A beautiful moment....

once in a while it's proven to me that I am an effective person/social worker and it moves me to tears...it's not because I'm great or have all the answers, cause I don't, but because I am able to convey my knowledge so the person can process it, assist in developing their own plan and take action...

You have to understand that I can not disclose specific details about folks, even though I don't use real names, for confidentiality reasons...it would hurt my heart if they happen to stumble across my blog and see that I'm revealing their secrets, so I have to give the abbreviated story...

I have a friend/love (we decided that I will be a mentor, not girlfriend, which is ok with me cause I see this dudes heart which is beautiful and want him to remain in my life)...he's having a hard time in life...a very hard time...he had a really fucked up childhood, but had caring folk that took him in a did the best they could...he made a few wrong turns and is paying the price...

He came to me the other night and spilled his story...from beginning to end...I listened for two hours and did not say anything...but two themes emerged...he felt that he could only get positive results from being violent, disrespectful and rude, or paying folks off...the other theme is that everyone tells him its going to be ok, they admire his strength and keep his head up, but at the end of the day his fundamental needs are not being met...he still needs carfare to find a job and food (dude goes all day without eating sometimes)...

I walked with this conversation on my mind for a few days...I talked it over with bigbear (not being specific of course) and other folk...some got it, some didn't...I thought about how I would feel if I were in his place and how I feel when I'm faced with difficult situations...
for one, I hate when I have no food/money/bill can't get paid and someone tells me "you will be ok" duh, I know I WILL be ok, but I'm NOT ok now...I need to know what I can do to change my situation at that moment...

I realized that folk who are in difficult situations need concrete solutions...that's not telling them WHAT to do, but what needs to be done to achieve results...also folks need a boost...sometimes it's money (you need money to make money) or supplies to make a product, or information (specific people to call, specific places to go)...
I also looked at why dude has filled out MANY job applications and has not been called...

I realized that:
-dude had attachment/rejection issues that affects his interpersonal interactions
-he is clinically depressed
-on paper he is a loser but as a person he is a gem
-he needed concrete solutions in order to develop a game plan

so with this information I formulated the following plan:
-dude had to try it my way with an open heart and mind
-dude needed to sell himself at job interviews/when picking up/filling out applications
-he needed to wear the "uniform" of the job interviewee- white collared shirt, tie, kackies, nice shoes and belt
-he needed a weekly metrocard in order to go to job interviews

I explained to him that I understand why he does what he does and why he thinks the way he does...and I showed him the connections between his experiences and how it relates/affects his difficulties in life...I told him what he needs to do/say on an interview and gave him 40.00 for a weekly metrocard and two white shirts and ties...concrete solutions...

I did not hear from hear from him until today, when he came to the job dressed to the nines in a button down shirt and tie, kackies, shoes, no hat, and a nice belt...he had filled out 12 applications, had a stack to fill out, and had been promised 1 call back...

I am so proud of him...I couldn't stop hugging him...the ladies on the job complemented him and told him how professional he looked...he BEAMED...he wore his clothes all day, showing his mom, the block, the folks he lives with...all day he got positive feedback and results...he was happy, relaxed and at that moment ready to face the future cause today the future doesn't look so bleak...

the saga continues....

so I will be moving after all...I just can't take the negativity...landlady wants to blame me/make me pay for her mistakes and inability to be an effective landlady...being a social worker I am used to folks projecting their bullshit on me...thats transference and its ok, but I want to leave that shit at work...not bring it into my home.

*disclaimer* nothing I say is absolute...I can only draw an opinion from my experience and the experiences of those around me.

I have noticed that there is a bunch of black women out there that fall into a certain category...you know the type, afro-centric, well educated, either with locks, very short hair, or natural hair...slightly overweight and claim to be health conscious (till they go home behind closed doors and eat their loneliness/anger away)...they usually hold good jobs, tend to be professors, lawyers, teachers and administrators (for some reason I have not come across this type in the direct care SW field), and all own their own home (some have tenants)...most tend to be overachievers and are involved in many activities and functions (to cover for lonely nights perhaps)...most come from the hood, but you would never know it by the way they speak or behave- till they throw it up in your face to show you that they MADE IT and why can't you...they travel the world (with girlfriends of course, cause they ain't paying for that no-good black man)...

Boy are they ANGRY...they have only work and other single females (just like them of course) that they commiserate and hang out with...they have no men (none are good enough) and none have children...they are generally between 35 and 45...They claim to care for the community and most don't aspire to be white...quite the opposite...they welcome their ethnicity and really don't do anything to accentuate their beauty (like shave their legs or armpits) and will splurge on Afrocentric handbags and expensive non-logo bags (coach leather is a big hit- which is a direct contradiction cause most are vegetarian) and expensive business suits...oh, but during down-time they look like slave-girl sally...

But ooo-wee you got to look out for them...they will tell you what your doing wrong in your life and do whatever's necessary to put you down to cover for their own personal inadequacies.
There are two professors at my college who fit this bill...one got fired on the spot (I took over her class) for talking down to her students, and the other I had when I was at the college (it was her first semester teaching) and years later she's still spewing the hate and still single...landlady and lawyerlady also fit into this stereotype...

I am water...watch me flow

around the bullshit of life...if you are rigid like a stick you will get stuck and caught between the obstacle rocks that jut out of the river bed...

the apartment was/is absolutely beautiful, but there was a catch that thanks to hypervigilantbarbies's other half thegrinch caught...I would be responsible for paying for my own heat and hot water...talking to my crazy neighbor, formally of downstairs, he informed me that it could cost me as much as 400 dollars a month...it will show up on my con-ed bill...so I told the couplelandlords I couldnt risk that and took my deposit back...

on the homefront I sent an email to landlady outlining her total disregard for the minor in the apartment by not addressing the heat situation, called 311, and got INSTANT results...the heat is on and set to 70 degrees...

I hate to say, but some folks that are of my culture are very superficial...when lawyerlady came to my apartment, she was mouthy until she saw my fordam masters degree hanging on the wall...then her tone softened...so sat, when she told me that she was going to "fix" the thermostate, we got into a conversation...long story short, she mentioned that she attended Harvard and NYU law school...not missing the opportunity to show her up, I disclosed that Poppy went to Harvard but a long time ago as he is now 70..."oh" she gushed "he went in the late fifties...he paved the way for people like me...oh and faced discrimination and succeeded"..."yes" I said "hes (a known black writer)...and hes now a TENURED professor"..."oh" she continued to gush as her tone softened as she felt that we ARE on the same level after all...
I told her I CHOOSE to live in the hood (yes bitch, this IS the hood)to be close to those I serve...I also told her that I wont/cant pay 2000 and I will move..."we set on that figure because other apartments in the area go for that much, and your kitchen is HUGE"..."no, that's cross town where the white folks live, in this neck of the hood the 3 bedroom are going for 1300, and I found one around the corner...what the phone number?"...I could hear her brain ticking...if she leaves, landlady will have to fork over 2800 and if other apts are going for 1300, we may not be able to rent this...ummm, maybe I should back off...
So she talked and assured me we would work something out..."oh, (landlady) speaks so highly of you...she said you're just alike...I don't know where all this is coming from"..."oh, I don't know either"...yeah I do know where its coming from, that fat bastard..."yes, I clean the property, and take care of the garbage"..."yes, you do maintaince" she rephrased...uh yeah, someone paying 2000 a month WONT do that...they would have to hire a super...

so yesterday when the heat came on (the dude that came told oliveoil my neighbor the boiler was off) lawyerlady wanted to come in and check the radiators, but my phone was dead and I wasnt home, so I returned the call..."blah blah blah, yes, we will be moving the thermostate, blah blah blah...there wont be an issue with the heat anymore"...I know thats right... I told her to call me in the week and let me know what landlady has to say about the rent..."of course" she said as she rushed me off the phone...

it hit me then that they wished they could crawl in a hole and disappear...they didn't realize my power when they decided to tangled with me...I am not going to contact anyone, I am going to allow them to save face and act like this bullshit never happened, and I will pay my rent on the first like I always do...and wait to see what other blunders these two educated fools make...

today is a better day...

I found the apt of my dreams...and its around the corner from my current house (which is still cold as hell...I'm sitting in the kitchen in front of the stove)...as a matter of fact I can see this house from my new bedroom window...its three bedrooms, but one bedroom is very small...I will use it as a library and office...and two full bathrooms...its owned by a youngish hardworking spanish couple...
In my happiness I still feel sad...choclahontas still does not want to move with me...i keep asking her...but she hasnt looked for an apt. either..she doesnt understand the time frame...I'm out on Dec. 1st...I will be damnned if I give idiotlandlady another dime...but I found a one bedroom in harlem...I hope it works out for her...
I told the couple that there is a chance that she might stay for two months, but I doubt it cause choclahontas doesnt want it...but shes sad and overwhelmed and I'm sad too...she's a slob, but I will miss her...shes lived with me all her life...It's going to be quiet, but I know she will be there alot...

my life has exploded like a fireball...

...and the ashes have fallen at my feet...

Landlady is a fucken bitch, and idiot is a fucken jackass...I have been telling you that landlady was up to something...she really got stupid when she turned down the heat, resulting in us not having heat for the last three weeks. When I brought this up to me she began to talk down to me, telling me that the heat will NEVER go above 55 degrees at night and 65 degrees during the day...uh bitch, this is an old drafty, uninsulated house...ITS FUCKEN COLD, and I DONT do cold...

to make a very long story short we had a fire in the lot next door...an abandoned car got set of fire...we evacuated next door but no damage was done to the house...I, like a good tenant, told bitchy landlady...she took the opportunity to do a "walk through" with her lawyer, who took the opportunity to yell at landlady in the house in front of choclahontas "yeah, you are charging WAY below market, as your lawyer you SHOULD charge 2000"...now remember bitch wannabe never renewed my lease in march so I have no protection because this in only a two family house and I am at the mercy of this powerhungry bitch...
so I called her (cause I was at work when she did the "walk through"- how convienent) and told her what is her issue and Im not going to play games with her...she got nasty and put youngdumbfatlawyer on the phone who said "i dont have time to play games with you"...I asked for her name and number so my lawyer can get in touch with her...I guess they never thought I would KNOW a REAL LAWYER...very long story shorter...landlady left a message on my phone telling me that she works hard to substidize my living and shes been paying for me for the lengh of time I've lived here and oh, I'm a indescent human being...and if I make a legal battle, I will have to pay her legal fees...whatever...I'm shaking I'm so scared...

that's how I know idiotbabydaddy has his handprint on this...he makes it his business to badmouth me...his best friend is her "little brother"...get the picture? Also, about two weeks ago idiotbabydaddy called moodmagicbarba and said "no matter what happens I will always love you"...huh?...this at seven in the morning, out of the blue...oh yeah, he was up here this weekend but couldn't see MMB for her birthday...

so anywho, I told idiotlandlady that I'm moving...and wrote her a letter (as she instructed cause you know I wouldn't have known that)and included my lawyers name and phone number (who by the way is a friend of mine)...I was sitting with coollawyer and youngdumbfatlawyer called...as coollawyer said "scared...I smell fear...her voice was shakey"...ummm, didn't think I knew folks huh...
so I'm moving as soon as possible...why? because what landlady forgot is I pay her morgage...my 1400 a month pays her morgage...who has the last laugh now you dumb ass...so I'm out...in the middle of winter...take that bitch...

choclahontas does not want to move with me...hopefully my friends old apt will come through (friend left babydaddy but hes been at her house for the last two weeks...so he needs to just move in and give choclahontas the apt), I will find out tomorrow...me and MMB found an apt in the shadows of yankee stadium...its kind of out of the way, and has a teeny tiny living room, but it has nine windows and alot of light which is a requirement for me...I don't know...its gonna be weird without choclahontas and tunnertine, but I WONT miss the mess which has EXPLODED over the last weeks...

on the other note...sexychocolate and I are not speaking anymore...he and his babymama have agreed to work it out...whatever, shes a skanky one, but I'm not in the business to change minds...so I told him to let me go and do him...if we are ment to be together then it will be...until then don't call me or see me...I don't see the point...but I miss him...hes fun...we wrestle and fight...and he was my shadow, my rolldog...but I'm not birthing babies and I'm glad he wants to make a family...I've been single for 12 years so a few more years wont hurt/bother me...

so I'm tired...tired of doing this alone...tired of making these major decisions on my own...tired of choclahontas explosive mess (its like a flourball)...UGH...I NEED AN APARTMENT AND A FUCKEN VACATION...