "grown-up" crowd, was priceless...she made the comment in the car coming home that she liked that so much better than the hood clubs, even the ones that are down town, where the guys have no respect and the bouncers do nothing (a group got kicked out because the a guy touched a girl)...she said that it was cool to be in such a nice environment...

this morning she had to sit with whirlwind at pita's house, but before she left she looked behind herself and made the bed and put her stuff neatly in the corner...I have faith that once we past this rough patch she will be ok...

open letter to choclahontas...

my dear sweet choclahontas...I don't know if you read my blog, but I hope you do because I am going to lay all the issues out...

I love you very much and nothing will ever change that...you made me mommy...you were my partner, roll-dog, and roommate long before MMB was born...she did not, and never will, replace you...but you are growing up...you are now a mother yourself and you need to take control of your life and future...you talk a mean game but I see little to no action and consistency...

first off, I don't like theblob...I'm sure he's a nice person, but he does nothing for you but suck the life out of you...he can't help you find an apt, he can't support you and the way I see it he is just driving a wedge between you and your family...but I won't make you choose cause great-grandma did that and you see where bigbear ended up (thank God it worked out for her)...

you say that I dump things on you when I see you, and I do because I see you on the run and you always have theblob with you...you say we don't spend time and we don't...because theblob is alway there, doing little irritating shit to get your attention, or put the attention on him (the fake headaches, the sitting in the bathroom moping...I just want to slap the shit out of him)...you use him as a shield...a shield to protect you from growing up and facing the truth of life...you have passed up opportunities where you and I, and you, me and MMB could have spent quality time together...with and without whirlwind...we didn't go out tonite because I was not taking out theblob and what, was he gonna sit on the steps until we came back?

I am not turning my back on you or throwing you away as I'm sure you feel...I'm not even turning my back to you, but babe you have to take hold of your life...you have to make decisions but most importantly you have to take action...yes you have ADHD, but you can't use that as a crutch or an excuse to stay stagnant...look behind yourself...use the tools available to you to make your life more organized...
many people are not dealing with you because of your flakiness...you miss appointments, blow folks off with no notice, and change plans at the last moment...

I am not your social worker, and I resent when I tell you things and you throw that in my face...I am your mother and these are things that as your mother I have to tell you...i really don't like being the one to tell you these things but it's my job...I resent when your rude...you say you're not disrespectful, but you are...it's depressing that I was chilling out with my candles and watching a movie? you said because you USED to light candles but now you can't...hon, you can have it too, but it's not going to fall in your lap...you have to fight for it, work for it...I am where I am today after MANY years of hard work and struggling...you have a family that supports you...a nana who bends over backwards for you...we all see your potential, but personally I am really tired of not seeing action or progress...

you throw sexy in my face...but you must realize that once I peeped the game, and was finished using him for what I needed him to do, his shit was packed and he was out the door within weeks...I also did that partly because you and MMB pitched such a bitch about him being here...

I know that you have to learn on your own...but you have a child and I wish you would take a little of what I have to offer to make your life, and most importantly, whirlwinds life, a little easier...

reach for the stars, but remember you have to take the baby steps first...I am going to leave you alone, because you have to figure this out on your own...I'm not going to bail you out...as much as it breaks my heart...I can't, because you will never learn otherwise...

I have more to say, but my thoughts are not flowing...I know you love me and I love you too, and I will support you when I see you start taking the initiative and begin the process of making moves...

peace, progress and much much love...
mommy

the pressures on...

...I was blog rolled by someone (or something to that extent)...bearmaiden said "you better start writing" or something like that...whatever...I write when I feel like it and about whatever I feel like...sometimes I write everyday...sometimes I don't write for weeks...I don't think my life is really that interesting to others and sometimes I even get bored with my own life...
I will never have anything witty or profound to say about politics, I don't care about world issues (although sometimes I will follow certain stories) and I am not computer literate enough to jazz up my page...I can't even add/paste an active link...
so folks...welcome to my world and enjoy...

so now back to real life...

I really love choclahontas...I really do...she is doing a wonderful job with what she has to work with but the bitch needs to get an apt...I really have issues with folks sleeping on my couch...my grandfather used to say "guests are like fish, after three days they start stinking"...yes grandpa, even your own kids...
I feel like the mother dog when she's ready to wean her pups and they keep hanging on to the teats...she walks around looking stressed with the pup hanging on for dear life...that's me...babe, you got your own pup hanging on...please get off my boob...
then on the other hand, moodmagicbarb tells me on a daily basis that she wants to go to boarding school...to get away from me and NY...I told her fine, but I can't pay for it, go live with your father in VA and go to school there...but no, that's not an option cause he's chaotic and cheap...not a good combination...

so currently I'm stuck with one hanging on the boob, the other trying to escape the box (remember back in the day when we kept the puppies in a high box so they couldn't get out and destroy your house? then when they could get out you knew it was time to give them away) and the Tasmanian devil leaving shredded "noshey" (tissue) all over the house...

Im on vacation next week, and I'm clearing them ALL out...but we all know that won't happen...

life is coming together...

...and it feels good...I got my candles burning and I'm super relaxed cause it smells so damn good in here!!!!!...

MMB is in a moody mood, but even she is doing OK on the whole...we established that she is growing up and really is beginning to need a new wardrobe...wow, she going to high school sooner than later...my little chickadee is growing into a beautiful young lady...now if she would just stand up straight she might gain two inches *sigh*...

choclahontas is finally getting ready to get settled...all her ducks are finally in a row, and wildfires sister is going to sublet choclahontas her apt if wildfires daughter does not want it (which I doubt)...my diva is getting excited and very mature...I believe that we are coming out of the woods and into the pastures...I really do love her a lot...

I was thinking of her the other day...we hung up and she was very depressed and crying, and I realized that being born, growing up and dying are all one in the same...its something that you have to do on your own...it doesn't matter how many folks surround you, the feeling and journey is something only you experience...I remember crying at night and having those "oh shit" moments...those moments when you realize you are all alone (even if you have a mate laying next to you)to suffer/deal with the issue at hand...those moments when you realized you, and only you, can deal with/face an issue and solve it...that moment when you put your key in the door and realize that it's your apt and you are the one who determines if you get evicted or not...that you don't have mama on the other side to hold your hand and make it all better...it's like getting a tooth pulled or having an abortion...

and the joke is no one can make it better...only you...you have to live it, breath it and get through it alone...you realize at some point that all the advice you're given doesn't/won't help you and that you have to listen to you, because only you know what will work to make it better...but when you do listen to you and it works, you feel so free, such a sense of power and accomplishment because you and only you made it all better...that's growing up...

boy some folks sure are brave...

...cause the student that I spoke about yesterday is in my tuesday night class counseling children and adolescents...I asked him if he was ok, and was he ok with having me for two nights in a row and he said yes to both questions...

its been a while...

...I know but I've been busy...choclahontas had a horrible allergic reaction to Ackee and saltfish which resulted in her being in the hospital for a few days...I joked and told her she just wanted a vacation...so she's been at my house for the last few days...I love her dearly, but she really needs to get her own apartment...
Moodmagicbarb has been pretty stable and I actually am doing ok...

I started teaching last night and half my class from last semester is taking my other class this semester...out of 18 students only 6 are new...they said I'm an easy grade but the joke is that every student makes their own grade by the amount of effort they put into the class...I make them think...I challenge all their beliefs and the beliefs that have been handed down for generations...
The class I'm talking about today is child care and advocacy...this class deals with child abuse and family violence...the majority of my class comes from the old school where they believe that they were beat and turned out ok...I challenge that...

one student (the only man in my class) told a story about his then six year old son...he was in a shoe store and was buying shoes for his younger daughter...his son kept asking him why wasn't he buying shoes for him...the student said he was "embarrassed" because his son kept asking him the question over and over and the student hauled off and hit the child in the face...he went on to say that he asked his son years later if he remembered that as the student felt bad about the incident...the son replied "I do remember" the student asked why did he get hit and the son said "because I was bad"...ooh, my hackles went up...I let the class respond with their views (most agreed with the student and said children are out of control and bad)...I gave my disclaimer *I will challenge you...don't take it personally and it's ok if you challenge me...we don't have to agree, but I will show you the other side...everything that's said here stays here* and I lit into him with six feet...I showed the class that his hitting his son was his anger at the child for challenging him in public, his frustration at not being able to buy them both shoes that day(he started by saying he didn't have a job at the time)...I showed the class that if the child were an adult, he would have given an explanation and not hit him because the adult would have hit him back...I talked with the class about the fact that parents hit out of their own frustration at not being able to "make" a child do what the parents want, at not being able to "control" the child, and not being able to verbalize the parents own feelings...I said the child deserved an explanation (I admit to being totally child centered)...

It is my opinion that 95% of a child's problem is their parent, not factoring in biological and neurological issues...children are essentially a blank slate and parents put the first and lasting marks...good or bad...there is no such thing as a perfect parent and we all make mistakes, but its to acknowledge the mistakes and be able to show your child that it's ok to make a mistake and to apologize...one of my mantras is that its not the mistake that's important but what you do with it and how you come out of it that counts...

the class sat and look at me silently with open mouths...I checked in to make sure they were still breathing...they said they were fine, but I gave them a lot to think about on the first day...I replied that's good...that's learning...I told them think about our discussion and come back next week with questions...I thanked the student for being brave enough to take the barrage and assured him it was not personal...ummm lets see if he comes back next week...

My students know I love them, and I want the best for them...but they pay a lot of money to sit in those seats and I'm not going to sugarcoat and spoon feed them...