reflections part deux

so continuing with my last post I realized as I read and reread my post that I am totally socially awkward...I had a beautiful date with Moodmagicbarbie yesterday...we had planned to go downtown then choclahontas called with drama...whirlwind was blowing up a hurricane and she was overwhelmed...the old me would have dropped everything and run up to save her, and I admit I almost did, but at the last moment I looked at MMB, and how accepting she was of the situation and said "fuck it, lets go" (yes, I do curse...horrible habit)...I spent 70 dollars on underwear and 30 dollars on hair stuff for her...

the night before we looked at a video of MMB's first birthday...we laughed at how serious and into her own world she was...she only spoke once, while she was laying between my legs on the floor, saying "mama" and only smiled once when bearmaiden swung her up and down...her father, who was in the back room, did not make an appearance once during the whole party...(MMB came home and give choclahontas her prized jordan sneakers he brought her for school)...

as we rode the train, we reflected on us, me and how we are the same/different...I admitted to MMB that I horrible in social situations whereas she is one of the "popular" kids (though she will deny it)...I only had contact with bigbear, poppabear, and bearmaiden growing up...I never had friends, playdates, or was put in any type of social situations...it was me, the dirt, bugs and my imagination...so when we came to America (see bearmaidens blog for the complete story)and I started school at eleven, I had no idea how to interact...so I gave...myself, my stuff, but never my thoughts...I just didn't/don't think like anyone else...not even my family most times...and felt I couldn't/wouldn't be accepted on only those merits...

now, don't get it confused...that's not why I am so bighearted and kind, I'm not out to buy love, friends, etc...I've learned the difference...but I find when I'm in social situations I sometimes feel like I have nothing to offer...so I will either stay quiet, or buy somebody something...another characteristic of mine from back in the day- money really means nothing to me...once my bills are paid and I have food, I could care less...

MMB said she felt the same way, but I pointed out to her that she learned to navigate in elementary school...she learned to get along with different types of folks whereas I never had that...bearmaiden had it...she hung out with the grown ups and did a short stint in elementary school...but she could always adapt, and she protected me which was good and bad because I never learned to adapt or socialize for myself...

sexy came over yesterday to pick up an important photo album I forgot to pack...it was weird seeing him because I genuinely miss him and sometimes regret packing his stuff and putting him out (that will be another complicated post)...he's cute and fun to be with...but the most important thing is he gets me...despite all his bullshit and lack of everything, he gets me...as I stood and struggled to get the words out (I wanted us to part on the best of terms, I hate parting with misunderstandings)...he kept saying "just spit it out"...the other thing that perplexes me is that I can't use sex with him...with idiot, I could always get my way, or change the mood, or make up with sex...sexy is so not like that...I can't fall back on using that...
sex and money is like cursing...it's the easy way out of a situation...you don't have to reach for the word, or the action...

I really realized that I can assist others in being productive and getting their lives on track, but I really need to work on my social skills...I see and understand my issues and know how to fix them I just need practice...so we parted and I gave him 20.00...I don't know why... he didn't ask for it, and tried to give it back when I made a comment... I muttered to him no, it's for going to school (something poppabear would do/say)...I guess maybe in place of the words I couldn't get out...we parted in met supermarket and he gave me a big hug...whatever...I really feel he will be back- I feel him...loser or not, I like him...

which leads me to another reflection...I see folks from the inside...its weird...it doesn't matter what you look like or what you don't do or do...I see the inner light...you could be a bum on the street and the light will flash and I can almost tell you their story...I've tested myself and have been accurate more times than not...I can't call it up, it just comes to me...the words just start pouring from my lips and I don't know where the ideas come from...maybe that's why I'm a decent social worker...its harder with the kids because sometimes with them there is nothing there- its not that they don't have a light, its just empty...they are more of a challenge to me than working with grown folk...sometimes I meet grown folk who have nothing there, but that's rare...I can usually start seeing the light when they are around eight...the light goes from white to black with varying shades of blue, and once in a while I will see a brilliant yellow...so someone who is empty/sad/disturbed will have a black light (its hard to explain, but yes the light is black)...I will see only darkness...its like that with certain areas too, it doesn't matter how bright the sun is shining...its like that with the castle hill area...it doesn't matter how brightly the sun is shining its always night/dark to me in my thoughts...

so I will continue to grow socially...I will not attempt to be charming and engaging because I will not be fake and phony, but I will start to open myself more and express myself more when in social situations...I will put myself in more social situations...ugh...this will be a real challenge, but I will at least try...

a moment of reflection

I answered an ad on craigslist, something I don't do...but this guy seemed pretty genuine...we exchanged emails and photos and I gave him my number as he wanted to set up a starbucks date...I missed the call and didn't really like the message he left...something to the effect that he wanted to hear my voice and even though I said I might be busy he seemed annoyed that I didn't answer at 9:06...I told him to call around 9ish...That to me is a major turn-off...so I think his clock will tick out...

but that, and a women I heard on the radio the other morning, got me thinking...this woman wrote a book on relationships, in particular her failed relationship and her reflections on what went wrong and how she learned and grew from it (I can't remember her name- I'm horrible at remembering things sometimes)...but she said something that hit home...she said that women chose men who are unavailable and try to make them available...wow...
that made me think back on all my relationships...I have never been "wifey", a very important title in the hood...wifey is the one, who no matter what, the guy will always respect, fight for, and come back to...wifey does not always have to be babymama...even when I was with idiot, I was not wifey...I keep putting myself in position where I end up being the chick on the side- even if I live with them...that is why this time I made such a big stink with sexychocolate...I expedited the situation because I'll be damned if six months goes by and the shit blowa up in my face and in the end I nothing more than his slide...I respected it when he gave babymama the title of wifey, and no matter what he said I was going to stick by that until proven otherwise...

so the question becomes why has that type of relationship eluded me...I'm a good person, I respect folk, I do everything in my power for those I love to make and keep them happy, I have my own life and money, and am very independent...is it the guys I chose? do I give too much too soon? I don't know...
but I will say this...I am true to who I am...I will always try to better myself and learn from my past mistakes but I will always be who I am...and because of this, even though I have a long list of failed relationships I know that the guys respect me because I've never lied or changed, and I know that they took away with them something that they did not have before which is strength and the experience of pure love...maybe its not what they want because society tells them that its not the man thing to do/be...who knows...

today I got word that sexy is enrolled in my college, taking a workshop to help him pass the placement test (which he failed my one point on the math, and a few points on the writing) so he can begin college in sept...that made my heart sing...I may never speak to him again, but I sent an email telling him how proud I am of him...because that's who I am...MMB said to me "you set yourself up to be walked on", that might be true, but listen we have one life, and even if I hate your guts I will tell you how proud I am of you and encourage you when you do something good or progress in your life...

so I've decided that I am just going to live life and not worry about being someones wifey...I will continue to be who I am...I'm going to love freely and hard, I'm going to celebrate everyone's milestones with them, and I will remain faithful to me, and if I find someone who appreciates that, then whatever, and if I don't, then whatever...because at the end of the day I really love who I am, and who I've become and although some folks have taken to bashing me I realize that, as a good friend once told me, you fear what you don't understand...and because they don't understand me, they fear me, and fear translates into hostility...

as I reflect I'm satisfied with the image I see...and all is well with my world...

I'm really not political at all and could care less...

...but after reading thebearmaidens blog that addresses "Blog for Choice"I decided to chime in...



It is my position that it's not the governments business, or anyone else's for that matter, whether a women has an abortion or not. At the end of the day it is the women laying on that table with her legs in the air either breathing a sigh of relief or saying to herself "oh my God, what am I doing"...
I say that you can always get pregnant again, but once you have a baby it's there for life, and you have to deal with the father and his family for life...for good or bad...

So should a women have to live with a mistake? a mistake that may not be her fault? what if she is raped...I know of a women who was raped at fourteen and abortion was not an option...everyday she was forced to look at this child she despised...hating her child...seeing the rapists face in his face...never really developing a relationship with her son...she neglected him mentally and physically...never involving him with the family or family functions (although she attended all...and was the "head of household")...she went on to become gay (a biological factor? or a direct result of her hatred of men?)...and was the nastiest person I ever met...she abused her younger brothers scaring them for life...she ended up dying with only one sister and one of the younger brothers (out of nine siblings)she abused by her side...she never enjoyed him, her son...his life, his accomplishments or her grandchildren...
and her son? he lived a life, but who knew him? he knew he was unwanted and knew he was the product of rape and has lived with that shame his entire life...

Do we agree that no matter how traumatic the abortion would have been for her that is was really better for her to have not had the baby? did she really have to live a life with so much anger and shame? this child had a mother that hated his whole being, a family that disowned him by no fault of his own...no father...who was the winner? her? her son? his children? we don't know what his relationship is with his children...did this start a cycle of indifference and hate that will pass through his future generations?

I assume the prolifers would say a life was spared and he went on to produce more life and this is good...and the government would say hey, we have another contributing member to the fiasco we call the federal budget...I say whatever...what is life if you can't enjoy it...if you can't look at your child with unconditional love...if you don't welcome the little arms around your neck and the "I lovesh you" even when they have totally destroyed your house or smeared jelly all over your favorite silk shirt...
I say have a baby when YOU are ready...I totally agree abortion should not be used as birth control or for other superficial reasons...but it's YOUR CHOICE, not anyone else's...

its way past my bedtime....

but I am totally enjoying the peace and quiet...moodmagicbarb is at a friends house and I put choclahontas and the blob out...I do feel bad, but you know when a dog is weaning her pups and she walks around looking stressed with the pups hanging on to the tit and squealing? thats me...the mother dog...choclahontas is dragging my boobs to the floor...oh she runs all types of guilt trips on me...like tonite, bearmaiden caught a ride with confusedbarb and her man, choclahontas was supposed to ride with them but at the last minute decided not too...i told her and the blob they could not stay with me...her parting words were "if I die tonite its on your head cause you put me out"...at one time I would've caved and let her stay (along with the blob) and been resentful, but tonite I said as I closed and locked the door "if you took the ride, you wouldn't have to worry about your safety"...click, click, click,lock...

I have too manuals to write...the first one will be entering adolescence, and the second one will be on the transition from adolescence to adulthood- both will incorporate the viewpoint of the child as well as the parent...I actually started the first one, but life got in the way...now that I'm more settled I will start writing again...cause they don't tell you about this shit...they don't tell you about the horrible wonder years between 11 and 14, and they don't tell you about the child who wants to be grown when its convenient but wont leave the house, or pay bill, or get a job, or go to school cause "I can't mommy...I'm doing my best but I'm so overwhelmed"...whatever...

maybe I will get the energy to go to the gym tomorrow...however I have a few issues with the gym...now that I've moved its not really convenient to get too...it all the way cross town and down town...also parking around here sucks and once I leave my parking spot it takes literally 40 minutes to find another spot...the other thing is there is a clear choice between the hair and working out...I get my hair blown out in the winter cause its too damn cold to go out with wet hair...but once I get hot and sweaty its a wrap...the hair is done...but I haven't gone to the gym in about two months and I lost 14 pounds...go figure...
but on the real side my back has been bothering me...I figured out that my chair at work is the culprit...I switched chairs late last week and its starting to feel better...
so Im sure the gym will be out and I will go to the beauty salon instead...I will go back to they gym when I start wearing my hair curly again...I get the vanity from bigbear who buys a new outfit for EVERY occasion, and the hair and face beat to natural perfection...
so now fatigue has set in so I'm turning in...later

what goes around truly comes around...

I had an argument/discussion with moodmagicbarbie the other day who told me that I am so nice it annoys her...she said that she is tired of me being so forgiving to folks who diss/hurt me...I told her yeah, its annoying and I probably shouldn't be that way but I refuse to change me because of a few bad seeds...I have been diss/hurt a few times in my life, but who hasn't...but everyone I meet I treat with love, respect and give them my all until they prove me different...tho I realize that I do sometimes come on too strong too soon and scare them away, or they take my kindness for weakness...however I find it's a deterrent because folks feel real guilty about taking advantage and most often walk away from me...
so we went back and forth...she felt that ANYONE who messes with her, or hurts/disses her will be cut off for life after the first offense...
so here's why I am the way I am...remember a while back I talked about the client who stole money out of my wallet but ended up giving it back because she felt guilty (and with the help of kojak the detective)? well here's another story...
when I moved into my historical apartment, I used the services of a broker...he understood that Harlem belongs to US and when I told him I wanted the apt helped me secure it by lending me the money for the rent and security (I had to get a bank check and with my credit union, it was going to take a few days)...I returned the money to his account via a wire transfer...thus the issue...the credit union wired 520 dollars extra...fast forward a month...the mistake was caught and they pulled the money out of my account...when I called them they explained what happened and said I had to get the money back from the broker...I called him at 7 in the morning explaining the issue...he told me he had received the extra money and that he thought it was a gift/bonus...who gives 520 as a gift/bonus, not I...anywho...by 6 that night he returned 500 dollars..I didn't quibble about the 20 cause shit, I got my 500 without an argument, fight, or wait...
so that's why I am the way I am because it does come back...and no matter how shitty folks are, as long as you're true to you what goes around will come back around again...

so today is a sabbath...

...if you read thebearmaidens blog she will explain so I don't have too...but I'm home ALONE...yes, and I'm loving it...I was graced first thing this morning by two fine verizon dudes who installed my phone jack and now I'm blasting Kayne West on my new Bose wave radio...
so let me tell you about this radio...IT ROCKS...it cost 540, but I paid 83 dollars as a deposit and pay 43 dollars a month for 12 months...I will pay it off when I get my taxes...then I will buy the other components...like more speakers...lol...my neighbors will HATE me...but the thing is this little system sounds better than the sony component I had with the two big speakers and two small speakers...the sound is clear and crisp and I can feel the bass (which is important to me)...go on line and check it out...
so I'm going to hang out with my uncly...we are going to the big goodwill in Mount Vernon...I love to go there and shop for labels...I can get designer jeans that sell for 100 in the store for 7.99...I once got a gucci belt (authentic) for 10.00...everyone fights over my belt...
later dudes and dudettes...

so he's completey out...

all his meager belongings gone and keys returned...I have to work on keeping a man...lol...but I don't like sneaky stuff...once I saw the captions on the pictures I was like oh hell no...now I wasn't jealous of the girl, that wasn't the issue, and I don't care if my picture wasn't up there...but the fact that he wouldn't acknowledge me at all to anyone...but he was in my house...OH HELL NO...
so life moves on...I will miss the companionship, but being a Gemini I was beginning to need a break from him being there, and he needed to get a job...
so life moves on...my friend and her guy took me to a club...an X club...well, maybe not, but most folk were on something besides liquor...they were on the floor, jumping, crawling, standing on their head...yes, I lie to you not...three margaritas later (that felt like six) I danced with a nattydread...had a good time, but I'd b leary to meet someone there...well actually I take that back cause my friends man goes there often and he's pretty normal...anywho, folks go to straight dance...oh I forgot the ballerina who was attempting to incorporate ballet and techno-modern...

the nay sayers win...

so its not going to work with sexy...he put captions on his myspace page that showed that he still had much love for babymama...I made a big deal to expedite the inevitable. I contacted babymama letting her know respectfully where sexy and I stand and to let her know that I'm not a homewreaker and if they still had strong feelings for each other I would step off. He said no, she said yes, and we all know the woman wins. I refuse to fight for a dude, under any circumstances. It was confirmed in my mind when she left him a message and he ran out of here like a bat out of hell...so I came home and packed all his belongings and am currently waiting to hear from him so I can take his belongings to his babymamas house...incidentally he didn't come home last night and I'm assuming he stayed over there afraid to face me...but the joke is at the end of the day I really don't care...
I don't believe in dragging things out...I see which way the wind is blowing and I'm out...if its ment to be, it will be...if not I've saved myself years of back and forth bullshit and a broken heart.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad, but I was single for twelve years so it's really not the end of the world.

Im telling this story only once...

and I don't want to talk about it in real life...

There are questions concerning sexychocolate and whether or he lives in my house...for right now yes he does...I am almost forty years old and Gpddamn it I can do whatever I feel is best for me and my family...yes MMB has concerns/issues about it, but at the end of the day its between me and her and then between us and him...NO, I did not push choclahontas out to be with sexy, those are two totally different issues...and NO I'm not supporting him financially...

I have been single for twelve years, and in that time I only had two relationships- one for three months and the other for five...I wouldn't even really call them relationships...one was really there to babysit cause poppabear was dying and I was more than halfway through a night semester...and the other was a mutual agreement to make our ex's angry (his ex and my ex were brother and sister)...so both of those "relationships" failed...and both were over six years ago...since that time I have grown and matured...

Lets start at the beginning...sexy and I have been seeing each other for the last four months, maybe more...we have always had an attraction but I have been successful in thwarting anything in developing...when I first met sexy about seven years ago he was choclahontas "big brother" in the streets...when she was thirteen/fourteen and running the streets being "hood" he always brought her back to me, he would tell me when she cut school, and when she changed her clothes and was dressed inappropriately...he stepped in when something bad happened to her and stopped her from hustling on the block...

he always told choclahontas "your mamas sexy" and would try to take me out...at that time I knew he was young but didn't know how young (he was nineteen at the time)...I would tell him that I would never mess with him cause I don't do young boys and he would lie and tell me he was 26 (I think I was about thirty-one/two at the time)...bigbear and I always joked about locking him in the basement and making him our sexslave...when we would see him we would josh each other about how he "escaped"...but I was serious...I always told the girls that he was going to be their daddy and if I ever had another child, he was going to be my babydaddy...

fast forward...yes, hes been to jail, and yes he is not educated but everyone uses someone to fulfill a need and we fill each others need...Im not making excuses or glorifying anything but he is starting school in a few weeks and actively searching for a job...

I don't have any fantasies or delusions about him or the situation, but I do know that of all the men I've dealt with- including the idiot when I loved him- I've never had what I have now, and never felt this way about anyone...
this dude and I have a serious connection...if either of us are feeling prickly-we know...we don't even have to be together...if I'm having a day, he will call out the blue and say "ma, you ok?" when I'm stressed or having anxieties he will say "ma, what can I do to help you"...sometimes he won't ask, he will just very quietly start helping me...we argue, but always make up- even if we agree to disagree...I know that no matter what he will always come back, and if he's wrong he will apologize...he's prompt, is considerate, and we can finish each others thoughts...that's what strengthened the attraction...we think alike...

you must understand we did not want or plan for this and we have gone to great lengths to keep it "light"...we agreed to hold off on intimacies because it would really complicate the situation more...in fact we have separated for as long as two weeks with absolutely no contact...but one day I looked up and he was in my office saying "I can't do this"...we tell each other daily this is all wrong...he's concerned that he as nothing to give me...I'm concerned that I'm thirteen years older than him...and we are both concerned how the girls feel (sorry fam, I really don't care what you think)...

Do we love each other? we try not to think about it, but we can't be physically apart for too long, and its reciprocal...we can find each other without using a cell phone, and I always know when he's about to call/show up...

yes, he has a babymama, who I have talked to, and she does not want him...she admitted to me he was a pawn in a game...his heart was broken, but as long as he can see his son he's happy...

so folks, that's it in a nut shell...I don't know where it will go or how it will end...but I do know that I enjoy having someone there...someone who gives me what I need, not material possessions, but companionship...

I will always insure that MMB is not be aversely affected and I will NEVER chose a dude over my kids, but I'm happy, and actually so is she- in her doomy, gloomy sort of thirteen year old way...please trust that after almost forty years I know what I'm doing...